manderlyh Posted December 17, 2007 Author Share Posted December 17, 2007 Come on guys, post some more!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
59LesPaul Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Bullshit... A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree. Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted December 17, 2007 Author Share Posted December 17, 2007 Here's a funny one: Top 10 Thoughts for 2007 Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30? Number 2 In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: "Life is like a jar of jalapeños----------What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted December 17, 2007 Author Share Posted December 17, 2007 Here's a little riddle for you all..... You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? * Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. * Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Upset There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . You explain the3 kids." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaughterOfZeppelin Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 I love this thread. There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted December 21, 2007 Author Share Posted December 21, 2007 I've never heard that one before, Dani! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Roy the Rooster This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud." So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?" Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted December 22, 2007 Author Share Posted December 22, 2007 IF Santa Answered His Mail Honestly..... Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted December 22, 2007 Author Share Posted December 22, 2007 License Tells It All....too cute A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none o f your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex. ' Oh crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Fish Market A retarded girl walks into the fish market and mumbles to the owner. He says, “Can you repeat that? I can’t understand a word you’re saying.” She repeats it but he still does not understand her. Therefore, she reaches under her skirt and fingers herself then sticks her finger under his nose, which makes him yell “Holy mackerel!” She shakes her head and says, “Yeah, two please.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted January 2, 2008 Author Share Posted January 2, 2008 Eeeeew! That's gross! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Here's another gross but funny one. Sandpaper Sally 3 men went to a night club looking to pick up chicks. One of the guys saw the hottest chick he'd ever seen. "I'm gonna talk to her", he said. "NO NO NO" said the other 2 guys. "She'll mess you up real bad!" The guy went over and talked to her anyway. They talked for awhile and then went back to her apartment and started to get down to business. 2 minutes in he had to quit. "I can't take it any more! It's too rough," he said. "Alright," she said "I'll be back in a minute." A couple minutes later she returned and they started again, now it was really smooth and nice. "How did you fix that?" he asked. "I picked the scabs and let them puss." she replied! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted January 2, 2008 Author Share Posted January 2, 2008 MY LIVING WILL Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted January 2, 2008 Author Share Posted January 2, 2008 The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" "Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents." Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, "What a friend we have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 MY LIVING WILL Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch. Is she now on life support Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Whats three things you can't give to a black guy? A black eye A fat lip And a job Sorry if I offended anybody with this joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted January 2, 2008 Author Share Posted January 2, 2008 Is she now on life support It was something a friend emailed me. Not really something that happened to me--even though I have an (old) glass of wine next to me while I'm on the computer! I stopped drinking that wine about four hours ago. I should dump it out, eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 It was something a friend emailed me. Not really something that happened to me--even though I have an (old) glass of wine next to me while I'm on the computer! I stopped drinking that wine about four hours ago. I should dump it out, eh? down it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted January 2, 2008 Author Share Posted January 2, 2008 It's OLD! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 During Thanksgiving, little Johnny's parents were having friends and family over. While mom was in the kitchen, she accidentally cut herself while cutting the turkey and yelled "F*CK!" Little Johnny came rushing in and asked "Mommy, what does f*ck mean"? And embarrassed, she answered "It's just what I'm doing to the turkey, now go see what your fathers doing." So he did and went to the bathroom. Dad was shaving and accidentally cut himself and yelled "SH*T!" Little Johnny asked "Daddy, what does sh*t mean?" " It's what is on my face, now go answer the door" he said embarrassedly. So when little Johnny answered the door, one of the guest asked where his parents were. "Oh" he said. "Mommy's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and daddy's in the bathroom rubbing shit all over his face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 An old woman was in court because she stole a can of peaches. The judge said "since your crime is light, I will give you 5 days in jail, as there were 5 peaches in the can." The woman's husband said to the judge: "She also stole a can of peas." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 There is a new rock radio station 105.5 KUNT once a month they play ragtime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Idunn Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a deep and sharp Scottish accent from the crowd pierced the silence... "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZEPPALAN Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 some times when you cry.. nobody see your tears when your worried.. nobody sees the pain when your happy..nobody sees you smile BUT JUST TRY FARTING.... AND SEE THE ATTENTION YOU GET!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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