tsaeb eht Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Hi all, So,how do you feel now? KB i feel that certain people can read my mind iam still a little paranoid when people look at me i still think of the same thing over and over again i just think don't be stupid you are a protector now you gotta protect your daughter no body can do such a thing or can they.. who cares then i set my mind on my daughters face and think of something funny she does she will never know how she has helped me she will know she changed my life but never know she is my medication i could never imagine how much one new life can change some one she is 3 now when she hits 18 i may tell her i can deal with this shit only because she is my doctor i was seeing i psych at a mental illness clinic and i would go 2 times a week then i stopped going due to the birth of my baby girl now 3 yrs gone by i feel like one big fukin rock has been lifted off my back and yes i do feel good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THE FIRST LEDZEP Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~tangerine~ Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 i feel that certain people can read my mind iam still a little paranoid when people look at me i still think of the same thing over and over again i just think don't be stupid you are a protector now you gotta protect your daughter no body can do such a thing or can they.. who cares then i set my mind on my daughters face and think of something funny she does she will never know how she has helped me she will know she changed my life but never know she is my medication i could never imagine how much one new life can change some one she is 3 now when she hits 18 i may tell her i can deal with this shit only because she is my doctor i was seeing i psych at a mental illness clinic and i would go 2 times a week then i stopped going due to the birth of my baby girl now 3 yrs gone by i feel like one big fukin rock has been lifted off my back and yes i do feel good I can't imagine what you have gone through with your illness, but i wish you the best in dealing with it and overcoming it! Reading what you say about your daughter is something i can fully identify with. You are her protector, provider and hero. I'm glad to hear you are doing better and keep it up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Bomber Posted May 9, 2009 Author Share Posted May 9, 2009 I'm back and feeling great. Everything has gotten better,perscription lowered a week ago,I've been told it's going well.Just got internet back,am living in country.A while back a friend saved me from suicide,long,long,story,but I'd always loved this friend,and now we're together. She's unbelievably understanding and caring about my problem,and I love her. Anyway,my modem blew up, (I use a laptop) then the computer charger followed suit,only just got around to fixing that.Hope everyone out there remembers me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ninelives Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 I'm back and feeling great. Everything has gotten better,perscription lowered a week ago,I've been told it's going well.Just got internet back,am living in country.A while back a friend saved me from suicide,long,long,story,but I'd always loved this friend,and now we're together. She's unbelievably understanding and caring about my problem,and I love her. Anyway,my modem blew up, (I use a laptop) then the computer charger followed suit,only just got around to fixing that.Hope everyone out there remembers me! So pleased to hear you are doing much better!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karuna Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 I suppose one might be tempted to label me anti-social and have seriously entertained this idea myself. However, it may be closer to the truth to label me anti-social conventions and this has caused endless problems for me in my professional life. But enough about me. The goal of most psychotherapy either talking therapies or drug therapies seems to be adapting to the status quo, an unquestioned status quo. Let me put the following idea out there and by no means am I the first. If we assume the problem lies within the individual then it would follow that treatment courses center on righting that individual the goal being to make that individual more or less tolerable to the larger society (i.e. freaking out or hearing voices scares others hence decrease these behaviors, those in proximity feel better end of problem-nevermind those often deletrious side effects). On the other hand if we assume the problem lies within the larger society then activism is the proper course of action (i.e. the individual suffers do to poor social arrangements-change the social arrangements and decrease the individual's suffering). This track of reasoning sadly seems to have all but gone away perhaps in part do to the huge drug company lobbies. R.D. Lang, a Scottish psychotherapist and writer once said " the so-called schizophrenic perhaps sees clearly the world for what it really is (i.e. insane) and acts appropriately". Fitting in may just be the real problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
euro Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 (edited) IThis track of reasoning sadly seems to have all but gone away perhaps in part do to the huge drug company lobbies. I dont understand why doctors are so quick to medicate for patients that clearly have cognitive disorders. I mean exercise,proper nutrition and focusing on the joy of the present seems to help much more than medication Edited May 10, 2009 by euro Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BonzoLikeDrumer Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 I dont understand why doctors are so quick to medicate for patients that clearly have cognitive disorders. I mean exercise,proper nutrition and focusing on the joy of the present seems to go help much more than medication Maybe they don't want you to get better just keep you on the program. