Mother's

[Brigid]

My mom delivered me a month before her 17th birthday - and I have felt the pain ever since. At first I was here plaything, her little doll to dress up. I once asked a professional person if he felt that a baby in the womb could tell if they were wanted or not - he felt they could - I know I could.

I never knew my biological "father" but if there is a negative thing about me I got it from him, so she says, unless it's my looks then I got them from her. I find that it is getting worse as time goes on, I'm 47 shes 64 - We have nothing in common except for my twin sons which I adopted. I was blessed to have adopted and the fact they were boys was even better, I was afraid to have girls because I thought I would treat them as poorly as she did I. Although I have a sister that is 44 and they have always been close.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me because it was Mothers Day - I'm a great mom and I am told that frequently however my mom doesn' feel I am - my sons love me and I love them, we spent the day gardening, planting roses and flowers together - we are a happy family of three. While it was great to be with my children and celebrate the day, I couldn't help shaking off the feeling of sadness.

What's worse is that I really don't like her nor do I love her and I suppose I should feel quilty and I do, but if she wasn't the vessel to get me here I wouldnt have any association with her at all....

When I was 4 and 12 I was molested - the incident of when I was 12 is so deeply buried, I asked her a few years if she remembered anything - she told me to "let it go" and she said I didn't want to to talk about it so she didn't make me. I can't remember the conversation but If I would have been a mother of a 12 year old girl that had been missing and was found, I would have asked questions, got me into therapy - I guess I'm angry at her because she didn't protect me - I know I'm angry.......

This is my first time doing this, my BF just told me about it - Have an awesome day

[slave to zep]

my heart is breaking for you. no one should have to go through what you have. if you want to have therapy, have it. i don't know your financial situation, but if you aren't well off, hopefully there are some free services in your area also.

if it were me in your situation, i would most likely just not see her anymore. it seems that she isn't a nice person to be around, and i stay away from negative and/or toxic people as much as i can. i know she is your mother biologically, but that does not give her permission to treat you that way. i am guessing that something happened in her past, perhaps in childhood that hardened her so. if she is willing to talk and wants to reconcile with you, then great. but it seems that she is unwilling to take responsibility for her actions, and i'm sorry, but you are in your 40's now, how much longer are you going to let her have power over you ?

i also want to applaud you for not repeating the behaviour as so often is the case. i am so glad that you have a happy and loving relationship with your sons.

i would just go to her and say " mum, i am done. i can't live like this another day. i am not going to be seeing you anymore. i am moving on with my life. i hope you will be happy, and if you ever want to reconcile, then let me know. but until then, goodbye."

i wish you all the best.

[~tangerine~]

My mom delivered me a month before her 17th birthday - and I have felt the pain ever since. At first I was here plaything, her little doll to dress up. I once asked a professional person if he felt that a baby in the womb could tell if they were wanted or not - he felt they could - I know I could.

I never knew my biological "father" but if there is a negative thing about me I got it from him, so she says, unless it's my looks then I got them from her. I find that it is getting worse as time goes on, I'm 47 shes 64 - We have nothing in common except for my twin sons which I adopted. I was blessed to have adopted and the fact they were boys was even better, I was afraid to have girls because I thought I would treat them as poorly as she did I. Although I have a sister that is 44 and they have always been close.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me because it was Mothers Day - I'm a great mom and I am told that frequently however my mom doesn' feel I am - my sons love me and I love them, we spent the day gardening, planting roses and flowers together - we are a happy family of three. While it was great to be with my children and celebrate the day, I couldn't help shaking off the feeling of sadness.

What's worse is that I really don't like her nor do I love her and I suppose I should feel quilty and I do, but if she wasn't the vessel to get me here I wouldnt have any association with her at all....

When I was 4 and 12 I was molested - the incident of when I was 12 is so deeply buried, I asked her a few years if she remembered anything - she told me to "let it go" and she said I didn't want to to talk about it so she didn't make me. I can't remember the conversation but If I would have been a mother of a 12 year old girl that had been missing and was found, I would have asked questions, got me into therapy - I guess I'm angry at her because she didn't protect me - I know I'm angry.......

