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How can I justify a lie?


joe (Liverpool)

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This may seem petty to some of you, but to me it has become a catastrophe...Let me explain, this morning I was just awaking from my slumber on the couch (where I have been sleeping for five years). Anyway an old card holder I used to use was on the floor.Please bear in mind this is about 4.00 am, anyway I just rummaged through it and found three £20. notes. I haven't used this wallet for at least two years.Thinking I could do some good I told my wife(who was in work) and my 13 year old daughter, that I had found two £20 notes and that I would give £20 to her mother and I would have £20 for myself. Feeling happy with the situation I went out and bought some groceries, (as many tins that you can shake a stick at).Anyway I spent the best part of £40 on items that we needed, I gave my wife a £20 note and explained that I had spent my share on groceries. This was all true, unfortunately, my daughter had already rummaged through the aforesaid wallet and called me a liar. She said that she had found the notes before I did, and that there was £60 not £40.How do I explain that I was doing good, I received nothing from the find, yet I am made to feel like a criminal. I understand that I will eat the essentials that I purchased, but to even consider that I was a liar and most of all dishonest, absolutely fucks me up. Did I do wrong? I spent the money I had found on my family, yet I am made to feel like a crook.My wife still has her £20....I have spent my share on shopping. My daughter says that I am a liar, I am at my wits end, how can I explain that I did it for the best. I could have kept it secret and spent it on myself (not my style at all). Now I just think that my wife and two daughters don't trust me, has anybody else experienced such a problem?

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Just tell the truth about how you did spend the 40 pounds that you spent, and also why you told them there was only 40 instead of 60.

What makes no sense to me is the fact that you told them there was 40 instead of 60..........what went on in your mind? I guess that is also the question that torments your daughter, so better just be straight. If you have no clue bout why, just tell her exactly that...........everybody makes mistakes, there are no perfect human beings.

Good luck!

Why on earth do you actually sleep on a sofa for 5 years, if I might ask, btw????

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Just tell the truth about how you did spend the 40 pounds that you spent, and also why you told them there was only 40 instead of 60.

What makes no sense to me is the fact that you told them there was 40 instead of 60..........what went on in your mind? I guess that is also the question that torments your daughter, so better just be straight. If you have no clue bout why, just tell her exactly that...........everybody makes mistakes, there are no perfect human beings.

Good luck!

Why on earth do you actually sleep on a sofa for 5 years, if I might ask, btw????

I suppose it was because I spent the all of the money (except for £20 on groceries) As for your your last question I am not welcome in the marital bed anymore, and no I haven't been unfaithful, my wife decided she didn't like me any more. Therefore I sleep downstairs on the couch. (By the way, the first 12 months are the worst). Still I have a friend in our labrador.

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So if I understand it, Joe, you spent twice as much as they thought you were spending.. on groceries, for ALL of you ( including lots of dog food , I hope : sounds like that labrador is very much your best friend! )... and you held back how much you'd actually spent .

I'm still not sure why: perhaps you wanted them all to have a warm glow when they saw the cupboards overflowing with food ? ( or if you'd split the money 50/50 with your wife, would she not have spent it on food? )

Perhaps if you did it to gain some kind of credit with your wife/daughters , then you did that in too subtle a way ... I would think if you've been in separate beds for 5 years then subtle gestures don't work so well ? ..?

The thing is I don't really understand your motive .. and presumably neither do your wife and daughters . However generous your motivation, if it comes across as weird then no one's going to see it as generous !

Joe, on the face of it you're the injured party and you should have spent at least some of it on a few beers , or another cushion for that sofa, but no one here can judge your situation or ever know its complexities, or your wife's version of events. If you're able to clear the air about the money, that should help: as reswati says, just be really upfront about how you came to the decision. Good luck

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So if I understand it, Joe, you spent twice as much as they thought you were spending.. on groceries, for ALL of you ( including lots of dog food , I hope : sounds like that labrador is very much your best friend! )... and you held back how much you'd actually spent .

I'm still not sure why: perhaps you wanted them all to have a warm glow when they saw the cupboards overflowing with food ? ( or if you'd split the money 50/50 with your wife, would she not have spent it on food? )

Perhaps if you did it to gain some kind of credit with your wife/daughters , then you did that in too subtle a way ... I would think if you've been in separate beds for 5 years then subtle gestures don't work so well ? ..?

