The Jokes Thread

[dragster]

A Blonde's N Y Review.......

www.coolquiz.net

[MOJO]

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. A nd just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[MOJO]

The Lonely Girl

Four in the morning and i am stuck in this trance, grabing the bed and loving your romance.

up and down me you go, im workin hard, I really know how to woe.

Now im numb and im fazing, closing my eyes, its so amazing.

In and out you go now, im amazed that I really have the know-how.

Closer and closer I get untill I pop, now remembering your just the handle of a mop.

[MOJO]

Two oldmen Bob and Earl were friend for fifty years and met at the park everyday to talk baseball. One day Earl asked Bob if there was baseball in heaven. They agreed which ever one dies first he will come back somehow and inform the other. A week later Bob passes and a day after the funeral Earl is sitting on the park bench when a pidgeon lands next to him and says "Earl its me Bob I'm here to tell you about baseball."

Earl gets real excited "Bob! its really you? So tell me is there baseball in heaven?"

Bob replies "Well I have good and bad news about baseball. The good is yes there is baseball in heaven the bad is you pitch tomorrow."

[MOJO]

Here, my friends, is a picture to answer the question we have all been hearing and asking about for many years!!

[madison]

Talking USMC Dog!

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy!"

[MOJO]

What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.

[Footsteps of Dawn]

I'm going to tell this badly, but oh well. The original's in an e-mail on the other computer, so too bad!

The town butcher had just made up some of the sausage that he was famous for in town, and the local taxidermist came in to get some. At the end of the month, the taxidermist discovered that he couldn't pay his bills, so he went to see the butcher so they could work something out. They agreed that if the taxidermist would make the butcher a beautiful stuffed sea bird, the butcher would consider the debt settled.

Well, you know how people in small towns like to gossip, so rumors were spreading all over the place about the outcome of the two men's plight. However, most of the townspeople seemed to agree that the butcher had taken a tern for the wurst!

[Z88]

Freking awesome

[madison]

this has sound fyi if at work or school

http://www.thefunnystuff.net/viewmovie.php...5962&id=676

[MOJO]

Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[MOJO]

Big Fight

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he just had a fight with his wife.

“Too bad,” says the bartender. “How’d it end?”

“Well,” replies the guy, “when it was over, the old lady came to me on her hands and knees.”

“What’d she say?” asks the bartender.

“She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you little chicken shit.’”

[MOJO]

[MOJO]

Big Trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

[Black Dawg]

You can rest you beer on those also.

[manderlyh]

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little

bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~aking a peeing

section in a swimming pool?

(My sentiments exactly)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one

enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. There are three religious truths:

A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian

faith.

C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at

Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from

Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale

bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~a person

who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~then doesn't it

follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys

deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners

depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot

more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for

their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little

spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What

are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their

pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while

they deliver the mail?

*~*~ *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

18 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are

the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't

zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21 If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out of her nose?

*~

24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the

two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?

[MOJO]

Hey Dad this is what Uncle Vinny does with Mommy when you go to work.

[MOJO]

Redneck Honeymoon

Ellie-May and Billy-Bob were on there Honeymoon at the Econo Lodge Elkins, West Virginia. Billy-Bob is lying on the bed waiting for his new bride to return from the bathroom.

She enters the bedroom and says, “Billy-Bob take it easy on me tonight I’m a virgin.”

Billy-Bob jumps out of bed putting his overalls on as he exits the hotel room. He runs the whole quarter mile home and burst through the door.

His Brother/Father says, “Billy –Bob what the hey are you doing here on your wedding night?”

“Ellie- May is a virgin,” reply’s Billy-Bob.

His Father says,” You did the right thing Billy-Bob, if she ain’t good’nough for her own family she sure ain’t good’nough for ours.”

[GioBrasil]

At honeymoon the man, said:

Now, i'll put it where no other man put before.

The woman, closing her nose said:

OH NO, IN MY NOSE NO, IN MY NOSE NO...

[~Bonnie~]

I apologize to my Alabaman friends in advance....

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?

[JulieLuvsRobert]

Just a little something to help put things in perspective......

This little animal really exists!

It's called a Naked Mole-Rat, from Africa.

So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember:

Going through life is hard enough, but to go through life looking like a d!ck with buck teeth must be really horrible!

[MOJO]

When you are having a bad day some one will still screw you.

[tyedye]

Pocket Teaser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his

lovely wife a pocket Teaser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a

little something "extra" for my wife.

I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized teaser The effects of

the teaser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse

affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two

triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was

disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a

metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity

darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie looking on intently

(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking

that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving

target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a

second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat But, if I

was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a

mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and teaser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed

to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second

burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish

out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting

the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with

two little bitty, itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO

possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst

from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I

touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER

OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up

in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, an! d

over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears

in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to

be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,

and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard

before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it

again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a teaser one note

of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst" , when you zap

yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from

your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second

burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and

surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the

fireplace. (How did they up get there???)

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face

felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88

lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for

their safe return.

[manderlyh]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copylate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how

to spell my name, I can still find my clothes"

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime

of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ev er hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,

'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."

[ledded1]

A man walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre so the barman gave him one.