The Monty Python Thread

[Evster2012]

I know what you mean. It was days before I realised Songbird was my dear LLM!

Guess I should put some Python in here!

Dennis Moore indeed!!

"Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week...or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week...At least...I mean...I reckon I could hit that tree over there. Er...the one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the...you see the three trees over there? Well, the one furthest away on the right..."

[lzfan715]

. that's funny. Which one is that from?

[Evster2012]

The Ballad of Dennis Moore

England, 1747

(Sounds of a coach and horses, galloping)

Dennis Moore (Cleese):

Stand and deliver!

Coachman (Chapman):

Not on your life (SHOT) ... aagh!

(Girl screams)

Dennis Moore:

Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week...or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week...At least...I mean...I reckon I could hit that tree over there. Er...the one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the...you see the three trees over there? Well, the one furthest away on the right...

Squire (Jones):

What, that tree there?

Dennis Moore:

Which one?

Squire:

The big beech with the sort of bare branch coming out of the top left.

Dennis Moore:

No, no, no, not that one.

Girl:

No, no, he means the one over there. Look, you see that one there.

Squire:

Yes.

Girl:

Well now, go two along to the right.

Coachman:

Just near that little bush.

Girl:

Well, it's the one just behind it.

Squire:

Ah! The elm.

Dennis Moore:

No, that's not an elm. An elm's got sort of great clumps for leaves like that. That's either a beech, a hornbeam, or, ah ...

Parson (Idle):

A larch?

Girl:

No, no.

Dennis Moore:

No, that was another series. No, what's the... the one like that with the leaves that are sort of regularly veined and the veins go right out with sort of um...

Girl:

Serrated?

Dennis Moore:

Serrated edges.

Parson:

A willow!

Dennis Moore:

Yes.

Parson:

That's nothing like a willow.

Dennis Moore:

Well it doesn't matter, anyway. I can hit it seven times out of ten, that's the point.

Parson:

Never a willow.

Dennis Moore:

Shut up! It's a hold-up, not a Botany lesson. Now, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got.

Squire:

Lupins?

Dennis Moore:

Yes, lupins. Come on, come on.

Idle:

What do you mean, lupins?

Dennis Moore:

Don't try to play for time.

Idle:

I'm not, but... the "flower" lupin?

Dennis Moore:

Yes, that's right.

Squire:

Well we haven't got any lupins.

Girl:

Honestly.

Dennis Moore:

Look, my friends. I happen to know that this is the Lupin Express.

Squire:

Damn!

Girl:

Oh, here you are.

Dennis Moore:

In a bunch, in a bunch!

Squire:

Sorry.

Dennis Moore:

Come on, Concorde! (Gallops off)

Chorus (sings):

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore,

galloping through the sward,

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore,

and his horse Concorde.

He steals from the rich,

he gives to the poor,

Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr Moore.

Dennis Moore Rides Again

(Fade up on a picture of Queen Victoria)

Voice Over:

Just starting on BBC 1 now, "Victoria Regina" the inspiring tale of the simple crofter's daughter who worked her way up to become Queen of England and Empress of the Greatest Empire television has ever seen. On BBC 2 now Episode 3 of "George I" the new 116 part serial about the famous English King who hasn't been done yet. On ITV now the (sound of a punch) Ugh!

(Music starts. Picture of Royal crest.)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: "GEORGE I"

(The word "Charles" below the crest has been crossed out and "George I" written above it.)

CAPTION: "EPISODE 3 - THE GATHERING STORM"

(This looks very dog-cared and thumb-printed. Cut to studio set of an eighteenth-century ballroom. Some dancing is going on. A fop is talking to two ladies in the usual phony mouthing manner. They laugh meaninglessly.)

Grantley:

Ah! 'Tis my lord of Buckingham. Pray welcome, Your Grace.

Buckingham:

Thank you, Grantley.

Grantley:

Ladies, may I introduce to you the man who prophesied that a German monarch would soon embroil this country in continental affairs.

First Lady:

Oh, how so, my lord?

Buckingham:

Madam, you will recall that prior to his accession our gracious sovereign George had become involved in the long standing Northern War, through his claims to Bremen and Verdun. These duchies would provide an outlet to the sea of the utmost value to Hanover. The Treaty of Westphalia has assigned them to Sweden.

