solar Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Today's going to be a long day, so I thought I'd liven things up a bit. As I sit here listening to No Quarter from Vancouver '75, anxious and giddy and bored and wound up, I said to myself, "Self, what can you do to help pass the time, lessen the stress and generally be an aid and asset to your community?" I answered, "Shut the F up and go to sleep." But by then, the damage was done and I couldn't sleep. So I came up with this. Today 10 Dec (or Dec. 10) is the day to ask me whatever you like. It can be a question about how to spend this long day waiting for the show, what's wrong with your lover, will this gig be televised/recorded/Webcast, if you look 'chubby' in this outfit, if the Beatles now will reunite, do you have an extra ticket, what kind of bird is that, whether OJ was the real murderer, when is the best time to plant snow peas....basically, anything your heart desires. I, then, will respond to your questions dutifully and earnestly, with the kind of practical, salt-of-the-earth advice and wit that's become expected of me here and with my friends on the outside*. Unlike those folks I know in person, though, this is free of charge for you guys, because I like you all better. So ask away. Operator is standing by. *Disclaimer: Solar! is neither a licensed occupational therapist nor a botanist or an ornithologist, so take that salt-of-the-earth advice with said granules of salt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solar Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 I'm listening to a 41 minute version of Dazed and Confused now, so I've got nothing but time to do this as the sun comes up on the U.S. East Coast(ish)! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FuzzyMerkin Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Dear Aunt Solar Where do all the single socks go that keep disappearing from my laundry? Do they simply hit the road or have they gone to single-sock heaven? I'd like to think that they end up some place nice. Thank you so much for your time and effort Wearsnonmatchingsocks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solar Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Dear Aunt Solar Where do all the single socks go that keep disappearing from my laundry? Do they simply hit the road or have they gone to single-sock heaven? I'd like to think that they end up some place nice. Thank you so much for your time and effort Wearsnonmatchingsocks You're on Ask Solar! Thanks for breaking the ice, Wearsnonmatchingsocks (Fuzzy)! Yes, your socks have found a very nice place, buried under a beautiful oak tree atop a picturesque hill overlooking a placid, crystalline lake. While some think there are gnomes which exist within the dryers who sneak off with any variety of missing undergarments (socks, petticoats, dickies), this is an exaggeration. It's actually Mickey Rooney. When he dies or decides to retire, he will bequeath his position to his understudy Vern Troyer, Mini-Me of Austin Powers fame. They are employed as covert thieves by the Brotherhood of International Sockworkers (BIS) for continued economic success. And then they bury them on that hill. In Ecuador. But don't look for it, it's well hidden. Sincerely, Solar (currently listening to Twenty Flight Rock, etc. from NYC '70) Who's next? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheZeppyWanderer Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 a MASS-DEBATE can be very healthy for a person, or so I'm told, allegedly can you confirm if this is true Solar ...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solar Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 a MASS-DEBATE can be very healthy for a person, or so I'm told, allegedly can you confirm if this is true Solar ...? Welcome to Ask Solar! Zeppy, let me tell you something. There is nothing about mass that is healthy for a person or society in general. For example: * The New England Journal of Medicine, a highly regarded medical periodical, reported in March '03 that the more weight you put on, the more at-risk you become for heart disease, cancer, botulism and certain forms of leprosy. * Pews can cause hemorrhoids, so long Catholic services should be avoided. * Critical mass can often lead to revolution. I recommend that any debate you want to perform alone should be done in moderation while in a dimly lit room and with plenty of towels nearby. Yours truly, Solar (listening to MMH/SIBLY from Offenburg '73) Next poster, please! You're on Ask Solar! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evster2012 Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Dear Solar, I bought two 30-packs of beer and two packs of cigarettes yesterday. I've gone through 21 beers and a half-pack of smokes (with a 2-hour nap a little while ago). Will what remains last me through this day of Zeppelin days, and will I be able to stay awake for text updates from friends at the O2? Yours blurrily, Evster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solar Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Dear Solar, I bought two 30-packs of beer and two packs of cigarettes yesterday. I've gone through 21 beers and a half-pack of smokes (with a 2-hour nap a little while ago). Will what remains last me through this day of Zeppelin days, and will I be able to stay awake for text updates from friends at the O2? Yours blurrily, Evster Welcome to the topic, Evster (if that is your REAL name)! While I can say that 21 beers is a considerable amount, I'd also have to ask what style of brew you are drinking. Ales tend to keep people awake longer than stouts. Lagers more so than stout but less than ales. Cigarettes, while proven to be an aid to longer lives by most US doctors, have little to no effect on staying awake. Hence the 4 million deaths worldwide by dropped Marlboro post-coitus in the bed. May I suggest a Chef's Cocktail to aid in your quest. A friend, who is not surprisingly a chef, says it's Red Bull mixed with Coke (the cola, you depraved readers). One of those every few hours in between beers, coupled with a No-Doz, should do the trick and help you type at least 112 words a minute. If that fails, try the other coke. Or RC Cola, which gets too little love. Eating turkey should be avoided at all costs. And for gods' sake, get more beer before you run out of those last nine! I also recommend you do as I do: keep eye drops handy at all times to keep the eyes lubricated, lather Vicks Vaporub underneath your nose and on your chest, crank a pair of headphones at top volume and a chair filled with pins and needles. Report back to us soon, but call the fire department if your bed should catch fire. All the best, Solar! (listening to Achilles Last Stand from the 2nd Copenhagen '79 warm-up show) Alright, who's next on Ask Solar!