10 Worst Ways To Behave At Concerts

[Jahfin]

Click here to read the list.

[Jahfin]

Here's an oldie but a goodie that was published in the now defunct Clink magazine back in 2002:

Of Space Invaders and Wet Blankets:

A Quick Guide to Concert-going Types

By Rick Cornell

(Disclaimer #1: It's best to get this sort of thing out of

the way first. A year ago, I was alerted to an online article that

categorized different types of people who go out to hear live music

in clubs. I stubbornly refused to read the piece because I had been

thinking about writing something similar and wanted to be able to

plead, if not ignorance, at least innocence. Thus, any similarity to

that earlier article in – you know, I ignored it so completely

that I can't even tell you where it appeared – is purely

coincidental.)

There was a period in the mid `90s when I did a lot of

research in the area of concert-going types -- two or three nights a

week's worth, as a matter of fact -- all in the name of music,

anthropology, and big-ass cans of Foster's. These days, I'm

down to a just a couple shows a month, but the specimens I

encountered regularly five years ago appear to be thriving still.

Here are my 10 favorites, using that term loosely in some cases.

Claim Stakers - These are the folks who get to a no-seats venue when

the doors open and immediately secure a spot center stage. They

spread their arms out and, this is important, keep in constant

contact with the stage, as if not touching it at all times is grounds

for immediate disqualification. They must travel, at minimum, in

pairs so one can maintain stage contact while the other buys the

beer.

Head Cheerleaders – You've seen these guys (and, yes, 99%

of the time it's a guy) near the front of the stage with

their backs to the band, pumping fists, throwing goats, and

engaging in any other hand gestures that they feel will get

the rest of the crowd to reach their overheated level of

enthusiasm. It's the back-to-the-band thing that gets me;

if you're such a fan, turn and face `em for crying out loud.

Socialites – The members of this group, as a friend likes to say,

would be having a good time if the damn performer didn't keep

getting in the way of their conversation. Not unlike the old joke

about going to a fight and having a hockey game break out, Socialites

go to music shows in the hope that a cocktail party breaks out. In

fact, when a fed-up Freedy Johnston opened for Billy Bragg a couple

years back at The Ritz, he commented between songs that "It sounds

like a fucking cocktail party in here." Of course, only a few of us

heard him over the incessant chattering.

Band Liaisons – These are the people who feel it's their

responsibility to converse with the band, kind of an unwelcome

welcoming committee. Obscure requests and inside jokes are specialty,

often so obscure and inside that the band has no idea what the

Liaisons are talking about – not that it ever seems to discourage

them. Another prevalent species, The Heavily Intoxicated, can also

display Band Liaison tendencies, albeit without the backpack-load of

trivia. The one time that I chose to intervene in a Band Liaison-like

activity involved such a character, a hammered guy who attempted to

carry on a conversation with the keyboard player throughout an entire

set. I said to hammered guy's friend, a leathery, flint-eyed sort

who had muscled his way into a booth I had fought hard for, "You need

to get him away from there." "Are you telling me what to do, friend?"

was the reply, sealed with a look that said "I've already killed

one man today, so another's no big deal." I decided that the

keyboard player could fend for himself.

"Free Bird" Yellers – You could argue that, because of

the request-yelling component, this group could be included

with the Band Liaisons. Nope. "Free Bird" Yellers deserve

their own category, and their own special ring of Hell. I remain

astounded that there are people out there--presumably intelligent,

functioning people (I mean, they must have jobs that allow them to

afford concert tickets)--who continue to think that hollering "Free

Bird!!" represents the height of social wit. Noel Coward and Ronnie

Van Zant are exhausted from rolling over in their graves. (Even

worse, in some ways, are the enablers who laugh at the yellers as if

they've just witnessed a once-in-a-lifetime comedy tour

de force.) I've seen performers deal with this annoyance

in several ways. More than a couple bands have honored the request

and played the song in all its 12-minute-plus glory. Solo artists

have been known to reward the requester with a middle-digit greeting

accompanied by "I've got your free bird right here"; a

friend once found himself on the business end of just such a one-

finger salute from Mojo Nixon. My favorite response, courtesy of Yo

La Tengo's Ira Kaplan: "You know, that just gets funnier

every time I hear it."

Space Invaders – Despite the Pac-Man-era name, this category is

rather self-explanatory. This is the music-club equivalent of the

person who chooses the seat right next to you in a half-empty movie

theater. More often than not, it's an oblivious 6'2" guy

standing in front of, and 5 inches away from, a 5'4" woman when

there's a good 50 feet of unoccupied space available.

Get-a-Room Couples – It's not just what the kids call

"slow songs" that gets lips locking; I've seen some impressive

groping during drum solos. And I can tie this category to the

previous one: my space was once invaded by a Get-a-Room Couple that

were so close that I was almost hit by a darting tongue. For a while,

it appeared that they were going to have a cool little story to tell

their firstborn about how he or she was conceived at a Matthew Sweet

show.