Grantley:

In 1648.

Buckingham:

Exactly.

Grantley:

Meanwhile Frederick William of Denmark, taking advantage of the absence of Charles XII, seized them; 1712.

Second Lady:

Oh yes!

First Lady:

It all falls into place. More wine?

Grantley:

Oh, thank you.

Buckingham:

However, just prior to his accession, George had made an alliance with Frederick William of Prussia, on the grounds of party feeling.

Grantley:

While Frederick William had married George's only daughter.

First Lady:

I remember the wedding.

Buckingham:

But chiefly through concern at the concerted action against

Charles XII...

(There is a crash as Moore swings through the window on a rope. Everyone gasps and screams. He lands spectacularly.)

Dennis Moore:

Stand and deliver.

All:

Dennis Moore!

Dennis Moore:

The same. And now my lords, my ladies... your lupins, please.

(General bewilderment and consternation.)

Buckingham:

Our what?

Dennis Moore:

Oh, come come, don't play games with me my Lord of Buckingham.

Buckingham:

What can you mean?

Dennis Moore:

(putting pistol to his head)

Your life or your lupins, my lord.

(Buckingham and the rest of the gathering now produce lupins which they have secreted about their several persons. They offer them to Moore.)

Dennis Moore:

In a bunch, in a bunch.

(they arrange them in a bunch)

Thank you my friends, and now a good evening to you all.

(He grabs the rope, is hauled into air and disappears out of the window. There is a bump, a whinny and the sound of galloping hooves. The guests rush to the window to watch him disappear.)

Grantley:

He seeks them here... he seeks them there...

he seeks those lupins everywhere.

The murdering blackguard! He's taken all our lupins.

First Lady:

(produring one from her garter) Not quite.

(Gasps of delight.)

Buckingham:

Oh you tricked him!

Man:

We still have one! (they all cheer)

(Cut to a similar montage as before of Moore galloping through forest, clearings and tiny villages. Song as follows.)

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore,

Riding through the night.

Soon every lupin in the land

Will be in his mighty hand

He steals them from the rich

And gives them to the poor

Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr Moore.

(Towards the end of this he arrives at the same peasant's cottage as before, dismounts and runs to the cottage door. He pauses. From inside the cottage we hear quiet moaning. Cut to inside the cottage. In this rude hut, lit by a single candle, the female peasant lies apparently dying on a bunk. Lupins are everywhere, in the fire, on the bed, a large pile of them forms a pillow. The female peasant is moaning and the male peasant is kneeling beside her offering her a lupin. Moore enters slowly.)

Male Peasant:

(dressed largely in a lupin suit)

Try and eat some, my dear. It'll give you strength.

(Dennis Moore reverently approaches the bed;

the male peasant looks round and sees him)

Oh Mr Moore, Mr Moore, she's going fast.

Dennis Moore:

Don't worry, I've... I've brought you something.

Male Peasant: Medicine at last?

Dennis Moore:

No.

Male Peasant:

Food?

Dennis Moore:

No.

Male Peasant:

Some blankets perhaps... clothes... wood for the fire...

Dennis Moore:

No. Lupins!

Male Peasant:

(exploding) Oh Christ!

Dennis Moore:

(astonished) I thought you liked them.

Male Peasant:

I'm sick to bloody death of them.

Female Peasant:

So am I.

Male Peasant:

She's bloody dying and all you bring us is lupins. All we've eaten mate for the last four bleeding weeks is lupin soup, roast lupin, steamed lupin, braised lupin in lupin sauce, lupin in the basket with sauted lupins, lupin meringue pie, lupin sorbet... we sit on lupins, we sleep in lupins, we feed the cat on lupins, we burn lupins, we even wear the bloody things!

Dennis Moore:

Looks very smart.

Male Peasant:

Oh shut up! We're sick to death with the stench of them. (sound of a miaow and then a bump) Look. The cat's just choked itself to death on them. (we see a dead cat with lupins coming out of its mouth) I don't care if I never see another lupin till the day I die! Why don't you go out and steal something useful!

Dennis Moore:

Like what?

Male Peasant:

Like gold and silver and clothes and wood and jewels and...

Dennis Moore:

Hang on, I'll get a piece of paper.