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evster2012 Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Well Solar, First off, I'm drinking Natural Light. Galling as it may sound, at $11.99 a 30-pack at Stater Bros., you can't beat it for the guy between jobs. Sold an effects pedal on eBay recently and celebrated with a 12-pack of Guiness. Man that was refreshing! As for smoking in bed, I don't as a rule. On those occasions where reading or watching television in bed calls for a smoke, I've got the ever-vigilant Angi at my side to point out that my breathing might suggest an impending loss of conciousness. That's one of the few perks of being a snorer: your woman knows when you're drifting off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solar Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Well Solar, First off, I'm drinking Natural Light. Galling as it may sound, at $11.99 a 30-pack at Stater Bros., you can't beat it for the guy between jobs. Sold an effects pedal on eBay recently and celebrated with a 12-pack of Guiness. Man that was refreshing! As for smoking in bed, I don't as a rule. On those occasions where reading or watching television in bed calls for a smoke, I've got the ever-vigilant Angi at my side to point out that my breathing might suggest an impending loss of conciousness. That's one of the few perks of being a snorer: your woman knows when you're drifting off! Ahh, Guiness. You know, pregnant women in Ireland are encouraged to drink one a day. It provides all the nutrients a baby needs for a healthy, hearty life. I kid you not. This is not simply an old wives' tale being used for propaganda. If you're drinking Natty Light, you should be able to drink for 24 hours straight. However, it does suggest other more pressing problems. Try switching to Miller High Life or Red Dog -- both can be bought in large quantities and just as cheap! But drink up tonight for all of us who have to work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solar Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 The line is open, we're waiting for our next poster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KashmirDevi Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Long time listener, first time caller. I'm having a difficult time concentrating on my tasks for the day due to the concert. My mind is racing and all kinds ridiculous thoughts are passing thru like.... You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why are red buttons always the most important? What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder? Why do they say a paper cut is the worse kind of cut? Wouldn't a machete cut be worse? So as you can see I NEED HELP getting thru the day today. What can I do, how should I do it and for how long? Signed, desperatelyinneedofzeppelininnewjersey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evster2012 Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Long time listener, first time caller. Literally laughing my ass off!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solar Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Long time listener, first time caller. I'm having a difficult time concentrating on my tasks for the day due to the concert. My mind is racing and all kinds ridiculous thoughts are passing thru like.... You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why are red buttons always the most important? What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder? Why do they say a paper cut is the worse kind of cut? Wouldn't a machete cut be worse? So as you can see I NEED HELP getting thru the day today. What can I do, how should I do it and for how long? Signed, desperatelyinneedofzeppelininnewjersey Whoa, whoa, whoa there. Slow down and get some O2, DINOZINJ. Oops, probably should have said oxygen, huh? Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. For quick and efficient answers to your questions: No, Carl Sagan, easy to find, Catch 22, ouch vs. yyyyeeearrrggghh!!!! and come back to this thread often. What, that's not good enough for you? Wow, what a demanding audience. I like you. You're all special to me. Caller? Poster? Are you still there? I forgot to tell you to repeat that breathe in-breathe out thing. Well, hopefully you're still listening and not on the floor turning blue. For my usual convoluted, drawn out responses to each individual one: You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them? It's a little known fact that the U.S. state of Vermont is the only state to legally allow you to dine sans pants. There's a statewide cottage industry which caters to knickers-free dining, with every imaginable type of restaurant -- Italian and French to Chinese and Japanese, Mexican to Indian. Upscale to McDonalds. Dine-in to carry out. There are even pants-free delivery services. However, I would recommend avoiding the family style-buffets. That's just...weird. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Humans can't fathom numbers as large as 4 million, but they sure do understand wet. I believe it harkens back to the cavemen's early dalliances with fire. I mean, it scared the shit out of them, but you know they still kept running their hands over it and dancing through it. And if it weren't for those brave, brave cavemen, what would we wave in the air during "Free Bird"? Exactly. Apply the same principles to paint, then subtract brain cells, and voila! Why are red buttons always the most important? Perception, my dear. Red is a sign of warning, which is why I tried to stop dating redheads and kept failing -- your eyes are quickly drawn to them. But then again, what if ALL the buttons were red and there was one lone turquoise one. That would change your perception of which is important. Of course, the most important buttons in my house, however, are flesh color! Think about THAT for a while. What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder? The ladder falls on you, but you don't get hurt. Duh! Why do they say a paper cut is the worse kind of cut? Wouldn't a machete cut be worse? If you get a paper cut, you can't stop thinking about how much it hurts. If you get slashed by a machete, you're concerned about dying and blood loss. The hurt is the farthest thing from your mind -- a tourniquet is. Ever get lemon juice in a machete wound? I didn't think so. You just can't compare...you just can't compare. So as you can see I NEED HELP getting thru the day today. What can I do, how should I do it and for how long? Drink heavily for as long as needed. Pass out. Wake up. Repeat steps 1 and 2. Peace, love and harmony, Solar! (currently listening to LZ's version of Money, Frankfurt '80) OK, who do we have next in line? Poster? