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marolyn
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  • 2 weeks later...

I learned these two jokes in Nashville. The first one is from on the wall at the Pancake Pantry, and the second is from a gentleman from Texas in the elevator at the Country Music Hall of Fame.

"You know you're from Nashville when you pass out at a Hank Williams, Jr. concert before Hank does."

"What's got 18 legs and 6 teeth? The front row at a Hank Jr. concert."

:D

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Mob Boss

A mob boss finds out his accountant has stolen millions from him.

He is furious. He gets his lawyer and goes to the accountant's office.

The mob boss sits down and says "Listen you little prick. I know you took millions from me and I want it back now!"

The accountant looks terrified, but doesn't say anything.

The mob boss pulls out his gun, stands up, puts the gun to the accountant's head and says "You got three fuckin' seconds to tell me where my money is!"

The lawyer says "Sir, he's deaf, but i know sign language."

The mob boss says "Ask that prick where my money is or I'll end him right here"

The lawyer signs to the accountant and tells him he needs to tell where the money is or he's going to die.

The accountant nervously signs back to the lawyer that all the money, all $5 million is buried in the yard behind his shed.

The mob boss says "what did he say?"

The lawyer pauses and says "He says you're too much of a pussy to pull the trigger."

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1. How do you confuse an Irishman?

Put him in a barrel and tell him to Piss in the Corner.

2. Why are Synagogue's Round?

So the Jew's cant hide in the Corners when the Collection come's round.

3. Why did God give the Irish the Potatoes and the Arabs the Oil?

Because the Irisn had the first Choice.

4. Why didnt God send Jesus to Ireland to save the World?

Because he couldnt find Three Wise Men and a Virgin.

5. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are captured by African Tribesmen for Trespassing on their Tribal Burial Lands, so the Chief asks the Tribesmen what punnishment he should give them.

The Tribesmen shout as one "Death or Bulla"

The Chief asks the Irishman first, "What Punishment do you want, Death or Bulla"

The Irishman answers, "I dont want to die, so it has to be Bulla, whatever that is"

The Tribesmen shout as one "Bulla", then the Tribesmen take him to a nearby enclosure, bent him over a very large log and everyone buggers him shouting "Bulla, Bulla" while doing so. He is then let go.

The Chief asks the Scotsman, "What Punishment do you want, Death or Bulla"

The Scotsman answers, "I dont want to die, so it has to be Bulla, and i know what that is"

The Tribesmen shout as one "Bulla", then the Tribesmen take him to a nearby enclosure, bent him over a very large log and everyone buggers him shouting "Bulla, Bulla" while doing so. He is then let go.

The Chief then asks the English, "What Punishment do you want, Death or Bulla"

The Englishman answers, "I dont want to die, but you heathen scum are not going to bugger me, an Englishman, so it has to be "Death""

The Tribesmen then shout as one "Death by Bulla"

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‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the hood

Not a ho was working though they knew they should

Her stockings were stained with jizz and some hair

As she wished that a john would soon appear

The pimp was home snug in his bed

While visions of benjamins danced in his head

I just finished drinking some Jack

When mama called into the back

Lying there naked from her toes to her head

Made my penis rise as I ran for the bed

Her lips on my penis and my tongue in her crack

That’s when we heard a loud whack

I sprang to my feet to see what was happening

That’s when I saw two thugs a sacking

I started my attack

On the one with the sack

I hit him so hard he fell to the floor

Without hesitation his partner ran out the door

At that moment the other called my wife a whore

So I turned around quick and beat him some more

When I finished the beating I found to my surprise

The police had just arrived

The sergeant they call St. Nick entered he room where I beat that dick

Following behind him came several more I recognized them all as they barged through the door

Officer Dancer and Prancer first to enter

Next came Donder and Vixen a blitzing

I escaped apprehension

While my wife drew their attention

Out the building I fled, through the courtyard I sped

Losing the officers as I hid in the shed

Soon they were gone giving up the chase

Shortly after I returned to my place

My wife and I resumed our pleasure

Moments after I added this extra

Opened the window I howled in joy

Merry fucking Christmas to all I survived another night

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An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the key to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest; he said there were no early payment fees. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's secure underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replied: "Minga, where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Edited by Footsteps of Dawn
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