Mental Illness Thread

[kabbalahone]

I think I understand what you're saying. I really like your statement "You are human with a heart that can't handle the hell."

The problem with clinical depression (in my own experience) is that things can be going very well in my world, but it doesn't matter, I'm still clinically depressed. It's a chemical imbalance. It's not like a "normal" short-lived depression, where you lose your job, or you get a divorce, or something similar, and then you go through a totally necessary period of depression from which you can expect to recover.

Clinical depression can be completely debilitating, and it doesn't need a reason to exist. I can ask myself, "What the hell is wrong with you? You've got so much to be thankful for. An amazing husband you're crazy about, who loves you back. Beautiful children and precious grandchildren." But the chemical imbalance in my brain keeps me from enjoying life and even makes me want to die so I won't have to suffer anymore.

I don't claim to be an expert in psychiatry, I'm just speaking from 40+ years of personal experience with clinical depression. And I want to do whatever I can to support others who are going through the same thing.

It's quite possible that you are very highly intuitive. That would cause you to pick up a lot of the pain in the world that isn't yours, and which also explains why you don't understand because in your own personal life, there is no reason for it.

Hey, look into oricular acupuncture. From what I hear, it's amazing for severe depression.

[ally]

I think I understand what you're saying. I really like your statement "You are human with a heart that can't handle the hell."

The problem with clinical depression (in my own experience) is that things can be going very well in my world, but it doesn't matter, I'm still clinically depressed. It's a chemical imbalance. It's not like a "normal" short-lived depression, where you lose your job, or you get a divorce, or something similar, and then you go through a totally necessary period of depression from which you can expect to recover.

Clinical depression can be completely debilitating, and it doesn't need a reason to exist. I can ask myself, "What the hell is wrong with you? You've got so much to be thankful for. An amazing husband you're crazy about, who loves you back. Beautiful children and precious grandchildren." But the chemical imbalance in my brain keeps me from enjoying life and even makes me want to die so I won't have to suffer anymore.

I don't claim to be an expert in psychiatry, I'm just speaking from 40+ years of personal experience with clinical depression. And I want to do whatever I can to support others who are going through the same thing.

Well said Mernie ! Clinical depression is not something that can be controled without dealing with the chemical imbalance. All too often others will try to lighten up the problem by telling you things like, 'Oh everybody get's depressed', well not like this they don't. Suicidal thoughts, severe panic attacks, feeling isolated, becoming anti social etc.

are not normal everyday experiences that can be fluffed off. Nor should they be. If we are aware of these symptoms then it's time to get professional help. For those out there who think it's just about positive thinking, I'd have to say that they truely have not experienced any of the above, on a daily basis. From my own experience dealing with this condition, it sure is nice to know your not alone and for that reason Mernie like you, I try to be supportive of other's. In order to be of any help though, I must look after myself first

[kabbalahone]

I don't claim to be an expert in psychiatry, I'm just speaking from 40+ years of personal experience with clinical depression. And I want to do whatever I can to support others who are going through the same thing.

And psychiatry has no clue about psychic phenomena

[Bong-Man]

God bless all of you who struggle every day with any type of mental illness. I know from some folks close to me that it is never an easy cross to bear. In that spirit, could we all please remember to make sure we take our meds before posting in the evening hours ? Thanks in advance.

[Mernie]

It's quite possible that you are very highly intuitive. That would cause you to pick up a lot of the pain in the world that isn't yours, and which also explains why you don't understand because in your own personal life, there is no reason for it.

Hey, look into oricular acupuncture. From what I hear, it's amazing for severe depression.

I will do that, thanks for mentioning it. It irks me that I'm supporting the pharmaceutical companies (although I will continue because it's best for me right now) and I am always open to holistic healing.

In order to be of any help though, I must look after myself first

Good advice!

God bless all of you who struggle every day with any type of mental illness. I know from some folks close to me that it is never an easy cross to bear. In that spirit, could we all please remember to make sure we take our meds before posting in the evening hours ? Thanks in advance.

Okaaayyy...I take mine every morning so I am good and even-keeled for posting purposes.