This is my first time doing this, my BF just told me about it - Have an awesome day

You have certainly been through alot of sadness. I can't imagine ever losing my mom, and hope she lives to be a healthy 150! A good mom is the best friend a girl can have and i am grateful for mine everyday. All children deserve one, and so since you sound like one yourself, take pride in that and let that be your focus. It's not YOUR fault your mom is the way she is. It is her fault and she should feel the guilt. As far as you not loving her, i imagine i would not love a parent like that either. I know they say that children will love parents, even when they are abused by them, but i clearly remember ONE time (it only happened once) my dad hit me, i was 13 and deserved!!! it... but i was pissed off at him for years over it. If i never felt loved by one of my parents, i doubt i would love in return.

My four and a half year old daughter says she remembers before being born (when i talk to her about it). I tell her often how my siamese cat (her favorite of the two we have) would lay on my belly and purr into her ear and she says that made her feel good When i tell her how she held onto my ribs and squeezed them causing me pain all the time, for months, she laughs and says, i thought that was food in your tummy.

It's sad you were molested as well... as mentioned, therapy may be the best way to deal with it. You can't make your mother talk, but i would want to know what happened. You have every right to be furious with her for not disclosing what she knows to you. At least a professional can help you put it behind you. I have a close friend who was abused at an early age and finally got therapy a few years back. She was even able to sort of forgive her father, enough to invite him to her wedding.

I have found very personally, that some people are better parents than others. My daughter has a great family who love her without limits, and so i hope as she gets older she won't feel any guilt over a father that doesn't care. I will always make sure she clearly understands that he is the bastard and it has nothing to do with her. His ignorance to his own child did make me feel bitter this Mother's Day

Keep being a great mom to your sons and give them all the love in your heart! As sad as your strained relationship with your own mom is, always remember you did nothing wrong.

[Fan_S.]

Dearest Brigid, my heart breaks for you as well. It's really hard to be without a constant lump in your throat when a sibling is clearly favored over you. I'm so sorry. Just lift your heart as you come to realize that it's not your fault that all of this occurred. Remind yourself that you have a lot to offer as well, as evidenced in your twins' love. It is truly despicable how she did not watch over you. At least your mother loves your sons. I warmly commend you in your courage to talk about something which pains you deeply. Maybe in time, a long time maybe, you'll find a way to reconcile before it's too late. All the best to you and your loved ones!

[eternal light]

We all have a mother in heaven who loves us.

It is important to forgive our earthly mothers for being less than perfect, and essential to forgive ourselves for the natural anger that we experience as a reaction.

After all, how dare she not love and protect us when we are helpless children? That is part of her role where she failed.

"Let it go" is excellent advice from your mother, nevertheless, despite herself. But how do you let it go if it consumes you? That is where therapy can help.

Concentrate on the sources of true affection and kindness that you get from others in your life.

Admit to your mother, or at least yourself that you are deeply disappointed and angry over your mother's inadequate treatment of you as a child, and that you wish she had done better.

You don't even have to say it directly to her. You can pretend that she is there listening as if you are playing a part in a drama, just to release the anger.

Then allow yourself to smile and congratulate yourself on getting it out of your system in a positive way.

Then force yourself to be genuinely nice to your mother as if she were your favorite person in the world. Give yourself points for being gracious and be proud of yourself.

She may never see the error of her ways or she may surprise you with an apology.

Thank her for giving you life. Learn about her ancestry while she is still here. You only have a short time to find out about your family history as you will probably survive her.

Always honor your parents, however imperfect they might be, so that you may truly honor yourself.

[Angel With A Broken Wing]

John Lennon can be therapeutic. Listen to this song several times followed by an hour of primal screaming daily and you'll feel better in no time.

John Lennon, "Mother"

[slave to zep]

sorry eternal light, i don't think she deseves to be honoured just by" being ". honour and respect are earned from and by each of us. at least, in my opinion.

[eternal light]

We lose respect for ourselves when we fail to honor our parents, even if they make terrible mistakes.

This is not to condone their mistakes.

Being thankful for the life our parents gave us eases the weight of the cross we bear.

Forgiving them despite the horrible things they may do empowers us in our lives, whether they deserve it or not.

