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The Truth Behind Led Zeppelin


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LED ZEPPELIN

(Not written by me)

Zeppelin.jpg magnify-clip.pngThis was that blimp Led Zeppelin used to escape their first audience at their first concert, it didn't go over very well..."I'm never going back! You can't make me!"

~ Robert Plant on Led Zeppelin

Led Zeppelin (formerly known as Lead Zeppelin) was formed in1968 by three retired professional golfers, and is known to this day as the world's greatest blues cover band. They sing about love and lossand hobbits. They are also well known for their creation of citrus rock, which originates from their love of citrus fruits, hence the songs, Tangerine, The Lemon Song, and for some reason Going to California.They are also the first band to "sample" music.

Contents

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Lineup

Robert Plant a.k.a Rubber Plant was discovered as a frontman in his own apartment.When born Robert Plant actaully had a vagina and was born with bitchin' hair. When he killed his first wife at the age of - 952 months he decided to write the song "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You". But ironically she was the one leaving him. So he had a hot gay make out session with legendary Led Zeppelin drummer John "Hairy Shag" Bonham at -975 months. After having sex for 100 hours they decided to write the instrumental "Moby "Dick""in inspiration from the size of John Bonham's drum set. when he accidentally bit his tongue. As a result of this minor injury, Plant's distinct moans and groans (as heard in Babe I'm Gonna Leave You and Whole Lotta Love) came forth and attracted the neighbours. The neighbours eventually let the word out of Plant's so-called "sensual"voice and was finally introduced to guitar prodigy, Jimmy Page, as people noted that his voice and Page's guitar sounded pretty much the same. Robert Plant is actually a plant, as confirmed by the existing members of the band today. The National Enquirer's shocking rumours of Plant getting body

reconstruction surgery are unfortunately true.

180px-Potplant_monitor.jpg magnify-clip.pngRobert Plant's Plant who was born in 1782

Jimmy Page Jimmy Page is renowned for two reasons. 1) He plays guitars with violin bows and 2) He once played a guitar solo so heavy that his guitar became a black hole and sucked the rest of the universe into it. The superheavy ball exploded, which is what scientists call The Big Bang. Anyway, he has made lots of recordings and is a very good guitarist, but nobody really knows why. (They suspect it was Bob Dylan's fault.) Another notable achievement of Page's is sleeping with a record amount of 15 year old girls, the most famous of which being troubled goth chick Aleister Crowley (they later moved into Aleister's father's Boleskine House together).

John Paul Jones was in a much less successful band (the alphabeta's) for a few years,then joined The Lawn Chickens when he was discovered by Plant and Page who knew he had what it would take, especially because he asked to join and they needed a bass player quite a lot. He also played the mandolin (which he created by breeding a violin and 12-string guitar) infrequently, but only when he whined about it for a very long time.

"So there we were, me and Jimmy, on a nature walk, with me pointing out things like trees and shit, when all of a sudden we heard these amazing bass lines...Like poing poing, boing, diiiing,do-dooooing. We found Jones sitting on a tree stump and watched him cheerfully slap those strings into shape. Those lines were impossible. We let him in right there and then we did *a lot* of drugs" -Robert Plant

"Yeah they did have quite a few drugs" -John Paul Jones

John "Bonzo" Bonham was fueled only by alcohol, nothing else, nothing else.

Ian Duren One of the most amazing drummers ever to step foot in the city of Memphis, TN. He filled in for drummer John Bonham when he was too drunkto play or was too busy doing things with fish and women.

[Cameron Johnson] He was Zeppelin's male groupie who sucked their nobs and let them have their way with him all the time. Cameron's native town is Collierville, TN.

[Your Mom] Yeah, I was in Led Zeppelin. You didn't know. Ah, fuck, you were probably too high to remember anyways.

Cultural Iconism

Tumbleweed01.gifUntaxed diesel fuel.

