Fool In The Rain 60 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Yes but have given up lots of times over the years, the longest I went without was 10 whole years, but like the Cl*t I am, I gave it another go, once a smoker always a smoker, but I think this will be it now, but never say never.Who knows really...................but am not missing it, I think thats why i am back on here lol, keep the fingers busy on the fretboard and on here and the keys lol. Your doing well keeping your fingers busy posting on here that's for sure. Would tell a joke to keep on topic, but i'm crap at it so I won't bother. By the way do you have spell checker? if you have use it , if not another thing to keep your hands busy get a Dictionary. Your nickname is in a league of it's own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi_Zep_Fan87 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Now, this is more my kinda nun! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BIGDAN Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 (edited) Now, this is more my kinda nun! Talking about Nuns? I'll tell you a true story. While playing in the Final of the "National Nuns and Priests Friday Night Darts League" a Priest stands up to the oche to take what should be the final winning throws, he needs a score of 120. His first dart just misses double top (40) and he scores a 20, his second dart hits the treble 20 (60 so a total score of 80 leaving 40 to get) so he throws his final dart and its on its way to a winning double top when it hits the wire, it bounces out and nearly hits Mother Superior in the eye who jumps up so quickly that her head collides with the book shelf which breaks away on one side and sends toppling all the books and ornament and a large bronze bust of Jesus Christ on to the head of the Novice Sister Saint Unlucky. And the compare shouts out? wait for it, "One Nun dead and Eightyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" Regards, Danny Edited January 12, 2011 by BIGDAN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magic Fills the Air Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 (edited) Hitler's not a happy camper: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0rxASx1SxY http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gVfwEnf_6g&feature=related Edited January 12, 2011 by Magic Fills the Air Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beetleron Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BIGDAN Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) A teacher tells her class she's a United fan. The class agrees with her except one little girl. When asked who she likes the girl said City, the teacher asked why and the girl said "because my mommy and daddy are fans". The teacher replies "that's no reason to like them, what if your dad was an idiot and your mom was a moron then what would you be?" The little girl replied back, "a United fan". Edited January 24, 2011 by BIGDAN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leddy Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ What do you call a vampire with Asthma ???? .....................................................Vlad the Inhaler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BIGDAN Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ What do you call a vampire with Asthma ???? .....................................................Vlad the Inhaler Like it Leddy, Right, what do you call a Spartan with a tampon on his head? Abzorber the Greek. Kind Regards, Danny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leddy Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Like it Leddy, Right, what do you call a Spartan with a tampon on his head? Abzorber the Greek. Kind Regards, Danny You F***er have to top my one...PMSL Ok more Vampire jokes..............What do you call a vampire with a buisness ???..............................Vlad the retailer... I have hundreds more Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BIGDAN Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) You F***er have to top my one...PMSL Ok more Vampire jokes..............What do you call a vampire with a buisness ???..............................Vlad the retailer... I have hundreds more I wanna hear them Leddy, all of them. What do you call a Vampire with Horns that Leaps around a lot? Vlad the Impala. Kind Regards, Danny PS, I just made that one up on the spur mate. Edited January 24, 2011 by BIGDAN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leddy Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 My jokes are the pits though mate,^^^^^ How about the magic tractor that goes down the road and turns into a field Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi_Zep_Fan87 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) While we are still on the subject of vampires It never pays to be a vampire! Edited January 25, 2011 by Kiwi_Zep_Fan87 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fool In The Rain 60 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Alan...When I grow up, I'm going to marry the girl next door. Harry...Lovley! Do you fancy her, then? Alan...Not really, but I'm not allowed to cross the road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khandie Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) Sorry it's so small. Edited January 25, 2011 by Khandie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BIGDAN Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Sorry it's so small. Hi Khandie, I hope you don't say that to all your boyfriends. Can you blow up those photos please? and I don't mean Regards, Danny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magic Fills the Air Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi_Zep_Fan87 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) Edited January 26, 2011 by Kiwi_Zep_Fan87 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austrian_zeppelin Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 on that note....what a penis Non-Football Story Of The Day 'Andreas Muller, 39, has gone to extreme lengths to win himself a car - having the word 'Mini' tattooed on to his penis. The crazy German decided to have the rather painful tattoo after a radio station ran a competition to win a £20,000 Mini Cooper. The brief: whoever pulled the craziest stunt to get the car would win. Unsurprisingly, Muller's offer to have the car manufacturer's name branded on to his penis topped the list of crazy suggestions. 'There were a lot of crazy stunts put forward by listeners, but Andreas won by a short head,' said one of the competition's organisers. Radio listeners were then treated to Muller's cries of agony while the unique piece of branding was created. Muller claims the pain was worth it, saying: 'Once I'm sitting in the car, it won't matter anymore. Then the pain will be gone and it'll be alright.' It has not been reported whether or not Mr Muller has a girlfriend' - Metro. the stupidity of people really knows no boundaries me thinks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi_Zep_Fan87 Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 on that note....what a penis I do love my share of dirty jokes once in a while! