Not to make excuses, because I know better than anyone that is cycle of self-destruction I've gotten myself into has continued--interrupted only temporarily by brief moments of self-restraint-- for the better part of the last three years. It's just very hard for me to make the leap to committing to a therapist because I've been burned by one before. It's a long story, but the therapist I saw for the better part of a year was the mother of one of my high school classmates and although the immediate effects of my condition weren't exactly hidden from everyone else, I found out this therapist told her daughter about our sessions and she went and told everyone else.. teachers included.. it was a very humiliating experience. Add to this an experience I had last year with an ex-roommate (mothers got involved, I had to take a drug test/be psychologically evaluated by the housing board) and I hate opening up to people about my condition for fear of being judged and/or exposed against my will.. like it would make good gossip fodder for some individuals that would get wind of it. I know ultimately it's my duty to myself--namely my sanity and happiness-- that requires me to take a proactive approach to getting help. It's the process of getting the ball moving that I find so hard.
But, as I've been telling myself for a very, very long time during this arduous stop-go-stop-go process.. you can keep telling yourself "tomorrow will be different.. tommorow I will change..." but ultimately, tomorrow never comes.. it has to be today.