(Cut to a montage of shots of Moore riding away from the hut over which we hear the song.)

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore,

Dumdum alum the night.

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore,

Dun de dun dum plight.

He steals dumdum dun

And dumdum dum dee

Dennis dun, Dennis dee, dum dum dum.

(Cut back to the ballroom to find the same people discussing British history.)

Buckingham:

This, coupled with the presence of Peter and his Prussians at Mecklenburg and Charles and his Swedes in Pomerania, made George and Stanhope eager to come to terms with France.

Grantley:

Meanwhile, a breach had now opened with...

(Moore swings in as before.)

Grantley:

Oh no, not again.

Buckingham:

Come on.

Dennis Moore:

Stand and deliver again! Your money, your jewellery, your... hang on.

(he takes out a list)

Your clothes, your snuff, your ornaments, your glasswear, your pussy cats...

Buckingham:

(aside to the first lady) Don't say anything about the lupins...

Dennis Moore:

Your watches, your lace, your spittoons...

(Cut to a montage pretty much as before but with Moore riding through the glades dragging behind him a really enormous bag marked with "swag" in very olde English lettering. This bag is about twenty feet long and bumps along the ground behind the home with the appropriate sound effects to make it sound full of valuable jewels, gold, silver, etc. Song as follows.)

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore,

Riding through the woods.

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

With a bag of things.

He gives to the poor and he takes from the rich

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore.

(As he arrives at the poor peasant's cottage they run out. They all open the bag together to the peasants enormous and unmeasurate joy.)

Moore:

Here we are.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION:

"THE END"

More Dennis Moore...

Oh, once upon a time... there lived in Wiltshire a young Chap called Dennis Moore. Now Dennis was a highwayman by profession...

(we see Dennis Moore riding along with a big bag of swag)

...and for several months he had been stealing from the rich to give to the poor. One day...

(Mix through to a shot of Dennis Moore arriving with another bag of goodies. The peasants who greet him are by now very smartly dressed and the cottage has been refurbished.)

Dennis Moore:

Here we are again, Mr Jenkins.

(Dennis leaves the bag and wheels his horse around)

There we are... I'll be back.

(he rides off again purposefuly)

(Cut to ballroom, in fact it is the same one featured in "Dennis Moore Rides Again". The walls are bare and the people are down to their undergarments. They sit around the table gnawing pieces of bread and dipping them in a watery soup. The central bowl of soup contains a lupin.)

Buckingham:

Meanwhile Frederick William bushy engaged in defending against the three great powers the province of Silesia...

Grantley:

...which he had seized in the War of the Austrian succession against his word.

First Lady:

Yes, I remember.

Man:

...was now dependent on Pitt's subsidies.

(Moore swings in through the window. They all respond to him with listless moans of disappointment.)

Dennis Moore:

My lords, my ladies, on your feet, please.

(he is ignored and therefore says commandingly)

I must ask you to do exactly as I say or I shall be forced to shoot you right between the eyes.

(they stand up hurriedly)

Well not right between the eyes, I mean when I say between the eyes, obviously I don't have to be that accurate, I mean, if I hit you in that sort of area, like that, obviously, that's all right for me, I mean, I don't have to try and sort of hit a point bisecting a line drawn between your pupils or anything like that. I mean, from my point of view, it's perfectly satisfactory...

First Lady:

What do you want? Why are you here?

Dennis Moore:

Why are any of us here? I mean, when you get down to it, it's all so meaningless, isn't it? I mean what do any of us want...

Buckingham:

No, no, what do you want now?

Dennis Moore:

Oh I see, oh just the usual things, a little place of my own, the right girl...

Grantley:

No, no, no! What do you want from us?

Dennis Moore:

Oh sorry. Your gold, your silver, your jewellery.

Buckingham:

You've taken it all.

First Lady:

This is all we've got left.

Dennis Moore:

That's nice. I'll have them. Come on. (he takes all the spoons)

Buckingham:

You'd better take the bloody lupin too.

Dennis Moore:

Thank you very much, I've gone through that stage.

(he grabs the rope and swings out again)

(Short montage of Dennis riding

accompanied by the song.)

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Etcetera, etcetera...

(He leaps off his home and runs to the door of the hut, throws the door open and enters. The little hut is now stuffed with all possible signs of wealth and all imaginable treasures.)

