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Dick Cheney's Favourite Day


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Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts

September 1, 2008 | Issue 44•36 The Onion

WASHINGTON—Busy dealing with important paperwork and other vice presidential duties in recent weeks, Dick Cheney was forced to put off until the last minute a cherished annual tradition: gift-shopping for his favorite holiday, 9/11.

"I looked at the calendar yesterday, and I couldn't believe my eyes—9/11 is almost here!" a rosy-cheeked Cheney said upon returning to the White House Sunday with two giant bags overflowing with gift-wrapped boxes and big red bows. "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

While Cheney is known by many to be cold and taciturn for the other 11 months of the year, those close to the vice president say there is something about the 9/11 season that puts a smile on his face and a spring in his step. Each Sept. 11 morning since 2001, Cheney has come to work donning a fireman costume and handed out small, thoughtful gifts to all White House staffers. In addition, at his home on 9/11 Eve, Cheney lays out large piles of presents for his children and grandchildren underneath the colorfully lit, six-foot-tall 9/11 towers that he sets up by the fireplace.

"I think I've outdone myself this year—I bought the president a box of cigars and a brand-new fountain pen, I got Condoleezza [Rice] a beautiful blue blazer, and for my wife [Lynne] I bought a diamond necklace, a new winter coat, and this neat little motorized airplane ornament to hang on the 9/11 towers," Cheney told reporters while perusing the windows of New York's famed Park Avenue shops. "And for [grandson] Samuel I bought about a million toys and games and 9/11 nutcrackers. I probably went a little bit overboard, but it's his first 9/11, and I want it to be as special as my first 9/11."

The vice president then reiterated how fortunate he was to have received his big 9/11 bonus early this year.

Although Cheney himself has never received any Sept. 11 gifts, with the exception of a pair of silk pajamas from his wife and a second term in office, he insisted that he gets more joy from giving than receiving. According to Cheney, Sept. 11 is a time to reflect and give thanks for all the benefits and blessings 9/11 has given him in the past.

Cheney, however, lamented the fact that he has seen a recent decline in the nation's 9/11 spirit.

"I don't know what's happened," Cheney said. "Less than seven years ago, 9/11 seemed like a huge event for every American. Back then, on Sept. 11 morning, everyone would dart downstairs at 8:46 a.m. sharp, shouting and screaming, and the ground outside would be blanketed in the most beautiful gray as far as the eye could see. I especially loved the streets of New York during this season—the lights, the sounds, people rushing every which way, the sidewalks so crowded you could barely move, the wide-eyed looks on the people's faces. The whole New York skyline was lit up like a Christmas tree."

Cheney then sighed happily, adding, "I wish every day were 9/11."

While he's disappointed that so many seem to have forgotten the lessons of his beloved holiday, the vice president said he simply could not stay sad with 9/11 just around the corner. Lynne Cheney told reporters she expects her husband will once again go overboard in his celebrations this year, buying a larger 9/11 front-yard display and making himself sick eating too many broken Pentagon cookies.

"He really gets into it," she said as her husband cheerfully decorated the Blue Room of the White House with pieces of smoldering cinder and charred flesh to recreate the setting of Ground Zero. "I try to tell him that it's just a silly holiday, that he's making a fool out of himself when he goes around shouting 'Happy Sept. 11!' to people while ringing a large bell, but he never listens. He just loves 9/11."

But amid all the decorating and gift-giving, Vice President Cheney is careful not to let all the 9/11 festivities distract him from the deeper significance the day holds.

"Sometimes, in all the hustle and bustle of the season, it's easy to forget the true meaning of Sept. 11," Cheney said. "Sept. 11 is not about fancy 9/11 parades, or big 9/11 office parties. In fact, it's not even just about two buildings crumbling to the ground and leaving thousands of innocent people dead."

"No," Cheney continued. "No, 9/11 is about the warm feeling you get when you help an elderly woman cross the street and then whisper to her that the terrorists can strike at any moment. 9/11 is about the satisfaction of telling people to do things and then them doing it—not because they want to, but because they are afraid to do otherwise. 9/11 is about removing Saddam Hussein from power. But most of all, 9/11 is about love."

Cheney said he plans to spend a quiet Sept. 11 at home this year, during which he will exchange gifts with loved ones and watch his taped VHS footage of the old 9/11 TV specials while he smiles and laughs.

"I have a feeling this is going to be the best Sept. 11 ever," Cheney said with a grin. "I just dread the day I have to tell my kids that 9/11 isn't real."

Cheny shopping for gifts

Happy 9/11 from the Cheney Family

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OMG!!!

I actually heard about the Dick Cheny article in the Onion this morning after a friend of mine in New York called and then sent me this article about a man who went crazy after he read the thing in the Onion.

This is fucking crazy! But I think the guy was pissed off enought to kill eight people over a joke.

MAN ANGRY OVER A RECENT ARTICLE ON 9/11 POSTED BY THE ONION KILLS EIGHT PEOPLE AND WOUNDS FOUR OTHERS.

September 13, 2008

NEW YORK - (AP) A heavily armed 62 year old man stormed past security guards at the offices of The Onion a popular satire based newspaper at 536 Broadway Ave. in New York, killing eight people and wounding four others late Friday afternoon. The man identified by police as James Shelton of Bloomfield New Jersey surrenderd to police and is being held without bail at New York's central jail on charges of murder and attempted murder. According to Lt. Ruben Montez of the NYPD, Shelton has already given a statement to the police investigators and has not asked for a lawyer, although one has been appointed to him.

According to a family friend of Mr. Shelton's who wished to remain anonymous, the trouble began when Shelton was informed of an article which was posted on The Onion's website which included political humor directed at Vice President Dick Cheney over the 9/11 attacks. When Shelton found out about the article he was deeply upset over the content of that article: as it has been reported that Mr. Shelton lost his wife and son (a firefighter for FNDY) in the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001.

more on this article at : http://newstime.com/index/shelton.dph3

edited to fix link. It should connect now

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looks like the joke was on you...keep watching your fox news del!... ;)

Actually the sarcasm was directed at the Onion by me.

Although it would be interesting if a family memer who had somene killed in that terrorist attack really did kill everyone at The Onion wouldn't it? Almost as ironic as someone blowing up an abortion clinic.

Why they would make a joke out of 9/11 attacks only shows just how sick some of these liberal fools really are.

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They're satirizing all the people who *act* like it *is* a holiday. You know all those people who try and make people feel guilty if they don't mourn all day and hold a candlelight vigil. They can't keep on doing it every year, somewhere along the way it goes from a tragedy to a historical event. But I'm not saying that's a good thing, just maybe, a little hypocritical that they don't mourn on the anniversary of other tragic events.

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They're satirizing all the people who *act* like it *is* a holiday. You know all those people who try and make people feel guilty if they don't mourn all day and hold a candlelight vigil. They can't keep on doing it every year, somewhere along the way it goes from a tragedy to a historical event. But I'm not saying that's a good thing, just maybe, a little hypocritical that they don't mourn on the anniversary of other tragic events.

I have taken every September 11 off from work since 2001, and will continue to do so.

Maybe for some of us the pain is still very fresh. I have never forgotten how I felt at the moment those towers came down. Maybe more people should take some time to reflect on that day about just what occured. And maybe they would see how important our efforts in Iraq, Afghaninstan and a few other places still are.

But more power to anyone who spent the day shopping for a new iPod or getting their toe nails done.

And to hell with anyone who thinks the article in The Onion was amusing.

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Yeah, I still don't see the humor in it.

.

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