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In Ireland a man went into a bar and ordered three beers. Night after night he would order three beers.
At one point the bartender asked him why he always ordered three, and the man explained that he had two brothers, one in America and one in Australia, and they made a pact that each time one of them would drink a beer, he would also drink two others in memory of his two brothers.
This went on night after night for several months, and many of the customers were quite touched by this.
Then one night, to everyone's amazement and sorrow, the man ordered only two beers.
Finally one man came over to him to offer his condolences for the death of his brother. To his surprise, the man told him that both his brothers were alive and quite well.
When asked why he then ordered only two beers, the man replied: "I decided to stop drinking."

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Jesus is captured by a baying mob and thrown into a hole in preparation for stoning, he looks up at the crowd and says "Let he amongst you who is without sin cast the first stone" there is a silence within the crowd, then someone shuffles through the crowd and Splat a rock hits him on the head. Dazed and bloodied he looks up and says "Mother, sometimes you make me sick"

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My wife packed my bags for me today and threw them on the front garden, she said I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard. I said so now you want me to stay then.

A son asked his Dad if it was true that in some parts of the world a man does not even know his wife until he gets married. The Father replied it's like that all .over the world.

I'm knackered, I spent two hours defrosting the fridge last night........she calls it foreplay!!

My wife and I have been suffering severe depression for a long time now, so we made a pact to both commit suicide. When she killed herself I felt strangely better, so I thought f*ck it I'll just soldier on.

Sorry ladies!!!!!

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I was at the checkout in Tescos last night, I'd done the monthly shop so the trolley was full to the brim, a little old man stood behind me with just a bottle of milk. I said to him I that all you've got, smiling he said Yes....I said well you'd better go to another till cos I'm going to be here for a while.

I also got ripped off by Amazon, I spent £50 on a penis enlarger....the bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Edited by Plantpothead
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