Male Peasant:

What you got for us today then.

Dennis Moore:

Well I've managed to find you four very nice

silver spoons Mr Jenkins.

Male Peasant:

(snatching them rudely.)

Who do you think you are giving us poor this rubbish?

Female Peasant:

Bloody silver. Won't have it in the house.

(throws it away)

And those candlesticks you got us last week were only sixteen carat.

Male Peasant:

Yes, why don't you go out and steal something nice like some Venetian silver.

Female Peasant:

Or a Velasquez for the outside loo.

Dennis Moore:

Oh all right. (turns purposefully)

(Usual montage of Dennis Moore riding plus song.)

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Riding through the land

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Without a merry band

He steals from the poor.

And gives to the rich

Stupid bitch.

(Dennis Moore reins to sudden halt and looks over to camera.)

Dennis Moore:

What did you sing?

Singers:

(speaking)

We sang... he steals from the poor and gives to the rich.

Dennis Moore:

Wait a tic... blimey, this redistribution of wealth is trickier than I thought.

[Ady]

Anyone for Hide & Seek?: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jQo4XBI4CE

[Ady]

Here's that Dennis Moore sketch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAs2m7Hr3Bc

[lzfan715]

If I sound dumb forgive me but what exactly is a lupin?

[Mattmc1973]

I posted this on the old board, but this is my favorite scene, just brilliantly sharp dialogue...

Arthur: Old woman!

Dennis: MAN!

Arthur: Old man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

Dennis: I'm 37.

Arthur: What?

Dennis: I'm 37, I'm not old!

Arthur: Well, I can't just call you "man".

Dennis: You could say "Dennis".

Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.

Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?

Arthur: I did say I'm sorry about the "old woman" thing, but from behind you looked...

Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treatin' me like an inferior.

Arthur: Well, I am king.

Dennis: Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, then? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress-

Dennis' Mother: Dennis, there's some lovely filth burning- [notices Arthur] Ooh! How d'ye do?

Arthur: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose castle is that?

Dennis' Mother: King of the who?

Arthur: The Britons.

Dennis' Mother: Who are the Britons?

Arthur: Well, we all are, we are all Britons and I am your king.

Dennis' Mother: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Dennis: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...

Dennis' Mother: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again!

Dennis: But that's what it's all about! If only people would realise...

Arthur: Please, please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

Dennis' Mother: No one lives there.

Arthur: Then who is your lord?

Dennis' Mother: We don't have a lord.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dennis: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as sort-of-executive officer for the week...

Arthur: Yes.

Dennis: ... But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting...

Arthur: Yes, I see.

Dennis:... by a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs...

Arthur: [getting bored] Be quiet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

Dennis' Mother: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?

Arthur: I am your king!

Dennis' Mother: Well I didn't vote for you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake,... [Angel chorus begins singing in background] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [Angel chorus ends] That is why I am your king!

Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

Arthur: Be QUIET!

Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Arthur: SHUT UP!

Dennis: If I went 'round saying I was an emperor, just because some moistend bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

Arthur: Shut up; will you SHUT UP?! [Grabs Dennis and shakes him]

Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!

Arthur: Shut up!

Dennis: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!

Arthur: BLOODY PEASANT!!

Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

[eskimoblueday]

My all time favorite:

Colonel: get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major!

Sergeant: (Shouting throughout) Right sir! Good evening, class.

All: (mumbling) Good evening.

Sergeant: Where's all the others, then?

All: They're not here.

Sergeant: I can see that. What's the matter with them?

All: Dunno.

1st Man: Perhaps they've got 'flu.

Sergeant: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

(Grumbles from all)

2nd Man: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.

Sergeant: What do you mean?

3rd Man: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.

Sergeant: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

2nd Man: Can't we do something else?

3rd Man: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Sergeant: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...

All: We done the passion fruit.

Sergeant: What?

1st Man: We done the passion fruit.

2nd Man: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...

3rd Man: Whole and segments.

2nd Man: Pomegranates, greengages...

1st Man: Grapes, passion fruit...

2nd Man: Lemons...

3rd Man: Plums...

1st Man: Mangoes in syrup...

Sergeant: How about cherries?

All: We did them.

Sergeant: Red *and* black?

All: Yes!