Forgiving them keeps us in a state of grace. It's a way of being nice to yourself when the chips are down.

Don't plague yourself because your parents are not perfect. Allow yourself to be a happy, fulfilled person while you are blessed with the gift of life.

[slave to zep]

We lose respect for ourselves when we fail to honor our parents, even if they make terrible mistakes.

This is not to condone their mistakes.

Being thankful for the life our parents gave us eases the weight of the cross we bear.

i would lose respect for myself and from my friends if i were to honour a person like the one in question. making a mistake is one thing, we all do it. but this is far more than a simple mistake. i believe this woman, for whatever reason, has chosen to live a miserable life and to impose this onto her daughter. i think the daughter would be much better off without her in her life, unless the mother is willing to accept responsibility for all the hurt she has caused. of course we are only hearing one side of this story, and that's what i am basing my comments on, but i really wouldn't have that person in my life a minute longer.

i am all for forgiveness, but only after it has been asked for, and only if it's genuine.

[eternal light]

Boundaries are important with parents.

Allowing yourself to love your parents unconditionally lets you heal.

It does not condone their faults.

[~tangerine~]

Boundaries are important with parents.

Allowing yourself to love your parents unconditionally lets you heal.

It does not condone their faults.

Neglect (which is what i saw by the post) and abuse, or allowing it to occur to your child, can be unforgivable acts, imo. Adding to the fact that the mother doesn't seem to have made any effort to rectify the situation with her child? Maybe group therapy would be a good place to start if the mom wants to make things right. Other than the mom communicating love and shame over her failures, i say she's not worth the misery.

[eternal light]

Neglect and abuse are challenging and hard to forgive but not entirely unforgivable.

Forgiving your parent for neglect and abuse ultimately heals and empowers you.

It does not condone the mistreatment that you suffered.

What the mother did is still wrong.

Forgiving requires baby steps and does not always happen overnight.

[slave to zep]

Neglect and abuse are challenging and hard to forgive but not entirely unforgivable.

Forgiving your parent for neglect and abuse ultimately heals and empowers you.

It does not condone the mistreatment that you suffered.

What the mother did is still wrong.

Forgiving requires baby steps and does not always happen overnight.

but it seems the mother has not asked for ( or even wants ) forgiveness. until she does, i would just move on.

[~tangerine~]

Neglect and abuse are challenging and hard to forgive but not entirely unforgivable.

Forgiving your parent for neglect and abuse ultimately heals and empowers you.

It does not condone the mistreatment that you suffered.

What the mother did is still wrong.

Forgiving requires baby steps and does not always happen overnight.

If the mother doesn't meet the daughter half way, there is no chance. You first suggested giving unconditional love to the parent, although the child is the one who has been mistreated, all her life. I think the parent should be giving the unconditional love. I try to do this every day! In return, i am told often during the day, spontaneously, that i am loved. I think i'm on the right track. This mother in question needs therapy, and i think if the daughter wants a resolution, she should suggest this approach, or just move on (as slave to zep has said).

[eternal light]

A person can carry loathing of a parent with her well after a parent is deceased.

Her mother's work in this world will be over in a few short years.

But for oneself to relieve the burden of anger towards a parent who in many ways has already moved on, you must give yourself a chance.

She is an adult now, but struggling with her inner emotions and grief over a lack of nurturing from her now aging mother.

In order to nurture herself now as a healing adult, she can hope to someday forgive her mother for her shortcomings, knowing that her heavenly mother will always love her.

To move on, one must adequately deal with the consuming anger that is naturally experienced where a parent has failed a child.

She should be proud of herself that she has succeeded in being a good mother despite her own mother's failure.

She is strong. Her mother is a weak and hollow person in some ways. Who should she feel sorry for, the one who is doing well in her life, or the one who has failed?

I would be grateful for my cup that is so wonderfully half-full.

[~tangerine~]

A person can carry loathing of a parent with her well after a parent is deceased.

Her mother's work in this world will be over in a few short years.

But for oneself to relieve the burden of anger towards a parent who in many ways has already moved on, you must give yourself a chance.

She is an adult now, but struggling with her inner emotions and grief over a lack of nurturing from her now aging mother.