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Bomber Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 i feel that certain people can read my mind iam still a little paranoid when people look at me i still think of the same thing over and over again i just think don't be stupid you are a protector now you gotta protect your daughter no body can do such a thing or can they.. who cares then i set my mind on my daughters face and think of something funny she does she will never know how she has helped me she will know she changed my life but never know she is my medication i could never imagine how much one new life can change some one she is 3 now when she hits 18 i may tell her i can deal with this shit only because she is my doctor i was seeing i psych at a mental illness clinic and i would go 2 times a week then i stopped going due to the birth of my baby girl now 3 yrs gone by i feel like one big fukin rock has been lifted off my back and yes i do feel good I had a similar thing,solved by my current girlfriend coming into my life.I'm very happy for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Bomber Posted May 11, 2009 Author Share Posted May 11, 2009 Great post! Highlights and underlines are mine and the most pertinent parts IMO. Yes,but that's the argument that Schizophrenics make,I say that from experience,and I'm almost certain that the voices are just simply NOT THERE!JMO though,I do agree with the basic point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ledzepfvr Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 I know I am reviving an old thread but this seemed the apporpriate place to get this thought out of my head and put it in writing. The next step would be to say the words out loud. I have come to the sad conclusion that my step daughter, my husbands 34 year old daughter, has a persecutory delusional disorder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atlas Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Hello,i've been away for some time,this is a thread for everyone with a mental illness,I have always been depressed,several times i contemplated suicide and even made one attempt (Saved by a friend) I am now getting professional help,I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and schizophrenia,also apparently i am an ex multiple personality disorder sufferer,which i overcame without medical help which is "A testament to my strength of mind" (Or so my shrink says) and am on the meds,my friends have been supportive,my family doesn't know and i don't plan to tell them because i can function normally anyway,this thread is for people with any mental diseases,or friends/family of anyone with mental illness or learning disability,for support because believe me,i know how tough it is. I've been diagnosed with all kinds of mental disorders, which have subsequently been retracted. My favorite was "paranoid schizophrenia". I demanded a structured argument to support the conclusion, so I was subjected to a SCID. What they discovered is that my thinking is exceptionally "tight". Along with other assessments they determined that my reasoning capabilities lie in the "superior" range. My conclusion is that the world really is insane, I just have trouble dealing with the situation. I have my own theory about mental disorders. Many so-called mental disorders are actually symptoms of loneliness. Doctor To My Disease ~ Tull I've been treated for mild depression and I've been treated for growing pains. I've been treated for hallucinations; now I can see it all coming again. Well, you can wind me up. Yeah, you can slow me down. You can dig a little, and you can mess me around. But there's one thing I should tell you, to which you must agree: There's no use you playing doctor to my disease. Said it's no use you playing doctor to my disease. I got no cure for this condition that you've been causing me tonight. Well, you put my heart in overdrive: hand me the bullet I must bite. You can stir me up and you can cut me down. You can probe a little, push that knife around. But there's one thing I should tell you, to which you must agree: It's no use you playing doctor to my disease. Do you have to break my engine so you can fix it up again? Tuned to crazy imperfection just to score me out of ten. Well, you can wind me up. Yeah, you can slow me down. You can dig a little. Yeah, you can mess me around. But there's one thing I should tell you, to which you must agree: That it's no use you playing doctor to my disease. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atlas Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Yes,but that's the argument that Schizophrenics make,I say that from experience,and I'm almost certain that the voices are just simply NOT THERE!JMO though,I do agree with the basic point. Perhaps some reality testing might be in order. A person who really does suffer from such disorders will probably become very angry and defensive if their delusions are effectively challenged. I don't mean that the person should be put on the defensive. I'm only suggesting some probing questions. It's often the case that a person can develop a paranoid stance because they are never given complete information and actually are being manipulated in some way or another. Such things do happen. http://www.claudesteiner.com/osp2.htm Lies are a third family of power plays. They take advantage of people's gullibility and fear of confrontation. Most people are extremely susceptible to lies, because as a matter of daily routine, we are lied to extensively from our earliest days. One of the most effective ways of controlling people is by lying to them; when we feel superior to someone else we seem to believe that we don't have to tell them the truth. Usually, the explanation for not being truthful to those we wish to control is that they aren't mature or intelligent enough to understand things as they really are; or that it would hurt them if they knew the truth. These excuses for lying are used by politicians in relation to voters; by management in relation to the workers; by rich people in relation to their servants; and, of course, by parents in relation to children. Because of the pervasive lying around us, we take lies and half truths more or less for