The Ballad of Dennis Moore England, 1747 (Sounds of a coach and horses, galloping) Dennis Moore (Cleese): Stand and deliver! Coachman (Chapman): Not on your life (SHOT) ... aagh! (Girl screams) Dennis Moore: Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week...or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week...At least...I mean...I reckon I could hit that tree over there. Er...the one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the...you see the three trees over there? Well, the one furthest away on the right... Squire (Jones): What, that tree there? Dennis Moore: Which one? Squire: The big beech with the sort of bare branch coming out of the top left. Dennis Moore: No, no, no, not that one. Girl: No, no, he means the one over there. Look, you see that one there. Squire: Yes. Girl: Well now, go two along to the right. Coachman: Just near that little bush. Girl: Well, it's the one just behind it. Squire: Ah! The elm. Dennis Moore: No, that's not an elm. An elm's got sort of great clumps for leaves like that. That's either a beech, a hornbeam, or, ah ... Parson (Idle): A larch? Girl: No, no. Dennis Moore: No, that was another series. No, what's the... the one like that with the leaves that are sort of regularly veined and the veins go right out with sort of um... Girl: Serrated? Dennis Moore: Serrated edges. Parson: A willow! Dennis Moore: Yes. Parson: That's nothing like a willow. Dennis Moore: Well it doesn't matter, anyway. I can hit it seven times out of ten, that's the point. Parson: Never a willow. Dennis Moore: Shut up! It's a hold-up, not a Botany lesson. Now, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got. Squire: Lupins? Dennis Moore: Yes, lupins. Come on, come on. Idle: What do you mean, lupins? Dennis Moore: Don't try to play for time. Idle: I'm not, but... the "flower" lupin? Dennis Moore: Yes, that's right. Squire: Well we haven't got any lupins. Girl: Honestly. Dennis Moore: Look, my friends. I happen to know that this is the Lupin Express. Squire: Damn! Girl: Oh, here you are. Dennis Moore: In a bunch, in a bunch! Squire: Sorry. Dennis Moore: Come on, Concorde! (Gallops off) Chorus (sings): Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, galloping through the sward, Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, and his horse Concorde. He steals from the rich, he gives to the poor, Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr Moore. Dennis Moore Rides Again (Fade up on a picture of Queen Victoria) Voice Over: Just starting on BBC 1 now, "Victoria Regina" the inspiring tale of the simple crofter's daughter who worked her way up to become Queen of England and Empress of the Greatest Empire television has ever seen. On BBC 2 now Episode 3 of "George I" the new 116 part serial about the famous English King who hasn't been done yet. On ITV now the (sound of a punch) Ugh! (Music starts. Picture of Royal crest.) SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: "GEORGE I" (The word "Charles" below the crest has been crossed out and "George I" written above it.) CAPTION: "EPISODE 3 - THE GATHERING STORM" (This looks very dog-cared and thumb-printed. Cut to studio set of an eighteenth-century ballroom. Some dancing is going on. A fop is talking to two ladies in the usual phony mouthing manner. They laugh meaninglessly.) Grantley: Ah! 'Tis my lord of Buckingham. Pray welcome, Your Grace. Buckingham: Thank you, Grantley. Grantley: Ladies, may I introduce to you the man who prophesied that a German monarch would soon embroil this country in continental affairs. First Lady: Oh, how so, my lord? Buckingham: Madam, you will recall that prior to his accession our gracious sovereign George had become involved in the long standing Northern War, through his claims to Bremen and Verdun. These duchies would provide an outlet to the sea of the utmost value to Hanover. The Treaty of Westphalia has assigned them to Sweden. Grantley: In 1648. Buckingham: Exactly. Grantley: Meanwhile Frederick William of Denmark, taking advantage of the absence of Charles XII, seized them; 1712. Second Lady: Oh yes! First Lady: It all falls into place. More wine? Grantley: Oh, thank you. Buckingham: However, just prior to his accession, George had made an alliance with Frederick William of Prussia, on the grounds of party feeling. Grantley: While Frederick William had married George's only daughter. First Lady: I remember the wedding. Buckingham: But chiefly through concern at the concerted action against Charles XII... (There is a crash as Moore swings through the window on a rope. Everyone gasps and screams. He lands spectacularly.) Dennis Moore: Stand and deliver. All: Dennis Moore! Dennis Moore: The same. And now my lords, my ladies... your lupins, please. (General bewilderment and consternation.) Buckingham: Our what? Dennis Moore: Oh, come come, don't play games with me my Lord of Buckingham. Buckingham: What can you mean? Dennis Moore: (putting pistol to his head) Your life or your lupins, my lord. (Buckingham and the rest of the gathering now produce lupins which they have secreted about their several persons. They offer them to Moore.) Dennis Moore: In a bunch, in a bunch. (they arrange them in a bunch) Thank you my friends, and now a good evening to you all. (He grabs the rope, is hauled into air and disappears out of the window. There is a bump, a whinny and the sound of galloping hooves. The guests rush to the window to watch him disappear.) Grantley: He seeks them here... he seeks them there... he seeks those lupins everywhere. The murdering blackguard! He's taken all our lupins. First Lady: (produring one from her garter) Not quite. (Gasps of delight.) Buckingham: Oh you tricked him! Man: We still have one! (they all cheer) (Cut to a similar montage as before of Moore galloping through forest, clearings and tiny villages. Song as follows.) Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Riding through the night. Soon every lupin in the land Will be in his mighty hand He steals them from the rich And gives them to the poor Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr Moore. (Towards the end of this he arrives at the same peasant's cottage as before, dismounts and runs to the cottage door. He pauses. From inside the cottage we hear quiet moaning. Cut to inside the cottage. In this rude hut, lit by a single candle, the female peasant lies apparently dying on a bunk. Lupins are everywhere, in the fire, on the bed, a large pile of them forms a pillow. The female peasant is moaning and the male peasant is kneeling beside her offering her a lupin. Moore enters slowly.) Male Peasant: (dressed largely in a lupin suit) Try and eat some, my dear. It'll give you strength. (Dennis Moore reverently approaches the bed; the male peasant looks round and sees him) Oh Mr Moore, Mr Moore, she's going fast. Dennis Moore: Don't worry, I've... I've brought you something. Male Peasant: Medicine at last? Dennis Moore: No. Male Peasant: Food? Dennis Moore: No. Male Peasant: Some blankets