The thing is I don't really understand your motive .. and presumably neither do your wife and daughters . However generous your motivation, if it comes across as weird then no one's going to see it as generous !

Joe, on the face of it you're the injured party and you should have spent at least some of it on a few beers , or another cushion for that sofa, but no one here can judge your situation or ever know its complexities, or your wife's version of events. If you're able to clear the air about the money, that should help: as reswati says, just be really upfront about how you came to the decision. Good luck

I appreciate your comments but unfortunately up until 5 years ago I had a drinking problem, which took me 4 years of counselling to get me over this, so I don't think buying alcohol would achieve anything. I spent the money on groceries, and my family still despises me. I am not looking for any kind of understanding here, I had a bad drink problem, and I have been over it for 5 years. It doesn't stop my family disliking me, as for TOM (our labrador) well if it wasn't for me he would get no exercise if he didn't take me for a walk every day. I don't claim to be the injured party.....far from it ,I brought it all on myself.

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Here in my household the dad's wishes is the "law" (I have a very good dad so it's all good)

Being the dad you are the head of the household and if you support the family then it was (in a way) your money. I think that your daughters could have overreacted by you spending the money a bit.

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Here's how I see it. You shouldn't have to justify anything to them. Your daughter had no business rummaging through a wallet that did not belong to her. Your wallet, your money that you can do what you see fit with. You chose to share with the wife, whom you don't seem to have any realationship with other than a room mate, and spent the majority on the family. That sounds more that generous to me. Everyone is entitled to a little mad money to themselves once in a while. They need to get over it.

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^ I think Joe has heard what he hoped for, and maybe a bit more. Does sound like an aweful lot of issues to try and straighten out, judging by comments in other threads. Maybe a haircut, and gentlemanly return to the bedroom would be a start, Joe?

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^ I think Joe has heard what he hoped for, and maybe a bit more. Does sound like an aweful lot of issues to try and straighten out, judging by comments in other threads. Maybe a haircut, and gentlemanly return to the bedroom would be a start, Joe?

I'd have a job my wife has made it perfectly clear what she and my daughters think of me, I can live with it. If I get an interview from any of the job applications, I will get my hair cut, if not there's no need, it's always clean and brushed.

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^ I drink heavily and almost daily, but not anytime close to working or driving. No one I know ever says anything or tries to change that - presumably because I strive to always do the things that I know they appreciate, or need me for. I don't try to be perfect, but make things as perfect for others, as within my means. Your posts indicate you want things to be better than just livable, Joe.

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^ In my experience, however hard you try to please others, they will always demand MORE. So now I generally just don't try anymore - but when I do, it's a pleasant surprise for them. Economy of effort.

As for 'sofa exile', I often absent myself from the boudoir for several nights at a time, if I feel I need to make a point. But my wife always begs me to come back, which I eventually do - and the sex is marvellous.

Treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen.

Some couples seem to be generally O.K., even though they constantly fight, belittle each other, or one has dominance over the other. Then you hear of others that suddenly split - despite the life they portrayed being almost sickenly sweet toward each other, all the time. It's rather hard to figure it all out.

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^ He believes that he dropped it on the floor, or it fell out of the couch. His daughter could have dropped it, or possibly planted it there. Maybe his wife was involved? None of this is worth him agitating things, by pursuing these details - given this is a family trying to live together. My common sense leans toward resolving the bigger problems step by step. I'm really rooting for Joe's character, to understand what are the real issues his family is having - and believe that's why he started this topic.

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Well Joe, here is my question to you. Why did you say you had found two notes when you had actually found three?

Yes, you did "good" with the extra money, but why say the lie in the first place?

As for all the other stuff, I certainly don't know enough about you and your situation to offer any comment other than this... congratulations on five years sober.

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I haven't been 5 years sober. I still drink but I used to imbibe 500 units of alcohol per week, now I am down to approximately 14 units. I just don't touch spirits any more, and I haven't been drunk for a long time. The reason I said that I had only found two notes is because I didn't want my wife to think that I would keep two notes and only give her one of them......it's clear to me anyway.The £40 I had was spent on food , I don't know what my wife did with her £20. I still feel bad about it though, even though I didn't spend the money on myself.

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If you have to come to a Led Zeppelin discussion board for advice on your life you have bigger problems than a nosy, disrespectful kid, and a lie over £20.

This is the "Ramble On" section and as such Joe has the right to post whatever he likes. Maybe he feels the camaraderie here is comforting and an open discussion benefits him.

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