BIGDAN Posted August 12, 2010 Author Share Posted August 12, 2010 "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.' I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts. I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express... I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BIGDAN Posted August 18, 2010 Author Share Posted August 18, 2010 I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...' So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BIGDAN Posted August 18, 2010 Author Share Posted August 18, 2010 I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BIGDAN Posted August 18, 2010 Author Share Posted August 18, 2010 "You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle" You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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