In order to nurture herself now as a healing adult, she can hope to someday forgive her mother for her shortcomings, knowing that her heavenly mother will always love her.

To move on, one must adequately deal with the consuming anger that is naturally experienced where a parent has failed a child.

She should be proud of herself that she has succeeded in being a good mother despite her own mother's failure.

She is strong. Her mother is a weak and hollow person in some ways. Who should she feel sorry for, the one who is doing well in her life, or the one who has failed?

I would be grateful for my cup that is so wonderfully half-full.

I am glad she is doing so well as a parent. That is a blessing since she didn't have a good role model to follow. I think she should seek professional help to cleanse herself. What you say sounds good, but it's not what everyone would do. I will just add i am glad i don't have such an issue in my life to deal with. I love my parents, they have always been there for me any time i needed them, i never for a second wondered if they love me or my sisters. They have extended the same love to my child, who needs them as much as i do. I hope things turn out well for this person.

[eternal light]

Each person finds her own way to best cope with the challenges.

The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley

But I think its about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain

There's a yearning undefined

And people filled with rage

We all need a little tenderness

How can love survive in such a graceless age?

The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness

They're the very things - we kill I guess

Pride and competition

Cannot fill these empty arms

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are people in your life who've come and gone

They let you down you know they hurt your pride

You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on

You keep carry'in that anger; it'll eat you up inside, baby

She was a young mother with so much to learn.

Try a Little Tenderness by Otis Redding

[~tangerine~]

Each person finds her own way to best cope with the challenges.

She was a young mother with so much to learn.

Try a Little Tenderness by Otis Redding

Not everyone "copes". Many people turn to drugs, alcohol, etc.

Anyway, great Don Henley song, about an old girlfriend who moves on... a little different than a parent/child relationship, but i see what your meaning was. Great tour, too, i saw Don on the End of the Innocence tour in 1990!

[DRUNK08]

This is obviously an extremely unhealthy situation, and you'd be better off minimizing contact or cutting off the relationship entirely. Over time, you will move away and forget about all of these issues, unless directly reminded.

People that aren't there to help you/or negatively affect you, need to be eliminated from your life.

What is the possible positive outcome from this relationship? She obviously is old, stuck in her ways, and at this point, I don't think she is really going to "get it".

Ignorance, denial, and no possibility of progress=no growth or resolution.

At this point, you need to break away.

[eternal light]

Or at least establish boundaries.

Focus on the positive and let go of the negative stuff.

[redrum]

Well, just going by the thread title, my Mother called me an ape once.

But I only really got along well with her in the last few years of her life.

It's a long story but it was after I'd recuperated from a bad LSD experience.

[Brigid]

Thank you for your kinds words - I must admit that I was surprised that anyone would respond to something I wrote - I have distanted myself from her but at times it's difficult. You are right she didn't have the best of circumstances growing up with alcoholic parents who weren't there for her. When I think with my head I understand her, yet when I feel with my heart or her actions i think, she had a choice - a choice not to repeat the pattern. Because I have distanced myself and feel differently I'm like the black sheep of the family, which actually has it's advantages I don't have to attend all the obligatory family gatherings, which is fine with me.

What a freeing feeling being able to write how I felt on a given day and have people comment with such loving and caring words to a complete stranger. I haven't read all the comments but I think one said I owe her as a mother LOL - I will respond to that one, I don't owe my mom anything - and when I finally realize that then I will be entirely set free. Have a nice evening and again thank you. Brigid.

my heart is breaking for you. no one should have to go through what you have. if you want to have therapy, have it. i don't know your financial situation, but if you aren't well off, hopefully there are some free services in your area also.

if it were me in your situation, i would most likely just not see her anymore. it seems that she isn't a nice person to be around, and i stay away from negative and/or toxic people as much as i can. i know she is your mother biologically, but that does not give her permission to treat you that way. i am guessing that something happened in her past, perhaps in childhood that hardened her so. if she is willing to talk and wants to reconcile with you, then great. but it seems that she is unwilling to take responsibility for her actions, and i'm sorry, but you are in your 40's now, how much longer are you going to let her have power over you ?

i also want to applaud you for not repeating the behaviour as so often is the case. i am so glad that you have a happy and loving relationship with your sons.

i would just go to her and say " mum, i am done. i can't live like this another day. i am not going to be seeing you anymore. i am moving on with my life. i hope you will be happy, and if you ever want to reconcile, then let me know. but until then, goodbye."

i wish you all the best.

