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marolyn

Make me laugh!

2,524 posts in this topic

I could have called them Shaq and Kobe but you said mexicans.

Or

The Jumping Beaners.

haha.....how about what do you call a bunch of black kids on a school bus?

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Every Sunday, a man goes to Church, a not-so-humble Catholic Cathedral. Every day, he sees this woman, this absolutely beautiful woman. He doesn't know how to talk to her, but he is sure that he loves her. But, there's a catch, she has no legs, and is bound to a wheelchair. This doesn't bother him, it is true love he has for this girl.

One day after mass, he asks if he can walk her home. She says yes.

About half to her home, the woman asks the man to stop. She leans over to the man and says, "fuck me."

Being the absolute gentleman he is, he asks "um, how?"

"Just hang me up over there on that fence by my clothes and fuck me."

And, like a gentleman, he does as he is told.

After finishing on the fence, they continue to her home. The two arrive at her door, but the girl's father answers the door. A large, bald man with many tattoos.

His face becomes pale with shock, as he sees his daughter and this man with lipstick smeared around their lips, hair ruffled, the works.

"Go in, honey," the father says. She obeys. Afterward, he closes the door behind her.

Still outside the house, the girl's father leans in close to the man's face. He puts his index finger close to the man's countenance.

"You know what? You're a real good kid."

Kind of shocked, the man asks, "what makes you think that?"

The father leans in closer and says, "most people leave her on the fence. Thanks dude."

And no, I didn't copy/paste that. :D

Edited by MisterMcLov1n

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MisterMclov1n you failed to answer the question previous to your post.

He got sidetracked..can I try? Ummm, A German Farm???

Hooters???

Ok, I give up!

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My guess is a meet market. B)

Well I was close, only I had the wrong...meat... :)

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You might have better luck in the vegetable department wielding a squash or cucumber.

A delicatessan's delight.

I'm not a delicatessan.

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I've got a rather evil joke about the French...stop me if you've heard this before (I've been known to repeat myself):

Why did the French plant so many trees along the streets of Paris?

So the Germans could march in the shade!

Terrible, eh?

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The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital's swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon

can I go home?'

:D:D:D

ReR B)

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...ahhh,The Lure of the Limerick...

There once was a man from Cass

Who had balls that were made of brass

When they clanged together

They played Stormy Weather

And lightning shot out of his ass

:D

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The secret to good humour is simple;Nothing is funnier than unnecessary expletives that make everyone in the room feel uncomfortable,except repetitiveness,repetitiveness,repetetiveness...

Funny yet?No?

Religion:

How do you define a saint?

Someone who has to live with a martyr.

One day,God,Satan and Jimmy Page were getting stoned and jamming together and they all agreed it would be great if they had a guitar battle to decide the ruler of the universe,Satan and God played incredible riffs and solos for days,when it came to Jimmy's turn,God turned and said "Give up now,Jimmy,we have all the ancient licks and solos,if you give up i'll give you enlightenment!"Now Jimmy was a tad stoned so he stepped up,and noticed something on the ground,a violin bow."I wonder what would happen if i fucked around with this thing"...

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The secret to good humour is simple;Nothing is funnier than unnecessary expletives that make everyone in the room feel uncomfortable,except repetitiveness,repetitiveness,repetetiveness...

Funny yet?No?

Religion:

How do you define a saint?

Someone who has to live with a martyr.

One day,God,Satan and Jimmy Page were getting stoned and jamming together and they all agreed it would be great if they had a guitar battle to decide the ruler of the universe,Satan and God played incredible riffs and solos for days,when it came to Jimmy's turn,God turned and said "Give up now,Jimmy,we have all the ancient licks and solos,if you give up i'll give you enlightenment!"Now Jimmy was a tad stoned so he stepped up,and noticed something on the ground,a violin bow."I wonder what would happen if i fucked around with this thing"...

alright.

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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,”I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.”

He replies,”Your eyesight is perfect.”