Wet Blankets – Also answers to I'm Only Here Because She (or He)

Wants to Be Here. This is the half of the couple who was clearly

dragged to the show because the other half is a huge fan. These folks

couldn't give a rat's ass, and they're not afraid to show

it by pulling out every disgruntled facial expression in the book,

displaying exaggerated yawns, and checking their watches every 5

minutes. The best they can hope for is a little Get-a-Room action.

(Disclaimer #2: Just want to stop to say that I hope I'm not

coming off overly critical of these people. For one thing, I'm

thrilled and thankful that people actually still go out to clubs to

hear music. For another, I have been some of these types.)

Harmonizers – This type is sometimes hard to spot unless

you're at a solo acoustic show, where they dutifully fill in the

missing harmony parts of each song as a public (albeit, unrequested)

service to the rest of the audience. Case in point, the guy one row

behind me and two seats to the right at the recent Richard Thompson

show at the Carolina Theater. Hard to fault them for their love of

the music; easy to fault them for their lack of even a nodding

acquaintance with something called key. See also their quieter kin:

air guitarists, air drummers, and other air-playing understudies

hoping to be discovered. May I respectfully suggest air harmonies?

Saviors – Can be heard shouting "Just play what you want, ______

(fill in the first name of the artist)!" in response to an abundance

of requests from their crowdmates. Also, they're the ones

who line the front of the stage with bottles of beer or shots when

the band makes their thirst public. You'd think that this

would be a job for Band Liaisons, but they're too busy trying to

remember the title of the band's contribution to the compilation

released on that tiny Danish label so they can yell out a request.

Occasionally, something happens that breaks down all walls and

dissolves all categories. I heard of such a moment at a recent Local

506 show when a high-energy, and apparently extremely persuasive,

Japanese band named Gasoline had the whole place singing and writhing

and gatoring along to the long-in-the-tooth party anthem "Shout." Wet

Blankets dried out, and Claim Stakers abandoned their posts.

Everybody was encouraged to harmonize, thus drowning out all

peripheral conversations. Get-a-Room Couples now had an excuse to be

on the floor. No "Free Bird" requests were uttered for the duration

of the song. And in the back of the room, for a split second, a

scenester (a category deserving of an entire article) actually looked

toward the stage. And it was good.

[jimmie ray]

I was the "Claim Staker" at the last Hot Tuna show I saw. Practically had to walk on peoples' heads and shoulders to keep getting back to "my spot" in front with the beers that were being poured way in the back. The "Head Cheerleader" types are the most annoying - football games seem to have one these in each section.

[lzfan715]

My mom took me to my first concert. It was April 20 to see Robert Plant. She could be considered a wet blanket, in that I'm the opbessive fan and she didn't really care. What really got me was this lady and her daughter. The place was all chairs and no standing. They stood the entire time, after being asked repeatedly to be sit down by various people. Both of them were beyond drunk, could hardly talk, walk or stand up on their own. Security finally came and they were escourted out. It didn't ruin my first concert but it did put a damper on it.

[kirchzep27]

air borne m80s going off 5ft above peoples heads are not cool and violent hockey game type moshing is not either...both having nothing to do with music ofcourse.

[Rhodey]

Much of the Rock music I see in concert isn't danceable anyway.

I prefer to sit and listen intentively to such.

[Jarlaxle 56]

I am definitely a "Claim Staker". If I have the chance I am definitely going to show up early and get as close as possible to the front...I mean, why wouldn't you want to be right in front of the stage? Seriously...

[Jahfin]

I am definitely a "Claim Staker". If I have the chance I am definitely going to show up early and get as close as possible to the front...I mean, why wouldn't you want to be right in front of the stage? Seriously...

Because the sound is usually better if you're positioned a good distance back from the stage?

[MadScreamingGallery]

air borne m80s going off 5ft above peoples heads are not cool and violent hockey game type moshing is not either...both having nothing to do with music ofcourse.

I feared those more than anything else - I was terrified that my (or someone else's) hair or clothes would catch fire.

[kirchzep27]

I feared those more than anything else - I was terrified that my (or someone else's) hair or clothes would catch fire.

I'm actually referencing the -nassau coliseum show of -page88...just brutal with the m-80s, in aisles and then being thrown up actually above people. It was only in my section, but the effects close by could be hearing loss or something...not getting set on fire. But, when you feel the impact of a quarter of a stick of dynamite at a music show...thats not cool.

[Jarlaxle 56]

Because the sound is usually better if you're positioned a good distance back from the stage?

That's a good point, but for me, I like to be nice and close so I can see the instruments and take pictures and whatnot. Half the fun of seeing a band in a small club is the fact that you can get right up there and see exactly what's going on on stage.

[MadScreamingGallery]

I'm actually referencing the -nassau coliseum show of -page88...just brutal with the m-80s, in aisles and then being thrown up actually above people. It was only in my section, but the effects close by could be hearing loss or something...not getting set on fire. But, when you feel the impact of a quarter of a stick of dynamite at a music show...thats not cool.

People complain about the '70s but, from what I've heard, m-80's were set off quite a bit at concerts in Nassau Coliseum during the '80's - especially when the metal bands were performing.