Discography

Studio Albums

  • 1969: Led Zeppelin I
  • 1969: Led Zeppelin II
  • 180px-Pink-floyd-screaming-face-4900144.jpg

  • magnify-clip.pnga graphical representation of Robert Plant's solo career

1969: Led Zeppelin III180px-Pink-floyd-screaming-face-4900144.jpg

  • 1970: Led Zeppelin IV (prunes)
  • 1970: Led Zeppelin V
  • 1970: Led Zeppelin VI
  • 1971: Houses Of The Holy Shit We Actually Came Up With An Album Title This Time
  • 1972: Led Zeppelin VII
  • 1975: Mental Graffiti
  • 1976: The Song Remains the Same for Far, Far Longer Than Its Melody Can Support
  • 1976: Absence
  • 1977: Oooh Yeah...Oooh Yeah, Push...Push (Released under theLed Zeppelin moniker but dismissed by Page, Jones & Bonham as a Robert Plant solo album)
  • 1978: Baby Foot
  • 1979: The Song Remains the Same but Dazed and Confused is 40 minutes long so bollox
  • 1980: Where's Bonham gone?
  • 1982: Yoda
  • 1983: Textures in heaven
  • 1984: Bad Shrooms Talking
  • 1985: Led Zeppelin 0 ("One flew over the Yardbirds nest")
  • 1986: Fly Agaric Journeys
  • 1988: Outsider
  • 1998: Barfing into a whale
  • 1999: Zoom Zoom!
  • 2001: Too Much Paprika
  • 2002: How Da West Wuz l33t
  • 2007: Mothershit Landing
  • 222222222222222222222222: Led Zeppelin IV part II. (Or "Now you can finally figure out IV's name")
  • 2009: Shut the f**k up: Led Zeppelin's WORSTEST hits

Classic Singles

Babe I'm Gonna Leave You

"Babe, babe, baby baby baby babe, babe, baaabbeee, BABE I'm gonna...baby, oooohooohoooo, baby baby babe babe I'm gonna just gotta leave...baby... you just gotta know... babe."

And that's it. Contrary to popular belief, this song was about Robert Plant's love affair with that cute little talking pig from the'90s. They broke up in 2004 due to 'Robert not quite getting it inanymore.'

When the Levee Breaks

A song about No Orleans when the flood came. Led Zepplin managed to escape in there Zepplin just in time.

Travelling Riverside Blues

Biwwwbiw biwwbiw biw biw biwwww biw biwww biw ba ba bah biw bu baaoo

"Hey" biww bow biwww bawww "That's Right"

"Gasoline mamma, let me be your kid, you might get hurt if you don't keep it hid, I know my baby if I see her in the dark (Underground Railroad Reference)"

There is also something about going to Rosedale, and Squeezing Robert's lemon till the juice run down his leg. But that's about it.

The Lemon Song

160px-Citrus_farm.jpg magnify-clip.pngRobert Plant's juicy lemons on his citrus farm investment "Squeeeezzzeeeeee...my lemon. Until the juice runs down my leg. "

Contrary to popular belief, this one is actually about when Plant and Page co-invested in a citrus farm in Southern California.They got in a fight about the profit of this highly lucrative investment and started squirting lemons in each other's eyes, on each other's chests and and down each other's legs. The line that goes "I'm gonna leave my children down on this killin' floor... floor... floor...floor..." comes off as nonsensical at first, but make sense when onetakes into consideration Plant's incessant need to anthropomorphizein animate objects. He talked to rocks, shrubs and doorknobs. Plant hada special relationships with the lemons and when they fell off the trees, he was especially traumatized and couldn't tour for the betterpart of two months, which he spent rehabbing by listening to music hehad never heard before, including Howlin' Wolf. Finding a similarity between the Lemon song and Wolf's song Killing Floor, Plant came backand decided to rock so hard that no one would remember Howlin' Wolf andthe similarity (rip-off).

Stairway to Heaven(also known as: Hairway to Steven)

One hit was Stairway to Heaven,a song written by Rolf Harris concerning evil Satanic warlocks intenton brainwashing the world with backward messages containing exceedinglydodgy words such as 'toolshed' and '666' and even Brian McGregor. When played backwards, it actually sounds more like this: "Oooh a falh mashsflikker man cha satan satan hub julla jabulla satahn. Hashta satan radasatan oooh ot satan." Scientologists have said the best place to listen casually and understand their music was in a concrete block 40 milesfrom the stage.

Communism Breakdown

Contrary to popular belief, this fucking song concerns the first ever transatlantic telegraph cable, which was promoted by Cyrus Fieldand laid in 1858. Communication Breakdown tells of how the project was plagued with problems from the outset, and was in operation for only amonth, during which time Field was able to order up a pizza, but wascut off before he could give his address. Subsequent attempts in 1865and 1866 were more successful, leading to the never released song 'Can you Hear You Me Now? Can you Hear Me Now?'

The Immigrant Song (aka That One Song That Goes Like 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-aah! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-aah!)

The song is likeDin-din-din chikka din-din-din chikka din-din-din chikka din-din-din chikka AAAHH-Aahh! Aaahh!

