eternal light Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 I'm a jerk and probably need to go on anti-anxiety medication. Look for some easy ways to relieve tension and The Relaxation Response is a simple practice that once learned takes 10 to 20 minutes a day and can relieve the stress and tension that stands between you and a richer and healthier life. The technique was developed by Herbert Benson, M.D. at Harvard Medical School, tested extensively and written up in his book entitled The Relaxation Response. Set aside 10 or 20 minutes today and try it. The following is the technique taken verbatim from his book. Sit quietly in a comfortable position. Close your eyes. Deeply relax all your muscles, beginning at your feet and progressing up to your face. Keep them relaxed. Breathe through your nose. Become aware of your breathing. As you breathe out, say the word, "ONE", silently to yourself. For example, breathe IN ... OUT, "ONE",- IN .. OUT, "ONE", etc. Breathe easily and naturally. Continue for 10 to 20 minutes. You may open your eyes to check the time, but do not use an alarm. When you finish, sit quietly for several minutes, at first with your eyes closed and later with your eyes opened. Do not stand up for a few minutes.. . Do not worry about whether you are successful in achieving a deep level of relaxation. Maintain a passive attitude and permit relaxation to occur at its own pace. When distracting thoughts occur, try to ignore them by not dwelling upon them and return to repeating "ONE." With practice, the response should come with little effort. practice the technique once or twice daily, but not within two hours after any meal, since the digestive processes seem to interfere with the elicitation of the Relaxation Response. - The Relaxation Response, Herbert Benson, M.D. hrop.ucop.edu/employees/eap/relaxation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Bill Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Was what you said true? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spats Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Yeah, I just did apologize. She said she is taking the dog and going to a dog friendly bed and breakfast at the beach for a few days. I'm a jerk and probably need to go on anti-anxiety medication. Who started it? You or her? If she started it up with you then you don't really have anything to apologize for. If you started it then you should. At least you were the one that stayed in the house. A lot of times you see the guys buckle and allow the women to tell them to leave and the guy has to stay at a hotel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babs Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Who started it? You or her? If she started it up with you then you don't really have anything to apologize for. If you started it then you should. At least you were the one that stayed in the house. A lot of times you see the guys buckle and allow the women to tell them to leave and the guy has to stay at a hotel. He's good...The guy is good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 He's good...The guy is good. I was just going to say, don't listen to that guy! He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about! ROFL But--I guess if you do buy into his "advice," you deserve whatever you get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Mainly it's important to take a lesson from the dog. He doesn't argue with her and he doesn't say mean things to her. He just wags his tail and wants to play Frisbee on the beach, on top of giving her unconditional approval regardless of how wrong she is. That's why the dog is there and you are not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spats Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Mainly it's important to take a lesson from the dog. He doesn't argue with her and he doesn't say mean things to her. He just wags his tail and wants to play Frisbee on the beach, on top of giving her unconditional approval regardless of how wrong she is. That's why the dog is there and you are not. I hope you are kidding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 ^but doesn't that mean that he should never argue with her? I don't think so. I think that couples who don't have an occasional agreement end up the most miserable. I"m not talking about arguments being full blown fights, I'm talking about them being a partner speaking up for their beliefs and their feelings when they feel like they need to be expressed. It's natural fo people to have a disagreement. It just matters in the way you handle them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spats Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 ^but doesn't that mean that he should never argue with her? I don't think so. I think that couples who don't have an occasional agreement end up the most miserable. I"m not talking about arguments being full blown fights, I'm talking about them being a partner speaking up for their beliefs and their feelings when they feel like they need to be expressed. It's natural fo people to have a disagreement. It just matters in the way you handle them. Exactly. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing. But big arguments are just dumb. Ex girlfriends actually wanted me to argue with them and even tried to get me to argue with them. I guess in some warped way they thought it would show to them that i care about them. My buddies wives and girlfriends are the same way. But you can disagree in a civilized way and be done with it. Shouting is not needed. But Eternal Light seemed to be saying he should just smile and unconditionally approve of everything she does. That's not right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Footsteps of Dawn Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Why don't you go to counseling, man? That's what they always tell everybody to do in Dear Abby, and it sounds like a good idea to me. I mean, I've never been, but I'm guessing they'll teach you all kinds of strategies to keep this from turning into a recurring pattern (is that redundant?). It just seems like if you guys are to the point where she's leaving and taking the dog, you could use a little outside guidance. That's my 2 cents, anyway! