Make me laugh!

[Bong-Man]

The phone rang at the Vatican, and the Pope answered.

"Hello", he said, "This is the Pope".

"Pope, this is God," came the reply, "and I have good news and I have bad news."

With a shaken voice, the Pope asks, "What's the good news, God?"

God replies, "There has been too much killing and stealing going on in the name of religion. From this day forward, there shall be but the one true religion, and all men shall adhere to it and live in peace forevermore."

"That's WONDERFUL news, God!" exclaimed the Pope. "What's the bad news?"

"I'm calling from Salt Lake City."

[MOJO]

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the hood,

not a ho was working though they knew they should.

Her stockings were stained with jizz and a hair,

with hopes that a john would soon appear.

The pimp was at home all snug in his bed,

while visions of benjamins danced in his head.

Mama was in the bedroom and I on the couch,

watching a movie about a Christmas grouch.

I was smoking a joint and drinking a beer,

when mama called out "get your ass in here!"

Upon entering the room I saw her in bed,

totally naked from her toes to her head.

I was licking her pussy with my dick in her mouth, that's when we heard someone shout,

so I jumped to my feet to see what it's about.

I looked in the living room and to my surprise,

two thugs appeared right before my eyes.

head to toe, front to back both clad all in black,

the short fat one held it open while the skinny one filled their sack.

It was fat boy who provoked my attack

because I had noticed he was drinking my jack.

Skinny spotted me standing there steaming,

causing him to charge at me screaming.

I hit him so hard he fell to the floor,

causing fat boy to run for the door.

I pounced on him quickly like a lion on its prey,

there was no chance he was getting away.

Beating him badly within inches of his life,

I heard the other say "let him go or I will kill your wife."

I turn around and noticed he was wielding a knife, which made me decide I would take his life.

Whooping his ass and having a ball,

suddenly I put his head through the wall.

At that moment fat boy returned with this thought in his head, he wanted to kill me with a pipe made of lead.

With a mighty swing mama smashed his head,

with the bat she pulled from under the bed.

I turned to face her holding my head,

because I realized they were both dead.

She was standing there naked still holding the bat, it was my Louisville Slugger can you imagine that.

We disposed of the bodies before returning to bed, I looked at mama and this is what I said

"Merry Christmas baby," and the sun was shining bright,"somehow we survived another night!"

This story is true and I often wonder,

I might have let them live and keep the sack

if fat boy would have left his hands off my jack.

Because he made that mistake his biggest blunder, he and skinny are now six feet under.

MOJO

[Virginia]

When you see a deer you see Bambi

And I see antlers up on the wall

When you see a lake you think picnic

And I see a large mouth up under that log

You're probably thinking that you're going to change me

In some ways well maybe you might

Scrub me down, dress me up but no matter what

I'm still a guy

When you see a priceless French painting

I see a drunk, naked girl

You think that riding a wild bull sounds crazy

And I'd like to give it a whirl

Well love makes a man do some things he ain't proud of

And in a weak moment I might walk your sissy dog, hold your purse at the mall

But remember, I'm still a guy

I'll pour out my heart

Hold your hand in the car

Write a love song that makes you cry

Then turn right around knock some jerk to the ground

'Cause he copped a feel as you walked by

I can hear you now talking to your friends

Saying, "Yeah girls he's come a long way"

From dragging his knuckles and carrying a club

And building a fire in a cave

But when you say a backrub means only a backrub

Then you swat my hand when I try

Well, what can I say at the end of the day

Honey, I'm still a guy

I'll pour out my heart

Hold your hand in the car

Write a love song that makes you cry

Then turn right around knock some jerk to the ground

'Cause he copped a feel as you walked by

These days there's dudes getting facials

Manicured, waxed and botoxed

With deep spray-on tans and creamy lotiony hands

You can't grip a tacklebox

With all of these men lining up to get neutered

It's hip now to be feminized

I don't highlight my hair

I've still got a pair

Yeah honey, I'm still a guy

Oh my eyebrows ain't plucked

There's a gun in my truck

Oh thank God, I'm still a guy

[BIGDAN]

Hi Danny,all,

Joss?

KB

Thanks Kev, here's one, just for you mate.

"A SQUIRREL'S TALE"

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and

improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE U.K. VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a

fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the

squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference

and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and

well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;

with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table

laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed

that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,

while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council

of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking

news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel

got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike

on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for

squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic

Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of

the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing

to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and

an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did

not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and

an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's

food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this

case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed

retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and starts building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary

home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as

they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried

to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and

attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them

pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned

because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise

and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the

squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house

he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed

for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since

arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary

to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately

because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise

him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state

the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for

grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is

increased.

The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching

Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government

for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press

blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes

of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of

prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were

infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the

United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the

burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their

credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and

order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of

a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

The story is a real one but i have changed the names of the animals involved

to protect the innocent and give the guilty an alibi.

Regards, Danny

[Nathan]

From NotAlwaysRight.com:

http://notalwaysright.com/welcome-to-b-c-bookstores/3954

Welcome To B.C. Bookstores

Video Game Store | Los Angeles, CA, USA (I’m ringing up a young couple for a video game. The girlfriend asks about the game and the boyfriend describes it to her.)

Boyfriend: “[in the game] you’re one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.”

Girlfriend: “Which one?”

Boyfriend: “War.”

Girlfriend: “Who are the others?”

Boyfriend: “Famine, Pestilence, and Plague.”