granted in our lives. Only in very special relationships, such as when we fall in love, or when our children finally grow up, or when we speak to our therapist or minister, or when we testify under oath, do we feel that we even need to be concerned about being truthful. And usually we have lied so much that, when the time comes to tell the truth, we are more or less incapable of doing so. Most of us know when we are telling a bold-faced lie because in a bold-faced lie there is a direct contradiction between the content of our consciousness, or what we're thinking, and what we say. But this black-and-white, direct, and conscious contradiction becomes blurred in the other forms of lies that we use in our everyday lives. In fact, the effect of lies upon our consciousness needs to be clearly understood. Lies (our own and others) are corrosive to our minds. More than just blurring our consciousness, they undermine our capacity to be effective in the world. They separate us from reality, create paranoia, invalidate our perceptions, discount our emotions, short-circuit our Adult, disorganize our thinking, dull our feelings, and ultimately can drive us mad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atlas Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 For the sake of full disclosure, I do have a diagnosis of ADHD and PTSD which I accept. The two conditions seem to be strongly correlated. ADHD really is a big problem. It's difficult for people who don't have it to really grasp what's going on. It interferes with basic aspects of life such as relationships and jobs in ways which appear to be moral failings. Mental illness is a very difficult thing to live with. Both for the person who has the illness, and for the people involved with the mentally ill person. Since mental illness directly impacts the way people interact with others, we tend to get angry and impatient with the sick person. We tend to be patent with a person with an obvious physical infirmity, but far less so with mental infirmities. Consider that we frequently hurl accusations of mental illness and insanity in order to insult and discredit others. I am currently in a situation where someone else's mental illness has led me to be extremely cruel to her. I feel really bad about it. The problem is that her condition makes her very abusive and insensitive to me. When we enter into relationships there is an expectation of mutual contribution. Often a mentally ill person cannot uphold his or her side of that arrangement. The other party doesn't gain fulfillment and satisfaction commensurate with his or her contribution. That leads to resentment and hostility. That's probably the core of most dysfunctional relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atlas Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 I had to chase away a woman whom I really love because her alcohol consumption was messing up my life as well as hers. I was not graceful. I was cruel. I know she has underlying psychological problems. I am sure there is some sever PTSD from more than one source. She was also neglected in many ways as a child. I have my own issues. Not all that different from hers, but my psychological wounds aren't nearly as deep. I wish I were stronger, and could just leave her to go her own way. I was vicious in what I said to her to drive her away. Today I called her up to see how she is doing, and because I have some of her cloths which she left at my apartment. She is staying with a guy she goes back to every time we have a falling out. He has savagely brutalized countless times, but she keeps going back. Today she told me she thinks she as a broken arm. When I said "he beat the crap out of you again, but you will stay with him tonight, won't you?" she hung the phone up. Sometimes mental illness is a multi-player game. I really feel bad about my conduct. I know she goes back to this goon in order to shock and guilt-trip me and her mother. I know it's not my fault that this guy is brutalizing her. It's not my fault that she goes back to him. It is my fault that I was so cruel to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoubleNecker Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I'm assuming some of the older members of the site might've wondered where I whiskered away to for the past year and a half. Well, I got myself into a relationship with a girl which put me into a harsh mental state which led me into a eventual mental breakdown which led me to be diagnosed with bipolar. I spent the first half of 2010 trying to control it and I failed. Having lots of crying breakdowns and lots of anger flying all over the place. Eventually I got myself onto Medicaid and got my medication in me and I've been doing much better now. I also go to therapy when I can and I try to keep my head up about bipolar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anjin-san Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Welcome Back! KB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cletus Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 The last few years have been rough. I've hoping eventually get off all my meds. They did, maybe, help a bit at first(?). But in the long run they've done more harm done good. I'm learning what I can about meditation and hypnosis to try and find a way to get off these pills. