It's 6:30 am and I'm drinking coffee. I just got back from yoga with my Priest. Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks of tapas (austerities) for Lord Siva. I have another 2 weeks to go before I end my penance.
I have experienced periodic mood swings, and since yesterday I have been acutely lonely and somewhat depressed. I am also noticing the way the mind races without rhyme or reason in a hapless and desperate manner.
It's a wonder why I am even posting because I am feeling withdrawn; socializing superficially seems to be a bore and a useless waste of time.
The times I have recently spent socializing have been marked with a pointed and objective awareness of people's mannerisms and unconscious communication cues; and I have felt strangely in control of my thoughts and projections, and detached from personal emotion.
My Priest suggested several days ago that dyana was a very important part of hatha yoga; in fact it was the key of sadhana; that to focus and control the mind was paramount in the trials that I will face in my sadhana. He also mentioned that this was particularly true for a bachelor, and that I needed this focus to practice Brahmacharya. I am sorry to say, however, that I have thus far failed in this endeavor; for, you see, Brahmacharya entails controlling ones thoughts of sex, as well as refraining from ALL sexual release.
I am not yet strong enough.