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fool In The Rain 60 Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi_Zep_Fan87 Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 Damn! Magic, now look what you've made me do! Thanks to you, I am now rather obsessed with dirty old women! Stay tuned for some weird old women type jokes! I'm on a role today, that's for sure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi_Zep_Fan87 Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 A retired woman calls 911 on her cellphone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries. The dispatcher replies reassuringly, "Don't worry, ma'am. An officer is on his way." A few minutes later, the dispatched officer calls in. "Disregard." He says. "She got into the back seat by mistake." _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Two elderly ladies, Ethel and Martha, had been the best of friends for over 50 years. Over the decades they had spent together, they had worked together, lived next door to each other, and even vacationed together with their husbands. In their golden years, they would meet every afternoon to play cards. One day, as they were wrapping up a game of pinochle, Ethel looks at Martha sheepishly and says , "Now please don't get angry with me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't seem to remember your name! I've been wracking my brain for the past hour but it still escapes me. Please remind a forgetful old lady!" Martha glares angrily at her. For five minutes, she doesn't speak, only giving her friend stares of disappointment. Finally, Martha asks, "How soon do you need to know?" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Three sisters, aged 81, 83 and 85, live together. One night the 85 year old draws a bath for herself. As she sticks her foot in, she pauses. She yells to her sisters downstairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 83 year old shouts back loudly, "I don't know. Let me come up there and see." She begins walking up the stairs, but then pauses . She yells to her sisters "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 81 year old is sitting in the living room, enjoying some tea. She listens to her sisters, shakes her head and mutters to herself, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful. Knock on wood." She then turns and shouts, "I'll come up there and help both of you as soon as I see who's knocking at the door." ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fool In The Rain 60 Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 If 4 out of 5 people suffer from Diarrhoea .... does that mean that 1 in 5 enjoys it. If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leddy Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Nice one This makes you proud to British or not depending your point of view , this man single handedly has given us more gaffes and faux pars than anyone, read and weep with either laughter or exasperation at "MR SLITTY EYES" himself "Prince Philip" International diplomacy is not Prince Philip's strong suit The Duke of Edinburgh During a state visit to China in 1986, he famously told a group of British students: "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed". And speaking to a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland, he asked: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?". Other eyebrow-raising pronouncements have included: •Still throwing spears? (Question put to an Australian Aborigine during a visit in March 2002) •"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." (during the 1981 recession) •"If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" (in 1996, amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting) •"Bloody silly fool!" (in 1997, referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who failed to recognise him) •"It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." (in 1999, referring to an old-fashioned fuse box in a factory near Edinburgh) •"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." (in 1999, to young deaf people in Cardiff, referring to a school's steel band) •"You are a woman, aren't you?" (in 1984, in Kenya, to a native woman who had presented him with a small gift) •"Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease." (in 1992 in Australia, when asked to stroke a Koala bear) •"You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly." (in 1993, to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary) •"Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" (in 1994, to an islander in the Cayman Islands) •"You managed not to get eaten, then?" (in 1998, to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea) •"If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." (at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magic Fills the Air Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Nice one This makes you proud to British or not depending your point of view , this man single handedly has given us more gaffes and faux pars than anyone, read and weep with either laughter or exasperation at "MR SLITTY EYES" himself "Prince Philip" International diplomacy is not Prince Philip's strong suit The Duke of Edinburgh During a state visit to China in 1986, he famously told a group of British students: "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed". And speaking to a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland, he asked: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?". Other eyebrow-raising pronouncements have included: •Still throwing spears? (Question put to an Australian Aborigine during a visit in March 2002) •"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." (during the 1981 recession) •"If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" (in 1996, amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting) •"Bloody silly fool!" (in 1997, referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who failed to recognise him) •"It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." (in 1999, referring to an old-fashioned fuse box in a factory near Edinburgh) •"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." (in 1999, to young deaf people in Cardiff, referring to a school's steel band) •"You are a woman, aren't you?" (in 1984, in Kenya, to a native woman who had presented him with a small gift) •"Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease." (in 1992 in Australia, when asked to stroke a Koala bear) •"You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly." (in 1993, to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary) •"Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" (in 1994, to an islander in the Cayman Islands) •"You managed not to get eaten, then?" (in 1998, to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea) •"If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." (at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting) Good old Prince Philip, may he live to a very old age so he can keep entertaining us with his priceless gaffes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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