[Suz]

Depression sucks,and I know what you mean about the "it's a weakness" mentallity it's such a stigma,isn't it?my family wouldn't uderstannd,they'd disown me,and there's a little more than paranoia talking,my dad once said "all schizophrenics should be shot because they're a danger to society" i AM considering it though!

Thank you all

That is horrible. It is not like that at all where I live. People talk about it openly. Glad you're back, and getting the help you need

[DeepBlackZeppelin]

I am so glad so many considerate people understand this seemingly stigmatic issue.

I already shared this on another thread, but I have been sexually assaulted as a child several times, and in many cases, attempted rape.

Basically, I didn't know what to do as a child except to fend the perpetrator off with my own bare hands. I finally had to share it with my parents, and by then it was too late because he managed to flee like a migrating goose.

Well, it definitely did negatively affect me as a young teenager, and I have definitely contemplated drug abuse to 'get over it'. I never did dwindle into drug abuse.

My mother was understanding of me, but she thinks it's something you 'get over'. It also doesn't help because she believes it's purposely my fault that I didn't yell for help when it was happening.

I definitely know I suffered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I had to manage to help myself for five years.

I don't know but I somehow did manage my life in aspects such as making friends. I am still wary about having a boyfriend, but I know I want to express my love to a man who understands what I went through. It's that if a guy even slightly touches me, I get physically shook up. I do want to trust a loving and caring man.

Now, I know it comes back to haunt me once in a while, but I finally was able to get therapy. It's helping me now and the therapist is completely considerate and kind.

I want to congratulate everyone for sharing their stories because it's difficult to articulate when so many people ridicule 'mental illness' like the person is a psychopath.

But that is other people's ignorance, and I wish I could just really show everyone that I really do admire their coming out.

Edited November 1, 2008 by DeepBlackZeppelin

[Jarlaxle 56]

Personally, I do 'get over it'. But then it comes back again at a later time, but I always 'get over it' eventually. It is a big thing, if it ever got worse then I suppose I should/would need outside help.

I've had panic attacks before and it is not a fun thing to feel completely helpless. I suppose I'm lucky nothing really bad has happened that's worse than a hole in the wall.

[ally]

Personally, I do 'get over it'. But then it comes back again at a later time, but I always 'get over it' eventually. It is a big thing, if it ever got worse then I suppose I should/would need outside help.

I've had panic attacks before and it is not a fun thing to feel completely helpless. I suppose I'm lucky nothing really bad has happened that's worse than a hole in the wall.

Your aware of it though and that is the main thing. How and when or if you choose treatment is within your own control and that's good. It's just important that each individual is aware

[DeepBlackZeppelin]

It's okay, Jarlaxle, some issues are too hard to handle that sometimes you do need professional help. There's nothing wrong with it at all, but you do ultimately control what you want with your life.

I was a bit wary on professional help, but one session has released so many burdens from my back. It's important to find the right counseling center, one that is reputed for its services, not any random one. These people really are caring and they have battled traumatic experiences themselves and really do want to console other people who are going through tough times with a toll on their emotional health. And hopefully, it's covered by insurance.

I feel as if counseling was the right step for me, but you may feel differently.

It's all up to you.

[ledded1]

It's okay, Jarlaxle, some issues are too hard to handle that sometimes you do need professional help. There's nothing wrong with it at all, but you do ultimately control what you want with your life.

I was a bit wary on professional help, but one session has released so many burdens from my back. It's important to find the right counseling center, one that is reputed for its services, not any random one. These people really are caring and they have battled traumatic experiences themselves and really do want to console other people who are going through tough times with a toll on their emotional health. And hopefully, it's covered by insurance.

I feel as if counseling was the right step for me, but you may feel differently.

It's all up to you.

Its hard for some to trust others with their pain/secrets. Many I know have worried about whether the counsellor/therapist is able to handle their pain and not be shocked or disgusted by what is revealed to them, especially around child abuse, or if they will judge them for being abused.

[DeepBlackZeppelin]

Personally, I found that confiding in a therapist is so much more easier for me than to confide in a friend.

