COOPERISMS, One or Two Line Jokes.

[BIGDAN]

Hi T Y'All,

Tommy Cooper, my all time favourite comedian, here's a Topic dedicated to Him and His Humour.

OK i'll start,

"I Went to the paper shop - it had blown away."

"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any."

"I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years."

"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone."

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

You gotta love em, more to follow.

Regards, Danny

[BIGDAN]

[BIGDAN]

[Oracle]

Frankfurter stand in the Gay section of town,

Dick's Hot Dogs;

You like hot dogs, you'll like dicks !

The foot longer's were the big sellers !

[BIGDAN]

"A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'"

"A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'."

"A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'."

"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."

"Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace. "

[BIGDAN]

[BIGDAN]

"Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners."

"I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind? So he gave me a kite."

"I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'"

"I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

[BIGDAN]

'I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are... '

I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' I said 'you have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

[Anjin-san]

Hi all,

Sorry lad:

Henry Youngman

Way before Coop

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

Take my wife... Please!

Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Henny Youngman

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Henny Youngman

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Henny Youngman

KB

[Cecil.]

Good Topic

[zdr]

Too good

[BIGDAN]

Hi all,

Sorry lad:

Henry Youngman

Way before Coop

Hi Kev,

Don't be sorry, just be thankful, that my fist cant reach ya. Ba Boom

Henry Youngman was born in Liverpool England, the worst thing he ever did was to move to Brooklyn. Ba Boom.

What was the difference between Henry and Tommy, Tommy could make you laugh without even speaking. Ba Boom.

If you wanted to Hijack my Topic you only had to ask, So carry on Dad its what you do best, Ba Boom

Very Kind Regards, Danny

[Oracle]

^ KB was hi-jacking ?

I thought he was just contributing !

[BIGDAN]

^ KB was hi-jacking ?

I thought he was just contributing !

Hi Oracle,

If "I" say he was Hijacking then you can take it too the bank, this Thread is about "Cooperisms" and is a Tribute to the Humour that was and is "Tommy Cooper", if he wanted to talk about Henny Youngman then he can do a Topic on Him and not Piss on my Parade.

Regards, Danny

PS, I know that there were many Comedians both before and after Tommy Cooper that did "One Liners" but Tommy was the Best Comedian and the Funniest Man ever to Grace my TV screen, bar none. In my honest opinion.

[BIGDAN]

[BIGDAN]

[redrum]

I once sang in Carnegie Hall, and they kicked me out of my seat!

[BIGDAN]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDYzAzTWu9A&NR=1

[BIGDAN]

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'

Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' .And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.

''Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

[Anjin-san]

Hi all,

Hi Kev,

Don't be sorry, just be thankful, that my fist cant reach ya. Ba Boom

Henry Youngman was born in Liverpool England, the worst thing he ever did was to move to Brooklyn. Ba Boom.

What was the difference between Henry and Tommy, Tommy could make you laugh without even speaking. Ba Boom.

If you wanted to Hijack my Topic you only had to ask, So carry on Dad its what you do best, Ba Boom

Very Kind Regards, Danny

Two way street,that. Are we having a bit of a row?

Tommy is a laugh!We didn't get him here,.....

Now,would you care to step out?

KB

[BIGDAN]

Hi all,

Two way street,that. Are we having a bit of a row?

Tommy is a laugh!We didn't get him here,.....

Now,would you care to step out?

KB

Hi Kev,

Are we having a bit of row? bit of a row? bit of a row? no this is war.

Meet me just left of the Icelandic Volcano at about 9 tonight, I'll be there 3 hours before you though, GMT, bring a second and 2 single shot pistols, if that doesn't suffice then we will have to resort to fisty cuffs, i must tell you I'm a 9th Degree Black Belt in Hair Pulling, Eye Gouging, Nose Biting, Finger Bending, Spitting and Foot Stomping, so if you wanna pull out now I will understand, then we can just taunt each other across the pond for an hour or so, that's f you like?

You didn't get Tommy? well that's a shame, he might not seem as funny to you as he does to us as i know how humour sometimes doesn't travel well, you only have to look at the humourless Krauts and Frogs for that but we English will laugh at anything including ourselves.

Don't worry about the hijacking of my thread, I'm nearly done with it now so if you wanna post something feel free, only ask next time, OK?

Very Kind Regards, Danny

Edited August 8, 2010 by BIGDAN

[Ady]

Tommy Cooper found in meat pie

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/6336679/Tommy-Cooper-found-in-meat-pie.html

A fish shop owner, Crad Jones, found a vision of comic legend Tommy Cooper in the pastry of a meat pie.

Mr Jones reckons the markings on the steak pie are the spitting image of the fez-wearing comedian - just like that!.

The 45 year-old said other customers recognised it as Cooper who was born in the same town in Caerphillly, South Wales.

He said: "I was about to eat my lunch in the shop when I noticed the resemblance of Tommy Cooper on the bottom of it.

"The comparison was amazing. It was definitely Tommy Cooper - I always thought he was great.

"I called my daughter over and she recognised it as Tommy Cooper too. I got the pictures because I thought no-one would believe me."

Mr Jones owns The Codfather's Plaice in Trethomas, Caerphilly, where Tommy was born in 1921.

Tommy died on stage in April 1984 aged 63. He is commemorated with a bronze statue of him placed in the centre of Caerphilly - officially unveiled by one of his biggest fans, actor Sir Anthony Hopkins.

Fun-loving Mr Jones saw the funny side of Cooper in the £1.60 premier steak pie made by local baker's Peters Pies.

He said: "Tommy has always been in the upper crust as far as I'm concerned.

"But I ate the pie straight after the pictures were taken. It went down a treat - just like that!"

* One of Tommy's favourite jokes was: "I popped into my local the other day and had the shepherd's pie. He was furious."

[Anjin-san]

Hi all,

Hi Kev,

Are we having a bit of row? bit of a row? bit of a row? no this is war.

Meet me just left of the Icelandic Volcano at about 9 tonight, I'll be there 3 hours before you though, GMT, bring a second and 2 single shot pistols, if that doesn't suffice then we will have to resort to fisty cuffs, i must tell you I'm a 9th Degree Black Belt in Hair Pulling, Eye Gouging, Nose Biting, Finger Bending, Spitting and Foot Stomping, so if you wanna pull out now I will understand, then we can just taunt each other across the pond for an hour or so, that's f you like?

You didn't get Tommy? well that's a shame, he might not seem as funny to you as he does to us as i know how humour sometimes doesn't travel well, you only have to look at the humourless Krauts and Frogs for that but we English will laugh at anything including ourselves.

Don't worry about the hijacking of my thread, I'm nearly done with it now so if you wanna post something feel free, only ask next time, OK?

Very Kind Regards, Danny

Brother Danny,

Knickers in a twist?

I see,...

That is all I'll say,as I prepare the Claymores,grenade launchers, .308 rifle and the Gatling guns.Sounds fun,what time again?

KB

[BIGDAN]

Hi all,

Brother Danny,

Knickers in a twist?

I see,...

That is all I'll say,as I prepare the Claymores,grenade launchers, .308 rifle and the Gatling guns.Sounds fun,what time again?

KB

From Misses BIGDAN,

Now now Boys, play nicely, them Airfix toys cost a lot of money so you ain't gonna start breaking them.

OI YOU (BIGDAN) get home right now you naughty boy, no supper for you tonight and you're grounded for a month, now take that, (Big toe inserted in to arse) go on, home wid ya.

Very Kind Regards, Misses BIGDAN

Hi Kev,

I cant come out tonight, I'll be in touch.

Very Kind Regards, Danny

[BIGDAN]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."