The song was writen by Robert plant when he slammed his fingers in his car door. Contrary to popular belief, the lyrics concern aViking kitten crossing a small pond to get to the other side, but intellectual property considerations prevent him from ever arriving asdo the coast guard due to drug offences. This song was made to scare the birds that constantly flew in circles over Page's head trying to make a nest on his mop. Despite all this, it is consider the first Viking Metal song and the national anthem of Vikings everywhere.

A muslim version of this song has the word Allah in it instead of AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ah

Over the Hills and Far Away

Contrary to popular belief, this song is based on a Grimm's FairyTale, "Hay Lady". In this lesser known tale, a Lady who had a hay farm (hence, the start of the song: "Hay Lady"), realizes she has the "love"(namely, LOTS of hay) that the singer so desperately needs. In the tale (and the song) they walk through the hay field ("walk awhile with me") thinking about all the hay that has grown there over the years and howmuch they both love hay. This is strange coming from a band that wrotesuch thought-provoking and meaningful lyrics (see Lemon Song above), but, hey, no pun intended, you have to let your hair down every once in a while.

Moby Dick

"Boom-tash"

Originally this song was made as a filler during a concert when Robert Plant really had to use the restroom. Due to the popular reception of the audience, Led Zeppelin played it in nearly every concert after it was made, in order to give the rest of the band abreak. When the solo was played, Robert Plant usually left the stage to engage in the hugging of towels. Jimmy would play Uno and consumemonumental quantities of powdered sugar with Peter Grant, while JohnPaul held the band together. Meanwhile, John Bonham would beat the living shit out of that drum kit for about five days at a time.

Here is how the song goes: "Boom, boom da da boom, da da boom,da da da da boom boom, boom, boom, boom, boom BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM,KAKA BOOM, KAKA BOOM, BOOM CHICKA LAKA CHICKA LAKA CHIKA BOOM!SHAKALAKA BOOM! Interesting trivia about this song includes:

  • Mr. Bonham, as he liked to be called, played 75% of this song with his head.
  • The remaining 25% wasn't played at all
  • The song was recorded in a racquet ball court -- if you listen carefully (and especially if you listen backwards), you can hear theballs poinging against the walls.
  • Peter Gabriel called the drum solo "The only thing that can make me ejaculate, besides blurry photos of Moby."
  • Around 185 B.C., rumours spread oon how the song was named, the most popular being:

Plant and his band mates got the idea when they were in the bathroom, looking at each other's Moby Dicks.

D'yer Mak'er

This song is about a girl Robert Plant had a relationship with in Jamaica, which explains the reggae beat and guitar riff. If you pronounce it "Die-Err Maker," you're a n00b.The girl broke up with Plant, which resulted in Plant smoking lots ofpot and writing this song out of heartbroken fury. It is now a classic Zeppelin song.

CHORUS:

"My wife went on holidays to the Carribean."

"Jamaica?"

"Nah, she went of her own accord."

White Summer/Black Mountainside

Bluww blaw blewww ba da dai de dah dah da bow bow bie biedididy da bow biw

And it goes on like this for several hours, until John Bonham comes in on his Congo drums, but it's really wonderful.

Whole Lotta Love

The song is all about what Robert Plant thinks is love. He apparently thinks this: uh oh aaaa ah ah ah (pheeeeeew phjeeeeeeeeew)aha haa ah ah ah aaaaaaa loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

"I wanna give you every inch of my love, I wanna give you my love" - Actually about Plant's penis, which is 57 inches long.There were 3 gay kids: zot,snout and moffa and they sucked Roberts penis for years,when he played in nj.

Trivia:

  • The song got many people freaking and about 74,549 people were reported to have been admitted to mental asylums in Cliffornia [godknows where that is] alone. The complaints filed with the doctors was that the patients had howling fits, most of them repeating"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa-a. Aaaaaaaaaaa-a.uh oh aaaa ah ah ah (pheeeeeewphjeeeeeeeeew) aha haa ah ah ah aaaaaaa loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee".

Black Dog
The song that has absolutely nothing to do with a negro hound . . .at all. It said that John Paul Jones, whilst having sexual interplay with a band worshipper, commented on their private area, saying itlooked like a big "Black Dog." The guy was obviously flattered, but who wouldn't be? Harry Connick Jr would always give the band a 0 wheneverthey performed this song in concert.


No Quarter
That depressingly slow and melancholic tune with the keyboard. Madeby John Bonham one day when he couldn't find any more quarters for a gumball machine. Most depressing story I've ever heard since theyclosed the Chuck E. Cheese's near my house.