[kirchzep27]

People complain about the '70s but, from what I've heard, m-80's were set off quite a bit at concerts in Nassau Coliseum during the '80's - especially when the metal bands were performing.

Yeah i guess...but when you see people upset and leaving a show, thats not good. I only saw -metallica on the -and justice for all tour at the coliseum, so i dont know about the 80s metal bands. I always liked maiden, but never saw them live. Actually -metallica did a bit of the how many more time riff at the begining of the encore....that was cool.

[MadScreamingGallery]

Yeah i guess...but when you see people upset and leaving a show, thats not good. I only saw -metallica on the -and justice for all tour at the coliseum, so i dont know about the 80s metal bands. I always liked maiden, but never saw them live. Actually -metallica did a bit of the how many more time riff at the begining of the encore....that was cool.

Did people leave the Page 88 show because of the m-80s?

[kirchzep27]

Did people leave the Page 88 show because of the m-80s?

Yeah a few people...not alot. GGGGreat show though, that -outrider tour.

[GetTheLedOut]

That's a good point, but for me, I like to be nice and close so I can see the instruments and take pictures and whatnot. Half the fun of seeing a band in a small club is the fact that you can get right up there and see exactly what's going on on stage.

You can get up pretty close to the band at most venues. The joy of smaller venues is that you can see the band even in the back. And while the view is certainly better right up in the front, you'll want to be near the middle at least halfway back if you want proper sound. If you are off center and/or too close up the reverberations of the sound won't hit you and the direct sound will be too strong to sound as good as it can. You don't get the "live" feeling of a good venue unless you can get a good but not overpowering direct sound, and you get a good amount of the reverberated sound.

[Jahfin]

You can get up pretty close to the band at most venues. The joy of smaller venues is that you can see the band even in the back. And while the view is certainly better right up in the front, you'll want to be near the middle at least halfway back if you want proper sound. If you are off center and/or too close up the reverberations of the sound won't hit you and the direct sound will be too strong to sound as good as it can. You don't get the "live" feeling of a good venue unless you can get a good but not overpowering direct sound, and you get a good amount of the reverberated sound.

Depending on the artist sometimes I like to be right up front too (I have front row seats for two of R.E.M.'s upcoming shows) but if I'm at a club I have the freedom to take in the show from several different vantage points, switching around until I find the sweet spot.

[DoubleNecker]

The last concert I went to (Rob Zombie in 2006 with my dad x_x) I had to deal with assholes who HAVE to stand on their chair. And the chick wasn't taller than me, and my dad was mad too. Then a concert before that (Kid Rock ) we had this drunk as hell chick next to my dad who was dancing and elbowed my dad in the process of the dancing and he was about ready to say to her bf "hey, control this bitch or get her away from me before I knock her the fuck out" I would like to go to concerts, but with riffraff? No thanks.

[Jahfin]

I would like to go to concerts, but with riffraff? No thanks.

Kinda comes with the territory at all concerts, especially Kid Rock ones.

[DoubleNecker]

True, but it's also that I don't really want to see anyone. Although my music tastes have broadened in the past year, so I wouldn't mind going to see The White Stripes, or the Black Keys or maybe even something like a noise rock band of the now. Only problem is the money and transportation. *finds a 50 dollar an hour job*

[Mrs. Plant]

Always seems to be a problem of really tall rude guys who stand right in front of smaller girls and don't allow them to see anything but their backside, and will not allow the tiny girl to squeeze in for a view.

[Jahfin]

True, but it's also that I don't really want to see anyone.

It's quite the opposite for me. I go to quite a few concerts anyway (at least on the club and theatre level) but this year there's tons of shows I'd like to see, both at clubs and larger venues. The gas situation is putting a crunch on us all (including the performers) but I still hope to attend some of the "must-see" concerts like R.E.M., Plant/Krauss, Wilco and a good handful of others.

[JethroTull]

These days at a Tull show, almost like clockwork, everybody rushes the stage during the predictable Aqualung/Locomotive Breath encore. At a show in Connecticut, I was already sitting in the orchestra, but got up and stood in the walk way. Some jerk, from who knows where he was sitting, rushed the stage and started gently shoving me, like 'get the fuck outta my way". I kneed him in the groin so nobody could see what I did and quietly walked away while he was gasping for air.

[Wolfman]

There's also the narc wannabes...the fan who flips out when someone lights up a joint and runs to get security. It's one thing if you're in a art house or small theater, but if you're at a large stadium seeing a classic rock band (known for their psychedelic songs), plan on seeing people get high. I know there are smoking laws but screw it. As long as they are being somewhat discreet, I say let them have fun. I can't believe how much I see this. The people narcing are also the ones who usually getting drunk off their ass and make a fool out of themselves (screaming "Freebird", etc.).

BTW, I don't indulge anymore so this doesn't really affect me anymore....just don't like it.

Also, what the hell do people have with fans standing. It's a rock concert. You are supposed to stand unless it's a real mellow song. I think it's just old farts not wanting to stand. BOOOOOOOOOO on that one!!!

[Swede]

In Sweden people shout "Spela Clash" which means "play something by The Clash" instead of doing the "Free Bird shouting"..