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Best Frasier Quotes


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Oh, my, what a delectable medley of fromagian splendor. You must try one.


[picks up a cheese cube and eats it] Mmm... cheesy.


Mmm, yes, "cheesy." Le mot juste. Must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.


Yep. So who are you supposed to be?


Chingachgook. I'm the last of the Mohicans.


Oh... Well... that little mystery solved.

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What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, you lied to me, you nearly got me killed. You've shamelessly manipulated not only me but the station, the news media, and the entire city of Seattle. What do you have to say for yourself?


Aren't you glad I'm on your side?


I like this one too:

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  • 3 weeks later...

"This stinks!! This is total BS!!!!"

I love when he says that lol.

Frasier: I do not have a fat face.

Niles: Oh, please. I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter.

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.

Niles: A gesture that grows less significant with each passing year.

[Frasier is attempting to throttle Niles during a particularly out-of-control argument]

Niles: My God, I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!

Frasier: You stole my mommy!

Frasier, Niles: [singing] ump-ta-da-da-da ump-ta-da-da-da... Some boys run off to college, but we think they're all wussies, cause they get all the knowledge, and we get all the umpta-da-da-da umpta-da-da-da..

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This is a little long, but I LOVE this whole exchange (especially the "new issues" bit):

Schenkman: Bear with me, I'm sorry. I'm, I'm feeling a little stressed.

Niles: [shouting] You're feeling stressed?!

Schenkman: Put yourself in my place.

Niles: I very nearly did! I'm stunned! How... how long has this been going on?

Schenkman: Two weeks. Maris and I were waiting to tell you when I felt that you were ready.

Niles: That's despicable! It's unethical, it's... [notices his clothes] are those my pajamas?

Schenkman: Could be. They bind a little in the crotch. Listen,whatever anger you're feeling can't begin to approach my guilt.

Niles: Don't bet on it!

Schenkman: Ah good, that's good, vent that rage. You have every right to.

Niles: You're sleeping with my wife and you're giving me permission to be angry?!

Schenkman: Furious.

Niles: Ah-ah.

Schenkman: Livid.

Niles: Ah!

Schenkman: Yes, you're dealing with it very well, by the way.

Niles: Oh!

Schenkman: [holds up champagne glass] I don't suppose you'd care-

Niles: No! Do you realize you could lose your license for having an affair with a patient?

Schenkman: Yes, and I deserve to. But it was a risk worth taking because of love. [lies on the couch, while Niles buries his face in his hand] Ah... oh! I love her, Niles. I've never known a woman so warm... so nurturing... so unselfish...

Niles looks confused at this description.

Niles: Is it possible this is all a case of mistaken identity?

Schenkman: Thanks to our sessions, Maris has been unafraid to show me the real woman inside.

Niles: Damn you, I trusted you! Because you were supposed to be helping us! And I liked you too, you bastard! You betrayed

my confidence and my friendship, and you seduced my wife!

Schenkman: Wow, there are a lot of new issues here, aren't there? Think maybe we should kick it up to three sessions a week?

(Niles flips out and begins to strangle him on the couch)

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Frasier turns on the radio. "Carlos and the Chicken" have put

together a tape which sounds like Roz and Frasier having sex.

Martin, Daphne and Niles can't contain their laughter. Frasier

is horrified.

Carlos: [v.o:] I think we're going to have to throw a bucket of

water on these two.

Chicken: [v.o:] Roz and Frasier stopped around for a quick hello,

next thing you know, they're getting it on in the booth!

Frasier: [v.o:] Roz!

Roz: [v.o:] Frasier!

Frasier: Roz!

Roz: Frasier!

Frasier: Do we have time to squeeze in one more?

Roz: Plenty of time, Frasier. Two more minutes.

Carlos: For a man carrying around a good fifty extra pounds

of ass, Frasier Crane has got unbelievable stamina. Frasier,

where do you get your energy?

Frasier: Lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian Vanilla.

Carlos: Oh my God, they're changing positions. I've never

seen that one before.

Frasier: Love does enter through the nose.

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[Bebe enters the men's room on CafÈ Nervosa]

Bebe: Frasier, we have to talk.

Frasier: Are you aware that you are in the men's room?

