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sirchris

Ask Auntie: Advice Clinic.

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dear auntie,

i have a sore throat and it hurts to swallow...what should i do???

...marolyn

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dear auntie,

i have a sore throat and it hurts to swallow...what should i do???

...marolyn

Dear Marolyn,

If it didn't hurt it wouldn't be worth doing. Try easing it in slowly until you become comfortable with the pain.

Lots of love,

Auntie.

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Dear Marolyn,

If it didn't hurt it wouldn't be worth doing. Try easing it in slowly until you become comfortable with the pain.

Lots of love,

Auntie.

worked like a charm...thanks auntie!

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dear auntie:

my chances of a career in a public-serving local political office are being sullied due to the presence of some old and never gonna go away photos of me with my one-time fiance/goat. i loved her but these photos show nothing (but disrespect). not to mention the deplorable photoshopping! ding-a-ling would butt the front grill of a moving rolls royce if she were alive to see what was happening. not to mention, what does this have to do with my ability to perform as sanitation vice-lord?

awaiting your always astute advice.

ps....please don't ask to see the photos-they would gumm up my scanner.....

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dear auntie:

my chances of a career in a public-serving local political office are being sullied due to the presence of some old and never gonna go away photos of me with my one-time fiance/goat. i loved her but these photos show nothing (but disrespect). not to mention the deplorable photoshopping! ding-a-ling would butt the front grill of a moving rolls royce if she were alive to see what was happening. not to mention, what does this have to do with my ability to perform as sanitation vice-lord?

awaiting your always astute advice.

ps....please don't ask to see the photos-they would gumm up my scanner.....

Dear Beatbo,

Having been in the same boat (I was snapped accidently penetrating a barn owl as i stumbled on an uneven paving slab at the Festival Park Owl Sanctuary a number of years ago.) I can understand the reprocussions a completely innocent incident like this can have. Of course, the local press will be merciless and you cannot expect sympathy from friends and family but you have to remain strong. Your history of bestiality will surely count against you, as the narrow minded nature of the public at large just doesn't seem to understand that you can't help who (or what) you fall in love with. A love between a man and a goat is sacred and don't let anyone tell you any otherwise.

Now about those pictures....

Lots of love,

Auntie.

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QUOTE (beatbo @ Jun 22 2008, 08:35 PM)

dear auntie:

my chances of a career in a public-serving local political office are being sullied due to the presence of some old and never gonna go away photos of me with my one-time fiance/goat. i loved her but these photos show nothing (but disrespect). not to mention the deplorable photoshopping! ding-a-ling would butt the front grill of a moving rolls royce if she were alive to see what was happening. not to mention, what does this have to do with my ability to perform as sanitation vice-lord?

awaiting your always astute advice.

ps....please don't ask to see the photos-they would gumm up my scanner.....

Dear Beatbo,

Having been in the same boat (I was snapped accidently penetrating a barn owl as i stumbled on an uneven paving slab at the Festival Park Owl Sanctuary a number of years ago.) I can understand the reprocussions a completely innocent incident like this can have. Of course, the local press will be merciless and you cannot expect sympathy from friends and family but you have to remain strong. Your history of bestiality will surely count against you, as the narrow minded nature of the public at large just doesn't seem to understand that you can't help who (or what) you fall in love with. A love between a man and a goat is sacred and don't let anyone tell you any otherwise.

Now about those pictures....

Lots of love,

Auntie.

dear auntie,

thank you so much for your crucial advice. i've withdrawn from the race and i'm coming out of the barnshed! my conscience is clear and my acne is clearing up, too! as i type these words, my plans have already been set to visit the local petting zoo-one must get there first thing in the morning to have the best 'nibbles'. hats off to you!

beatbo

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dear auntie,

thank you so much for your crucial advice. i've withdrawn from the race and i'm coming out of the barnshed! my conscience is clear and my acne is clearing up, too! as i type these words, my plans have already been set to visit the local petting zoo-one must get there first thing in the morning to have the best 'nibbles'. hats off to you!

beatbo

Anytime gorgeous, anytime.

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Richard,a close relative of mine,has become a bit lazy of late.My wife is concerned as well.He's hanging a little left of center.I generally hang to the right.No amount of talk has straightened him out yet.Richard does have much to contribute locally.Take the politics out?What to do?

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Richard,a close relative of mine,has become a bit lazy of late.My wife is concerned as well.He's hanging a little left of center.I generally hang to the right.No amount of talk has straightened him out yet.Richard does have much to contribute locally.Take the politics out?What to do?

Dear Jabe,

I find extremely tight PVC hot pants tend to sort the old 'hanging to the left or right' problem. They restrict movement and generally keep your member central. If you are having trouble 'straightening out' why not try medical help ie. Viagra.

Lots of love,

Auntie.

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Dear Jabe,

I find extremely tight PVC hot pants tend to sort the old 'hanging to the left or right' problem. They restrict movement and generally keep your member central. If you are having trouble 'straightening out' why not try medical help ie. Viagra.

Lots of love,

Auntie.

Thanks for the sage advice auntie.I'm glad you are available to dispense wisdom to those of us in need.

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Dear Auntie;

I am going to be turning 50 years old in a few days. This has been tough for me to deal with, but I guess being old beats the hell out of being dead. I have a question. On my birthday should I browse the internet looking for gravestones or get blitzed downtown and spend money on strippers?