perhaps... clothes... wood for the fire... Dennis Moore: No. Lupins! Male Peasant: (exploding) Oh Christ! Dennis Moore: (astonished) I thought you liked them. Male Peasant: I'm sick to bloody death of them. Female Peasant: So am I. Male Peasant: She's bloody dying and all you bring us is lupins. All we've eaten mate for the last four bleeding weeks is lupin soup, roast lupin, steamed lupin, braised lupin in lupin sauce, lupin in the basket with sauted lupins, lupin meringue pie, lupin sorbet... we sit on lupins, we sleep in lupins, we feed the cat on lupins, we burn lupins, we even wear the bloody things! Dennis Moore: Looks very smart. Male Peasant: Oh shut up! We're sick to death with the stench of them. (sound of a miaow and then a bump) Look. The cat's just choked itself to death on them. (we see a dead cat with lupins coming out of its mouth) I don't care if I never see another lupin till the day I die! Why don't you go out and steal something useful! Dennis Moore: Like what? Male Peasant: Like gold and silver and clothes and wood and jewels and... Dennis Moore: Hang on, I'll get a piece of paper. (Cut to a montage of shots of Moore riding away from the hut over which we hear the song.) Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dumdum alum the night. Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dun de dun dum plight. He steals dumdum dun And dumdum dum dee Dennis dun, Dennis dee, dum dum dum. (Cut back to the ballroom to find the same people discussing British history.) Buckingham: This, coupled with the presence of Peter and his Prussians at Mecklenburg and Charles and his Swedes in Pomerania, made George and Stanhope eager to come to terms with France. Grantley: Meanwhile, a breach had now opened with... (Moore swings in as before.) Grantley: Oh no, not again. Buckingham: Come on. Dennis Moore: Stand and deliver again! Your money, your jewellery, your... hang on. (he takes out a list) Your clothes, your snuff, your ornaments, your glasswear, your pussy cats... Buckingham: (aside to the first lady) Don't say anything about the lupins... Dennis Moore: Your watches, your lace, your spittoons... (Cut to a montage pretty much as before but with Moore riding through the glades dragging behind him a really enormous bag marked with "swag" in very olde English lettering. This bag is about twenty feet long and bumps along the ground behind the home with the appropriate sound effects to make it sound full of valuable jewels, gold, silver, etc. Song as follows.) Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Riding through the woods. Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore With a bag of things. He gives to the poor and he takes from the rich Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore. (As he arrives at the poor peasant's cottage they run out. They all open the bag together to the peasants enormous and unmeasurate joy.) Moore: Here we are. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: "THE END" More Dennis Moore... Oh, once upon a time... there lived in Wiltshire a young Chap called Dennis Moore. Now Dennis was a highwayman by profession... (we see Dennis Moore riding along with a big bag of swag) ...and for several months he had been stealing from the rich to give to the poor. One day... (Mix through to a shot of Dennis Moore arriving with another bag of goodies. The peasants who greet him are by now very smartly dressed and the cottage has been refurbished.) Dennis Moore: Here we are again, Mr Jenkins. (Dennis leaves the bag and wheels his horse around) There we are... I'll be back. (he rides off again purposefuly) (Cut to ballroom, in fact it is the same one featured in "Dennis Moore Rides Again". The walls are bare and the people are down to their undergarments. They sit around the table gnawing pieces of bread and dipping them in a watery soup. The central bowl of soup contains a lupin.) Buckingham: Meanwhile Frederick William bushy engaged in defending against the three great powers the province of Silesia... Grantley: ...which he had seized in the War of the Austrian succession against his word. First Lady: Yes, I remember. Man: ...was now dependent on Pitt's subsidies. (Moore swings in through the window. They all respond to him with listless moans of disappointment.) Dennis Moore: My lords, my ladies, on your feet, please. (he is ignored and therefore says commandingly) I must ask you to do exactly as I say or I shall be forced to shoot you right between the eyes. (they stand up hurriedly) Well not right between the eyes, I mean when I say between the eyes, obviously I don't have to be that accurate, I mean, if I hit you in that sort of area, like that, obviously, that's all right for me, I mean, I don't have to try and sort of hit a point bisecting a line drawn between your pupils or anything like that. I mean, from my point of view, it's perfectly satisfactory... First Lady: What do you want? Why are you here? Dennis Moore: Why are any of us here? I mean, when you get down to it, it's all so meaningless, isn't it? I mean what do any of us want... Buckingham: No, no, what do you want now? Dennis Moore: Oh I see, oh just the usual things, a little place of my own, the right girl... Grantley: No, no, no! What do you want from us? Dennis Moore: Oh sorry. Your gold, your silver, your jewellery. Buckingham: You've taken it all. First Lady: This is all we've got left. Dennis Moore: That's nice. I'll have them. Come on. (he takes all the spoons) Buckingham: You'd better take the bloody lupin too. Dennis Moore: Thank you very much, I've gone through that stage. (he grabs the rope and swings out again) (Short montage of Dennis riding accompanied by the song.) Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Etcetera, etcetera... (He leaps off his home and runs to the door of the hut, throws the door open and enters. The little hut is now stuffed with all possible signs of wealth and all imaginable treasures.) Male Peasant: What you got for us today then. Dennis Moore: Well I've managed to find you four very nice silver spoons Mr Jenkins. Male Peasant: (snatching them rudely.) Who do you think you are giving us poor this rubbish? Female Peasant: Bloody silver. Won't have it in the house. (throws it away) And those candlesticks you got us last week were only sixteen carat. Male Peasant: Yes, why don't you go out and steal something nice like some Venetian silver. Female Peasant: Or a Velasquez for the outside loo. Dennis Moore: Oh all right. (turns purposefully) (Usual montage of Dennis Moore riding plus song.) Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Riding through the land Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Without a merry band He steals from the poor. And gives to the rich Stupid bitch. (Dennis Moore reins to sudden halt and looks over to camera.) Dennis Moore: What did you sing? Singers: (speaking) We sang... he steals from the poor and gives to the rich. Dennis Moore: Wait a tic... blimey, this redistribution of wealth is trickier than I thought.