My teenage friends don't know how to react to the fact that yes, I was sexually assaulted. In fact, they are the ones that told me to get over it, most of them, but not all. But they can't deal with something like that, they're only teenagers who haven't been through it. Trust me, they let me know they haven't been through it. My mom told me to get over it. This wasn't something I could get over and it was affecting me to the point in which I wanted to, very honestly, abuse LSD and other drugs to 'get over' my problems because Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not easy to deal with. Honestly, telling my so called friends didn't help me at all, they criticized me.

One session I had with the therapist, and she completely understood what I went through; she did not at all make me feel spineless or guilty, and she helped me so much more than anyone has ever helped me in my life. She's not allowed to share this information with anybody outside the office, it's against the law. However, I'm sharing a lot, though not all the details.

Yes, it can be a scary thought to trust somebody who's a stranger, and not all therapists are the same. But, I know it was the right step for me, and it can be the right step for someone else.

No one has to go, but it can be worth it if they believe they can confide in the therapist.

And talking to someone who doesn't know you helps because they don't judge you and they are never disgusted by it because it's their living to deal with similar cases. Someone who knows you can judge you a lot more, but health care professionals shouldn't be that type of person. Some stray away from that value, but definitely not all of them do.

I'm sorry if I sound hard-hitting but I just want to explain it calmly. I really do want to loosen the [i wouldn't say stigma, maybe confusion] with therapy.

I'm merely sharing my input to hopefully inspire someone else because everything I've been through and am going through is absolutely real. I want them to know that they're not alone, and there are so many resources in which they can receive help, including professional resources.

Whatever the person chooses, it's not helpful to bottle up and repress strong, overwhelming mental trauma and distress. It needs to be let out or it will negatively affect the person.

Edited November 1, 2008 by DeepBlackZeppelin

[Suz]

I am so glad so many considerate people understand this seemingly stigmatic issue.

I already shared this on another thread, but I have been sexually assaulted as a child several times, and in many cases, attempted rape.

Basically, I didn't know what to do as a child except to fend the perpetrator off with my own bare hands. I finally had to share it with my parents, and by then it was too late because he managed to flee like a migrating goose.

Well, it definitely did negatively affect me as a young teenager, and I have definitely contemplated drug abuse to 'get over it'. I never did dwindle into drug abuse.

My mother was understanding of me, but she thinks it's something you 'get over'. It also doesn't help because she believes it's purposely my fault that I didn't yell for help when it was happening.

I definitely know I suffered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I had to manage to help myself for five years.

I don't know but I somehow did manage my life in aspects such as making friends. I am still wary about having a boyfriend, but I know I want to express my love to a man who understands what I went through. It's that if a guy even slightly touches me, I get physically shook up. I do want to trust a loving and caring man.

Now, I know it comes back to haunt me once in a while, but I finally was able to get therapy. It's helping me now and the therapist is completely considerate and kind.

I want to congratulate everyone for sharing their stories because it's difficult to articulate when so many people ridicule 'mental illness' like the person is a psychopath.

But that is other people's ignorance, and I wish I could just really show everyone that I really do admire their coming out.

Hats off to you for sharing this. I know people who have been through this, and even being close to it has been the most traumatizing thing in my life....even though it didn't happen to me! So I cannot imagine the strength it takes to speak out. I think people like you are a godsend to others because then they know they are not alone.

Also, what was done to you is illegal and will probably be done to others if the person is not reported. People don't stop doing that when they know they can get away with it. I am very suprised at your mother's mentality; it sounds very old school and she needs to be educated on the subject. That attitude contributes to such things not being dealt with- it is a co-conspirator, in reality.

Edited November 1, 2008 by Suz

[DeepBlackZeppelin]

Hats off to you for sharing this. I know people who have been through this, and even being close to it has been the most traumatizing thing in my life....even though it didn't happen to me! So I cannot imagine the strength it takes to speak out. I think people like you are a godsend to others because then they know they are not alone.

Also, what was done to you is illegal and will probably be done to others if the person is not reported. People don't stop doing that when they know they can get away with it. I am very suprised at your mother's mentality; it sounds very old school and she needs to be educated on the subject. That attitude contributes to such things not being dealt with- it is a co-conspirator, in reality.

