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marolyn
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The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called

The Knob, where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and

could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new

face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted The Knob.

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects

were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn

the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've

developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid

of them.

The doctor looked at her closely and said, ..............Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.

She then said:

Well, I guess there's no point in asking you about the goatee.

:lol:

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  • 2 weeks later...

A Jewish man goes in to an antique shop and asked the shop owner if he has and special sideboards as his wife has always wanted one.

Jewish man. Excuse me sir, have you got any special sideboards in today.

Shop owner. Special you say, well i have this one, its magical!

Jewish man. Magical, what does it do and how much?

Shop owner. Well if you ask it a question i will give you an answer, and its $1000.

Jewish man. $1000, i'll give you $500 if i can ask it a question?

Shop owner. I want $1000 but you can ask it more than one question, is that OK?

Jewish man. OK, right, first question, how many houses does my wife have?

The sideboard jumped up and down three times.

Jewish man. Thats right, very good, second question, how many cars does my wife drive?

The sideboard jumped up and down five times.

Jewish man. Very Very Good, third question, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?

With that the sideboard goes crazy and jumps up and down ten thousand times.

Jewish man. Holy mother of Abraham, how did she get that much money?

With that the sideboard's drawers come down and the legs fall apart.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A man comes home on Christmas Eve and says to his wife,

Man. Come on darling, get your coat on.

Wife. Oh you are nice to me, are we going out tonight then? Somewhere special? A nice meal followed by midnight mass then on to a night club, then a romantic night of passion untill dawn, how thoughtful of you, a perfect husband.

Man. No, i want to turn the central heating off. Boom Boom.

Edited by BIGDAN
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Koala Bear and the Lizard

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint

Koala.jpg

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

Lizard.jpg

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala, where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

"Hey you!"

Croc.jpg

So the koala looked down at him and said,

Koalaandjoint.jpg

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...How much water did you drink?!!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

my chuckle for the day...from a facebook group...

Anti-War, Pro-Kittens

n2207427668_26000.jpg

This group disagrees with the struggle overseas involving american troops, and feels that the American military should not be involved with Iraq in any way, shape or form. Also, the group is very much a pro-kitten group. We accept all kinds of kittens, and believe in equal rights for all kittens (be they black, white, or orange with stripes). Note: this group does not support all ages of cats, as we are only pro-kitten.

FUN FACTS:

4 out of 5 major television news networks prefer kittens to the current administration. 1 out of 5 news networks is Fox News Channel.

*ANTI-WAR, PRO-KITTEN T-SHIRTS*

Thanks to the generosity of one very special group member (Jessica Forrester, Virginai Tech), we now have official t-shirts. These t-shirts are officially liscened by the National Council for the Protection of Kittens from International Warfare (of the NCPKIW, for short). They are available in a myriad of different colors, styles, sizes, etc.

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When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming

and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that

ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he

felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife

shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've just shit the bed !!!'

OMGoodness, do you accept HUGE virtual hugs?

That was too funny.

Actually, considering the joke, this would be more appropo :chickeddance:

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:injured:

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."

The old lady says "Well tell me about them."

The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."

She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."

He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."

The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."

The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."

The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!" The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."

:hysterical: :hysterical:

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I was down Brick Lane today getting my usual Bacon Biegel from the Biegel Bake when i noticed in the shop window a notice that said.

"Scotch Eggs £2"

As i waited outside eating my Bacon Biegel a guy from the Halal Butcher opposite came over and said.

"Bastard, Scotch Eggs £2, ill show them."

There then appeared a sign in the Halal Butchers saying.

"Scotch Eggs £1"

As i turned around the sign in the Beigel Bake window said.

"Scotch Eggs £0.50p"

The same guy from the Halal Butcher came over and shouted.

"Bastard, Scotch Eggs 50p, ill show them."

There then appeared a sign in the Halal Butchers saying.

"Scotch Eggs £0.25p"

As i turned around again the sign in the Beigel Bake window said.

"Scotch Eggs £0.01p"

With that the guy from the Halal Butchers charged passed me carrying a big carving knife and burst in to the Beigel Bake screaming.

"You Bastards, how can you sell Scotch Eggs for 1p, you'll drive us both out of business you fools"

Then a little Jewish guy from behind the counter of the Beigel Bake said.

"We dont sell Scotch Eggs"

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