So, there you go.


Since I've Been Loving You
The critically-acclaimed documentary about Jimmy Page's 7 minute, 24second relationship with groupie Lori Maddox. As soon as the two met, Page exclaimed "I know a bit of fun! Lets have the road crew tie you upand throw you in the closet"! 3.5 seconds later, Lori exploded with enthusiasm (quite literally) and died. Interestingly enough, Page did not notice she had died until a full 7 minutes and 20.5 seconds, whenhe left her for Pamela Des Barres (formerly known as Kim Kardashian),thus ending the relationship.


Fun Facts
  • All of Led Zeppelin's lyrics are based off of a poem from one of three collections by Robert Plant: Variations on Sexual Innuendo, Referencing Middle Earth, and Martin Scorsese Presents The Blues: A Musical Journey.

  • Jimmy Page has a seemingly irrational phobia of being bitten bymudsharks on his private parts. He continually refuses to explain why.
  • Robert Plant loves babies as a mid-morning snack, which is whyhe sings about them in almost all of his songs. "Baby, baby, baby..."Indeed, Plant spends much of his time today getting babysitting jobsfor his neighbors. You can call his babysitting hotline at1-800-BAB-EEEE/1-800-BAB-UMON.

  • Led Zeppelin is a symbol of the Dyslexia Association; eachmember suffered from severe learning disorders, and no one had theheart to tell them that they had misspelled 'lead.'
  • Robert Plant cums lemon juice.

  • "Mr Mojo Risin" which is mentioned in no less than 23 Led Zeppelin songs is an anagram of "Muscular Dystrophy"
  • A full grown Jimmy Page weighs in at just under 60 lbs, though he wishes it were 52 lbs.

  • 'ZoSo' was once rumoured to be Polish for 'retarded baby duck' by everyone without teeth in Hull, which is all of them.
  • Alchemists had tried for years to turn Led Zeppelin into GoldZeppelin. Peter Grant and their record company finally got it right.

  • Despite the rumours Led Zeppelin was actually named in honourof Jimmy Page's maternal grandfather, Peter Russel-Clarke, who was thenavigator on the Hindenburg.
  • For three years Robert Plant was replaced by a tag team of a Russian Hooker and Yoko Ono. No one noticed.

  • Jimmy Page was born an Japanese Actor
  • John Bonham is alive. scientists found air in his body.

  • Although popular in most countries, Led Zeppelin never quite made it off the ground.
  • The artist formally known as Prince once fronted Led Zeppelin when Robert Plantcame down with a rare form of Hepatitis Z, contracted when they were ontheir East Asian tour back in 1980. Prince changed lyrics, danced andgyrated, totally passing himself off as Plant to those hard core Asian Zeppelin fans.

  • Plant and Page are the classic cases of "British Men Turn Into Their Mothers" disease.
  • Robert Plant's favorite flu remedy is Lemsip. He's always hadthis kind of flu, so thats why he sounds retarded when he talks andsings.

  • Although being considered one of the biggest, highest selling,most influential bands of all time, when you ask kids who watch MTV if"they listen to Led Zeppelin", in a clinical study, 9 out of 10 kidsanswered "oh, I don't listen to that guy" or "I don't know his musicvery well". (see Pink Floyd)
  • John Bonham actually died from saying "fuck" for two days straight.

  • John Paul Joneskept the band together, despite the rumors that it was heroin. JohnnyPaulie does not appreciate these rumors because he spent 20 yearsfeeding, walking and grooming the band. And not once did they win theEukanuba Dog show.

Edited by Conneyfogle
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I see you found the Uncyclopedia article on Led Zeppelin Conneyfogle.

http://uncyclopedia....ki/Led_Zeppelin

haha yeah, I think I may add a few alterations, the idea is good butsome of it get's a bit crude, and loses its comedic value. I've signed up so I can put my ownentry in if I can be bothered, it's too late to edit this one, I should have read it properly first, but i'm sure I can think of some more uncyclopedic entries to amuse myself with

Edited by Conneyfogle
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haha yeah, I think I may add a few alterations, the idea is good butsome of it get's a bit crude, and loses its comedic value. I've signed up so I can put my ownentry in if I can be bothered, it's too late to edit this one, I should have read it properly first, but i'm sure I can think of some more uncyclopedic entries to amuse myself with

yeah, uncyclopedia can be funny as hell sometimes, but too often the humor is crass and not very intelligent.

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