Thank you Suz, thank you very much.

I spared everyone the details but I would like to make people aware that it is a severe crime and it does have negative effects on the person. It goes so much more beyond my internal, violated wrecked soul, it provides a stigma for us, by those who never understand the brutality of the crime.

Many, besides my mother, think it's not a big deal, and I wonder what is a big deal then. I can't trust some of my friends because they'll say 'oh that's bad' and then, ten seconds later, they'll focus on someone else so much more. It's okay though because I don't need their condolences. I support my friends, all the time, but they don't really return the favor too much. So I don't really talk about my problems so much anymore.

Immature guys don't want anything to do with you: they shame the sexual crime victim because she is soiled, and she must have so much emotional baggage. They don't want to deal with her, they've got problems of their own. They run for the hills. They give you the chance, you open up, then you become ostracized immediately. It takes a noble and kind man to comfort you and make you realize the beauty of a relationship, it doesn't take just a man or a testosterone-fueled teenage junkie. I don't want any relationship right now.

Family members tell you to shush up about it: don't tell the school social worker, don't tell the therapist, don't tell your trusted friends, you'll ruin our reputation. You'll make us seem like crazy psychopaths, shut up. Then they would say 'why did you wear this?' 'why didn't you say that' and try to excuse this man's actions. Only my father cares and says, "if only I knew and could have called the police"

Heck, I see advertisements on the internet for pedophile and sexual assault perpetrators defense system. Their slogan, "avoid jail". So the ones who have caused such devastation in others is off the hook while the victims still suffer and others will suffer. It makes me not want to step out the door.

We are lucky we survived because we could have easily been killed. Many of us victims have a hard time trusting anybody because if it seems like no one cares when you've been assaulted and raped, why else would they care about you? We become abandoned, we feel shame, and we feel a strong anxiety in any situation which will drag us down again to the same standpoint. We become wary and sensitive of our surroundings.

We wake up with terrifying, vivid nightmares as if we're living it over again. The flashbacks reel back in our mind like a detailed movie. Anything can trigger this: people joking about rape, a violent movie scene, a scent, a yell. It affects us so much that we literally are shaking, thinking about it to the point of illness and depression, tumultuously shaking our eating and sleeping habits to abnormality. To cope with it, many have abused drugs, became prostitutes, and committed suicide.

We have felt alone, and I have felt alone for many years because it's something no one can understand unless they've been through it, and many can ridicule you for, twisting it and finding some way to blame it on you. It was difficult to open up.

But, I have fought and conquered this psychological burden since I was 12 years old. And I needed to look after myself, so I need to gain independence and strength on my own. I am to the point of feeling liberated, and so are many rape victims who then realize they are survivors. They say the only thing worse than being raped or sexually assaulted is being murdered.

And I felt like I needed to open up because it shouldn't be taboo and it's something people cannot be ignorant about. It effects children, teenagers, adults, and elderly people. It affects males and females. It affects family members and strangers. It affects prostitutes and nuns. It's a global act of brutal domination and that's why it's a common tool against the innocent in the worst of battlefields.

And it's condolences like yours, Suz, an understanding like yours that helps us become survivors after we became victims.

And to anyone who has been victimized, who's a bit timid to share it, you don't have to and you're a magnificent person who just got caught in the worst of circumstances. You may feel like a victim, but trust me, you will be alright. You've already been through the worst and now it comes to just straightening the aftermath after such a downfall. You will become a survivor. Just find that beacon of hope, even though it became obfuscated.

Edited November 2, 2008 by DeepBlackZeppelin

[Medhb]

Thank you Suz, thank you very much.

I spared everyone the details but I would like to make people aware that it is a severe crime and it does have negative effects on the person. It goes so much more beyond my internal, violated wrecked soul, it provides a stigma for us, by those who never understand the brutality of the crime.

Many, besides my mother, think it's not a big deal, and I wonder what is a big deal then. I can't trust some of my friends because they'll say 'oh that's bad' and then, ten seconds later, they'll focus on someone else so much more. It's okay though because I don't need their condolences. I support my friends, all the time, but they don't really return the favor too much. So I don't really talk about my problems so much anymore.

