Old Scratch Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 There was a simple and little Hindu priest who lived in Mathura. Once he had the chance to go visit the Pope at the Vatican in Italy. After traveling to the Vatican, he walked up the steps and through the halls of the opulent building where the Pope stayed. He looked in awe at the beautiful marble floors and majestic columns. Then he came into the Pope’s office and he greeted the Pope who was seated behind his desk. The little Hindu priest sat nearby and they exchanged pleasantries. Then the Hindu priest noticed a red phone sitting at the end of the desk. So the Hindu priest asked what it was. “Oh, that’s my hotline to God,” replied the Pope. “Whenever things get too difficult and I need to have a personal talk with God, I give Him a call.” “Oh,” said the priest. “Would you mind if I tried it?” “No, not at all,” the Pope responded. So the little Hindu priest picked up the phone, dialed the number, and sure enough, he got through to God. So he offered his respects and prayers, said he was very happy to talk to Him, and then hung up the phone after only five minutes. He was a simple priest and did not have much more to say to God. He then thanked the Pope for the privilege of using the special red phone. The Pope replied, “Oh that is quite all right. By the way, that will be $75.” “Seventy-five dollars?” inquired the Hindu priest. “Oh yes,” said the Pope. “You know, long distance charges. It’s a long way from here to God, you know.” So the priest pulled out his wallet and gave the pope the seventy-five dollars. Several months later, the Pope had the opportunity to visit India, and it was arranged for him to come to Mathura and visit the little Hindu priest. So the Pope approached the little hut of the Hindu priest, ducking his head as he walked through the door. He sat in a chair in front of the little table where the Hindu priest was pleased to again meet the Pope. They exchanged greetings when the Pope noticed the same kind of red phone on the priest’s table as he had at the Vatican. So the Pope asked what that was. “Why, I also have a hotline to God,” replied the Hindu priest. “Do you mind if I use it?” asked the Pope. “I really have a lot on my mind.” “Please do,” responded the priest. So the Pope got on the phone and got a good connection and managed to get through to God. He offered his prayers, but then had many things to discuss. He talked about the trouble in the Vatican, the difficulties with the priests and legal charges in the United States, the changing attitudes of the congregation in England and Europe, and so on. Fifteen minutes went by, then a half-hour, then finally after nearly an hour he was able to put the phone down. Then he said, “Thank you very much. I feel a lot better now. I had so much to talk about. By the way, how much will that be?” The Hindu priest thought a moment and then said, “Two rupees.” “What,” the Pope replied, surprised at how inexpensive it was. “Why so cheap?” “Why don’t you know?” asked the little Hindu priest. “Here it is a local call.” ~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leddy Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Shakespeare walks into a pub !! Landlord turns around and said "oi Shakespeare your Bard" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madison Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 a few more Bono jokes (i'm a U2 fan but love these) *Edge and Bono crash in an airplane and go to heaven, where they see God sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Edge: "What do you believe in?" Edge replies, "I believe in the Gibson Explorer and that if we had made more U2 records, the world would have become a better place." God thinks for a second and says, "I can live with that. Come and sit at my right." God then addresses Bono: "What do you believe in?" Says Bono: "I believe you're in my chair!" --------------------------------------------- *Q. How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb? A. One; Bono holds the bulb and the Earth revolves around him. -------------------------------------------- *Q. What's the difference between Bono and God? A. God knows that He is not Bono. -------------------------------------------- non Bono jokes (oldies i think) Doctor: You need your tonsils out. Patient: I want a scond opinion. Doctor: Ok, you're ugly too. ------------------------------------- Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are doing a film about composers. Cruise says, "I'll be Mozart". Pitt says, "I'll be Handel"........ Scwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach" -------------------------------------- oh gotta have a blonde joke: A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chef free Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 This hunter guy was out in the woods and he saw a deer. He aimed his gun, fired and brought the deer down. He threw the deer over his shoulder and was walking out of the woods when he ran into none other than Mr. game warden. The game warden sez "Aha I caught you, you're busted for poaching". The guy sez "How's that?". The game warden sez "Well you've got a deer on your shoulder". And the guy sez "What deer-AAUGH GET OFF!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GioBrasil Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 A man received a letter from hospital: "The red spot in your penis was only lipstick, our apologises about amputation..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
59LesPaul Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly Jesus was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, Jesus said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than ever. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chef free Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Tell/read this with a southern accent: A guy was driving in the South and he got pulled over by the (cracker) sheriff. The sheriff walked up the car and said "Hey boy you got any ID?" And the guy says "'Bout what?" Get it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lzfan715 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 License Tells It All....too cute A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none o f your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex. ' Oh crap. That joke almost got me in trouble at school. The teacher was telling not appropriete jokes so I told this on and she told me she's better not hear me say it again. It's okay though, everyone else thought it was funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chef free Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Q: How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? A: She tried to read the waffle iron. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chien Noir Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 A Catholic priest, a Rabbi and an Indian shaman walk into the bar and the bartender says: "What is this, a joke?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word,she pauses,reflects and then says,"Well,then,let it read'Fred Brown died'." Confounded at the woman's thrift,the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again,counts on her fingers and replies,"In that case,'Fred Brown died:1983 Pick-up for sale'." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Bob was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary, yet again! His wife was going to kill him for sure. She told him as soon as he stepped through the door, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE, OR ELSE!!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box, gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Wednesday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Little Johnny is in high school health class and the teacher gives a homework assignment. “I want everybody to do a report on reproduction.” The next day the teacher calls on Sally and she answers, “On my way home yesterday I saw two dogs doing it.” The teacher says, “Good you get a C. Sue you’re next.” Sue says, “Last night I walk in my mother’s room and saw her and my dad doing it.” The teacher says, “You get a B. Johnny what’s your report.” “Last night I was watching The Lone Ranger and he was surrounded by five hundred Indians and he killed them all.” The teacher asked, “What does that have to do with reproduction?” He answers, “That will teach you not to fuck with The Lone Ranger.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?" "I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?" Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name. "Johnnie" he responds. "And what is your question, Johnnie?" "Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Sixth, what happened to Stanley ?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madison Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 good ones MOJO thanks for the laughs!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GioBrasil Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 A gynaecologists was in his office with his lover, so he heard his wife voyce,, and said to lover: "take off your clothes and and lies down in the bed, or my wife goes to kill me..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on,you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that,you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my guess." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GioBrasil Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 A male chauvinist said: - My wife has to drop on her knees To talk with me, and the last word is always mine! A drunk man listening it said: - I see, she drop on her knees and says: "leave the bed underneath", and you say: "just a minute..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 Okay ladies...this is just a joke... I repeat...this is JUST a joke.... (but it IS soo true!) (except I got through the ATM like a man!) MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ******************************* FEMALE PROCEDURE: Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!! 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on mobile phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres. 27. Release Parking Brake. SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GioBrasil Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 At honey moon the hubbie said to his wife: Well, now we are maried, so that's the rules: Monday I'll play poker with my friends Tuesday is bowling day Wednesday i'll watch NBA games with my friends Thursday I'll play tennis Friday i will drink beer with my mates Saturday is golf day Sunday is football/baseball day. The wife heard it and said. It's ok, but everyday I will fuck in this house, with or without husband... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE... What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong" What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE... What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan what do you call four mecicans in quicksand ? quatro cinco Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 CLICK HERE FOR A FULL-SIZE VIEW SO YOU CAN READ IT.... ^ LOL WTF? I got it in an email.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOJO Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 CLICK HERE FOR A FULL-SIZE VIEW SO YOU CAN READ IT.... ^ LOL WTF? I got it in an email.... lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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