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Four nuns have just passed their Theology degrees, they are introduced to the mother superior of the convent they will be staying in. They are told to all meet at the swimming pool for their final assignment. They all duly meet with the mother superior and are told that the swimming pool is filled with holy water, and that what they have done before this day is all forgotten and the parts of their body that have been touched by men/women in a romantic fashion have to be bathed and so cleansed. The first lady stoops down and dips her hand into the water explaining that her boyfriend had held hands with her, the second lady dips her hand into the water and washes her thighs, explaining that her boyfriend had touched her thighs accidentally, the third lady takes off her clothes and dives into the pool and starts swimming, with that the fourth lady runs alongside her and shouts Don't piss in that water, I've got to gargle in it!!!!!

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Little Johnny lives on a farm. One morning he comes down and tells his mom he wants breakfast. She reminds her son he can't have breakfast until he feeds the animals.

Angry because his breakfast is delayed, Johnny proceeds to go outside and kick the chicken, then he goes over and kicks the pig, and then runs over and kicks the cow. Then he rushes back in for breakfast. He tells his mom OK.....time for breakfast. Mom informs Johnny she was looking out the window and saw what he did. "You kicked the chicken, so no eggs. You then kicked the pig, so no bacon. Then you went over and kicked the cow, so no milk. No breakfast at all for you young man."

Just then Johnny's father walks into the room and kicks the cat out of his way. Johnny looks at his mom with a smile on his face and says, "You want to tell dad or should I?"

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  • 2 weeks later...

My son posted this on Facebook, and it made me LOL.

What's the laziest thing you've ever done? I can't top this crap.

"I was once on a US Military Ship having breakfast in the wardroom (Officer's Lounge) when the Operations Officer (OPS) walks in. This guy was the definition of NOT a morning person; he's still half asleep, bleary eyed... basically a zombie with a bagel. He sits down across from me to eat his bagel and is just barely conscious. My back is to the outboard side of the ship, and the morning sun is blazing in one of the portholes putting a big bright circle of light right on his barely conscious face. He's squinting and chewing and basically just remembering how to be alive for today.

It's painful to watch.

But then, zombie-OPS stops chewing, slowly picks up the phone, and dials the bridge.

In his well-known I'm-still-totally-asleep voice, he says, "heeeeey. It's OPS. Could you... shift our barpat... yeah, one six five. Thanks"

And puts the phone down.

And then he just sits there.



And then, ever so slowly, I realize that that big blazing spot of sun has begun to slide off the zombie's face and onto the wall behind him. After a moment it clears his face and he blinks slowly a few times and the brilliant beauty of what I've just witnessed begins to overwhelm me. By ordering the bridge to adjust the ship's back-and-forth patrol by about 15 degrees, he's changed our course just enough to reposition the sun off of his face. He's literally just redirected thousands of tons of steel and hundreds of people so that he could get the sun out of his eyes while he eats his bagel.

I am in awe.

He slowly picks up his bagel and for a moment I'm terrified at the thought that his own genius may escape him, that he may never appreciate the epic brilliance of his laziness (since he's not going to wake up for another hour), but between his next bites he pauses, looks at me, and gives me the faintest sly grin before returning to gnaw slowly on his zombie bagel."

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I have squirrels looking at me through the window from my back deck on some days. Wanting me to bring out the sunflower seeds faster. The cats just stare at them. So used to seeing them and knowing they are not a threat. I go out and put peanuts out, fill the feeder, and put suet in the suet feeders and they bury the fucking nuts faster than a bank robber hides the loot. Then go after the seeds the greedy little freeloaders. Well lets see if my Cardinal is back. The Blue Jays are gone? Maybe for the season?

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