Immature guys don't want anything to do with you: they shame the sexual crime victim because she is soiled, and she must have so much emotional baggage. They don't want to deal with her, they've got problems of their own. They run for the hills. They give you the chance, you open up, then you become ostracized immediately. It takes a noble and kind man to comfort you and make you realize the beauty of a relationship, it doesn't take just a man or a testosterone-fueled teenage junkie. I don't want any relationship right now.

Family members tell you to shush up about it: don't tell the school social worker, don't tell the therapist, don't tell your trusted friends, you'll ruin our reputation. You'll make us seem like crazy psychopaths, shut up. Then they would say 'why did you wear this?' 'why didn't you say that' and try to excuse this man's actions. Only my father cares and says, "if only I knew and could have called the police"

We are lucky we survived because we could have easily been killed. Many of us victims have a hard time trusting anybody because if it seems like no one cares when you've been assaulted and raped, why else would they care about you? We become abandoned, we feel shame, and we feel a strong anxiety in any situation which will drag us down again to the same standpoint. We become wary and sensitive of our surroundings.

We wake up with terrifying, vivid nightmares as if we're living it over again. The flashbacks reel back in our mind like a detailed movie. Anything can trigger this: people joking about rape, a violent movie scene, a scent, a yell. It affects us so much that we literally are shaking, thinking about it to the point of illness and depression, tumultuously shaking our eating and sleeping habits to abnormality. To cope with it, many have abused drugs, became prostitutes, and committed suicide.

We have felt alone, and I have felt alone for many years because it's something no one can understand unless they've been through it, and many can ridicule you for, twisting it and finding some way to blame it on you. It was difficult to open up.

But, I have fought and conquered this psychological burden since I was 12 years old. And I needed to look after myself, so I need to gain independence and strength on my own. I am to the point of feeling liberated, and so are many rape victims who then realize they are survivors. They say the only thing worse than being raped or sexually assaulted is being murdered.

And I felt like I needed to open up because it shouldn't be taboo and it's something people cannot be ignorant about. It effects children, teenagers, adults, and elderly people. It affects males and females. It affects family members and strangers. It affects prostitutes and nuns. It's a global act of brutal domination and that's why it's a common tool against the innocent in the worst of battlefields.

And it's condolences like yours, Suz, an understanding like yours that helps us become survivors after we became victims.

And to anyone who has been victimized, who's a bit timid to share it, you don't have to and you're a magnificent person who just got caught in the worst of circumstances. You may feel like a victim, but trust me, you will be alright. You've already been through the worst and now it comes to just straightening the aftermath after such a downfall. You will become a survivor. Just find that beacon of hope, even though it became obfuscated.

Oh Honey, what you are sharing with all of us here is you unfolding out of your cocoon and blooming into the beautiful butterfly you were always meant to be. I'm so touched that you have shared this story with us.

We probably talk to people every day who have been through similar tragedies and we aren't even aware of it. We can be blissfully unaware because so many victims do exactly what your mom would have liked you to do....brush it under the rug. But it seems that what many of us don't understand is that it isn't dust that you can just get rid of, it's now become part of your essence, who you are, and how you view life.

I am so proud of you for making it to this point in your recovery and I just know you will go even further! You are such a caring individual, maybe someday you will work in a field that counsels victims of aggression and abuse.

Plus, you are tearing down the walls that are the stigma to these types of crimes. If someone pushed you down on the sidewalk and kicked you in the stomach everyone would be enraged! And you would tell people about it with indignation, not shame! Our culture has made sexual assault something 'dirty'....and it is a shame that the victim is made to feel like THEY are the dirty ones! Oh Honey, keep your head proud and keep seeing your therapist. You have come so far! You have soooo much to be proud of!! It's people like you who can share their stories that will change the way other people view and deal with these situations. And one day, the world will be a better place.

Many Hugs to you....Love, Light and Blessings....Medhb

[DeepBlackZeppelin]

You're a very sweet person, Mindy, and I appreciate your time to answer this.