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KashmirDevi Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Hum, all those were so obvious, I don't know why I didn't think of it. Thanks solar!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthekingshorses Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Dear Solar, I'm not really sure what to ask. Could you help me? Thanks, allthekingshorses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solar Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Dear Solar, I'm not really sure what to ask. Could you help me? Thanks, allthekingshorses. Welcome, horsey! Wow, that's a tough one. That's like the age-old question "If you could have dinner with any famous person dead or alive, who would it be?" Or, "What does the price of tea in China have to do with it?" Or, "Will the O2 show be recorded/broadcast?" If I were asking myself a question, I'd probably go with, "Who the fuck do you think you are?" To which I'd promptly reply, "Who the fuck do YOU think you are?" I'd go round and round with myself like that, pushing and shoving and posturing macho until someone stepped in and separated me. Some days, I just don't know how I live with myself. Godspeed, Solar! (listening to In My Time Of Dying, Vancouver '75) OK kiddies, who wants a piece of me next? Step to the plate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Da-Lo Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Why should I become a porn star? - Mr. Da-Lo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solar Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Why should I become a porn star? - Mr. Da-Lo How-do, Mr. Da-Lo. Welcome to Ask Solar! The obvious answer here is because you have the biggest little drummer who hits the skins harder than anyone twice his size. But then I'd be talking about The Hard Lessons, and you're talking about porn. To stay on topic, there are plenty of good reasons to join the porn industry. Things like: * Meeting exotic people. * Traveling the world. * Experiencing new and fascinating things you never thought possible. * Personal satisfaction and pride * Medical benefits for you and your spouse/domestic partner * Educational and monetary benefits that can last a lifetime * Family tradition * Honor * Devotion to duty * Learning useful new skills * Full-time employment * Job security * Personal improvement * Answering the call to serve your country * Taking a stand against terrorism Oh wait, did you say you wanted to be a porn star or join the Army? My bad. My mind is wandering as it gets closer to Zep time. If you think you want to be a porn star, usually the reasons are chicks and money. And really, if you're going to do that, I recommend becoming a meth dealer. All the trappings of porn without the cameras! How could you go wrong! Call me when you make your first million, but not if you need bail money! Serving America since 1974, Solar! (listening to As Long As I Have You, SF Fillmore West '69) Keep 'em coming folks, I've got my answer-phaser set to stun! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mooney1975 Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Long time listener, first time caller. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solar Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 Hello, poster? Are you there? Do you have a question for Ask Solar!? Stop all that heavy breathing and ask away! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthekingshorses Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Welcome, horsey! Wow, that's a tough one. That's like the age-old question "If you could have dinner with any famous person dead or alive, who would it be?" Or, "What does the price of tea in China have to do with it?" Or, "Will the O2 show be recorded/broadcast?" If I were asking myself a question, I'd probably go with, "Who the fuck do you think you are?" To which I'd promptly reply, "Who the fuck do YOU think you are?" I'd go round and round with myself like that, pushing and shoving and posturing macho until someone stepped in and separated me. Some days, I just don't know how I live with myself. Godspeed, Solar! (listening to In My Time Of Dying, Vancouver '75) OK kiddies, who wants a piece of me next? Step to the plate. lol, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GioBrasil Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Dear solar, What to do with (every) monday's hangover? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solar Posted December 10, 2007 Author Share Posted December 10, 2007 What do you do during a solar eclipse ? Do you remain conscience..will you still be able to respond to questions ? And I bet you're really on fire during a sunstorm !! What were you so upset about during this episode ? Unable to acquire tickets to tonight's show ? Wow, joelmon, more questions about me? I'm touched my readers care so deeply. To you, a doft of the proverbial cap. During solar eclipses, or lunar ones for that matter, my superpowers grow 100 times stronger than normal. You see, unlike Superman, the yellow sun and its reflective rays off the mon hinder my keen abilities. It is during these times which I rise like a phoenix and assume my rightful superhero positioning and posture. Alas, my super powers are limited to answering these questions. But just imagine how much more fucking awesome these answers would be had there been an eclipse today? 100 times, that's how much more awesome! (I did just type that in the paragraph above, you know?) Mere mortals couldn't take it, I'm sure. And for the record, I don't get upset. I just get even. Mazel tov and huzzah! Solar! (currently listening to Heartbreaker/Whole Lotta Love, Detroit '73) This is Ask Solar! Who've I got next? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mooney1975 Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Hello, poster? Are you there? Do you have a question for Ask Solar!? Stop all that heavy breathing and ask away! Sorry, my asthma was acting up. My question is will the Cubbies ever win the World Series? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.