Ask Solar!

[cabal200]

Solar,

I am suffering from ticket envy. The problem is that it is on multiple levels... First, and most importantly, no Zep tickets for to me cross the Atlantic and see the boys play. Secondly, I am not able to find tickets for when my LSU Tigers travel down I-10 to spank the Buckeyes on January 7th. I also have been unable to get tickets for the Foo Fighters to see everyone's second favorite drummer/guitarist/singer/comedian/Zep fan because I have a night meeting that same evening. Finally, I can't get any decent tickets for Van Halen when they come to Houston.

This condition of ticket envy is occupying my every waking moment... HELP! Oh, and it burns when I pee!

[solar]

Dear solar,

What to do with (every) monday's hangover?

'allo, Gio! Welcome to Ask Solar!

This question reminds me of a little poem mi madre used to read to me in the crib at night.

Monday's child is fair of face,

Tuesday's child is full of grace,

Wednesday's child is full of woe,

Thursday's child has far to go,

Friday's child is loving and giving,

Saturday's child works hard for its living,

But a child that's born on the Sabbath day

Is bonny and blythe, and good and gay.

Now, being a Tuesday baby myself, I think we all know that's the day when I make with the goodness. And since dear old mom was a Wednesday child, I'm sure she'd have a few things to say along the lines of, "GODDAMNIT SOLAR, LEAVE ME SOME OF THAT PORRIDGE!"

I digress.

Today being a Monday, logically you ask how I deal with the hangover. Well, I shall answer you with an updated version of said poem:

Monday's hangover is cured with Tylenol

Tuesday's fun is off the hook, y'all

Wednesday's bail is often spendy

Thursday's girl sure is bendy

Friday's bender is long and drunk

Saturday's bender is long and crunk

But the beer that's drank on the Sabbath day

Is frothy and cold, limitless and taste-ay!

Then I repeat the whole drunken mess of a week over again. It's almost like you've had a detective following me. I'll keep my eyes on you, gio!

Skeptically, but warmly, yours,

Solar!

(currently listening to Dancing Days, Essen '73)

Ask Solar! Here to answer all your pressing questions and solve all your complex problems! Who's next?

[solar]

Sorry, my asthma was acting up.

My question is will the Cubbies ever win the World Series?

Mooney! Great to hear from you!

This one's really a short and sweet one. No. Not in your lifetime. Or your children's.

They will, however, beat the Bears in Week 1 next year. Soundly.

Taking your breath away one answer at a time,

Solar!

(currently listening to Ten Years Gone, last night in LA '77)

[Mr. Da-Lo]

How did you learn the hardest lessons? and were did you learn it?

- Da-lo again

[Lady Goodman]

Hello, poster? Are you there? Do you have a question for Ask Solar!? Stop all that heavy breathing and ask away!

Uh ok ... This is a question inquiring Robettes want to know. Is it true that once a lefty, always a lefty?

[solar]

Solar,

I am suffering from ticket envy. The problem is that it is on multiple levels... First, and most importantly, no Zep tickets for to me cross the Atlantic and see the boys play. Secondly, I am not able to find tickets for when my LSU Tigers travel down I-10 to spank the Buckeyes on January 7th. I also have been unable to get tickets for the Foo Fighters to see everyone's second favorite drummer/guitarist/singer/comedian/Zep fan because I have a night meeting that same evening. Finally, I can't get any decent tickets for Van Halen when they come to Houston.

This condition of ticket envy is occupying my every waking moment... HELP! Oh, and it burns when I pee!

Thanks for reaching out to Ask Solar! Quite a conundrum you're in there, Cabal.

Well, seeing that you're an LSU fan, I'll assume you're down south. Yes? Ok. Problem solved.

Now I want you to take these instructions down carefully and follow them explicity:

* First, hop in your car/truck/SUV/motorcycle/scooter/Segeway. Or hop a Greyhound or the nearest rail car.

* Next, direct it north to Mississippi (assuming, of course, that you are in Louisiana or Texas).

* When you get cross the border, find a town called Rosedale. Check a map, ask a local.

* As you get just outside of Rosedale, there will be a crossroads. There, you will meet a man dressed in black or red. His name is Mr. Meph, and he's a ticket broker. He is a member of the Wu-Tang Clan on the side and sometimes travels with a sidekick by the name of Redman or Funk Doctor Spock.