Sergeant: All right, bananas.

(All sigh.)

Sergeant: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.

2nd Man: Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sergeant: Shut up.

4th Man: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Sergeant: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.

1st Man: 'Arrison.

Sergeant: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

1st Man: Aaagh! (dies.)

Sergeant: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)

2nd Man: You shot him!

3rd Man: He's dead!

4th Man: He's completely dead!

Sergeant: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.

2nd Man: You shot him. You shot him dead.

Sergeant: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

3rd Man: But you told him to.

Sergeant: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.

4th Man: And pointed sticks.

Sergeant: Shut up.

2nd Man: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?

Sergeant: Run for it.

3rd Man: You could stand and scream for help.

Sergeant: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.

3rd Man: A pineapple?

Sergeant: Where? Where?

3rd Man: No I just said: a pineapple.

Sergeant: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.

3rd Man: What, on the pineapple?

Sergeant: Where? Where?

3rd Man: No, I was just repeating it.

Sergeant: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Tin Peach.

3rd Man: Thompson.

Sergeant: Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.

3rd Man: No.

Sergeant: Why not?

3rd Man: You'll shoot me.

Sergeant: I won't.

3rd Man: You shot Mr. Harrison.

Sergeant: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.

4th Man: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.

Sergeant: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.

3rd Man: Throw the gun away.

Sergeant: I haven't got a gun.

3rd Man: You have.

Sergeant: Haven't.

3rd Man: You shot Mr 'Arrison with it.

Sergeant: Oh, that gun.

3rd Man: Throw it away.

Sergeant: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a gun.

3rd Man: You were going to shoot me!

Sergeant: I wasn't.

3rd Man: You were!

Sergeant: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...

(Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones)

3rd Man: Aaagh.

Sergeant: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.

2nd Man: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?

Sergeant: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.

2nd Man: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?

Sergeant: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just _one way_ of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!

4th Man: Like what?

Sergeant: Shootin' him?

2nd Man: Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?

Sergeant: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.

2nd Man: No guns.

Sergeant: No.

2nd Man: No 16-ton weights.

Sergeant: No.

4th Man: No pointed sticks.

Sergeant: Shut up.

2nd Man: No rocks up in the ceiling.

Sergeant: No.

2nd Man: And you won't kill us.

Sergeant: I won't.

2nd Man: Promise.

Sergeant: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?

2nd & 4th Men: Oh, all right.

Sergeant: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to -- release the tiger!

(He does so. Growls. Screams.)

Sergeant: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it...

[Evster2012]

Here's that Dennis Moore sketch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAs2m7Hr3Bc

Hey Ady! Thanks for the link! Welcome!! Have one on me

[eskimoblueday]

Second favorite:

Cut to a wide-angle shot of hedgerows, fields and trees. Voice Over (John Cleese): In this picture there are forty people. None of them can be seen. In this film we hope to show you how not to be seen.

(Caption on screen: 'HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT TO BE SEEN"')

Voice Over: In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE5. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw will you stand up please.

In the distance Mr Bradshaw stands up. There is a loud gunshot as Mr Bradshaw is shot in the stomach. He crumples to the ground.

Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

Cut to another location - an empty area of scrubland.

Voice Over: In this picture we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Cresent, Belmont. Mrs Smegma will you stand up please.

To the right of the area Mrs Smegma stands up. A gunshot rings out, and Mrs. Smegma leaps into the air, and falls to the ground dead. Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle.

Voice Over: This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbit would you stand up please. (after a pause - nothing happens) Mr Nesbitt has learnt the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.

The bush explodes and you hear a muffled scream. Cut to another scene with three bushes.

Voice Over: Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh, The Burrows, Oswestly, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out. (the left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, and then the middle bush explodes. There is a muffled scream as Mr. Lambert is blown up) Yes it was the middle one.

Cut to a shot of a farmland area with a water butt, a wall, a pile of leaves, a bushy tree, a parked car, and lots of bushes in the distance.

Voice Over: Mr Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel.

The water barrel just blows up in a huge explosion. Cut to a panning shot from the beach huts to beach across the sea.

Voice Over: Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Ivy Cottage, Worplesdon Road, Hull, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwarding address, and they had bolted and barred the house to prevent us from getting in. However a neighbour told us where there were.

