Bonham Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Most of mine I gathered from Uncyclopedia. So don't expect these to be real quotes. "A man does what he must -- in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers, and pressures -- and that is the basis of my sleeping with your daughter." -John F. Kennedy "YESSS!!" -Sean Hannity on (top of) Rush Limbaugh "I feel bad for the guy that married her." -Bill Clinton on Hillary Clinton "Can you really blame me?" -Bill Clinton on Hillary Clinton "Digg, Reddit, Blogs, Media Conspiracy, CFR, States' Rights, No IRS! Vote for Ron Paul or we'll kill your dog!" -Ron Paul Supporters on Ron Paul in 2008 "Experience? That word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Our whole problem is that right now people are too experienced: too experienced at wheedling, too experienced at cutting deals, and too experienced at serving special interests! This is the time for new leadership! The time for hope! The time for change! The time for optimism! After that, perhaps more hope! Then hope again, change for a little while, then a mixture of optimism and change! After that we break for lunch. Then it's right back at things with some light change..." -Barack Obama on change Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Rover Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 From Gov. Eliot Spitzer, from his Gubinatorial Campaign Add: In light of his Prostitution Scandal . . . "You begin your journey on Trustworthy Turnpike, make a Left past Honesty Road, Turn down Integrity Lane, and eventually, if you've walked the right way, end up on Responsibility Road." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Dawg Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 'To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends'.- Ben Franklin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kissandra Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 'To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends'.- Ben Franklin Classic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. Plant Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 In my little 6 year old brothers class while naming who was running for president: Some kid: "So when you say they are running for president, you mean they are actually running?" (makes running motion) My little brother Daniel in a smart ass way: "NO, It's a figure of speech!" He's sooooo cute!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8LadyPlant8 Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Matt Foley: "Now son, what are you gonna do with your life when you grow up?" (David Spade): "Well, I kind of wanted to be a writer." Matt: "Well from what I hear, youre usin that papar not for writin, but for ROLLIN DOOBIES. Your gonna be doin a lot of doobie rollin, when your livin in a van down by the river!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northern Monkey Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Well George we knocked the bastard off. Edmund Hillary You never hear the phrase 'shes shagging the banjo player' Billy Connolly Anyone can get laid its just a matter of lowering your standards enough. Michael Stipe Blue cheese contains natural amphetamines. Why are students not informed about this? Mark E Smith (The Fall) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zosodude13 Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Probably my favorite guy to quote: Mark Twain I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phr0z3n Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one? I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'" My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen. I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were! I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies. R.I.P Mitch Hedberg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pb Derigable Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I tell this to people alot. "Hey "John", do me a favor, here's a dollar, go ask the DJ for change for the jukebox." "Sex is mind of matter, if she doesn't mind, it doesn't matter." ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kissandra Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one? I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'" My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen. I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were! I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies. R.I.P Mitch Hedberg Oh man, I didn't know those were Mitch quotes and I loved them. I love him. My favorite is the vending machine one there. Classic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phr0z3n Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Yeah, he could say the dumbest stuff and it would still be hilarious, because of the way he talks. Like.. Tony the Tiger usually thinks stuff is great.. Normally that would sound dumb, but when Mitch says it, its hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kissandra Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Sometimes, yeah, but he was a really clever guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phr0z3n Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Sometimes, yeah, but he was a really clever guy. Too bad he did so many drugs.. I dunno if he was nervous or just on something, because a lot of the time he would be shaking so bad he couldn't even hold the mic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonham Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 “God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” “We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.” “Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.” “Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.” “Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.” “Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.” “If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” “In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."” “Ah...so many pedestrians, so little time...” “Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.” “The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and yelling, "You want a piece of me?"” “Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!” “I like my wine like my women -- ready to pass out.” “We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.” “[before opening an envelope for best supporting actress] I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, `Back up, I don't know how big this gets.” -Robin Williams :hysterical: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Bomber Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 Oscar Wilde!: "If England treats her prisoners the way she treated me,then she doesn't deserve to have any!" "My wallpaper and i are at war with one another,one of us has to go"-The last words Wilde ever spoke. "All bad poetry stems from genuine feeling" "Do you smoke? Yes. Good,every man should have a hobby!"-The Importance of being Ernest. "Mother! You fool,i was never married! ...I cannot deny that is a severe blow"-Importance of Being Ernest,sounds better in context "When we are good we are not always happy,but when we are happy we are always good" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rafnagud9 Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 If there is a supreme being, he's crazy. ~ Marlene Dietrich Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
59LesPaul Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 "You never know what's hit you,a gunshot is the perfect way" -John F. Kennedy,after being asked how he would choose to die. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZOSOGIRL93 Posted November 8, 2008 Share Posted November 8, 2008 "We were like the spice boys" George Harrsion the Beatles. “I'm a tidy sort of bloke. I don't like chaos. I kept records in the record rack, tea in the tea caddy, and pot in the pot box.” George Harrison! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pb Derigable Posted November 8, 2008 Share Posted November 8, 2008 Don't tell anybody your problems. 90% of the people don't care, and the other 10% are glad you have them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rafnagud9 Posted November 8, 2008 Share Posted November 8, 2008 America must not ignore the threat gathering against us. Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof — the smoking gun — that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud. ~ George W. Bush, October 7, 2002 CINCINNATI, OHIO (on the issue of attacking Iraq over weapons of mass destruction) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary Hartman Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 I had a linguistics professor who said that its mans ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.That may be. But I think theres one other thing that separates us from animals. We arent afraid of vaccuum cleaners Jeff Stilson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeepBlackZeppelin Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Don't tell anybody your problems. 90% of the people don't care, and the other 10% are glad you have them. I find this to be truer every day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kabbalahone Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 From Gov. Eliot Spitzer, from his Gubinatorial Campaign Add: In light of his Prostitution Scandal . . . "You begin your journey on Trustworthy Turnpike, make a Left past Honesty Road, Turn down Integrity Lane, and eventually, if you've walked the right way, end up on Responsibility Road." lol, well now... something tells me I did the right thing by getting the left side of my nose pierced, I suppose he got stuck somewhere between Integrity and walking the right way, . He was shelling out 5000 a pop. I live on that for 5 months. Maybe I should start painting portraits of dirty politicians, that would sell well, I bet, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kabbalahone Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 America must not ignore the threat gathering against us. Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof — the smoking gun — that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud. ~ George W. Bush, October 7, 2002 CINCINNATI, OHIO (on the issue of attacking Iraq over weapons of mass destruction) Oh excuse me. I didn't mean to fart out loud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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