* Sign any and all papers this man requests you sign. It might require a nominal downpayment/promisory note. Possibly a few bucks, your soul, first born, whatnot. No biggie -- you'll get those tickets to all three events pronto. A great show and a national title are worth that, just ask Nick Satan, er, Saban.

Oh, and that burning sensation when you pee? That's nothing. Rub some dirt on it, Gertrude, and act like a man! Or ask the Funk Doc to check you out. Those aren't the types of burning questions I was talking about, anyway.

Bon chance and get that checked out,

Solar!

(currently listening to Going to California, LA Forum '77)

Quick break here, but keep 'em coming peeps! Gotta run and grab a coffee to make it through the day, but I'll return in 15 minutes to yield all the answers for which you seek.

[solar]

How did you learn the hardest lessons? and were did you learn it?

- Da-lo again

Aaaaaaand....we're back.

A quick point of clarification for joelmon before I get back to Da-Lo. I believe I said my only superpowers are answering these questions. I forgot one, and this is the truth.

I have a legitimate sixth sense. It's the uncanny ability, wherever I may be, whether it be TV, terrestrial or satellite radio, to find any Zeppelin songs which are being played. Whilest going to get coffee, I got in my car and flipped the station once and got In The Evening, followed by Stairway. And that was just a quick jaunt around the corner to the store. It's really freaky but, if I'm to be blessed/cursed with a sixth sense, this is one I shall cherish and with which I will do only good.

As for my hardest lesson, Da-Low, I would say it was finding out that knowing is only half the battle. Lesson learned here is that the other half of the battle is split equally between bribery and deny, deny, deny! Learned it in Albuquerque "the hard way." That's all I can say on that subject legally.

Belle Isle represent!

Solar!

(currently listening to Bron-Y-Aur Stomp, LA '77)

You got some rest, now give me some mo-fo'in questions, fellow babies!

[cabal200]

As for my hardest lesson, Da-Low, I would say it was finding out that knowing is only half the battle.

Belle Isle represent!

Solar!

(currently listening to Bron-Y-Aur Stomp, LA '77)

You got some rest, now give me some mo-fo'in questions, fellow babies!

Did you learn that lesson from G.I. Joe??? I know I did!

"Now I know... and knowing is half the battle! Geeee IIIIIIIII Joooooeee!

[solar]

Uh ok ... This is a question inquiring Robettes want to know. Is it true that once a lefty, always a lefty?

Good day, m'lady! Thanks for stopping by Ask Solar!

I have heard all these rumors. Once a lefty, always a lefty. Once you go lefty, you never go back. The size of the left hand dictates the "size of the glove."

And I've got to tell you, it's all horsepucky. Pure rubbish.

Not only can you break away from the "left-handed curse" -- as my old world grandfather would put it, having to find special scissors/coffee mugs/seats at the dinner table where you aren't bumping elbows with the righties/normies of the world -- but you can also learn to ALTERNATE which hand you use.

I know what you're thinking. "Pishaw, Solar, that's crazy talk!"

But I know of what I speak. In fact, as I type this right now....I am using the mouse...WITH MY LEFT HAND!

Crazy, eh?

And let me get this straight, your name is Lady...Goodman? Wow, now I know all your secrets. Don't worry, I won't tell the Robettes.

Yours in faith and mercy,

Solar!

(currently listening to No Quarter, LA 5-31-73 -- Bonzo's Birthday!)

Bring 'em, and make 'em sing!

[solar]

Did you learn that lesson from G.I. Joe??? I know I did!

"Now I know... and knowing is half the battle! Geeee IIIIIIIII Joooooeee!

Common fallacy, cabal. I TAUGHT IT to G.I. Joe in the late '70s, but once again, The Man co-opted another idea of mine. That's why I came out with my series on NBC in the '80s, "The More You Know"

[Mr. Da-Lo]

How do remember to spell albequerque? Also did you see any animals on Belle Isle? MI Native?

And The Hard Lessons are playing there last show of the year on DEC. 26th in detroit @ St. Andrews Hall.

I hope to be there.

[solar]

How do remember to spell albequerque? Also did you see any animals on Belle Isle? MI Native?

And The Hard Lessons are playing there last show of the year on DEC. 26th in detroit @ St. Andrews Hall.

I hope to be there.

Point by point:

1. I have a penchant for places with peculiar spellings. For instance, Lake Titicaca. Saskatchewan. Albuquerque. Just like that.

