THAT 70s SHOW REMAINS THE SAME (Episode 1) ERIC FORMAN'S BASEMENT The whole gang is there sitting at the circle. HYDE: UFOs run on water, man. That's why the government is covering up the existence of aliens on our planet. DONNA: Because they don't want a mass panic? HYDE: No, it's not just that. They don't want us to find out that flying saucers run on water because then they'd know that our automobiles could run on water, too. So they cover up the UFOs in order to cover up how we don't need to sustain our civilization by buying oil for our vehicles. So it's like a double cover up, man. KELSO: (like a bolt of lightning Kelso gets struck by an idea) You know what would be cool? To have a flying saucer that ran on water! You could just zoom around jamming Pink Floyd and dip into the ocean whenever you needed fuel. I bet you could pick up a lot of hot chicks in one of those things and you wouldn't even have to worry about gas money. JACKIE: (gives Kelso a look) Excuse me, Michael? KELSO: (busted) I mean umm....riding around and picking up my hottest chick girlfriend Jackie to explore the galaxy of love with. JACKIE: Oh, that's so sweet Michael...but like I said before...I don't like space. FEZ: (while Fez speaks Kelso is pretending to be piloting a flying saucer while making a low hum) I'm so terrified of flying saucers. In my country of - (Kelso's hum turns into a loud zoom as he goes into hyperdrive drowning out the country that Fez is from) - they would appear over our house and use a beam of light to hover us and our chickens up into the craft and then probe us with instruments. ERIC: That's horrible, Fez. FEZ: That's why I signed up to become a foreign exchange student. I was the only one in my village to not have been anally probed by the aliens. So now I am safe in A-med-ee-ca. (Raises fist and looks up to defy the aliens) You hear me you alien bastards! I escaped you! You'll never get me now! ERIC: Alien abductions happen here in America, too, Fez. FEZ: They do? Oh now I am so scared. They might get me on the way home. Can I please sleep here tonight? HYDE: (in an alien voice) Fez, I am a shape shifting alien and my real name is Grog X25 and it now time for your anal probe. (Fez gets a frightened look on his face) HYDE: (in normal voice) I'm just messing with you, Fez, it's okay. FEZ: Oh, I am so relieved. HYDE: (in alien voice) Now disrobe for your anal probe. (Fez scared again) HYDE: (in normal voice) Hey, that rhymes. Disrobe. Anal probe. (Red Forman comes down to foot of steps) RED: Your hippie friend is here. And tell him from now on to use the back door because the only thing I hate worse than an unexpected visitor is seeing an unexpected hippie at the front door. (goes back upstairs) LEO: Hey, how is everybody? HYDE: We're just here talking about flying saucers that run on water. LEO: That's so cool, man, because I saw a flying saucer once. KELSO: You told us about it before. You were high but what you really saw was a Goodyear blimp at a football game. LEO: No, man. This was a different time. And it wasn't at a football game. It was at a rock concert. ERIC: What concert was it? LEO: I can't remember, man. I just remember seeing UFOs everywhere. It was like an invasion. They were really small ones, too, and they would hover on people's shirts and just land there. It was trippy, man. I even found their home base. They were on a table attached to tee shirts just waiting to take off and attack us, man. And there were these people waiting in line at their table base. I tried to warn them by yelling for everybody to run for their lives but they just looked at me like I was crazy. People thinking I'm crazy, I know, it's hard to believe but it's a true story. HYDE: Did these UFOs by chance happen to look like blimps? LEO: Yeah, come to think of it they did look like blimps. HYDE: (stands up) Did the shirts look like this? (with both hands opens his unbuttoned shirt to fully show off his Led Zeppelin blimp tee underneath) LEO: Wow, man. They looked exactly like that. You got one of those tiny unidentified flying blimps on you, too. HYDE: Leo, those weren't flying saucers you saw. You were at a Led Zeppelin concert, man! LEO: Oh wow. That's awesome, man. I always wanted to see them and now I have. HYDE: So which city did you see them? LEO: (struggling to remember) It's starting to come back to me. Atlanta. And Tampa. Oh and Jacksonville, Tuscaloosa, St. Louis, Mobile. Then New Orleans - DONNA: Wow, Leo. Sounds like you followed Zeppelin on the road like the Grateful Dead. Instead of a Deadhead, you were a Led Head. That had to of been fun. LEO: Yeah I'm starting to remember how groovy it was...oh no wait. (gets worried look on his face) DONNA: What's wrong, Leo? LEO: Something just dawned on me, man. DONNA: What? LEO: (long pause) I think I accidentally stole $203,000 from Led Zeppelin. (to be continued)