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marolyn

Make me laugh!

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Some great additions here,

I have one

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George W. Bush was invited over, on an assignment, with the Queen of England.

She made him come to a royal dinner one evening and she shared some knowledge with him.

"You know what I do to test the quick wit and intelligence of my cabinet?" The Queen asks, "I ask them riddles when they least expect it. Allow me to show you."

The Queen of England looks to Tony Blair and asks him, "Your mother and your father just had a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

"I know that one, it's me, it's me!" Tony Blair eagerly replies

George W. Bush thought it'd be a great idea to try back in the States.

Upon his return, he told his advisor the joke. The advisor didn't understand the joke, so he was commanded by George Bush to find the answer.

He faxed all of the White House, he faxed every member in Congress. He even went to the Supreme Court. He went to each bureaucracy. He even asked each member of these organizations individually. He still couldn't find the answer.

The last person he asked was Secretary of State, Colin Powell.

Colin Powell regarded, "You stupid b*st*rds, the answer is me. IT'S ME!"

The advisor rushed back to George Bush and excitedly stated, "Mr. President, we finally know the answer. The answer is Secretary of State, Colin Powell"

"No it's not," George W. Bush replied incredulously, "The answer is Tony Blair, you dumb f*cks!"

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The Love Letter

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife, XXXv

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Atruck.jpg

P.S. Your Girlfriend Called!

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The Love Letter

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife, XXXv

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Atruck.jpg

P.S. Your Girlfriend Called!

:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:

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Three guys are applying for jobs with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail."

The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn`t go through with it. The director says, "you fail."

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death." B)

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The Ladies' Room

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of

women, so you smile politely and take your place.. Once it's your

turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is

occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving

the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has

been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the

modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy,

but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was

one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around

your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the

FLOOR! yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe

the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you

discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you

can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to

clean the seat, you would have realized there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake

more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the

one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,

that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the

same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way

possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail Someone pushes your

door open because the latch doesn't work.. The door hits

your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,

and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the

toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping

your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose

your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET

SEAT.. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's

too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and

life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -

not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your

mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain

her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,

dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By his time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so

confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire

hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water

that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab

onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in

too.

At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the

wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper

you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the

sinks. You can't figure outhow to operate the faucets with the automatic

sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and

walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very

end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your

shoe. (Where was that when you needed it?

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand

and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this..

As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and

left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long,

and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms

(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men

what really does take us so long. It also answers their other

commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.

It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and

hand you Kleenex under the door!

:lol:

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Dog Story

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

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LOVE IT!

here's one

This bloke is hired to transport the penguins from the Adelade Zoo to the Perth Zoo (in Australia)...

he gets to a long stretch of road (across the Australian bite) and he looks at the temperature of the back fridge (housing the penguins) and it is getting higher!

he keeps driving but when the temp reaches 35oC he stops to check it out.

He gets to the back and opens it up to find the penguins panting for their lives!!

Luckily just then another truck pulls up - the same as his - with a working fridge!

So the second driver steps out and asks what is up and after a bit of a chat he agrees to take the penguins to the perth zoo in the back of his truck.

The first driver finally gets to perth and decides to see some sights...

He is walking down the mall and he sees the second driver with all these penguins following.

he yells at him "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THOSE PENGUINS TO THE ZOO!"

and the second driver replies "I did but then they wanted ice-cream and now they want to see a movie!"

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A man calls a lawyers office.

The phone is answered: 'Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz!'

The man says: 'Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz!'

'I'm sorry, he's on vacation!'

'Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz!'

'He's on a big case, won't be back for a week!'

'Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz!'

'He's playing golf today!'

'Okay, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz!'

'Speaking!'

B)

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A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend

the night with her for $500. They did their thing,

and, before he left, he told her that he did

not have any cash with him, but he would have his

secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling

the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

>>

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had

done, realizing that the whole event had not been

worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque

for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

>>

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your

apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,

because when I rented the place, I was under the

impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately

returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

' Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a

beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you

know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of

regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture

to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced

to contact your present landlady.'

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The Ladies' Room

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of

women, so you smile politely and take your place.. Once it's your

turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is

occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving

the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has

been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the

modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy,

but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was

one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around

your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the

FLOOR! yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe

the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you

discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you

can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to

clean the seat, you would have realized there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake

more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the

one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,

that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the

same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way

possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail Someone pushes your

door open because the latch doesn't work.. The door hits

your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,

and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the

toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping

your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose

your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET

SEAT.. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's

too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and

life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -

not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your

mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain

her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,

dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By his time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so

confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire

hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water

that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab

onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in

too.

At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the

wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper

you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the

sinks. You can't figure outhow to operate the faucets with the automatic

sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and

walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very

end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your

shoe. (Where was that when you needed it?

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand

and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this..

As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and

left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long,

and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms

(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men

what really does take us so long. It also answers their other

commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.

It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and

hand you Kleenex under the door!

:lol:

classic!

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