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Jokes-for the fun of it


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A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half-empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son,but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fuckin' look like it?

Edited by 59LesPaul
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  • 4 weeks later...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom,and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $0.38

Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

Edited by 59LesPaul
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A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not an Obama fan.’

The teacher asked, ‘Why aren’t you an Obama fan?’

Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Republican.’

The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.’

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your mom was a commie whore and your dad was tap-dancing assclown, what would that make you?’

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, ‘That would make me an Obama fan.

Hillarious! Where do get this?

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The manager at a local office noticed that Mr Jones was not at his desk so he asked everyone where he was. When everybody told him that Mr Jones had not reported for work today the manager became worried because Mr Jones was never late and never had time off in the 15 years he had worked for the company, so he decided to phone Mr Jones home.

Ring Ring.

Little Boy. Hello (in a very quiet voice)

Manager. Hello, who's that?

Little Boy. I'm Johnny. (in a very quiet voice)

Manager. Hello Johnny, is you dad there?

Johnny. No (in a very quiet voice)

Manager. What about you're Mum, can i speak to her?

Johnny. No, shes speaking to the policeman. (in a very quiet voice)

Manager. Well can i speak to the Policeman then?

Johnny, No, he's speaking to the Fireman. (in a very quiet voice)

Manager, Well can i speak to the Fireman then?

Johnny, No, he's speaking to the man from the Air and Sea Rescue Helicopter. (in a very quiet voice)

Manager, Air and Sea Rescue Helicopter, who they looking for then?

Johnny, ME, (in a very quiet voice)

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A very enthusiastic and talented man phones an agent that a friend of his has kindly given him.

The man phones and asks the agent if he can get him some work in Hollywood, the agent asked the mans name, which he replies, "Mr Penis Van Lesbian".

The agent says that with a name like that he will never get work in Hollywood or indeed anywhere else.

The man becomes angry saying, "Zee Von Lesbians have a history of 700 unbroken years of service to zee Kings of France, Holland, Luxembourg and Germany, and we will never change our name for fame, fortune or anything, good by"

The agent sighs and puts the phone down.

15 years later an envelope arrives at the agents office, the agent opens it to find a cheque for £100,000 in it and a note saying,

"Dear Sir,

I had a rethink and i did what you suggested, i changed my name and my fortune has turned in too a reality, i have become rich and famous and thought it my duty to repay you for your kind suggestion all those years ago. Please accept my cheque for £100,000.

Much appreciated, Dick Van Dyke"

Edited by BIGDAN
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on,get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Edited by 59LesPaul
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Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: The heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste time on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up the heart will not make you live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What do cows eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine . And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION.....

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store

operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good-looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good-looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-

dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this

floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

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HP camera 'can't see' black faces A YouTube video suggesting that face recognition cameras installed in HP laptops cannot detect black faces has had over one million views.The short movie, uploaded earlier this month, features "Black Desi" and his colleague "White Wanda".When Wanda, a white woman, is in front of the screen, the camera zooms to her face and moves as she moves.But when Desi, a black man, does the same, the camera does not respond by tracking him.The clip is light-hearted in tone but is titled "HP computers are racist". :o"HP has been informed of a potential issue with the facial-tracking software included on some of its systems, which appears to occur when insufficient foreground lighting is available," an HP spokesman told BBC News."We take this seriously and are looking into it with our partners." Well hell, I can't either!!149nxu8.jpg

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1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

- - Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

- - Howard, age 8

7.. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9(bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .......

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . -- Ricky , age 10

Edited by Deborah J
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  • 3 months later...

An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."

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  • 4 weeks later...

Some jokes about people from my region (considered slower, calm, serious people):

1. Some peoples are gathering snails. All return with the baskets full, except the one from "Ardeal".When asked what happened, he responded: "Well, I saw the snail, I tried to get him, but the snail..just ran."

2. The wife ask for divorce. She said to the judge: "We are marry for about one year, and..nothing. Either he don't want it, either he don't know how, either he simply can't". He respond: "Your Honor,I want and I know and I can, but what's the hurry?"

3. Two Ardeal guys (from the country side) traveling in a train compartment, with an African. They are staring at him and talk loud about him, until the African loses his patience and says: "Enough. I understand what you are saying. I'm from Ardeal too. My mother is from ...(insert Ardeal town)" "What? How come?" "Well, says the guy, once my mother went to the sea. One day she stumbled upon an big African. She was shocked seeing him and she ran back. He ran after her. And some time after I was born." "Oh", said the peasants.

And, after half an hour, one breaks the silence: "So, you didn't end your story: did the black man catch your mother?"

4. Some peasant go for the first time in the capital city, and there he see a traffic light. He ask someone what is that, and the man, amused, says: "The green light is for the smart ones to traverse the street, and the red light is for the stupids". The peasant stays and think: "well, I'm not too smart... but I'm not that stupid either.. What to do? What to do?" and finally he decides to cross the street. But, of course, when he is in the middle of the street, the traffic light changes from green to red. "Shit! The damn thing busted me" said the peasant.

Edited by zdr
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A guy runs into a childhood pal.

"Hey, long time no see, what are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman."

"Really!? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."

"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house so your kid can practice. The hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"So, did your son become a fireman?"

"No, but I have two daughters who are Exotic Dancers!

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Eve's Side of the story

After three weeks in The Garden of Eden God came to visit Eve.

'So how is everything going? inquired God.

It is all so beautiful, God, she replied.

The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking , the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,

but I have just one problem.

It's these breast you have given me.

The middle one pushes the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms,

catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.

There a real pain...

Eve went on to tell God that since many of her body parts came in pairs,

such as her limbs, eyes, ears ect.

she felt that having only two breast might leave her body more symmetrically balanced.

'That's a fair point ' God replied

But it was my first shot at this , you know.

I gave the animals six breast and figured you only needed half of those,

but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in The Garden Of Eden

'Well Eve How is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic she replied.''but for one oversight. You see all the animals are paired off.

The ewe has a ram,and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me.

'I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, you know Eve you are right.

How could I have over looked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man

from a part of you.

Let's see where did I put that useless tit?

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A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

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