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marolyn

Make me laugh!

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This latest fashion worn by the youth of today is passing me by

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'Sniffing J-Lo's butt is like climbing Mt. Everest!'--Triumph The Insult Dog

:D

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A blind guy walks into an all women's biker bar and says; “Do you want to hear a good blond joke?”

The blond bar tender, looks down at him and says; “Did you see that big black chopper out front with the red flames on the tank? That’s mine…..and Rosie on your right there rides the big red chopper right next to it……and Sally behind you rides that big purple hog next to it. Now, do you still want to tell us that blond joke?”

The blind man replies; “Not if I’m going to have to explain it three times.”

Edited by Gospel Zone

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Maybe you had to be there, but ... ;)

Today my 8 year old and I were listening to the radio. First we heard "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" and the next song was "Crush" (Dave Matthews Band).

She informed me that the instrument in "The Devil.." was a FIDDLE, not a violin, like in "Crush" and they are NOT the same! :lol:

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A baboon was swinging through the jungle one day, horny as hell and looking for some action. But try as he might, he couldn't find any lady baboons to lighten his load. So he decided to go for a swim to cool down.

Just as he swung onto the last tree before the waterhole clearing, he saw a huge hippo bent down drinking at the water's edge, with his great muddy a*rse stuck right up in the baboon's face. The baboon looked at the a*rse, looked down at his own d*ick, and looked back at the a*rse. The a*rse looked very inviting. So, quick as a flash, the baboon jumped down onto the hippo's back, positioned himself appropriately, and before the hippo had a chance to register what was going on, the baboon had drilled the hippo, shot his load and scampered back into the jungle, laughing his head off.

When the hippo finally twigged what had happened, he was not amused. He turned around and, hearing the chortles of mirth emanating from the forest, set off in hot pursuit. Hearing the hippo stomping along behind him, the baboon stopped laughing and started looking for a place to hide.

Suddenly the forest opened into a clearing, and the baboon was exposed with nowhere to hide. In desperation, he looked around, and at the far edge of the clearing he saw a white-suited British explorer, wearing a pith-helmet and monocle, sitting on a shooting stick and reading The Times. Meanwhile, the hippo stomped ever closer.

Thinking on his feet, the baboon bounded over to the explorer, broke his neck, took his clothes off, hid his body in the undergrowth, and had just managed to don the explorer's outfit, sit down and position the newspaper as the hippo came stomping into the clearing.

The hippo stood there for a while, panting. Then, spotting the explorer, he timidly approached him and quietly asked whether he had just seen a large monkey running past.

The baboon, realising that he hadn't been rumbled, lowered his newspaper and peered up at the hippo over his monocle. "Can't say that I have, dear boy", he said, sniggering quietly to himself as he returned to his newspaper.

Then he lowered the paper again, and added, "I say - you're not the hippo that the baboon f*ucked in the a*rse, are you?"

With a look of utter devastation on his face, the hippo looked down at the baboon. "Oh my god", he said. "Is it in the papers ALREADY??"

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This is a video with misheard lyrics inserted; I was in tears it was sooo funny!!

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Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -

After your hands become coated with grease,

your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity -

Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,

will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -

The probability of being watched is directly proportional

to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers -

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal

and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi -

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,

the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law -

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always

move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath -

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically

when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result -

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work,

it will.

10. Law of Bio mechanics -

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Arena -

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle,

always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats

several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave

early before the end of the performance or the game is over.

The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have

long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law -

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will

ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers -

If there are only two people in a locker room,

they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces -

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down

on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the

carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument -

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law -

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,

by the time you get there you'll feel better.

But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick

Edited by Khandie

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:lol: Those were great! And so true! Esp.this one:

Universal Laws

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

And the one about the open-faced jelly sandwich, I know it as a joke:

"One day, the son says to his father:

- You have teach me that the jam bread always falls face down, and look, it fallen face up.

- Son, I teaches you right. The bread was anoint the wrong side."

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back." :o

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Test for Dementia

Below are four ( 4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question,OK?

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your headonly. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30... Add another 1000 . Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000 ? The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO!Of course ! It isn't . Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask...It's really very simple.

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