Celia, envious would be the greatest understatement! I'm sooo glad a handful of my friends got to be among the chosen few. At least I can say to the bashers that there were in fact some "true fans" in the audience! All my love and send your stories!!!! :bber:

I know what you mean. It was days before I realised Songbird was my dear LLM! Guess I should put some Python in here! Dennis Moore indeed!! "Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week...or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week...At least...I mean...I reckon I could hit that tree over there. Er...the one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the...you see the three trees over there? Well, the one furthest away on the right..."

Ha! Now I remember you! Yeah, I know you Alicia! Glad to see you here! My mind comes and goes, but I never forget a friendly "face".

Angi says hi! We had a great Xmas with true friends. What more could one ask? It was a great and warm day amidst troublesome times and a great break from the worries. I feel stupid asking this, because we're obviously friends, but I don't recognize your screen name. Did you have a different one on the old board? Or have I had too many beers? Either way, hugs from both of us!

I'm wearing them now. All my love Ang!

Hey, meeting cool Zepheads is a worthwhile endeavor. That's why we're here. I simply recommended that you reduce your sig for the benifit of the server. I didn't attack you, but you're clearly attacking me and calling me names. I'm a clown and and a knucklehead? Who's being the asshole here?

Then there was this day! JK, but yeah, the postcard is genuine.

Shameless self promotion here, but yes, this guy might have met Jonesy, but yes, Robert has our address and actually says hello. Sorry pal.

I just don't get it. Why the hostility? Clearly the guy doesn't know Monty Python, but still... Just because he's got a pic of himself with Jonesy doesn't amount to shit. There's a community here that's thrived for years. I'm not gonna stand for some tosser taking a piss on me. "Let's roll". This little wanker should walk softer among strangers.