[eternal light]

I owe my life to my mother, father and the one who created them.

[Brigid]

Eternal life:

Obviously you are very close with your parents and your circumstances are different than mine. I appreciate your comments.

What I posted on Monday was a let down of mothers day - I dont want to come off as un happy, ungrateful person. I am truly blessed in many ways - as I get older I see that, I only have people around the are nourishing at this point of my life. I've had cancer twice and see the beauty in the world around me. I'm truly an happy person and am always smiling. That is until my mom enters the room - the ground rules were set as a child and they have remained the same throughout my life, I have accepted that and I disagree with you, I don't owe my mom anything.

My mother was 16, she got pregnant on purpose to "get out of the house", her parents were alcoholics and she choose an abusive product of alcoholics to help her "escape", again her life was not perfect, however the conditions that she brought me into to world were very self serving, she used me then as she uses me now. The difference now is that I can do something about it. I have twin sons that I adopted because I couldn't have children, my sons are so precious to me I would never let anything happen to them - my sons don't have to "know" I love them they "feel" my love.

I suppose I should be grateful to my mom because she showed me "what kind of mother NOT to be". My children see me laugh with them, I didn't, they still call me mommy, we talk all the time - because of my mom - I am a good mom.

My mother, neglected, abused, told me because I was born I ruined her life - my answer to that is, I wasn't the one who layed down with some guy and got pregnant - !! She made her choice. She speaks ill of me to my children - this woman enjoys messing with childrens head, I believe she does this to get at me. Although it backfires because my sons always tell me and I can explain what she is talking abou.

I don't honor her, however I do treat her with respect, people don't know how I really feel, I play the game for her - so that is my gift to her is not humilate her, or mistreat her or neglect as she did me.

My therapist as with many of the post comments wants me to distance myself from her and for my health and those I love it's the best for all. She has her golden child my sister which she adores and I have my children, some close family members and an awesome encouranging bunch of friends and I am happy.

I owe my life to my mother, father and the one who created them.

[eternal light]

I owe it to myself to respect myself.

It is difficult when visiting a parent brings back painful memories.

I limit myself to pleasant exchanges with my parents and only wish them joy and comfort. I have learned a lot from both of them and have been blessed in that regard.

Mothers make mistakes sometimes. Mine certainly made her share.

I am an adult now. My mother cannot use me unless I let her.

She told me once that she was always glad that she had given birth to her children.

You did not ruin your mother's life. She may be mourning the loss of her carefree teens, but that happened due to her choices, not yours.

She sounds as if she may be releasing her anger and frustration at herself and projecting it onto you. Perhaps it is too painful for her to admit that she was at fault. It may seem easier to her to put the blame on her child. She may still be dealing with her own issues, those that have nothing to do with you.

She nearly defines the word dysfunctional in this regard because rather than confront you directly she complains to another family member. Someday you'll be able to laugh about it. It is kind of silly at times the way people run away from themselves.

Her speaking ill of you to your children tells me that she lacks self-respect. She may really be talking about how she thinks of herself when she criticizes you. It may not be so much to get at you as to attempt to vent her frustration with herself. She leans on you in that way. You are the psychological crutch that she uses when she runs away from herself.

It is good that you treat her well and maintain yourself in a state of grace. That counts as honor in a way. It is not a dishonor to be respectful.

I guess you explain that sort of thing to the children as grandma being a little confused at times and remind them to pray for her.

Perhaps your mother could benefit from yoga to release tension and become more centered. She seems to have so much turmoil within that drives her to create chaos.

My grandmother loved visiting

when she took a vacation. Your mother might like it there.

It's as if she has a split personality. Your sister represents your mother's good side, and you are the repository of all that your mother has not yet come to terms with in regard to herself, which means of course that there always has to be something wrong with you until she finally deals with her issues. Unfortunately you can't make her do that. She will have to do it when she is ready, all by herself.

Distance sounds good. Boundaries are very important.