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bong-Man Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 ^but doesn't that mean that he should never argue with her? I don't think so. I think that couples who don't have an occasional agreement end up the most miserable. I"m not talking about arguments being full blown fights, I'm talking about them being a partner speaking up for their beliefs and their feelings when they feel like they need to be expressed. It's natural fo people to have a disagreement. It just matters in the way you handle them. I've got you figured......You're just thinking that without a fight, there's no outstanding make-up sex after. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 I hope you are kidding. I would say the dog has the problem aced. Exactly. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing. But big arguments are just dumb. Ex girlfriends actually wanted me to argue with them and even tried to get me to argue with them. I guess in some warped way they thought it would show to them that i care about them. My buddies wives and girlfriends are the same way. But you can disagree in a civilized way and be done with it. Shouting is not needed. But Eternal Light seemed to be saying he should just smile and unconditionally approve of everything she does. That's not right. Although it is somewhat likely that while angry, hurt and upset she may be open to hearing the details of her imperfections, there might be a more diplomatic way of explaining those flaws to her. Again, the dog would know exactly how to handle this problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotplant Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Not knowing the particulars, if I was in your shoes I would shut down the pc, go down and tidy up the house, do some of the things she has been asking you to do, decorate the house and more importantly the bedroom, with flowers, candles, even change the sheets and make the bed with rose petals on the top. A bottle of the best champange....chilled bedside. A big knarly dog bone from the butcher to keep fido out of the bedroom. Set a fancy table with candles and have ready strawberries ready to dip in choclate, and a handwritten note of what she means to you. To start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brspled Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Not knowing the particulars, if I was in your shoes I would shut down the pc, go down and tidy up the house, do some of the things she has been asking you to do, decorate the house and more importantly the bedroom, with flowers, candles, even change the sheets and make the bed with rose petals on the top. A bottle of the best champange....chilled bedside. A big knarly dog bone from the butcher to keep fido out of the bedroom. Set a fancy table with candles and have ready strawberries ready to dip in choclate, and a handwritten note of what she means to you. To start. HP....that'd be fantastic if ANY man did something like that, but I think your expectations are too high, I fear. The average men have the biggest difficulties even in phrasing the word "sorry".... But a good talk, some flowers and sincere excuses might work miracles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spats Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 I would say the dog has the problem aced. Although it is somewhat likely that while angry, hurt and upset she may be open to hearing the details of her imperfections, there might be a more diplomatic way of explaining those flaws to her. Again, the dog would know exactly how to handle this problem. The same animal that licks it's twig and two berries and eats it's own crap? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spats Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Not knowing the particulars, if I was in your shoes I would shut down the pc, go down and tidy up the house, do some of the things she has been asking you to do, decorate the house and more importantly the bedroom, with flowers, candles, even change the sheets and make the bed with rose petals on the top. A bottle of the best champange....chilled bedside. A big knarly dog bone from the butcher to keep fido out of the bedroom. Set a fancy table with candles and have ready strawberries ready to dip in choclate, and a handwritten note of what she means to you. To start. Oh Brother. Let's find out if she played a roll in the argument before he does that soap opera routine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Oh Brother. Let's find out if she played a roll in the argument before he does that soap opera routine. Hypothetically speaking, let's consider it to be a given that she may have been a little less than perfect. Hotplant's ideas may still prove to be persuasive and conducive to an improved outlook for the relationship, depending on how the two interact in the future. Her suggestions may help him to visualize an appropriate gesture of goodwill that may help to restore his spouse's sunny disposition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermit_ Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Oh Brother. Let's find out if she played a roll in the argument before he does that soap opera routine. Seeing if he can find a way to blame his wife for his having said "some mean things" to her is your advice, eh spats? [and you wonder why you can't get, or keep, a girlfriend? ] Regardless of whether or not "she played a role in the argument", JehtroTull says he said "some mean things" to his wife; things that were apparently mean enough that she packed up and left home for a few days.. taking the dog with her. It seems he regrets what he said and he now wants to make amends and wants to make things better between he and his wife. So pray tell, Dr Lonely, how exactly would "finding out if she played a role in the argument" help JethroTull at this point? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brspled Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Seeing if he can find a way to blame his wife for his having said "some mean things" to her is your advice, eh spats? [and you wonder why you can't get, or keep, a girlfriend? ] Regardless of whether or not "she played a role in the argument", JehtroTull says he said "some mean things" to his wife; things that were apparently mean enough that she packed up and left home for a few days.. taking the dog with her. It seems he regrets what he said and he now wants to make amends and wants to make things better between he and his wife. So pray tell, Dr Lonely, how exactly would "finding out if she played a role in the argument" help JethroTull at this point? She took the dog with her?? Somehow I missed it. Wow. Flowers and Chocolate, maybe? Really, nothing will make a miracle, only a good and honest talk. Couples expect way too much from each other, but honesty is still the best policy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosiegirl Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 There is alot of good advice here, these are some of the suggestions that would make me feel better. Call her and let her know that you are truly sorry, and that you understand she needs her space right now. In the mean time, clean up the house, do some laundry, maybe fix some things around the house, that she has been asking you to do for the longest time. Only you know what would really make her happy. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, really SHOW her you are sorry for the things you said. If she is the type of person that likes flowers and candy, then by all means go for it, fill the house with her favourite flowers, and candy. And the next time you feel like saying something mean to her, leave the house and don't come back till you cool off. Remember that once things are said they cant be taken back, and after too many times like these she may not be able to forgive you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spats Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Seeing if he can find a way to blame his wife for his having said "some mean things" to her is your advice, eh spats? [and you wonder why you can't get, or keep, a girlfriend? ] Regardless of whether or not "she played a role in the argument", JehtroTull says he said "some mean things" to his wife; things that were apparently mean enough that she packed up and left home for a few days.. taking the dog with her. It seems he regrets what he said and he now wants to make amends and wants to make things better between he and his wife. So pray tell, Dr Lonely, how exactly would "finding out if she played a role in the argument" help JethroTull at this point? because if she played a role in it or started it then he shouldn't have to bow down hoping she forgives him. Because then they both contributed to it. Now this is only if that's the case. He didn't really go into details. He just said what he did.We don't know if she said some mean things to him or not. Now if he was the one that started the whole thing and said some mean things then he should apoloqize to her. Although i wouldn't suggest he turn the whole house upside and buy a store fill of roses for her. Just say you are sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 because if she played a role in it or started it then he shouldn't have to bow down hoping she forgives him. Because then they both contributed to it. Now this is only if that's the case. He didn't really go into details. He just said what he did.We don't know if she said some mean things to him or not. Now if he was the one that started the whole thing and said some mean things then he should apoloqize to her. Although i wouldn't suggest he turn the whole house upside and buy a store fill of roses for her. Just say you are sorry. And say it nicely, and no he should not have to if it is not his fault, and he doesn't have to. But he may want to have a happy spouse at home. Chances are he does what keeps her happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spats Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 And say it nicely, and no he should not have to if it is not his fault, and he doesn't have to. But he may want to have a happy spouse at home. Chances are he does what keeps her happy. And hopefully she is doing the same. It should be equal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babs Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 The same animal that licks it's twig and two berries and eats it's own crap? Huh? Twig and two berries? C'mon.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JethroTull Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 My wife (a teacher) is off for the summer. Yesterday, she lounged on our back deck for a couple of hours relaxing, reading, having a snack. She knows my job lately is murder. I came home (beaten down) from work and she starts dropping hints about me cooking dinner. That just started it.....I do A LOT around the house, CLEANING, a recent painting project, lawn care and being the PRIMARY care giver to our dog. THE DOG SHE WANTED. It was not necessary for me to lose it and I did apologize and told her how much I love her. I also explained to her (again) the stress of Information Technology work. My company is short staffed and IT people are expected to be magicians, pulling rabbits out of hats and working at breakneck speed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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