Your input doesn't make just me feel better, but everyone who was caught in this dismal and unfortunate circumstance.

It takes guts to response so positively to something most people shy away from because "eek, that's seems serious."

and that goes for you too, Suz.

Edited November 3, 2008 by DeepBlackZeppelin

[ally]

You're a very sweet person, Mindy, and I appreciate your time to answer this.

Your input doesn't make just me feel better, but everyone who was caught in this dismal and unfortunate circumstance.

It takes guts to response so positively to something most people shy away from because "eek, that's seems serious."

and that goes for you too, Suz.

The stigma must be horrible to deal with. Your ordeal should serve as an eye openner to everyone here. I won't be so bold as to compare this story with yours but my youngest son and his friend were attacked while walking home by 3 guy's in their early 20's about 4 yrs ago. My son was 15 at the time. They were severely beaten with golf clubs and were only saved by his older brother and his friends who luckily, just happened to be walking home themselves. Dealing with the police, was a joke. They would not concider charges and we were warned that if we persued it any further, both our son's could be charged as well. That experience for my son has stuck with him to this day. He does not trust the cops, he is still very angry, and yes, he and his buddy were viewed as wimpy as opposed to victims by many of their peers at school. He has since graduated but I can't help but think that that experience and the anger that has come with it, is affecting his decision process. He has been to counselling over the years and he is open enough about the subject that his mother and I can talk with him however, the system has failed him, but he know's that sometimes it fails everyone. It's the stigma that somehow he was to blame for what happened that is sticking with him.

He was not and neither are you.

[Aquamarine]

I had no idea that you had been dealing with something this heavy, DBZ, and I feel privileged to be allowed to read it--and, because I know this matters to both of us, even on a subject like this, I felt that you expressed it so well. I think expressing it is a kind of catharsis in itself, and I'm so glad you found a community of people you could trust to tell your story. Because not only will this help you, it will help others who haven't yet found the courage to put their own feelings into words and/or communicate them to others--and nothing is worse than feeling alone in this kind of situation, as you know only too well. Especially when friends and family feel there's something shameful or taboo about the experience, when the only shame should attach to the perpetrator. But when more victims are as brave as you in coming out and telling your stories, more of these perpetrators will cease to get away with it. So good for you many times over, my friend.

This is a total cliche but it's true--whatever doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. Ultimately, you'll be a stronger, more mature person for having survived this horrible experience, and you'll be able to survive anything else that life throws at you--hopefully, nothing this bad again. You become forced to rely on your own resources, because as you said, other people can't see the world through your eyes, and you find yourself reliving the experience in order to exorcise it. But little by little, it seems you are exorcising it, and at the same time helping us to see what the world looks like from your perspective and that of other victims. You're a brave young woman, and I'm proud of you!

[caroselambra~]

My thoughts are with you on this.

I had a nervous breakdown in 2001 and am only now getting completely back to normal (with the help of meds - not counselling)

It was without doubt the worst period of my life - and something that family and friends found hard to understand or deal with.

But I got there in the end and so will you!!

Take care!

caroselambra~

Edited November 3, 2008 by caroselambra~

[DeepBlackZeppelin]

The stigma must be horrible to deal with. Your ordeal should serve as an eye openner to everyone here. I won't be so bold as to compare this story with yours but my youngest son and his friend were attacked while walking home by 3 guy's in their early 20's about 4 yrs ago. My son was 15 at the time. They were severely beaten with golf clubs and were only saved by his older brother and his friends who luckily, just happened to be walking home themselves. Dealing with the police, was a joke. They would not concider charges and we were warned that if we persued it any further, both our son's could be charged as well. That experience for my son has stuck with him to this day. He does not trust the cops, he is still very angry, and yes, he and his buddy were viewed as wimpy as opposed to victims by many of their peers at school. He has since graduated but I can't help but think that that experience and the anger that has come with it, is affecting his decision process. He has been to counselling over the years and he is open enough about the subject that his mother and I can talk with him however, the system has failed him, but he know's that sometimes it fails everyone. It's the stigma that somehow he was to blame for what happened that is sticking with him.

He was not and neither are you.

