Ain't it the truth!

[FuzzyMerkin]

All of these come across as anti-male. The women comes out on top in all of these.

Let me guess - woman on top is too kinky for you?

[Electrophile]

No, that's the only sexual position he'll do. He doesn't like doggy style, he probably doesn't like missionary because that requires him to do most of the work. He'd rather lay on his back and doze off while the woman does everything.

[zepyep]

Hi all,

They are simply jokes,the original 'set' was sent to me by my sister,....for laughs,......

Come on good people,share some funny stuff!

KB (yes Percy,I remember laughter)

[lzfan715]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

[zepyep]

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: “If you want your

Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day”

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

How long will this take?” I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the

years?”

Without missing a beat he said “Worked for your bum, didn’t it?”

[zepyep]

#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.

#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

#6 Some people are like a slinky… not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

#2 In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT :

“Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” - Ronald Reagan

[zepyep]

You got to love this guy…

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.

It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride’s family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions

for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, ‘F—you!’ Then he turned to his bride and said, ‘F— you!’

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said,

‘I’m outta here.’

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this

guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

[Dzldoc]

86 Year Old's Letter to the Bank

YOU GO GRANDMA!

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank

by an 86 year old woman. The bank

manager thought it amusing enough to have it published

in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with

which I endeavored to pay my

plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed

between his presenting the

check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed

to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of

my entire pension, an arrangement

which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for

seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for

debiting my account $30 by way

of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My

thankfulness springs from

the manner in which this incident has caused me to

rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your

telephone calls and letters, --- when I

try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, pre-recorded,

faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a

flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage

and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no

longer be automatic, but will arrive at

your bank, by check, addressed personally and

confidentially to an employee at your bank

whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for

any other person to open such an

envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact

which I require your chosen

employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,

but in order that I know as much

about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is

no alternative. Please note that all

copies of his or her medical history must be

countersigned by a Notary Public, and the

mandatory details of his/her financial situation

(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must

be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at

MY convenience, I will issue

your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote

in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,

again, I have modeled it on the number

of button presses required of me to access my account

balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of

flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR

ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am

there

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am

sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am

attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not

at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to

access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to

that Authorized Contact

mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options

1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The

contact will then be put on hold,

pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion,

involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for

the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must

also levy an establishment fee to

cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish

you a happy, if ever so slightly

less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA

JUST GOTTA LOVE

'US SENIORS' !!!!!

And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't

like being old in the first place,

so it doesn't take much to set them off.

[zepyep]

Hi all,

Dzldoc! Now thats da truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KB

[zepyep]

Interesting Human Body Facts That You Cannot Live Without

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball

- It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

-One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

-The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair

-There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as often as men.

-The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.

-Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

-Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

-The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.

Checked the length of your thumb didn't you ?