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marolyn

Make me laugh!

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An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the key to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest; he said there were no early payment fees. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's secure underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replied: "Minga, where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

:lol:

Edited by Fan_S.

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I love my basement!

It makes me laugh that this was your last post before banishment!

Dead and buried.

Relegated to the dust bin of forgotten trolls.

:hysterical:

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Southern Ladies

Southern women know their summer weather report:

Humidity

Humidity

Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:

The beach

The rivuh

The crick

Southern women know everybody's first name:

Honey

Darlin'

Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes

Driving Miss Daisy

Steel Magnolias

Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

Baptist

Methodist

Football

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Chawl'stn

S'vanah

Foat Wuth

N'awlins

Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

Men in uniform

Men in tuxedos

Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall

The Country Club

The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

Having bad hair and nails

Having bad manners

Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them,

you "PITCH" them.

_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.., make up "a mess."

_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:

"Going to town, be back directly ."

_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

_____

All Southerners know exactly when

"by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.

If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and

"a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20

_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash...

_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!

_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

_____

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.

You just say,"Bless her heart"... and go your own way.

_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff...bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

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Southern Ladies

Southern women know their summer weather report:

Humidity

Humidity

Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:

The beach

The rivuh

The crick

Southern women know everybody's first name:

Honey

Darlin'

Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes

Driving Miss Daisy

Steel Magnolias

Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

Baptist

Methodist

Football

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Chawl'stn

S'vanah

Foat Wuth

N'awlins

Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

Men in uniform

Men in tuxedos

Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall

The Country Club

The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

Having bad hair and nails

Having bad manners

Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them,

you "PITCH" them.

_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.., make up "a mess."

_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:

"Going to town, be back directly ."

_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

_____

All Southerners know exactly when

"by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.

If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and

"a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20

_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash...

_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!

_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

_____

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.

You just say,"Bless her heart"... and go your own way.

_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff...bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

Outstandin' :D:thumbsup: Dawlin'

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A nun who went to the Doctors because she was sick was told she was pregnant. Totally dumbfounded at the news, the next day she stormed into the monastery where the monks lived and shouted, "Right, which one of you dirty bastards has been wanking over the candles?"

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Weird American Sex Laws:

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

In Maryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

And for the very end:

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

The list is endless.

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At which Aunts house does a Penguin love to stay at?

Aunt-Arctica.

:lol: That sounds just like a joke mt dad would say. And one from those 'penguin' bars.

penguin.jpg

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:lol: That sounds just like a joke mt dad would say. And one from those 'penguin' bars.

penguin.jpg

Hi 'Jimmy's A Legend'

And thats exactly where it came from, with a little doctoring by myself to avoid plagiarism, my son asked me to post it for him on here, he's only 21 so not old enough for all this grown up talk. And thanks for outing me as a Flake, or was that a Fake. :lol:

Regards, Danny

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Bill Mahr said Obama is the president after Bush which is like being the maid who has to clean the room after Led Zeppelin has been there a week.

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