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidZoso Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 I have dealt with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since 1990. I have been on several medications but the one I am on now seems to work the best-Cymbalta. I am doing good now but years ago this really made my day to day functioning hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JethroTull Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 My father-in-law has a narcissistic personality disorder. My sister-in-law has a narcissistic personality disorder. My deceased mother-in-law suffered from depression. My brother-in-law suffers from depression. Father-in-law is currently going through a Narcissistic rage and taking it out on my wife. Did you know that children often take characteristic of their parents and exaggerate them? Wish me luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walesdad Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 I'm assuming some of the older members of the site might've wondered where I whiskered away to for the past year and a half. Well, I got myself into a relationship with a girl which put me into a harsh mental state which led me into a eventual mental breakdown which led me to be diagnosed with bipolar. I spent the first half of 2010 trying to control it and I failed. Having lots of crying breakdowns and lots of anger flying all over the place. Eventually I got myself onto Medicaid and got my medication in me and I've been doing much better now. I also go to therapy when I can and I try to keep my head up about bipolar. Good luck feller,keep that chin up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mastress of procrastinate Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 sooo refreshing to know I have a place to come clear about all what bothers me. I am suffering from depression and suicidal tendencies since my early teens, when not even earlier. the root cause probably was the divorce of my parents, but I cna hardly tell. As I got a little older, my mother was more and more pressuring me into being a younger version of her. she decided what school I'd go to, she decided what languages I had to learn, I was never asked whether I'd like french class better than latin....that list is too long. Also, i was bullied in school from elementary school until I was in grade 11. When I was 12, I was thinkign about suicide for the very first time. Also I always had mood jumps and very easily started to rage. It got worse in my teen years, the smallest things would cause me to go really mad. Additional to the pressure i got from my mum, things got like really shitty as she married again. Her husband is nothing but an asshole. He is choleric, insults both me and my brother, considers not fully diserving of the same amount of rights and dignity and always lets us know. He called me fat, not diserving of love, a miscarriage. In a fight he said "No, you diserve no dignity, look at youself, thick as you are, you don't even fit into your pants". As I told that my mother, she only whined about how she does not like to come home into such an environment and that she has to carry the burden of all these fights and she said I'd know he won't apologise. it was like "he insuted you and humilates you, get fucking over it" right in my face. After another fight I left home in a hurry and rode on my bike to a bridge nearbye. I stood there maybe for 30, 40 minutes, wondering whether or whether not to jump. The situation at home caused me to be anxious, develop sleeping problems and I began to cut myself. The house I was living in wasn't a home. I was missing of a place that would have been like a shelter for me, and within this house i was surrounded by people doing harm to me. I was so full of pain and pressure it seemed like cutting was the only way to let all that out. My mum found out, and all she hbad to say was "well, then stop it". Her own daughter was self-harming and going through depression and she acted like she gave a fuck. She was and still is only focused on her marriage. She is both sacrifying mine and my brother's well-being (in my case even emotional health) for this marriage. Things collapsed the evening prior to my last final exam. In Germany, you have in addition to the written finals also a oral exam in a subject of your choice. my brother told me how mum's husband was talking bad over me, claiming I'd be backstabbing my mother and trash-talk about both of them simply because I called my dad three times the past week. He always checks the telephone bill to see what numbers have been called and how long my brother and me were using the phone. That evening, I tried to confront him. we had several fights already because I will never just stand still when someone attacks me and denies to treat me with dignity like I as a human being diserve. He was raging, and said to my mum either I'd have to leave or he'd leave. "throw it out it, I don't what to call that like, it's not a human being" I YELLED at him, that if he thinks I would not be a human being and not diserving of dignity he'd rather move to a country where they let the own people stand in line just to get shot. He would HAVE to treat with me with dignity since we'd be living in Germany. (I was referring to the first sentence of our constituiton that says the human dignity is untouchable). He left to get drunk,. what he always does when there's a fight and I packed some books together and tried to focus on my exam. My mum approached me, and started her own rant. I'd be destroying her marriage, bla bla bla.......she would have given up so much of her for me and my brother".....then I finally got sick of it. I told her to stop acting like jesus dying on the cross because she had two children and is single-raising. She was always good at playing the victim and her bevaviour is disgraceful and a shame for a grown up woman and mother her age. As I said that, she told me to pack my things and leave the house. She threw me out the evening prior to my last final exam. I stayed at a friends place that night and gladfully managed the exam. I was able to stay at my granny's place untiln uni starts. However, it isn't that much better here either. After a short phase of recovering, since I no longer had to stay with that asshole and that women bareely diserving to be called a mother, I fell into depression again. My grandmother is strict and restricting my personal freedoms. She tells me what to wear, how to wear my hear, even though I am 18. Coming with the argument I'd be living in her house, she is telling me how to plan and spend my days and time. She gives me hell for going out on the weekends (at least I was able to do that at my mum's place) and even threatens me with physical violence. As I wanted to visit a friend on bike who live about 30 km away, she said I'd have to be beaten until one couldn't beat me any more for riding that long way on my bikr