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Post your jokes here!

Here's the first:

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the

race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered

the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES

PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get

rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline

the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so

she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back

the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion

can bring you much grief and misery . .

even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier

and live longer!

*********************

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A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a

young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, ''Where did you get that turkey?''

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, ''That turkey you're carrying under your arm.''

The boy look down and said, ''Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted

under my arm!''

The game warden said, ''Now look, you know turkey season is

closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If

you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll

breakyour arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are

you gonna do with him?''

The little boy said, ''I guess I'll just kiss his ass..and let him go!''

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Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

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Post your jokes here!

Here's the first:

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the

race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered

the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES

PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get

rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline

the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so

she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back

the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion

can bring you much grief and misery . .

even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier

and live longer!

*********************

:lol::thumbsup:

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the

bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one

foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke

and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish, each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your

genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

---------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a rooftop bar and, before long, sees another guy take a little green pill, down his drink, and walk off the edge of the roof. Horrified, the man rushes to the edge only to see the pill popper swooping around in the air before landing back on the rooftop and getting himself another drink.

He approaches the man and says, "I would love do that, could you possibly sell me one of your green pills? I'll give you $500." The man tells him it's his last pill, and he can't get anymore. Sorry, won't sell. "Okay, $1000!" Still no luck. The man finally offers him $2000 and all his credit cards, and the man reluctantly agrees to part with his little green pill.

Ecstatic, the man takes the pill, washes it down with the last of his beer, and leaps off the rooftop to his death. The bartender shakes his head. "You're a mean drunk, Superman."

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A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it.

" The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog and the stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." .

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The doorbell rings at a whorehouse;and when the Madam answers,there's no one there,except a man with no arms or legs.

She says "What the hell do you want!?"

He says "I rang the bell,didn't I?"

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,

cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,

steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $0.38

Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender,"Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt Scotch,quick!!"

The bartender pours the shots,and the man drinks them down,one at a time, as fast as he can.

The bartender says,"Holy shit!!!I never saw anybody drink that fast!!"

The man says,"Well,you'd drink that fast too,if you had what I have."

The bartender says,"Oh my Lord,I'm so sorry,what is it;what do you have?"

"Fifty cents"

How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb??

none, emo kids prefer to cry in the dark!

More later.....

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Feel free to change the geographic region, profession, and teams:

Why don't they have driver's ed on Wednesday in the South?

Because, on Wednesday, they need the car for sex ed.

What happens when you give a tobacco executive Viagra?

He gets taller

On the night before the big University of Texas vs. University of Oklahoma football game, two Oklahoma fans, decked out in their fan regalia, walk into an Austin bar. They realize that everyone in the bar is staring at them.

After puzzled looks, one of the Oklahoma fans walks up to the bartender:

"C'mon. How do you really feel about us?"

The bartender gives him the finger.

The fan walks back to the table beaming and says to the other one:

"Guess what? We're number one!"

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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^^ On a similar "thread" (bada-bing!):

Three strings walk into a bar. The bartender throws them out, yelling "Can't you read the sign?! I don't serve strings."

The strings try again, and again the bartender kicks them out.

Finally, one of the strings gets the idea to mess himself up a little. He walks into the bar.

The bartender scowls, "What's wrong with you? Can't you read? I don't serve strings!" The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

I think that's a pretty old one, but I always like hearing it.

Edited by Footsteps of Dawn
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A man walks into a bar and says:

"bartender give me your better drink"

the bartender give him a very old, and expensive, whisky, so he drank half botle with just one time.

"Take easy", said the bartender:

If you have what i have you also drink so fast

full of compassion the bartender asked him:

what do you have?

he answered:

just 10 cents...

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^^ On a similar "thread" (bada-bing!):

Three strings walk into a bar. The bartender throws them out, yelling "Can't you read the sign?! I don't serve strings."

The strings try again, and again the bartender kicks them out.

Finally, one of the strings gets the idea to mess himself up a little. He walks into the bar.

The bartender scowls, "What's wrong with you? Can't you read? I don't serve strings!" The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

I think that's a pretty old one, but I always like hearing it.

I heard a longer version of that one at school yesterday. The school's Writing Center director told our class the joke. :lol:

Except the bartender shows the strings scissors, and they run out. :hysterical:

***

A bear walks into a bar.

the bartender says, "what can I get for you?

"I'd like a gin.........and tonic," the bear says.

The bartender gets his gin and tonic, and asks him, "what's with the pause?"

The bear waves his hands in the air and says, "I'm a bear!"

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BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming goes into the doctors' office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "I'm not gonna beat around the bush here. You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson, sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

The doctor says, "No, but it will give you a better understanding about what your ass is for."

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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my Goodness!"exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

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What women want

King Arthur, still unmarried, was beside himself. One question plagued him day and night. Finally he declared that he would not sit down to a feast or change his clothes until SOMEONE could tell him: WHAT DO WOMEN WANT???