Thank you ally, and please listen to me. I don't care if that case isn't as severe as mine, it's still severe. He was victimized in this case, and that is what matters. I am absolutely infuriated with the way the police handled it. I absolutely sympathize with your son and his friends here, and I feel as enraged as he does. He definitely didn't receive justice for what happened to him, and in my eyes, he's as much as a victim as I am, a victim to the way life treated us. All my condolences to him.

I had no idea that you had been dealing with something this heavy, DBZ, and I feel privileged to be allowed to read it--and, because I know this matters to both of us, even on a subject like this, I felt that you expressed it so well. I think expressing it is a kind of catharsis in itself, and I'm so glad you found a community of people you could trust to tell your story. Because not only will this help you, it will help others who haven't yet found the courage to put their own feelings into words and/or communicate them to others--and nothing is worse than feeling alone in this kind of situation, as you know only too well. Especially when friends and family feel there's something shameful or taboo about the experience, when the only shame should attach to the perpetrator. But when more victims are as brave as you in coming out and telling your stories, more of these perpetrators will cease to get away with it. So good for you many times over, my friend.

This is a total cliche but it's true--whatever doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. Ultimately, you'll be a stronger, more mature person for having survived this horrible experience, and you'll be able to survive anything else that life throws at you--hopefully, nothing this bad again. You become forced to rely on your own resources, because as you said, other people can't see the world through your eyes, and you find yourself reliving the experience in order to exorcise it. But little by little, it seems you are exorcising it, and at the same time helping us to see what the world looks like from your perspective and that of other victims. You're a brave young woman, and I'm proud of you!

Your words are too kind, Aquamarine, and it's because of words like yours that offer a bit of relief from trying to tackle this demon myself. One thing that bothers me Aqua is that when people hear the words, sexual assault or abuse or anything related to it, they just grow so repulsive. Well, guess what, it happens. And they have the luxury to go home and forget about those words, but I am the one who goes home and has it stuck within me for the rest of my life. And your maturity makes me realize, even more, that it's not a topic to shy away from and can be dealt with maturely. It's sensitive, but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I'd rather save a life with the gruesome details than to repress it all just to spare embarrassment. It does happen, and I wish it could stop. But as for me, I've got a bit of a chip on my shoulder, but I will persevere. Thank you very much for your input.

My thoughts are with you on this.

I had a nervous breakdown in 2001 and am only now getting completely back to normal (with the help of meds - not counselling)

It was without doubt the worst period of my life - and something that family and friends found hard to understand or deal with.

But I got there in the end and so will you!!

Take care!

caroselambra~

Thank you very much, and I am glad you've got to vindicate yourself. You keep your head up and you stay strong. I am proud of you too, and I'll be just alright.

[ally]

Thanks DBZ.

[Aquamarine]

I'd rather save a life with the gruesome details than to repress it all just to spare embarrassment. It does happen, and I wish it could stop.

Repressing it is the worst thing you or anyone could do--and by expressing and exorcising all your feelings about it, by looking at all the gruesome details so they don't stay hidden and people know what those bastards can do, in the long run you not only help to save other lives but, like Flannery O'Connor said, the life you save may be your own.

[ninelives]

I commend those who have shared their stories here. It takes great courage and strength to do so and further to that, to reach out and accept help. There should be no stigma attached to that because the only way out is through. Not dealing with whatever struggles we have because of some irrational societal beliefs about it will only exacerbate the situation. My thoughts are with you all as you travel the road to healing.

[longdistancewinner]

DBZ, to talk about what you've gone through, and remain selfless in your hope of helping others - well, we need more people like you in society. I can't begin to imagine how horrific your ordeal has been, but I commend you on being open with us

I had a nervous breakdown in 2004. I was 18 and one morning I woke up and it was like my world just slowly crumbled around me. I can't say why it happened, because I've never really known. I suppose there were a lot of factors. My house was broken into whilst we slept, which really fucked me up. I knew two people who were murdered - one a school friend and one a work colleague. I lost a family member at 9. Another family member effectively abandoned us. My mother has been seriously ill on/off for as long as I can remember.

