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Bustle In My Hedgerow

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Everything posted by Bustle In My Hedgerow

  1. Yup.. it warmed up a bit, but it's still really crappy for Texas.. ice was falling off the trees yesterday morning since it was sunny but Tuesday was a really crappy day. Today it's sunny.. a bit of a chill but I'm grateful for the sun.
  2. Absolutely dreadful.. drizzling, cold, wind chills, and not a bit of sunlight outside... I hate this weather.
  3. Back at college.. which means.. more bored webcam pics..
  4. The character nuances are really great.. just little touches Toole put in, giving each character their own personality.. I notice things like that. So far it's good.. I'm about halfway done.. I expect to finish it by the end of the week. Did you like it when you read it?
  5. "A Confederacy of Dunces" by John Kennedy Toole
  6. I have to vent because I feel like the illness I've lived with for the past 5 years has caused my brother to start picking up on the habits and mannerisms I know so well. He's not eating at all anymore. He lashes out at all of us in anger. He goes to bed at 7 pm so he doesn't have to 'think about food' and lies under the covers and cries. I sit behind the bedroom door and listen to him and quietly sob because I know what he's feeling. I know how deep his wounds are and I don't know how to reach out to him because a) I feel like I'm partially responsible for wounding him so deeply and B ) I feel like a complete hypocrite because I am just as messed up as he is and a part of me feels jealously that he has so much control.. and then I feel like a horrible person, deep down inside. I feel like I didn't give him enough love, like I used my illness as a reason to punish everyone else when I was his age... and I never realized how much damage I caused until now, now that I see how hurtful it is from an outsiders point of view. I don't know the depth of his depression.. as far as I know he's not eating and gets angry very quickly.. a part of me fears that it's only a matter of time before he starts dabbling in the more self-destructive things I did a few years ago. I really don't know how to deal with it.. my youngest brother is scared to death of what he might do to him.. I suspect he gets violent from time to time and berates him emotionally and verbally. My mom is at the end of her rope and I don't know how to help her. Everyone tells me it's not my problem to fix, but I feel so much guilt for not trying to fix such a broken family.. partly because I feel broken, too. I don't mean to make this a pity party... forgive me. It's just suffocating to be here at home.. a place where I should find solace and happiness has turned into a place where I'm reminded of my failures and bad influence.
  7. Shrek 3... My brother is sitting on the couch while I sit at the desk.
  8. Thank you, ally.. congratulations Mandy! You should be proud
  9. Woke up this morning.. well, didn't really sleep to begin with.. but I woke up at 5 am this morning to study and didn't think to check the weather.. when I stepped outside at 8 am it was around 35 degrees outside.. it was 80 degrees just last night!
  10. Finishing that devil of a history final.. 9 pages front and back and continuous writing for three hours.. but I think I aced it!
  11. I am done with philosophy for the rest of my college career! YAY!
  12. I have a philosophy final in an hour and 20 minutes! Oh wait.. this should go in the "What made you want to bang your head against a wall today?" thread
  13. Playing with the webcam effects is so much better than studying for finals..
  14. Not to make excuses, because I know better than anyone that is cycle of self-destruction I've gotten myself into has continued--interrupted only temporarily by brief moments of self-restraint-- for the better part of the last three years. It's just very hard for me to make the leap to committing to a therapist because I've been burned by one before. It's a long story, but the therapist I saw for the better part of a year was the mother of one of my high school classmates and although the immediate effects of my condition weren't exactly hidden from everyone else, I found out this therapist told her daughter about our sessions and she went and told everyone else.. teachers included.. it was a very humiliating experience. Add to this an experience I had last year with an ex-roommate (mothers got involved, I had to take a drug test/be psychologically evaluated by the housing board) and I hate opening up to people about my condition for fear of being judged and/or exposed against my will.. like it would make good gossip fodder for some individuals that would get wind of it. I know ultimately it's my duty to myself--namely my sanity and happiness-- that requires me to take a proactive approach to getting help. It's the process of getting the ball moving that I find so hard. But, as I've been telling myself for a very, very long time during this arduous stop-go-stop-go process.. you can keep telling yourself "tomorrow will be different.. tommorow I will change..." but ultimately, tomorrow never comes.. it has to be today.
  15. Well, today has been a bad day, too. Ever feel like you just need to sob--I mean REALLY sob-- and you can't? Not for lack of trying, believe me.. but everything has just become so numbed that you just can't bring all the dark emotions floating deep within you to the surface?
  16. Thank you all for being so receptive and open about mental illness, whatever it may be. I think those of us afflicted with issues such as these feel a certain sense of compunction because mental illness is so stigmatized in society. It's difficult for me since the cycle of my addiction is ingrained in several generations of my family--family members who are still functioning 'addicts' and in a sense enablers of this disease-- and working on these issues means facing a reality not everyone in my family wants to face.. it's a big elephant in the corner of the room for many of us and I fear that tackling it personally might cause me to alienate some of the people in my life I love dearly.. it's a delicate balance between my sanity and the love I have for my family. Slippery slope.
  17. Today has been a particularly bad day. I felt myself slip into a self-loathing kind of depression and did something to myself I hadn't done in a while. I'm still kind of mopey right now. I can't seem to shake myself out of it.
  18. I have to confess that I do have a mental illness. It's very shameful for me to talk about it, so I won't... but I've read this entire thread and it gives me comfort to know that there are more than just a few of us on here with mental illness.
  19. I'm a lawn ornament... that may or may not be smoking a tater under your tree. ;]

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