Suz Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I've made no secret of my non-religiosity here, but I have to tell you- after I lost someone that way, I ended up in a church. It had been 6 months since the death and I was afriad of disappearing into my grief. I got up to take a walk because I had to do something physical to believe I was real. 2 blocks later I was sitting in a dark church crying. That's when I think I finally "got" religion (Christianity, anyway). It's the place you can go when there's no place else to go. I found that to be very profound at the time. It helped me get a little peace, because I knew I wouldn't be able to find it within myself for a long time. I am still grateful for that experience. Here you are, Stonefree, still with us, thank goodness. Maybe just being is more what it's about than always doing, doing, doing... you know? I think sometimes we do too much because we're afraid of just being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dzldoc Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I've made no secret of my non-religiosity here, but I have to tell you- after I lost someone that way, I ended up in a church. It had been 6 months since the death and I was afriad of disappearing into my grief. I got up to take a walk because I had to do something physical to believe I was real. 2 blocks later I was sitting in a dark church crying. That's when I think I finally "got" religion (Christianity, anyway). It's the place you can go when there's no place else to go. I found that to be very profound at the time. It helped me get a little peace, because I knew I wouldn't be able to find it within myself for a long time. I am still grateful for that experience. Here you are, Stonefree, still with us, thank goodness. Maybe just being is more what it's about than always doing, doing, doing... you know? I think sometimes we do too much because we're afraid of just being. I had to look this word up I'd never heard of this before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suz Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I had to look this word up I'd never heard of this before. I didn't even think it WAS a word! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Maybe your mother is right: I am a worthless piece of shit. Here's the plan; when people say things like that to you, you must turn a deaf ear; do not take those cruel words into your soul. Open your soul only to kind words from those around you who have the best intentions. Remember your children need you, so take good care of yourself. You owe it to them and yourself to start to choose better relationships. Gracefully let go of the destructive forces in your life, and forgive those who harm you so you can empower yourself. Any weight you find too much to bear, give to your Father in heaven. Stop punishing yourself by choosing poor relationships. From now on, focus on improving the relationships you have, and choose better ones in the future; think of it as damage control. Spend more of your time talking with people who make you smile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 I didn't even think it WAS a word! It's ok. I make up words all the time! I can find myself heading in that direction, 'religion' that is. It's just hard to accept because my friend from '93 that committed suicide, well, we were both addicts/alcoholics who got clean together and gave ourselves to Christ. We were going to meetings and bible studies together! Afterwards, we would sit in his car (he would give me a ride home) and talk about the power of the Holy Spirit...I dont really like to talk about religion, per se, but let's just say that us just talking about the Spirit and the such, well, I can honestly say we would 'get high'...I've never, ever felt such an euphoria, an elation of my spirit...we shared this incredibly personal bond through addiction, recovery, and Christianity. I dont think I will ever, ever, be able to forgive myself for what happened next: I relapsed and slipped away from him and Jesus...within the next six months or so, he met his future wife and she became pregnant shortly thereafter...well the rest is history. The guilt will never go away as long as I live. Right after his wife's (and childs') wake, there was a 'feed' at my stepmothers' house. He came and I sat and ate with him and grieved for his loss. The ever-so-fucked up thing...omg...after we ate (after the burial), I left him to go drinking (my step mom was also in 'recovery') somewhere to ease my pain...and never saw him alive again...he shut himself in his house for six weeks, wouldn't answer his phone or door...and then the end came...GOD FORGIVE ME!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 GOD FORGIVE ME!!! He understands what happened and forgives you; just take His hand." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Like others have said Depression is treatable athough it feels like you are in a place of no return. I have a very good friend who suffers from this and she often resents that she must take daily medication to be in a "good place" as she calls it, but she now compares it to being diabetic. Each can live full healthy lives with just a little bit of help. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake of Shadows Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 It's ok. I make up words all the time! I can find myself heading in that direction, 'religion' that is. It's just hard to accept because my friend from '93 that committed suicide, well, we were both addicts/alcoholics who got clean together and gave ourselves to Christ. We were going to meetings and bible studies together! Afterwards, we would sit in his car (he would give me a ride home) and talk about the power of the Holy Spirit...I dont really like to talk about religion, per se, but let's just say that us just talking about the Spirit and the such, well, I can honestly say we would 'get high'...I've never, ever felt such an euphoria, an elation of my spirit...we shared this incredibly personal bond through addiction, recovery, and Christianity. I dont think I will ever, ever, be able to forgive myself for what happened next: I relapsed and slipped away from