Yours truly,

Clueless in Coon Rapids

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Dear Auntie;

I am going to be turning 50 years old in a few days. This has been tough for me to deal with, but I guess being old beats the hell out of being dead. I have a question. On my birthday should I browse the internet looking for gravestones or get blitzed downtown and spend money on strippers?

Yours truly,

Clueless in Coon Rapids

I visited your area on business last year, and was extremely disappointed in the strip club offerings.

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Dear Auntie;

I am going to be turning 50 years old in a few days. This has been tough for me to deal with, but I guess being old beats the hell out of being dead. I have a question. On my birthday should I browse the internet looking for gravestones or get blitzed downtown and spend money on strippers?

Yours truly,

Clueless in Coon Rapids

Dear Fenderguy (sorry for the delay),

50? It's a minor medical miracle in itself that you have survived this long. My advice would be to find a warm, damp corner (to aid the decompostion of your corpse) somewhere, maybe on an abandoned industrial estate, and await the gentle goodnight. You have little to offer this world anymore and your family are tired of having to wipe the saliva from your chin every evening as you gum your way through a pack of Rich Teas. You would be lifting a tremendous burden from your loved ones.

Lots of Love,

Auntie.

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Dear Cecil,

It sounds to me like your relationship has run it's course. My advice to you would be to cut all ties with your wife, friends and children if you have any and move to Berlin. I have a few friends in the Friedrichshain district who are looking for 'housemates'. You could even open your own leather and bondage club/shop.

Lots of love,

Auntie.

Thank you auntie,

All that rope and chain stuff while it might be a idea , could you advise renting a skip(for the clutter, not mrs Cecil...

)

After seeing the clutter being hung upside down by my nipples is preferable .

hopefully.....Cecil

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I gotta try this :D

Dear Auntie,

I wish I could go out more, but I'm stuck here under the force of my parents, having to do chores all day. My friends are always hanging out somewhere and then bragging about it in school, and I get pretty damn lonely and annoyed.

Sincerely,

Loser Stuck in Bedroom :P

Edited by DeepBlackZeppelin

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I gotta try this :D

Dear Auntie,

I wish I could go out more, but I'm stuck here under the force of my parents, having to do chores all day. My friends are always hanging out somewhere and then bragging about it in school, and I get pretty damn lonely and annoyed.

Sincerely,

Loser Stuck in Bedroom :P

Sorry for the delay guys, been off on my jollies.

Dear DeepBlackZeppelin,

Have you ever thought about inventing your own friends? I have assembled a small group of close knit imaginary friends who keep me company. There's Captain Stout (who is a demolition expert), Field Sergeant Ricketts (a retired soldier who lost a hand in the Crimean war) and Manboy Joseph(who has the body of a fully grown man but the head and feet of a four year old boy). We tend to go on picnics and trips to local museums together and the best part is, they don't have to pay for admission!

Lots of love,

Auntie.

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Dear Auntie,

What does one do on a hot, quiet summer night? I spent the bulk of the day watering the bare spots in the lawn for entertainment and am in a quandary as to what to do for the next few minutes before drifting off into dreamland.

Warmest regards,

EL

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Dear Auntie,

What does one do on a hot, quiet summer night? I spent the bulk of the day watering the bare spots in the lawn for entertainment and am in a quandary as to what to do for the next few minutes before drifting off into dreamland.

Warmest regards,

EL

Dear Eternal Light,

As the summer begins and the days get longer, I find I have to wait an age before it is dark enough to go out naked jogging in the woods. In the last few hours of daylight I like to complete a crossword, maybe read a few pamphlets about the local traditional industries still in operation, prepare a lovely salsa verde or even search the internet for midget-amputee fetish forums. Why not try these as a starting point and see how you get on?

Lots of love,

Auntie.

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Dear Auntie,

How do I get the pigeons to stop flying near me in Old Market Square?

Kthanxbye

Dear Longdistancewinner,

This is fairly simple, smother yourself in faeces. Stops pidgeons and those pesky charity clipboard nazis from approaching you.

Lots of love,

Auntie.

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Dear Auntie,

How do I get the pigeons to stop flying near me in Old Market Square?

Kthanxbye

Dear Longdistancewinner,

This is fairly simple, smother yourself in faeces. Stops pidgeons and those pesky charity clipboard nazis from approaching you.

Lots of love,

Auntie.

Better start running.

1383.gif

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Dear Eternal Light,

As the summer begins and the days get longer, I find I have to wait an age before it is dark enough to go out naked jogging in the woods. In the last few hours of daylight I like to complete a crossword, maybe read a few pamphlets about the local traditional industries still in operation, prepare a lovely salsa verde or even search the internet for midget-amputee fetish forums. Why not try these as a starting point and see how you get on?

Lots of love,

Auntie.

Thanks Auntie,

Your advice is a revelation, as always. Mmmmmaybe I'll mull it over while I'm in the shower, carefully.

Hugs,

Eternal

Edited by eternal light

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Dear Longdistancewinner,

This is fairly simple, smother yourself in faeces. Stops pidgeons and those pesky charity clipboard nazis from approaching you.

Lots of love,

Auntie.

Thank you, Auntie.

I'll bear that in mind next time I'm in town.

Love and kisses,

Long Distance Winner

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Aunties back after 1 year to 18 months spent 'away' on bogus charges and The Clinic is back is business.

Any takers?

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Aunties back after 1 year to 18 months spent 'away' on bogus charges and The Clinic is back is business.Any takers?

AUNTIE!!!!!!!!! Where have you been???

KB :)

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