Jokes-for the fun of it

[_Lena_Zep]

Q: What is nothing?

A: Nothing is when Bosnian comes to an idea, Serb invests in it and Montenegrin works on it.

[Deborah J]

A woman asked her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declined. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. I think its the Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something, 'a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declined. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asked if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declined again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she said, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!'

[Ronniedawg]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix

Gotta love that one!

[Ronniedawg]

Scottish Sheep Farmer

A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back then goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

[Deborah J]

Scottish Sheep Farmer

A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back then goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

This is hilarious:-)

[Ronniedawg]

My brother sent me this last week, hilarious is right. I am of Scottish descent so it was that much funnier to me - 6'4", 232 pounds of glory!

.....there is a funny story regarding sheep (not funny really, involved murder), but does explain my brothers thought process....

[Khandie]

Two snails were talking one afternoon.

First snail: if you won a million dollars what would you do with it?

Second snail: I would buy a car and put a "S" on the hood, one on each door and one on the trunk and drive it really fast down the highway.

First snail: Why would you do that?

Second snail: So everyone would say "look at that S car go"

My dad told me that one this morning......it's so stupid you have to laugh.

[Evster2012]

Guy walks into the patent office, tells the patent attorney he'd like to patent this. He sets an apple on his desk.

Patent clerk says "You can't patent an apple! They grow in nature!"

Guy says "Taste it

Patent clerk takes a bite "Orange! That's amazing!"

Guy says Turn it a little.

Bananas! This is amazing!

Turn it a little.

Grapes! Of course you can patent this! *Reaches for paperwork*

Guy says You like that eh?

YEAH I like this!

I got one that tastes like p*ssy.

REALLY?

*Hands him the apple*

Hey, this tastes like shit!

Turn it a little.

Sorry.

[Deborah J]

Two snails were talking one afternoon.

First snail: if you won a million dollars what would you do with it?

Second snail: I would buy a car and put a "S" on the hood, one on each door and one on the trunk and drive it really fast down the highway.

First snail: Why would you do that?

Second snail: So everyone would say "look at that S car go"

My dad told me that one this morning......it's so stupid you have to laugh.

Very cute and your Dad sounds like a great guy!!

[Deborah J]

Guy walks into the patent office, tells the patent attorney he'd like to patent this. He sets an apple on his desk.

Patent clerk says "You can't patent an apple! They grow in nature!"

Guy says "Taste it

Patent clerk takes a bite "Orange! That's amazing!"

Guy says Turn it a little.

Bananas! This is amazing!

Turn it a little.

Grapes! Of course you can patent this! *Reaches for paperwork*

Guy says You like that eh?

YEAH I like this!

I got one that tastes like p*ssy.

REALLY?

*Hands him the apple*

Hey, this tastes like shit!

Turn it a little.

Sorry.

Ev..you are not right:-)

[_Lena_Zep]

-Mom, does every fairytale start with ’’Once upon a time...’’?-

-No, son. Your dad, for example, starts the fairytale with: ,,Honey, I have another business meeting tonight...’’-

[Jimmy's A Legend]

There are some amazing jokes, I love the sheep one and the one about the woman's husband dying while she was shopping and omg the about the baby photographer The "S car go" one is the best, simple and funny, well I think it's funny

My dad told me this one.

My Dad: Jesus must have had a dislike for mushrooms.

Me: why's that?

My dad: Because his parents went to an Inn where there wasn't mushroom.

Edir: my dad said dislike becuase at the time I was making a fuss over mushrooms

[zdr]

(sorry…maybe the fun will be lost on translation

“John (“Ion”) and Greg (“Gheorghe”) – the best friends

John returns from holiday, relaxed and happy

Greg -“Where did you go ?”

John - “I traveled in Sweden.”

Greg -“Nice! How were the scandinavians?” (EN: the initial word referes to the scandinavian females)

John – “ ?!” then gives an neutral answer , like “…Ok”

Then, runs and looks into the dictionary. He slaps his face. ”Stupid me! And I had so many good stories!”

Next holiday, the same scenario

G: – “Were did you go?”

J: - “Greece. Beautiful land: blue sea, sunny beaches, …”

G – “How were the hellenics?” (EN: same, the initial word means, in an elegant way, “greece females” )

J: - “?!”

He runs again to the dictionary and figure it out, but to late

Next holiday:

G:- “Were did you go this time?”

J: - “Egipt. Sand, camels…”

G:- “And how were the pyramids?”

J: (nervous to not look ignorant again) – “They were all just sluts!”

[moffo]

What's the difference between Jesus and Bono?

Jesus doesn't walk around thinking he is God.....

[Mary Hartman]

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly losespower and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with alltheir cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers inback to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out apistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle."More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regainscontrol.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They getinto a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side ofthe road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "Apistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Againthey ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalkwho's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" Theboy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

[Deborah J]

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, "Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike.. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart- attitude, you never will

[Mary Hartman]

Q: What’s the safest speed for having sex?

[Mary Hartman]

A: 68, because at 69 you flip over and eat it.

[Deborah J]

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A

FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,

COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,

FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE

GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,

WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE

WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS

THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS

TO THE FRONT DOOR?

THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T

WANT TO FIX STEPS

HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE

ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A

COUPLE OF HOURS................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW

HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES

TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES

THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE

HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES

THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED..

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT

OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME

WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL TH E REPAIRS, AND

ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER

GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,

SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO..

DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN

ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

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[el mago]

Moses, Jesus and the old man.

Moses, Jesus and an old man decided to play a game of golf, and the field was filled with fans before the match.

That hole is considered the most difficult because he had a lake in the middle, Moses threw first...

The ball flew, landed in the middle of the lake and sank. Moses walked to the edge, raised his stick, took them to open the waters, walk down to where the ball was, and suddenly, make another blow, put it in the hole, and the crowd applauded excited.

Then it was the turn of Jesus.

The ball just shot out, and also went straight to the lake, but suddenly stopped and was suspended a few inches from the surface.

Jesus walked on water and then with a precise blow, sent the ball directly into the hole.

The ovation was amazing.

Finally, it was the turn to the old man ..

The ball, once again, fell into the lake and sank, and the public was a respectful silence wondering what could make that old man.

Suddenly a fish jumped out of the water with the ball in his mouth and just then spent an eagle who picked the fish in the fly.

The eagle flew away from the clear sky carrying a fish in its beak, while he was still holding the ball.

Then, as if from nowhere, came a black cloud, and from it came a thunderbolt, striking accurately in the eagle's head, and she fall.

In its descent, the bird dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball and it fell right into the hole.

First there was a dramatic silence and then the people, mad, burst into applause for the old man ..

Jesus then approached the old man, who smiled shyly, and said:

- Dad ... don't fuck off....

Funny isn't? At least this is what the people SAID...

LOL?

[el mago]

Moses, Jesus and the old man.

Moses, Jesus and an old man decided to play a game of golf, and the field was filled with fans before the match.

That hole is considered the most difficult because he had a lake in the middle, Moses threw first...

The ball flew, landed in the middle of the lake and sank. Moses walked to the edge, raised his stick, took them to open the waters, walk down to where the ball was, and suddenly, make another blow, put it in the hole, and the crowd applauded excited.

Then it was the turn of Jesus.

The ball just shot out, and also went straight to the lake, but suddenly stopped and was suspended a few inches from the surface.

Jesus walked on water and then with a precise blow, sent the ball directly into the hole.

The ovation was amazing.

Finally, it was the turn to the old man ..

The ball, once again, fell into the lake and sank, and the public was a respectful silence wondering what could make that old man.

Suddenly a fish jumped out of the water with the ball in his mouth and just then spent an eagle who picked the fish in the fly.

The eagle flew away from the clear sky carrying a fish in its beak, while he was still holding the ball.

Then, as if from nowhere, came a black cloud, and from it came a thunderbolt, striking accurately in the eagle's head, and she fall.

In its descent, the bird dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball and it fell right into the hole.

First there was a dramatic silence and then the people, mad, burst into applause for the old man ..

Jesus then approached the old man, who smiled shyly, and said:

- Dad ... don't fuck off....

Funny isn't? At least this is what the people SAID...

LOL?

taking seriusly the interest shown in this blog by the magic symbols i did

this joke waiting some reaction from all of you ...

as often happens to us all, I have little success and at this moment I'm quoting myself due to the lack of participation...

some people said that: the secret of creativity is knowing how to hide the sources...

(this is a popular rule of the publicists...)

i'm sorry to disappoint to those who thought it was by my authorship...

the former poetry is a friendly spam widely diffunded on castillian mail boxes, it was translated absolutely by my with the wonderfull tool of google and for the first time do not throw any error of sintaxis.

looking in great form on google I could find that the "original" of this work was made in English, but I keep the habit to do translations in vain.

I do not worry too much for that fact, because there's another version of unbelievable grandeur written in Castillian.

this version speaks of a magnificent eagle flying majestically into the clear sky (and the clowd, the thunder, etc.)

I do not feel qualified to translate that work and i don't care too much also, but is a valuable thinking.

for those who don't understand the meaning of this words: let me tell that this contemporary poetry is a beautifull piece of art and is full of esoteric symbolism like no other that I could find on the internet on these days.

here comes the funny think: the original (in english) mentioned above spraids virus on your computer=)

this is the authorized version for English languages...

and was written by a man who call itself gandhi (this is really funny =)

moses, jesus and the old man

so:

if "the secret of the imagination is to hide the fountains..."

no fountains and no imagination =)

(someone knows the stupid autor for this few and sad words?)

I think that, it was larry of the tree stooges...

keep on trying ...

[docron]

Q: Whats the best part of 28 year olds?

A: Theres twenty of them. - Michael Jackson

[Del Zeppnile]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not an Obama fan.’

The teacher asked, ‘Why aren’t you an Obama fan?’

Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Republican.’

The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.’

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your mom was a commie whore and your dad was tap-dancing assclown, what would that make you?’

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, ‘That would make me an Obama fan.

[achilles_heel]

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, "Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike.. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart- attitude, you never will

OMG i laughed so hard at this one!

[59LesPaul]

Two newlyweds are lying in bed, about ready to consummate theirmarriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confessionto make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to hiswife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He dragshimself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"