DUDE, what the fuck are you talking about?? This is a Monty Python appreciation thread, and that's from one of their movies. Duh!

Classic!!! But nothing beats the Germans!! Then again the episode with O'Reilly plastering up the stairway is a gem! Then again, when Kurt's "potted the shrimps under the table"...

Mr. Hamilton announces that they are leaving and confronts Basil in the foyer. In front of the other guests he tells Basil that his hotel is a disgrace. Other guests join in complaining about the food and the service. Basil responds by telling them all to leave. Sybil challenges him and he decides that instead he will leave, putting Sybil in charge of dealing with the guests and their complaints. Basil walks outside the hotel to discover it is raining. After a few seconds he rethinks, returns to the hotel and asks for a room. The episode ends with him demanding breakfast in bed and a Waldorf salad with "lashings of hot screwdriver".

Yes, Zeppelin and Floyd contributed funds for the movie. Robert even made Python references during shows in 1975. George Harrison set up Handmade Films to produce Life of Brian when EMI pulled out of the project.

Or lashings of hot screwdriver???

Hey, arm tattoo guy, what was your name on the old board? Methinks I know you!

Anyone for a Waldorf Salad??

FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Aye, very passable, that, very passable bit of risotto. SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: Nothing like a good glass of Château de Chasselas, eh, Josiah? THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: You're right there, Obadiah. FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: Who'd have thought thirty year ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Château de Chasselas, eh? FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: In them days we was glad to have the price of a cup o' tea. SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: A cup o' cold tea. FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: Without milk or sugar. THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: Or tea. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: In a cracked cup, an' all. FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper. SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth. THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Because we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness, son". FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: Aye, 'e was right. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Aye, 'e was. FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: I was happier then and I had nothin'. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof. SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, 'alf the floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of falling. THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: Eh, you were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in t' corridor! FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Oh, we used to dream of livin' in a corridor! Would ha' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House? Huh. FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: Well, when I say 'house' it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us. SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: We were evicted from our 'ole in the ground; we 'ad to go and live in a lake. THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us living in t' shoebox in t' middle o' road. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: Cardboard box? THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: Aye. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down t' mill, fourteen hours a day, week-in week-out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home our Dad would thrash us to sleep wi' his belt. SECOND YORKSHIREMAN: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of 'ot gravel, work twenty hour day at mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky! THIRD YORKSHIREMAN: Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to 'ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o'clock at night and lick road clean wit' tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit' bread knife. FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah. FIRST YORKSHIREMAN: And you try and tell the young people of today that ..... they won't believe you. ALL: They won't!

If you mean suggestions for other movies to check out, Life of Brian and The Meaning of Life, as well as Live at the Hollywood Bowl. If you're suggesting ideas for another movie, without Graham Chapman, never.

Bloody Romans!! REG: Yeah. All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?! XERXES: The aqueduct? REG: What? XERXES: The aqueduct. REG: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah. COMMANDO #3: And the sanitation. LORETTA: Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like? REG: Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done. MATTHIAS: And the roads. REG: Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads-- COMMANDO: Irrigation. XERXES: Medicine. COMMANDOS: Huh? Heh? Huh... COMMANDO #2: Education. COMMANDOS: Ohh... REG: Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough. COMMANDO #1: And the wine. COMMANDOS: Oh, yes. Yeah... FRANCIS: Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh. COMMANDO: Public baths. LORETTA: And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg. FRANCIS: Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this. COMMANDOS: Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. REG: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us? XERXES: Brought peace. REG: Oh. Peace? Shut up!

Here, about 70 miles east of Los Angeles (Lake Elsinore), it's cloudy and chilly, chilly of course being a relative term when you're from Southern California. I'm wearing a sweater indoors, but I have the windows wide open (go figure). What can I say? I'm a smoker who lives with a non-smoker, so I make her shiver while providing her fresh air!

Hi Celia!!!! Beer and kisses!! How can we go wrong??

Cool. I've missed her (and you). It's quiet in here today. Bilbo, Sam, Celia, Calia, Knebs, Pilot, 59, Manders, where you at???

Getting by sweetie. My band's having a jam tomorrow, so the neighbors will be getting some high volume Zeppelin rocking their walls! It'll be good to plug the ol' Les Paul in and "turn a Page or two"!

That brings back a memory (dunno why). KISS were playing in LA a few years back. During Love Gun, Paul would ride a wire out to the middle of the arena. On this occasion, the wire stalled half way out. Paul was stranded over the crowd! He said "I'm tryin Los Angeles! I'm tryin!". Off topic, but a funny moment! Then there was the time I was backstage in Fresno. Erin and Gigi were putting the costumes into the road cases after the show, while Aerosmith was taking the stage. I'll never forget the look on Gigi's face when she remarked how foul Gene's leathers stank!