2. I only go to Belle Isle when I'm rollin with Wes Chill and Bill Ritchie, who lives in Chicago and rides through town in an El Dorado. If you know this, you ARE Detroit. Besides, the true party animals like myself all prefer Boblo (R.I.P.).

3. Native, yes. Didn't stay for long. Returned. Left again. Returned. Left again. Returned. In holding pattern.

4. Out of town and/or working on the 26th. Still have to see Augie and the kids. Sometime soon, hopefully.

Word.

Solar!

(Currently listening to Black Dog, Southampton '73)

Time's getting short, but I've still got some time for some more in this session. As my girl Paula Abdul says, Rush Rush!

[solar]

<On hold for two hours to ask auntie solar>

I seek your infinite wisdom like a moth to a flame and in time hope you can answer my simple questions.

1:really two questions.

Does it bother you having been quite mislabeled a "yellow drawf" being a G V class star and do mighty stars such as Antares or Regulus engage in the disgusting pseudo-sport of 'YELLOW DWARF TOSSING"?

Worse than cow tipping.

YELLOW DWARF sounds like a NWOBHM band from 1981.

2. Since you drink hydrogen and piss helium is the frequency of your voice elevated?

Last One and let me ask you a hypodermical question.

3. Are you troubled by the fact that being a quite ordinary "star" that you cannot go SUPER NOVA?

Crappy reunion band

Given, in time you may go RED GIANT....theoretical hair band from 1987....what are your plans?

Bettertoburnoutthanfadeawayneutronstar-ism?

Oops thats 4!

Hola, Tequila! Welcome to Ask Solar! The fun rolls on!

Wow, you sure are a wordy one. I bet you were the smart kid in class that everyone hated, but the teachers loved even though your only stumbling block was math. I can empathize. And good for you for not conforming to those children's ideal. Two plus two does still equal four, even in the New Math, so keep those questions coming!

I believe here, however, you are confusing me with my celestrial namesake. For I am just a man. A man who will fight for your honor who'll be your hero that you've been dreaming of....but still just a man. Flesh and blood and protons and neutrons and electrons. And enormous penis.

Yet, in here there are two underlying questions that I think you're trying to get to:

* What's your stance on dwarfs?

* Would I ever consider becoming a hair band?

Well, to answer the first portion, my platform is that I believe every man, woman and child in this country should have a "little person" (not a dwarf -- poltical correctness, please!). But not to keep like a slave, but rather like a "my buddy" type program. There'd be strict rules enforced -- no tossing/stuffing into lockers/cleaning chimneys to name a few -- and you would be required to treat them as your equal. It's truly a win-win for everyone.

As to the second part, would I become a hair band? I suppose if I cloned myself, it could be possible. But I just don't see the world as being ready for my brand of metal. I envision it being somewhat like Gwar meeting John Williams' Boston Pops with a dash of early Ice Cube thrown in for good measure and "street cred." No usage of astronomical terms would be used. Instead, we would, in the honor of Prince, be called simply ~ (pronounced tilde). And we'd kick some major ass.

Now if I could only finish inventing that human cloning device I've been working on since '88.

Praise his name,

Solar!

(currently listening to Since I've Been Loving You, Southampton '73)

Who's got a question? Anyone? Anyone?

[manderlyh]

Dear Solar-

I work at a grocery store that allows me to wear Boise State University tee shirts on game days. Do you think it is wise of me to call my boss and ask if I could be allowed to wear my Led Zeppelin shirt on concert day?

Love

Manders

[KashmirDevi]

Long time supported back here with 2 questions that have haunted me since the early 70's....

Why was it that everyone on Gilligan's Islands had numerous changes of clothes with the exception of the Skipper, Gilligan and the Professor?

And....

Why on earth did the Howell's bring their loot and furs on a 3 hour tour off of Hawaii?

Signed,

hopelessinnewjersey

[solar]

Dear Solar-

I work at a grocery store that allows me to wear Boise State University tee shirts on game days. Do you think it is wise of me to call my boss and ask if I could be allowed to wear my Led Zeppelin shirt on concert day?

Love

Manders

Manders, welcome to Ask Solar! The love is much appreciated! It makes the world go 'round, I've heard!

I suppose the proper response to this is yes, most definitely call and ask. However, if he says no, tell him the shirt is actually the same color as the turf on the football field so, in essence, you're supporting two things at once!

Or tell him you're using the Zep shirt to draw in new customers who will be in town for the Humanitarian Bowl from Georgia and Fresno, both well known havens of Zeppelin fans.