him and Jesus...within the next six months or so, he met his future wife and she became pregnant shortly thereafter...well the rest is history. The guilt will never go away as long as I live. Right after his wife's (and childs') wake, there was a 'feed' at my stepmothers' house. He came and I sat and ate with him and grieved for his loss. The ever-so-fucked up thing...omg...after we ate (after the burial), I left him to go drinking (my step mom was also in 'recovery') somewhere to ease my pain...and never saw him alive again...he shut himself in his house for six weeks, wouldn't answer his phone or door...and then the end came...GOD FORGIVE ME!!! I hope you've gotten clean again... or if not, will do so. You already know that recovery can work. A lot of addicts relapse, and some make it back into recovery. Some don't. If you haven't yet, you have the opportunity... and the choice... to do so now. Feeling guilty and remorseful about past events and past behavior doesn't have to keep you out of recovery, nor does it have to take you back out if you are already back in recovery. If you want to make amends to God, to your friend, and to yourself, then getting and staying clean is a good start. This next part might sound harsh, but it is truth, and I hope you or whomever else will take it as intended. No matter what you have done, others have done 'worse', and others have not. Of course God can forgive you, and if God can forgive you, then who the hell are you that you can't learn to do the same? Recovery is a lifelong process with ups and downs, and some really painful stuff sometimes. Life on life's terms, etc. By working on that spiritual relationship with God, you can heal, and you can get better. I know that sometimes depression seems almost insurmountable and the pain unbearable. But, as others have already mentioned, there is help. You said you of all people should know better... but suicide isn't an intellectual thing, it's a heart and soul thing. There can come a point where the suicidal person can't see beyond his or her own pain. I don't know if suicide is/was tempting because you truly wanted to die or if it seemed like the only way to make the pain go away. I ask that if you reach that point again, that you just put it off... for the day, or the hour, or even just five friggin' minutes if that's all you can manage at the time. You can always change your mind later. One other suggestion I have is that you write down a few phone numbers and stick them in your wallet or pocket or whatever... some hotline numbers for AA, NA, Suicide hotline, a couple people to talk to, etc. When a person hits that point, the idea of looking up a phone number and then making a call can seem almost overwhelming. If you have those numbers on hand at all times, it might be easier to make that call. Take care... and I'm glad you're still here. Like others have said Depression is treatable athough it feels like you are in a place of no return. I have a very good friend who suffers from this and she often resents that she must take daily medication to be in a "good place" as she calls it, but she now compares it to being diabetic. Each can live full healthy lives with just a little bit of help. Good luck. Absolutely! I know a lot of people who have to do that. It doesn't make the problems of life go away, but it sure can help one learn how to cope with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 30, 2008 Author Share Posted April 30, 2008 He understands what happened and forgives you; just take His hand." The "what if's" have hounded me to this day, as those who have been there know...that day, the day his wife and child were buried, I chose to medicate myself rather than be with my friend who no doubt was probably having the worst day of his life...I chose my 'needs' over his real pain and suffering...I abandoned him, I let him sink...forgive me friend... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 30, 2008 Author Share Posted April 30, 2008 Of course God can forgive you, and if God can forgive you, then who the hell are you that you can't learn to do the same? I can remember I had a lot of anger at the time and I said some pretty, um, angry things towards GOD...and ever since then I became cold, dead cold, to the idea of a 'loving' God. In fact, I just became spiritually dead from that point on... I thank you for your feelings and words of encouragement (you, too, Angel!)... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 The "what if's" have hounded me to this day, as those who have been there know...that day, the day his wife and child were buried, I chose to medicate myself rather than be with my friend who no doubt was probably having the worst day of his life...I chose my 'needs' over his real pain and suffering...I abandoned him, I let him sink...forgive me friend... Pray for your friend's soul to rest in peace, and tell him you are sorry. Ask the heavenly Father to protect him and keep his soul safe from all harm, surrounded by healing love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 30, 2008 Author Share Posted April 30, 2008 Pray for your friend's soul to rest in peace, and tell him you are sorry. Ask the heavenly Father to protect him and keep his soul safe from all harm, surrounded by healing love. I shall...now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katydidgood Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 I'd say that was definately the spirit talkin to ya-- coincidence is just those moments god wishes to be anonymous..... Everything happens for a reason..though it may not materialize till way down the road. Believe it stonefreelee--sometimes, I think all the time, rejection and failure is gods means of getting us where he wants us...Blessings in disguise. Miracles stonefreelee--I totally believe--no coincidence My heart truly goes out to you, I am not one for the doc either. And honestly the spirit, man upstairs, whatever ya want to call him hes not led me wrong yet---believe and you will see. "ITS GETTING BETTER EVERYDAYYY" BETTER BETTER BEEETTER (((((((((((HUGSSSSSSS)))))))))))))))KATY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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