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Flying onward...

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whiskey you cow.” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, “And get me another whiskey you bitch.” Quite upset,the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach. “I've asked you twice for coffee. Go and get it now, or I'll give you a slap.”

Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can't fly, you're a cheeky bastard.”

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Blonde in First Class...

In a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first-class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first-class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first-class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first-class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first-class section wasn't going to New York."

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Chucky chucky chucky, wooooo hooo.

Young and Foolish

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess."

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Hey I think I saw your act someplace else, but you had a plastic bag on your head instead.

Yeah, I think it was in New Jersey.

chucky, chucky CHUCKY BABY!

Yeah, tough crowd, tough crowd. Man on man oooooooo humina humina brrrr, cold too.

One heckler claimed I was his mamma, I was about "In the bag," anyways. And the fucking Stacey twins were swapping bags and on with the tomatoes just prior to me. The super glue plot they devised came off as planned and my boogers still smell like The Daytona 500 on warm days.

Good thing...

for you and Nurse Ratchett being there with the ink pen huh? I was turning blue.

Thank you Del :wave: Good thing the K.Y. Jelly didn't leak instead of the glue eh?

:bagoverhead:

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chucky, chucky CHUCKY BABY!

Yeah, tough crowd, tough crowd. Man on man oooooooo humina humina brrrr, cold too.

One heckler claimed I was his mamma, I was about "In the bag," anyways. And the fucking Stacey twins were swapping bags and on with the tomatoes just prior to me. The super glue plot they devised came off as planned and my boogers still smell like The Daytona 500 on warm days.

Good thing...

for you and Nurse Ratchett being there with the ink pen huh? I was turning blue.

Thank you Del :wave: Good thing the K.Y. Jelly didn't leak instead of the glue eh?

:bagoverhead:

I don't use KY, I just slobber a lot first and then move it around in ever increasing circles until all bases are covered.

I learned that trick from Hindu Priest

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseacti...ideoID=13293829

What's the difference between a tangerine and a lemon?

:bagoverhead:

I don't know, what's the differnce?

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From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Edited by Speed Racer
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I don't use KY, I just slobber a lot first and then move it around in ever increasing circles until all bases are covered.

I learned that trick from Hindu Priest

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseacti...ideoID=13293829

I don't know, what's the differnce?

Jeez. I was asking you Del. I'm the one with the bag on bass ackwards.

:bagoverhead:

chucky chuck CHUCKY, wooooooo hooo.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me’, she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,’How does that feel’?

He replied: ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.’

:lol:

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A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking

drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was

already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. Suddenly he awoke, he

found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are

you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much

to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got

to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his

house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking

around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling

welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,

'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling

inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never

laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops

out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him

and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood

for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming

and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that

ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he

felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife

shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've just shit the bed !!!'

Edited by Reggie29
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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking

drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was

already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. Suddenly he awoke, he

found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are

you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much

to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got

to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his

house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking

around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling

welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,

'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling

inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never

laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops

out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him

and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood

for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming

and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that

ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he

felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife

shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've just shit the bed !!!'

:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:

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  • 2 weeks later...

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said Thyroid problem?’

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said ‘Sticks and stones may break >my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

icon_cool.gif My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

11) If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

16) Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

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A young guy sees a 'topless car wash' and decides to check it out. As he pulls up to some bikini clad babes to pay they tell him to drive his car into the tent for the topless wash. As he pulls in a group of 70 year old men dressed only in speedos begin to wash his car.

:D

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  • 4 weeks later...

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said–”Well yeah, if that’s what they are–I never heard of circle flies.” So the farmer says–”Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass.”

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

:P

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CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent: 12 Calories

Without her consent: 2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands: 8 Calories

With one hand: 12 Calories

With your teeth: 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection: 6 Calories

Without an erection: 3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary: 12 Calories

69 lying down: 78 Calories

69 standing up: 812 Calories

Wheelbarrow: 216 Calories

Doggy Style: 326 Calories

Italian chandelier: 2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:

Real: 112 Calories

Fake: 1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging: 18 Calories

Getting up immediately: 36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately: 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:

20-29 years--36 Calories

30-39 years--80 Calories

40-49 years--124 Calories

50-59 years--1,972 Calories

60-69 years--7,916 Calories

70 and over--Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly...: 32 Calories

In a hurry: 98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door: 5,218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door: 13,521 Calories

Results may vary!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD

Right now, as you read this,

69 Million People are having SEX!

And you're on the computer!!!

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How to tell a guy that his fly is unzipped:

1. "The cucumber has left the salad."

2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."

3. "Your soldier aren’t so unknown now."

4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."

5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"

6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."

8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."

9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"

10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."

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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 40 years,

reunited at a party.. After several drinks, one of the

men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids. The first

guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started

working at a successful company at the bottom of the

barrel. He studied Economics and Business

Administration and soon began to climb the corporate

ladder and now he's the president of the company. He

became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of

the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is

also my pride and joy. He started working for a big

airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in! the company, where

he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that

he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his

birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son

studied in the best universities and became an

engineer. Then he started his own construction company

and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away

something very nice and expensive to his best friend

for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the

fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are

all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the

pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .....What

about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a

living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a

disappointment. '

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my

son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.

His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a

beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet

and a top of the line Mercedes from his three

boyfriends.'

:lol:

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TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE - I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.

"A WITCH ??... WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!"

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