If that fails, you can always wear it and take the risk. If things don't work out, you can come work for my firm. If I ever start one. Whenever that may be. Or not be. I'm sure I'll need someone to do something for what it is we may or may not do.

I'm sorry, I can't continue right now. Thinking about that blue turf makes me want to adjust the colors in my eyes. You're a stronger person than I for having to look at that stuff.

Dazed and confused,

Solar!

(currently listening to....nothing for a change!)

OK, I've got one left here to answer in this round before I start maneuvering toward the paying job. If someone wants to squeeze in a few questions for a rapidfire session, I'm game. Fire 'em up!

[solar]

Long time supported back here with 2 questions that have haunted me since the early 70's....

Why was it that everyone on Gilligan's Islands had numerous changes of clothes with the exception of the Skipper, Gilligan and the Professor?

And....

Why on earth did the Howell's bring their loot and furs on a 3 hour tour off of Hawaii?

Signed,

hopelessinnewjersey

Welcome back to the thread, hopelessinnewjersey/(Kashmir), we've missed you!

The Gilligan's Island debate is one that has puzzled scholars and pundits for ages. Clearly the idea that the Skipper, Gilligan and the Professor question is simple: It was a three hour tour. Yet the others carrying multiple changes of clothes does add a puzzling element.

I think what happened is this:

The whole of the show is based around the allegory of the haves and have-nots. Clearly the Howell's owned the island and Mary Ann was related. Ginger was an actress. It was all a planned tax exile that Thurston devised, hence all the clothes and riches there for them. He slipped a few bucks the Skipper's way while on the ship to steer into the storm and next thing you know, three hours turned into three years. The storm wrecked the ship, which was an added bonus so the others could claim their insurance policy when they returned to the mainland.

And what else does this show? Well, that the Howells also were co-owners of the original Harlem Globetrotters franchise. How else did a basketball team from New York end up on a deserted island?

And they would have got away with it...if it weren't for that meddling Scooby, Shaggy and Kashmir!

Land ho!

Solar!

(currently readying to get ready to prepare to go to work)

I'll check to see if there are any rapid-fires when I post.

[solar]

Looks like there's nothing for a rapidfire round. Thanks for joining us for this installment of Ask Solar! Feel free to leave a few questions, too, for me to answer later tonight when this resumes.

Hasta la vista, bitches! One love!

[ALEISTER CROWLEY]

Dearest Goddess of the Sun,

I'm so hot for her.

I'm so hot for her.

Lo! I'm so hot for her.

And, she's so goddamn cold!

Who would believe she was a beauty indeed?

A sweet sweet booty, but stone stone cold!

She's so cold -- like a tombstone.

I'm the burning bush,

I'm the burning fire.

I'm the bleeding volcano!

- Your "Little Sunshine," Al.

[solar]

Why thankie there auntie Solar and in the words of Luca Brazi, "I know you are a busy man Solar Corleone and with that I leave you"

BTW, I prefer verbose to wordy like my fifth grade teacher once accused me of being.

I was never bothered by classmates, I was the one taking their lunch money.

My only stumbling block was the assistant principle who wanted to paddle my smart ass when my math report for trig was my rip-off of Signs by Five Man Electrical Band. I went straight to the office over that.

Sine sine

Tangent Undefined

The slope of the secant line is breakin` my mind

Do this dont divide by zero

Cant you find the cosine.

<rolls and awaits news from O2

But if you find time can you ponder the greatest hypothetical question of all time?

Why does a dog lick his balls?

I'm back for a split moment to answer a few urgent questions before bed (as I got NO sleep last night/today doing this )

Well now, verbose it is then, Teq. I haven't a problem with that. If you like, I'll call you chatty cathy and spank you like your principal. For a nominal fee, of course.

And seriously, a dog licks his balls because he can. You don't think humans would do that on the regular if we could?

Tired and crabby,

Solar!

(currently listening to In My Time Of Dying, NYC '75)

[solar]

Dearest Goddess of the Sun,

I'm so hot for her.

I'm so hot for her.

Lo! I'm so hot for her.

And, she's so goddamn cold!

Who would believe she was a beauty indeed?

A sweet sweet booty, but stone stone cold!

She's so cold -- like a tombstone.

I'm the burning bush,

I'm the burning fire.

I'm the bleeding volcano!

- Your "Little Sunshine," Al.

Welcome to Ask Solar!