The camera pans around and stops on a obvious looking hut, which blows up. Cut to a house with a gumby standing out front.

Voice Over: And here is the neighbour (he blows up, leaving just his boots. Cut to a shack in the desert) Here is where he lived (shack blows up - cut to a building) And this is where Lord Langdin lived who refused to speak to us (it blows up). so did the gentleman who lived here....(shot of a house - it blows up) and here.....(another building blows up) and of course here.....(a series of various atom and hydrogen bombs at the moment of impact).

[leddy]

If I sound dumb forgive me but what exactly is a lupin?

Some sort of plant I think !! apt really on here

"have a very great friend in Rome called Bicus dicus" !!!! or should I say fwiend !!

has anyone got the Congratual obligation album ?? with Sit on my face and tell me that you love me, I love to hear you oralise when your between my thighs...you blow me away !! and the book shop with Charles Dickkens with two K's the well known Dutch author !!

Edited December 30, 2007 by leddy

[endorasmask]

DUDE, what the fuck are you talking about?? This is a Monty Python appreciation thread, and that's from one of their movies. Duh!

Edited December 30, 2007 by endorasmask

[Ady]

Hey Ady! Thanks for the link! Welcome!! Have one on me

No problem, cheers!

THRUST - A Quite Controversial Look At The World Around Us:

Edited December 30, 2007 by Ady

[leddy]

one of my fave sketches...The Cheese Shop !!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3c3qJIwMDc

[TheZeppyWanderer]

THE LARCH

[valleygirl]

not my department really but my husband has the movie boxed set sitting inbetween black adder and the league of gentleman < dont like this cos of wots his name i dunno if im spelling this right Papa lazarou frightens me

[greenman]

Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

[yahyoubetcha]

[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]

King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?

Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.

King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.

Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.

Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...

Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...

Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

Brother Maynard: Amen.

All: Amen.

King Arthur: Right. One... two... five.

Galahad: Three, sir.

King Arthur: Three.

[yahyoubetcha]

Brian's mother: What star sign is he?

Wise Man #2: Capricorn.

Brian's mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.

Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.

Brian's mother: And that's Capricorn, is it?

Wise Man #3: No, no, that's just him.

Brian's mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.

[leddy]

not my department really but my husband has the movie boxed set sitting inbetween black adder and the league of gentleman < dont like this cos of wots his name i dunno if im spelling this right Papa lazarou frightens me

I love league of Gentlemen....Dave your my wife now

[MS1]

Congratulations on opening the executive version of this thread. You have chosen wisely and we value your discerning taste in deciding to post in a thread of real quality. Everything on this thread has been designed to meet the exacting standards which you have naturally come to expect.

The thread itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded bandwidth. The textbox has been created to fit exactly onto your thoughtful post with all the precision of finest Swiss craftmanship.

The thread content has been quality graded to give you the finest in Led Zeppelin official forum pleasure. There is little or no offending material apart from four cunts, one clitoris, and a foreskin. And as they only occur in this opening introduction, you'll pass them now.

You can relax and enjoy this quality product, secure in the knowledge that it has

been specially created for the lover of fine things and man of good taste.

*braaaap*

Oh! Sorry! You can edit that out, can't you?

Mod #1: Yeah, no problem.

Edited December 31, 2007 by Magic Sam

[leddy]

For all you Pyhton fans, set your video/Dvd recorders on at 8pm tonight on Channel 4 before you head out and celebrate New Year as its a Python night !! Secret life of Monty Python, Life of Brian and then What the Pythons did next !!

[Mattmc1973]

I went to the store this morning to get some beer for tonight, and saw a bottle of "Monty Python's Holy Grail", and the label says "tempered over burning witches"! I had to buy it.

[Ady]

For all you Pyhton fans, set your video/Dvd recorders on at 8pm tonight on Channel 4 before you head out and celebrate New Year as its a Python night !! Secret life of Monty Python, Life of Brian and then What the Pythons did next !!

I've seen "What the Python's Did Next" before, it's very interesting.

[eskimoblueday]

I went to the store this morning to get some beer for tonight, and saw a bottle of "Monty Python's Holy Grail", and the label says "tempered over burning witches"! I had to buy it.

Ha! I'm going to have to keep an eye out for that! I'd love to try it.

"She turned me into a newt!...

I got better..."