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manderlyh

The Jokes Thread

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The boy was going to his girlfriend home, to met his new In laws. So he stoped in a drugstore and asked for condoms, and said to the pharmacist:

Give me 10 condoms, I'm going to my girlfriend home, so we'll get a good party there. Thinking better, give me 20 coz she has a very hot sister, and, ya know, we can get a better party. NO, stop it, give me 30 condoms, maybe her mother also wants stay in party too...

He went to his girlfriend home, got the dinner, and didn't say no word.

After dinner, The girlfriend said him: You didn't talk me you are so quiet...

And he:

And you didn't talk me your father is a pharmacist...

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A pantomime for paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos when someone from the audience shouted " HE'S BEHIND YOU" :blink:

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yo i got 2!

theres so many dogs in ur house you cant tell what ones your dad.

and your dad went to a ugly competition and they sed no proffesionals please!

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Here's a nice and dirty joke for everyone....my mom emailed it to me. :lol:

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his

pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One

box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

(you'll love this one...................)

'Cleanup, Register....5'

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Children's Books That Didn't Make It...

- You Are Different and That's Bad

- The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

- Dad's New Wife Robert

- Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

- The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

- The Little Sissy Who Snitched

- Some Kittens Can Fly.

- The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

- The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

- Strangers Have the Best Candy

- Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

- You Were an Accident

- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

- Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

- The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

- Your Nightmares Are Real

- Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

- Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

- Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

- Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

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The boy was going to his girlfriend home, to met his new In laws. So he stoped in a drugstore and asked for condoms, and said to the pharmacist:

Give me 10 condoms, I'm going to my girlfriend home, so we'll get a good party there. Thinking better, give me 20 coz she has a very hot sister, and, ya know, we can get a better party. NO, stop it, give me 30 condoms, maybe her mother also wants stay in party too...

He went to his girlfriend home, got the dinner, and didn't say no word.

After dinner, The girlfriend said him: You didn't talk me you are so quiet...

And he:

And you didn't talk me your father is a pharmacist...

:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:

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Here's a nice and dirty joke for everyone....my mom emailed it to me. :lol:

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his

pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One

box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

(you'll love this one...................)

'Cleanup, Register....5'

:lol: That brings back teenage memories :lol:

Edited by Dzldoc

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Here's one that could be offensive, but I'm not trying to be so---it's just funny:

Broke Back Mountain Lady

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper

for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a

drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one

else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours

every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday

night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. 'Now take off my panties'. Again he obeyed.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!

Edited by manderlyh

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The guys were all at deer camp.

They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'

He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested.'Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it!

They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed.

I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night !!!

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Do you know how is a relationship between a masochist and a sadist?

A masochist said:

- SPANK ME :'(

The sadist answer:

- I will not spank you <_<

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Children's Books That Didn't Make It...

- You Are Different and That's Bad

- The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

- Dad's New Wife Robert

- Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

- The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

- The Little Sissy Who Snitched

- Some Kittens Can Fly.

- The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

- The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

- Strangers Have the Best Candy

- Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

- You Were an Accident

- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

- Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

- The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

- Your Nightmares Are Real

- Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

- Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

- Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

- Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Haha I'm gonna have to stick that one on a myspace bulletin!

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GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't

prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney

called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were

a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you

cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their

backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you

never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know

you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he

pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense

attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he

was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He

can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the

worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three

different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach

the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if

she knows me, I'll send you to the electric

chair.

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A woman goes to her Human Resource Manager to file a compaint against a fellow employee, she tells him that the co-worker keeps telling her that her hair smells good, the manager tells her that that isn't a reason for sexual harassment, the woman tells hims, "yes, it is, the son a bitch is a midget"!

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A old woman was at court to be judge by murder, so the prosecutor asked her:

Did you murder that guy?

She answer, Yes.

The prosecutor asked again:

Why did you killed him?

and she:

_Well, I was seated in the square, when he came and said I was beautiful, and hot, and wonderful, and started to touch me, and talk somethings in my ears that i cannot talk in this court, the blood got all my body... so he asked me: "do you wanna make love with me?", when i said "yes" he cried out: APRIL FOOL... And so I shot all my bullets in that son of bitch

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Hitman

Did you hear about the Polish hitman?

They told him to blow up a car and he burnt lips on the tail pipe.

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A very badly humor man loose his tool, so he went in neighbor home for loan a tool...

In mid way, he thought, and thought, and thought, till knock on neighbor door, when the nighbor opened the door he said:

PUT THIS FUCKING TOOL IN YOUR ASSHOLE, I DON'T WANT MORE THIS SHIT

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Have a good day!!!!!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water

down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone

else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using

the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for

a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use

a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you

from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze

button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll

be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't

move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the

duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR

ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE

STAIRS!

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There is a man who walks into a bar with a suitcase. He sets down the suitcase, opens it up and pulls out a miniature Grand Piano and sets it on the bar. Then, he pulls out a little man, about as tall as a beer bottle on the bar, and he begins to play the piano.

The bartender is amazed at this little man playing the piano, and asks the man where he got him.

Without a word, the man pulls out an old oil can from the suitcase and grunts to the bartender to "rub it".

The bartender does as he is told, and this old, toothless, wrinkled genie comes out,

"Wat ch' want?" she groans.

"Ummmm... I wish for one million bucks!!!"

"Done!"

The bartender is so excited and he cant wait for him money, after about 15 minutes he begins to get anxious. Without a warning a duck walks into the bar. Followed by another... and another... and another... eventually, the bar is filled with the quacks of one million ducks.

Embarassed and outraged, the bartender grabs the man by the collar,

"What kinda stunt are you trying to pull?!? Where is my one million bucks!!!"

With a look of suprise, the man said,

"I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you she is hard of hearing. Why do you think I would have wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

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> Subject: FW: 80 year old lady

>

>

>

>

> The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because

she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

> The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt

like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's

occupation.

> 'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

> 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't

mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they

did for a living.

> She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those

years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered

proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in

her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a

preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

> The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had

married four men with such diverse careers.

> She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the

show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

*********

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What do american beer and making love in a canoe have in common?

.

.

.

It's f***ing close to water!

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OK crude one I know but no appoligies.......... What has the mafia and the 69 have in common ???.........Slip of the tongue and your in the Sh*t :unsure:

Edited by leddy

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Nice leddy, nice. heres an old one i put in the spiritual musings thread, but i found the orginal writing today so ill try it out here!

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy,able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.

3.And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!!!!

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