Girlfriend: “Who makes this s*** up?!”

(2,078 Thumbs Up!)

[sweetredwine]

Here's a post from a thread of an online Spirituality course I'm taking (that I can't believe I actually paid for) ...

_______________

"Quote ---:

One definition of spirituality is the "art of making connections". When we connect, we recognize that we are in relationship with one another. It is through our relationships that we grow and awaken to our own divinity.

Our connection with God causes us to seek ways to express deeper connections with people. Our deeper connections with people are a symptom of how we reach deeper, stronger connections with God. A sense of connection forms a central defining characteristic of spirituality: connecting to something greater than ourselves. We are always connected (tethered) to God.

We all have a deep need to be connected and respected. Once we learn to love ourselves, then it will be much easier to connect with others. By connecting with our own best self, we will inspire others to connect with their own best selves. Healthy people create healthy communities."

_________________

Underneath here's my response to that post:

Led Zeppelin (http://www.ledzeppelin.com) has one of the best websites I've ever seen for making connections and establishing a solid community. Their website allows one to see another's profile, the topics they've posted to, the threads they've started, and every post they've ever made. This in-depth connectivity allows a community to grow because others are aware of one's "evolving" nature and superficiality is avoided.

*** will they just keep on ignoring me or kick me out?

Edited February 22, 2010 by sweetredwine

[Conneyfogle]

Edited February 23, 2010 by Conneyfogle

[BIGDAN]

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk in to a bar, and the barman says,

"What's this then, a joke?"

[Virginia]

This one takes a while to read, but the comments at the end of the article had me in tears ;I was in my own cubicle trying so hard to be silent! (HYE laughed hysterically in your cubicle, by yourself?! )

The Annoying Guy in the Next Cubicle

[C0mmunicati0nBreakd0wn]

This is H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S.!! Its too epic!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdbGnJ52fjc

[BIGDAN]

What do you call a Scouser in a suit?

The accused.

[BIGDAN]

Q. What cheese can you hide a horse in?

A. "Mascarpone"

[BIGDAN]

Two blind fish swim in to a wall, one said to the other "DAM".

[Khandie]

The International Olympic Committee stunned the world this morning when they awarded U.S. President Barack Obama a gold medal for Men’s Skiing.

When asked how this could be, considering that President Obama has never skied nor competed in the Olympic games, an IOC spokesman justified the decision by stating “Barack Obama is going downhill faster than anyone this year.”

[Conneyfogle]

My facebook pointless conversation with Phil Hendrie yesterday

Phil Hendrie Miichael Jordan is woth 525 million dollars

Me To who?

so am i....metaphorically speaking . anon

No wonder why he always has a big smile. anon

Damn, Phil! He's almost in your salary range! anon

That seems kind of low actually... seeing as how much he was pulling in during his hey day. anon

I would be impressed if he was worth 530 Million. 525 is squat!!that before or after taxes? anon

Phil Hendrie Hey John..whether you know it or not....to you

Me I wouldn't pay that for him, I'd imagine you could buy a team for that!

50 bucks and my left nut says he votes Republican when the little curtain closes

Phil Hendrie Peters what are you talking about...the man has amassed a personal fortune of 525 million dollars. Does anybody give a shit what you set the price at?

Me Apparently Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past

presidents for all of their terms combined.

Edited March 3, 2010 by Conneyfogle

[kirchzep27]

on the story of the kids in the air traffic control tower at jfk. morning news today, reporter says, "another kid in the air control tower..." then they play the tape of the kid talking to a pilot. ofcourse its not a funny situation, but the way the news presented it, it just sounded funny. another kid in the air control tower..

[Virginia]

By way of my husband; this is pretty damn funny!

[Deborah J]

By way of my husband; this is pretty damn funny!

Virginia, this is great!!!!

[FloriZep]

[BIGDAN]

A Black Dude is talking to a White Guy at the Prison where he resides sometimes, and the conversation goes like this.

White Guy. "Hi ya Coloured fellon, how's it hangin?"

Black Dude. "Coloured? Coloured? You's turns RED with embarrasement, BLUE when you get too cold, YELLOW when your a coward, GREEN with envy, BROWN in the sun, PURPLE when your pissed, WHITE with fright, BLACK and BLUE when your bruised, GREY when your ill, ORANGE when you use the sun bed, and you have the nerve to call me COLOURED?"

[BIGDAN]

After no dates or sex for five years a woman goes to see a Chinese Expert Sex Therapist, Dr Chang.

Dr Chang says "Take off all yr croase, get down on all fours and craw reery reery fas to over side room"

She does.

Dr Chang says "OK, craw reery reery fas bac"

As she did Dr Chang shook his head.

Dr Chang says "Yr probrem is vewy vewy bad, worse case of "Ed Zackary Disease" i ever saw, dat why u get no man"

She says "Oh God, whats Ed Zackary Disease?"

Dr Chang says "Its when your face look "Ed Zackary" like yr arse"

[Virginia]

I just saw this guy on the comedy channel and was ROFL; he is really, really funny!!

[BIGDAN]

A man walks in to a bar with a steering wheel between his legs,

The barman says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel between your legs"

The man says, "I know, and its driving me NUTS"

[BIGDAN]

A man walks in to a vets and says, "Doctor, my dogs gone cross eyed"

So the vet picks up the dog, looks in to the dogs eyes and says, "I'm afraid I'll have to put him down"

The man says, "But why, just because his gone cross eyed"

The vet says, "No, because his too bloody heavy"

[zdr]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWQl_MZzOr8