:P

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A old woman walks into an ice cream store and stands behind the counter, studying the selections. She stands there for 30 minutes or so and finally decides what she wants. She tells the man behind the counter

"I want chocolate ice cream"

He says "Sorry ma'm there is no chocolate ice cream"

she says" No No No I want chocolate ice cream."

He says "Ma'm, there is no chocolate ice cream. We have chocolate mint, chocolate chip," and lists off a variety of different flavors.

she says " No, I want chocolate ice cream"

The man Is getting annoyed and says

"Ma'm can you spell strawberry as in strawberry ice cream?"

She says "Yes S-t-r-a-w-b-e-r-r-y"

"can you spell vanilla as in vanilla ice cream?"

"Yes, V-a-n-i-l-l-a"

"good good. Can you spell fuck as in chocolate ice cream"

The lady lucks at him puzzled and says "But there is no fuck n' chocolate ice cream"

"That's what I have been trying to tell you, dumb assed lady. "There is no fuckin' chocolate ice cream!"

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

>>>>>

MS Word For Dummies

12.jpg

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical::cheer: :cheer:

Edit: For 2nd joke>>>

Edited by ledbaby

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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan

> Officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and

> needs to borrow $5,000.

> The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the

> loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The

> car is parked on the street in front of the bank.

>

>

>

> She has the Title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the

> car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all

> enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral

> against a $5,000 Loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the

> Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

>

> Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the

> interest, which comes to $15.41.

>

> The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business,

> and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little

> puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a

> multimillionaire.

>

> What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

>

> The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for

> two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

>

>

> a smart blonde joke.

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Hi all,

Please,for the love of Zep,post another joke,the ploy-wags are making me gag! :D

KB

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Life lessons learned from a dog :)

Life lessons learned from a dog

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

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How many dogs does it take to?

How many dogs does it take to......

These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

Hopefully this lightens your load, errrrr makes the day brighter.

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l_5a358b47e62c50786823629a2861645c.jpg

l_09a5d203dd637a42d17fd3a0a63e51e5.gifl_09a5d203dd637a42d17fd3a0a63e51e5.gifl_09a5d203dd637a42d17fd3a0a63e51e5.gif

Swinging dead cats in vogue at Kazakhstan

In an attempt to Westernize yet put their own flavor on things, the Russian Republic of Kazakhstan has replaced the Hammer throw with the Dead Cat Toss. Though the translation is not spot on, the idea behind the dead cat toss is the same as the hammer throw: distance.

Participants wind up, with cat in hand and fling the dead animal as far as they can without going over the line. This competition started in the farming regions outside of Astana and then eventually migrated into the suburban setting.

According to Kazakhstan farmer Boris Gabovski, "In the country there are many dead cats to be found. So, we just fling them. We had no idea that this would catch on in a sport." Apparently, it has since the Kazakhstan Dead Cat Tossing team made their way to Anaheim, California recently to show off the finer points to interested suburban Americans (in photo).

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Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Karen. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every

closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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Nurses, frustrated? Mark MS-III or MS-IV on it's chest and bring to the nurses lounge.

Do not eat with mayonaise, clean up after to avoid residents/interns slipping.

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Return of "The Trunk Monkey."

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Ok before i tell you i want you to know that i have nothing against blonds.

Iam naturaly blond myself so i don't mean to offend anyone.

Here goes:

A blonde woman walks into a shop and points to an object

Blonde woman: Can i have that TV please?

Shop assistant1:No sorry we don't serve blondes

So the blonde woman goes out and dyes her hair brown and goes back to the same shop, there is a different assistant there to serve her and she points to the object which she wants.

Blonde woman:can i buy that TV please?

Shop Assistant2: No sorry we don't serve blonds

So the blonde woman goes out and dyes her hair red, she goes back to the same shop and is greeted by a different assistant that served her the other two times, she shows the assistant what she wants.

Blonde women: can i have that TV please?

shop assistant3: no sorry we don't serve blondes

Blonde woman: but how do you know that i am blonde, i have dyed my hair different colours and i get served by different poeple?

Shop assistant3: we can tell becuase that isn't a TV, it is a microwave.

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