alone. I demanded her to apologise, but she refers to freedom of opinion. she treats me like a infant and patronizes me whereever she can. I feel like in a cage. Also, I began to cut again. Living with my grandmother made me lose much respect for her. She believes it's mainly my fault the situation with mum's husband got so bad. I should have reacted differently. I can barely describe how hurt I've felt as she said that to me. It is clearly not my fault that my mum's husband is such an asshole. How shall I react when someone treats me like this? Shut up and let that all eat me up because defending myself may upsets mum+husband? She lacks understanding of the situatuation and for her it is easy to judge. Gladully I will leave this friday, and move to berlin. I just want to leave this all behind and start a new, happier life. Everyone says the teen years would be the time of the life, but my teen years where anything but that. I began a therapy, but yet there is still a lot inside me I cant cope with alone. I hope that one day I can forget this past and that these experiences don't haunt me any longer. My mum always said I'd be too thick and said that was the reason I'd have no boyfriend "you have to be appealing to his eyes, too". My own mother gave me the feeling of being less diserving of love for my apperance. I still struggle to accept what I look like and I try really hard not to believe what my mother has told me. I am waiting for the day I can say I'm pretty" in front of a mirror ten times and mean it each time. I still cry a lot over what has happened. It just seems so unbelievable.....though I got over balming myself (what have I done that they treat me like this?) I will never stop wondering why someone could be as vicious, cruel and lacking of any compassion as my mother's husband. I have to fight not to become spiteful over all this. One day I'll hopefully can close this chapter of my life for good. A new life lies in front of me, in a new city and far far away from these people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anjin-san Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Hi all, sooo refreshing to know I have a place to come clear about all what bothers me. Let is all hang out girlfriend. [[my mother was more and more pressuring me into being a younger version of her. she decided what school I'd go to, she decided what languages I had to learn, I was never asked whether I'd like french class better than latin....that list is too long. Also, i was bullied in school from elementary school until I was in grade 11. When I was 12, I was thinkign about suicide for the very first time. Also I always had mood jumps and very easily started to rage. It got worse in my teen years, the smallest things would cause me to go really mad. You are not your mother,nor is she you.Your mother wants you to be what she was not.Can you see that? From your post,you have something to say and you say it very well.We need people like you. Additional to the pressure i got from my mum, things got like really shitty as she married again. Her husband is nothing but an asshole. He is choleric, insults both me and my brother, considers not fully diserving of the same amount of rights and dignity and always lets us know. He called me fat, not diserving of love, a miscarriage. In a fight he said "No, you diserve no dignity, look at youself, thick as you are, you don't even fit into your pants". As I told that my mother, she only whined about how she does not like to come home into such an environment and that she has to carry the burden of all these fights and she said I'd know he won't apologise. it was like "he insuted you and humilates you, get fucking over it" right in my face. Nothing to do with you.NOTHING.Ask yourself this question: Am I good person,despite the @holes? I vote yes.Just from your post here and baring of your thoughts,.. DO NOT surrender,you want to talk,do.Your a brave lass.Got that? KB After another fight I left home in a hurry and rode on my bike to a bridge nearbye. I stood there maybe for 30, 40 minutes, wondering whether or whether not to jump. The situation at home caused me to be anxious, develop sleeping problems and I began to cut myself. The house I was living in wasn't a home. I was missing of a place that would have been like a shelter for me, and within this house i was surrounded by people doing harm to me. I was so full of pain and pressure it seemed like cutting was the only way to let all that out. My mum found out, and all she hbad to say was "well, then stop it". Her own daughter was self-harming and going through depression and she acted like she gave a fuck. She was and still is only focused on her marriage. She is both sacrifying mine and my brother's well-being (in my case even emotional health) for this marriage. Things collapsed the evening prior to my last final exam. In Germany, you have in addition to the written finals also a oral exam in a subject of your choice. my brother told me how mum's husband was talking bad over me, claiming I'd be backstabbing my mother and trash-talk about both of them simply because I called my dad three times the past week. He always checks the telephone bill to see what numbers have been called and how long my brother and me were using the phone. That evening, I tried to confront him. we had several fights already because I will never just stand still when someone attacks me and denies to treat me with dignity like I as a human being diserve. He was raging, and said to my mum either I'd have to leave or he'd leave. "throw it out it, I don't what to call that like, it's not a human being" I YELLED at him, that if he thinks I would not be a human being and not diserving of dignity he'd rather move to a country where they let the own people stand in line just to get shot. He would HAVE to treat with me with dignity since we'd be living in Germany. (I was referring to the first sentence of our constituiton that says the human dignity is untouchable). He left to get drunk,. what he always does when there's a fight and I packed some books together and tried to focus on my exam. My mum approached me, and started her