Bebe: Oh, please, if I paid attention to signs with little pictures on them - I would never get a parking space.

Bebe: Do you have any idea how hot you are? I get offers everyday from other stations offering the moon for you.

Frasier: Good Lord, am I really that hot?

Bebe: Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast, I'd be done.

Niles: Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table.

Bebe: Niles, thank God you're here. Back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.

Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.

(Daphne makes Martin read from her book, and he becomes very uncomfortable with what he's reading.)

Martin: "'You fool!' she whispered again. 'You sweet, brave, wonderful fool! I should have died had you not found my bedchamber!'" Oh jeez. "Then she was in his arms and all her qualms forgotten, as she ... tore his tunic asunder and thrust her ... eager lips against the sinews of his naked chest ... (turns pages) The next morning--"

Daphne: You left out a section!

Martin: Okay, okay. "As his brazen fingers peeled the silken fabric from her ... heaving (ahem) bosoms ..." (takes a swig of beer) "He beheld her quivering alabaster mounds ..." (wipes forehead) "... At that moment she felt the proof of his rampant passion against her milky thighs...?? His almost Godlike beauty" (checking to see if Daphne is still awake) "was marred only by the fact that he was ..." (sees that she is asleep) cross-eyed, three feet tall and had breath like owl droppings.

Niles: I had no idea you knew so much about divas.

Daphne: Yeah, well you don't live with your brother for five years and not learn a thing or two about divas.

Frank: Daphne - that's a pretty name. Do people call you Daffy for short?

Daphne: Not twice.

Martin: Well, I think I'm going to hit the hay too.

Bebe: That's awfully risky of you, isn't it? Leaving us "kids" out here unchaperoned.

Martin: Better him than me.

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^^^I always wondered: Martin seems to find the vibrating chair somehwat perverse, yet doesn't the "Dirt Pile 1957" (in Frasier's words) have a plug-in for a vibrating feature? I remember seeing a plug coming out of it in some episodes. Great scene nevertheless, though!

My grandma used to have a chair with a plug but instead of vibrating it heated the chair up(too much :veryhot: ) maybe that was it. You have a good eye, I didn't notice the plug lol.

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[all the male employees at the station are jealous of the new radio host, an impossibly handsome man]

Gil Chesterson: I must confess, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.

[Stunned silence]

Roz: You didn't notice? You of all people?

Gil Chesterson: Just what are you insinuating?

Roz: Well, you know, you're a little, er...

Gil Chesterson: For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.

[stunned silence]

Frasier: You're... married?

Bulldog: To a woman?

Gil Chesterson: Of course to a woman! You've all heard me mention Deb. Well, how often have I said, "I must be running along now, Deb will be waiting"?

Roz: We thought Deb was your cat.

Gil Chesterson: She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop. Honestly, the conclusions people make, just because a man dresses well and knows how to use a pastry bag!

[he exits]

Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.

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Sometimes this site gives me trouble posting.

Gil Chesterton: [Gil's 'Boyhood in Surrey' speech has been cut from the radio mystery] I'm dying...

Frasier: Poor man was gone.

Gil Chesterton: Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey

[makes triumphant face at Frasier]

Gil Chesterton: , romping with my schoolchums in the thins and spinneys...

Frasier: [fake gunshot] Just then, the lights went out again. Nigel Fairservice was shot again!

Gil Chesterton: Only grazed me! When the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lum...

Frasier: [fake gunshot] The final bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders!

Martin: [to his beer] Well, hello there. Will you be my Ballantine?

Niles shows up at Frasier's house wearing a pirate costume, saying that Maris has kicked him out]

Niles: There's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed.

Frasier: All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.

Niles: Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts. Then I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me.

Martin: Dressed like that?

Niles: Actually no, at the time I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, technically is it still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your-?

Frasier: STOP!

Nice legs Frasier lol

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Nice legs Frasier lol

"The Doctor Is Out" is one of my absolute favorite episodes of all time! Nice call on that one. The writers came up with a brilliant chain of events to put Frasier into a very compromising situation by the time he got to Bad Billy's....and it only got worse from there. One of my favorite quotes from that episode:

(Frasier and Niles sucking up to Alistair...)

Roz: "Well, that was thorough. Find any polyps up there?"

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  • 1 month later...


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