Al! Mr. Magick! Cmon, yo, I'm a dude. Far from a goddess.

I am, however, both a soothsayer and sage, a prophet and a prince. So I shall answer your questions to the best of my ability.

Al, I'm afraid to tell you, but you're attempting to seduce a corpse. Now, I know that some folks are into that. But there are laws, man. Make sure the next girl at least has a pulse and that her temperature is around 98.6 degrees farenheit.

Also, if you have all those problems with your bush and volcano, maybe you should read back and see the advice I gave cabal about the sensation when he peed.

I just hope you two aren't contracting this condition from one another, for your sake and the rest of ours'. I mean, not that there's anything WRONG with that. It's just, well, we kind of dig hygene over here and, like, that's not ... very ... cleanly.

Find a dog that likes to lick balls. May help with your problems.

OK Wednesday is the earliest I'll be able to do this again, but what do you say? I had a great time with this little experiment, you certainly enjoyed yourselves (I can tell by the sweet musky smell of sweat and your furrowed brow). So what do you say, be like a nun and make this your habit, fellow babies!

Quite tired,

Solar!

(currently listening to Achilles Last Stand, Frankfurt '80).

[FuzzyMerkin]

[solar]

Reminder: Wednesday is another day for Ask Solar! Get your questions ready.

[Hermit]

Dear solar,

love yer show, man.

I've been wonderin..

..are you gonna kick the ass of that DRUNKard copycat?

what's his deal anyway?.. can't he come up with his own schtick?

anyway..

keep up the good work.

I'l take your answer off the air.

[solar]

Dear solar,

love yer show, man.

I've been wonderin..

..are you gonna kick the ass of that DRUNKard copycat?

what's his deal anyway?.. can't he come up with his own schtick?

anyway..

keep up the good work.

I'l take your answer off the air.

Welcome to Wednesday's wonderful Webisode! Wthanks Wfor Wstarting Wthings Woff, wHermit. (How's THAT for balls-out alliteration to start your day? Even better than Beowulf!)

On to the question.

Hermes, what can I say? Styles are often duplicated, so I shall take it as a sign of the utmost respect from DRUNK. Some would say he's the David Coverdale to my Robert Plant. But not me. No, sir, I most certainly would not say that. I consider myself more of a Keith Olberman to his Bill O'Reilly -- a voice of reason vs. a voice in love with itself.

But, as he did request such on down the Web dial, I will give a little more about myself here to enlighten DRUNK some more.

I was born in a log cabin some time in the early 1820s near Big Stone Gap, Virginia. As a young man, I fought in the Civil War, but I abandoned my Southern roots for the Northern cause. At heart, you see, I am a Yankee who believes in equality for all men. Except idiots. And Protestants. And women.

Once my years of service under General Grant were complete, I took up odd jobs ... hired gunman, phlebotomist, innkeeper, locksmith. Then, I was a traveling minstrel in a Chester A. Arthur satire act. When that became unsatisfying and uncool, I took to the great roads of America as a Vaudvillian (for some reason, comedy about President Arthur didn't elicit a response from people by the early 20th century).

Once "the talkies" came into existence, I suffered through a rough patch during the Great Depression. I had part of my left pinkie finger amputated after a tragic traffic accident. Granted, I ran into a truck full of bootleg whiskey and the Mafiosos used a rusty switchblade to do hack off my digit. My $24,000 gambling tab probably didn't help with them, either.

By the mid-'40s, I recovered and began a fresh start in Arizona. There I met my one true love, Mildred Pesternoblish, and we had five children. I worked as a Christmas tree farmer for a while to make ends meet and had little success, for some reason or another, until I found my true calling: Penning this advice column.

That's right, I've been at this since 1954, helping everyone from President Ike to Issac Asimov to Hal Linden (TV's Barney Miller). I did take a few years off to serve on the National Beef Council's advisory board, but was seduced back to writing this when the missus left with the kids in '82.

And good riddence to them, I said. More time to help others and give my mistress more of "the business" if you know what I'm saying (and I know you do, Hermit).

So you see, I've seen my share of ups and downs. Good times and bad times, if you will. And I am still at it. Seasoned, informed, knowledgeable. Trustworthy, informative and entertaining. That's me.

As mentioned before, I won't say it. But I may just write it. I am Robert Plant, DRUNK is David Coverdale. Who'd you rather have answer your questions.

I thought so.

The Golden God of Advice Threads has spoken.

Ask Solar!