He had completely twisted off.

The jester spoke up: "I know a witch up in the mountains--she's scary but she knows a lot and maybe she could tell you."

King Arthur immediately sent his fastest messenger up to the witch's place. She was fearsome and hideous, but the messenger told her the whole story and asked her if, indeed, she knew what women want, and would she please tell him so that peace could return to Camelot?

"Yes," she said. "I do know what women want. And I'll tell Arthur--when marries me. Go give him my terms."

When he heard the witch's offer Arthur yelled, "DONE! Deck the hall for a wedding ang bring her here NOW!"

Sir Gawain stepped forward: "No, Sire! Witches can be dangerous. Go back," he said to the messenger, "and offer her MY pledge instead of the king's."

The witch laughed and said to the messenger, "I'll take that deal. Tell them, the moment Gawain becomes my husband, I will tell Arthur what women want."

The next day the witch arrived at Camelot. The messenger blanched: he had told Gawain she was awful, but she was a hundred times worse than he remembered. Yet, Gawain took her hand, inquired after her health, and in every other way made her welcome. Privately, he despaired that he had made such a bargain, but, for his King, he must lay down his life.

The hall was ready and everyone was in attendance. Brave Sir Gawain said, "I do." And the witch was as good as her word; she turned to Arthur and told him:

"Women want to live their own lives."

And the ladies of the court all nodded.

But now it was time for the wedding feast, and the witch behaved even worse than she looked. She was rude to everybody, and her table manners were atrocious. Through it all, Gawain spoke to her courteously though she screeched and snarled, passed her dish after dish when she'd thrown her previous portions to the dogs, and refilled her cup when she sloshed it over. And when dinner was done he took her arm and helped her up the stairs to the wedding chamber.

Showing her in, he said he would give her a few moments to herself, and then return. She laughed. Alone in his quarters, he despaired again--how was he EVER to go through with it? But he had given his vow, and to that he must be true. Brave Sir Gawain strode back to the wedding chamber, knocked, and opened the door.

There stood the most beautiful woman he had ever beheld! Her face was exquisite, her body voluptuous, and her white gown very sheer. Where was the witch? The beautiful woman laughed at his confusion, but gently, and her laugh and her voice were warm and charming. She beckoned him in and he stepped forward in a daze.

"Sir Gawain," she said, "my precious stud-muffin, all day long you have treated me with the utmost courtesy and solicitude. In the face of, I admit, horrible provocation, you have been unfailingly gentle and good. So I will give you a choice: I will be as you see me now for half of every day: from dusk 'til dawn ... or from dawn 'til dusk. Choose."

Gawain blinked: dusk 'til dawn, and the most beautiful woman in the world in his bed; dawn 'til dusk, and this beautiful woman at his side. "Woman ..." thought Gawain, who had been paying attention; and he answered her:

"Lady, you must suit yourself."

She ran and threw her arms around him. "In that case, darling boy," said she, "I will be this way all the time."

Moral the first: women want to live their own lives.

Moral the second: treat her as what you would have her be.

Moral the third: old or young, haggy or beautiful--she's still a witch.

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Someone told me this one last month... it's all over the net too but here goes...

This farmer has five hundred hens but he has no rooster. So he goes to the neighbor and says "I will give you a hundred bucks if you sell me a rooster". The neighbor says, "I will give you Roy, he'll get all your hens pregnant. Roy is a real stud."

The farmer takes Roy home and on the way he says to the rooster, "Now its your first day, take it real slow, OK Roy?" The farmer then throws Roy into hen house. He hears all kinds of noises. Hens are yelling and crying. Roy nails every single one of them, and then the duck, and a goose down at the pond too.

The next morning the farmer goes out, and there lies Roy, dead with the buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says "Dang Roy! Why did you have to die?!?"

And Roy says "Be quiet, farmer! They're about to land!"

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little maggie asked her mother "mom do girls come apart?"

"thats a strange question, why do you ask?"

"cause i heard daddy say to the lady next door i'd like to screw your ass off."

a sailor walks into a bar and saw a sign: if you can make the donkey laugh you win $1,000

he ask the bartender the details

the bartender replies "we have a donkey in the backyard if you can say or do something with out touching him you win. but he is tough the contest is in its third year."

the sailor says "no problem"

he goes in the yard whispers in the donkey's ear and it laughs hysterically.

the sailor collects his money and leaves.

a year he is in port again and returns to the bar. there is another contest going on this time you have to make the donkey cry.

he goes in the yard a minute later the donkey is crying like a baby.

he goes inside to ccollect and the bartender ask him "i want to know how the hell did you make him laugh and how you made him cry?"

he replies " first i told him my dick is bigger then his and he laughed. this time i showed him."

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A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for

Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he

spells "T-O-Y-S".

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter,

"C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of

candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose,

"P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on

your finger!"

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