own rant. I'd be destroying her marriage, bla bla bla.......she would have given up so much of her for me and my brother".....then I finally got sick of it. I told her to stop acting like jesus dying on the cross because she had two children and is single-raising. She was always good at playing the victim and her bevaviour is disgraceful and a shame for a grown up woman and mother her age. As I said that, she told me to pack my things and leave the house. She threw me out the evening prior to my last final exam. I stayed at a friends place that night and gladfully managed the exam. I was able to stay at my granny's place untiln uni starts. However, it isn't that much better here either. After a short phase of recovering, since I no longer had to stay with that asshole and that women bareely diserving to be called a mother, I fell into depression again. My grandmother is strict and restricting my personal freedoms. She tells me what to wear, how to wear my hear, even though I am 18. Coming with the argument I'd be living in her house, she is telling me how to plan and spend my days and time. She gives me hell for going out on the weekends (at least I was able to do that at my mum's place) and even threatens me with physical violence. As I wanted to visit a friend on bike who live about 30 km away, she said I'd have to be beaten until one couldn't beat me any more for riding that long way on my bikr alone. I demanded her to apologise, but she refers to freedom of opinion. she treats me like a infant and patronizes me whereever she can. I feel like in a cage. Also, I began to cut again. Living with my grandmother made me lose much respect for her. She believes it's mainly my fault the situation with mum's husband got so bad. I should have reacted differently. I can barely describe how hurt I've felt as she said that to me. It is clearly not my fault that my mum's husband is such an asshole. How shall I react when someone treats me like this? Shut up and let that all eat me up because defending myself may upsets mum+husband? She lacks understanding of the situatuation and for her it is easy to judge. Gladully I will leave this friday, and move to berlin. I just want to leave this all behind and start a new, happier life. Everyone says the teen years would be the time of the life, but my teen years where anything but that. I began a therapy, but yet there is still a lot inside me I cant cope with alone. I hope that one day I can forget this past and that these experiences don't haunt me any longer. My mum always said I'd be too thick and said that was the reason I'd have no boyfriend "you have to be appealing to his eyes, too". My own mother gave me the feeling of being less diserving of love for my apperance. I still struggle to accept what I look like and I try really hard not to believe what my mother has told me. I am waiting for the day I can say I'm pretty" in front of a mirror ten times and mean it each time. I still cry a lot over what has happened. It just seems so unbelievable.....though I got over balming myself (what have I done that they treat me like this?) I will never stop wondering why someone could be as vicious, cruel and lacking of any compassion as my mother's husband. I have to fight not to become spiteful over all this. One day I'll hopefully can close this chapter of my life for good. A new life lies in front of me, in a new city and far far away from these people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ledzepfvr Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 @Mastress of Procrastinate.....it is sad that we are sometimes dealt a bad hand when it comes to parents. It occured to me that your some of your mothers behavior is the baggage she carries having been raised by your grandmother. You can break the pattern and become a better woman than they. All situations temporary and ever changing. While these situations can be hell to live through and endure, once they are past, use the memory to make you a stronger person. Don't be a victim. Be a survivor. One day I'll hopefully can close this chapter of my life for good. A new life lies in front of me, in a new city and far far away from these people. That is a good train of thought. Move on, as life can give us happiness and love too. You will find it, it's there for all of us. Good luck to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetredwine Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 (edited) ... One day I'll hopefully can close this chapter of my life for good. A new life lies in front of me, in a new city and far far away from these people. Yes, a new life, with new people, but watch out! Today the first post on my Facebook seemed to speak to you: "Our consciousness is fed with other conciousnesses. The way we make decisions, our likes and dislikes, depend on the collective way of seeing things. That's why selecting the people you are around is very important." (Thich Nhat Hanh) My advice to anyone who has suffered abuse would be to avoid romantic entanglements, look to ancient wisdom for answers on how to avoid negative karmic ties, heal yourself (eat balanced meals on a regular schedule, exercise, doctor/dental checkups, etc.), be around positive people doing positive things that help others and the world around them, and avoid our "modern" world as much as possible. Our "modern" world gives people unrealistic expectations about almost everything and there are very few good role models (people whose lives truly help to improve the lives of all those around them) that seem appealing to people nowadays. Sacrificing personal desires to improve the lives of others has been made to appear stupid and/or questionable - and most people are very confused over what is truly necessary for a valuable and meaningful life on this earth, striving instead for lifestyles that deprive others of their mental/physical/emotional/spiritual wellbeing - and denying the facts, the complete picture of the whole situation. Best wishes and Blessings to you! Edited September 27, 2011 by sweetredwine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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