What really tore at me, more than being depressed or anxious, was having to quit school. I felt so angry with myself that I couldn't carry on, mentally and emotionally, with my schoolwork and that I wasn't on the same level as my peergroup. I felt such a desperation that I was never gonna be on the same level as all those people, and I felt like such a failure. I still do. As trivial as it sounds, that anger and sadness stuck with me for a long time.

I've done doctors, physcologists, councellors, therapy, medication, self-help, change of diet, excercise - oh, how they said that was the holy grail for depression -, etc. All to no avail, so to speak. It's taken the edge off it, but it hasn't gone away. In fact, I'd say this year has been the worst one yet.

I became so dependant on my first set of medication that when I went off them I needed sleeping pills to help me sleep. I mean, my doctor just gave me these little red pills, take one a day before bedtime, and I'd be out for 12 hours. I kid you not. By the time I went off them, because I believe they were starting to do more harm than good, I needed sleeping pills to help me sleep at night.

I'm not 100% and I don't suppose I ever will be, but I'm fighting everyday to make sure I don't go back to how it began. I refuse to be too afraid to leave my house. I refuse to be so anxious that concentration is near impossible. I refuse to eat so little that I lose drastic weight.

[DeepBlackZeppelin]

DBZ, to talk about what you've gone through, and remain selfless in your hope of helping others - well, we need more people like you in society. I can't begin to imagine how horrific your ordeal has been, but I commend you on being open with us

I had a nervous breakdown in 2004. I was 18 and one morning I woke up and it was like my world just slowly crumbled around me. I can't say why it happened, because I've never really known. I suppose there were a lot of factors. My house was broken into whilst we slept, which really fucked me up. I knew two people who were murdered - one a school friend and one a work colleague. I lost a family member at 9. Another family member effectively abandoned us. My mother has been seriously ill on/off for as long as I can remember.

What really tore at me, more than being depressed or anxious, was having to quit school. I felt so angry with myself that I couldn't carry on, mentally and emotionally, with my schoolwork and that I wasn't on the same level as my peergroup. I felt such a desperation that I was never gonna be on the same level as all those people, and I felt like such a failure. I still do. As trivial as it sounds, that anger and sadness stuck with me for a long time.

I've done doctors, physcologists, councellors, therapy, medication, self-help, change of diet, excercise - oh, how they said that was the holy grail for depression -, etc. All to no avail, so to speak. It's taken the edge off it, but it hasn't gone away. In fact, I'd say this year has been the worst one yet.

I became so dependant on my first set of medication that when I went off them I needed sleeping pills to help me sleep. I mean, my doctor just gave me these little red pills, take one a day before bedtime, and I'd be out for 12 hours. I kid you not. By the time I went off them, because I believe they were starting to do more harm than good, I needed sleeping pills to help me sleep at night.

I'm not 100% and I don't suppose I ever will be, but I'm fighting everyday to make sure I don't go back to how it began. I refuse to be too afraid to leave my house. I refuse to be so anxious that concentration is near impossible. I refuse to eat so little that I lose drastic weight.

Oh my, that is quite a shocking and saddening ordeal for you. I wish I could give you all the resources to finally end it. I really do.

But please know that all those murders, that burglary, your mother being ill, it's really isn't any of your fault, it really isn't. That is a huge burden for anybody to carry. Please know that those unfortunate events had to happen to such person and it's unjust that it happened, and it's not anything you did.

Now, please, you need to realize you had a setback. You didn't fail, you just got set back. Once you realize this, you can always go back to school. You can always pick up the pieces and go back to where it started to go wrong.

You have a strong spirit too because you refuse to let it all go wrong again. This attitude, even if you don't believe it, will help you in the end. It really will.

It's so difficult to pick our feet up and move to the next level of our lives, but it's not impossible. What we all need in life is trusted people who will support us. When we have social support, we feel encouraged enough to try again.

It might sound intimidating, but perhaps a visit to an alternative doctor can perhaps help. I mean, anxiety is a serious deal and I think you need a second opinion.

I am proud of your perseverance, and please persist even through the hardest of times.

I really wish I could take it all away.