stonefreelee Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Do you believe in miracles? Is everything just a grand coincidence? Is there really a god? Yesterday Sunday 27 April 2008 Living a train-wreck of a life, what was I thinking? Pain is my companion, I've learned to live with it. My beautiful children, will I lose you forever? You are the only good (no, GREAT) thing in my life. Many have experienced divorce. I have not. On the verge, constantly, watching the slow, grinding death of my life, my 'marriage'. LOVELESS. Since day one a marriage of convenience, she said she was on the pill. My son, almost eight now, you were not 'planned'. I love you son. I love you more than life itself. How could I have let you down so? Your mother and I are destroying you because we cant, CANT stop arguing in front of you and the other two beautiful children. I couldn't hurt you anymore. I left home, saying my goodbye's to you three. I am worthless to you alive. Why cant I do better for you, my precious, innocent children? I left home for what was to be the last time. I would only let you down one more time. Maybe your mother is right: I am a worthless piece of shit. I drove to my best friend's 'home'. It is where I would pass. As I drove thru the gates the primordial wailing began. It was pain uncontrolled...the realization that it was time and this is what I had made of my life. I have failed. I drove down the tight roads of the cemetary and parked next to where you rest. Your grave is ten feet from the road. It's amazing that it took me three trips after your initial burial to find you. I guess that's what happens...in grief, in life, no marker...it took awhile. Find you I did, eventually. It was a serene place, a place where I would take my selfish grief, a place where I would go to grieve you and my pathetic life. You were my best friend for 29 years, we got our tats together (yours a heart, mine a Zep) we mourned Bonzo together...we witnessed the slow re-birth of the boys we saw the firm together...we tripped at P/P '95 it was a grand, catharctic experience for the both of us. Afterwards, we went to your house and sat in my car for another two hours, listening to my cassette(s) of the TSRTS movie, my own personal boot! What a great time and memory! You missed '98 Page/Plant 'cause you were too messed up from the night before. You just couldn't wait for the party to start, could you? You always joked about your unused ticket: "The best souvenier I ever had", as you used to say. I wish you could have made it that night, mike. It wasn't the same without you. It hasnt been the same without you. Yesterday I planned to join you. I wailed and wept, tears rolling down my face and onto your marker...stone cold to the touch, earth overturned in a mound next to your spot. New neighbor...welcome to the procession, the wheel keeps on turning... Wrecking my car into a tractor-trailer in a road-rage incident a few weeks after your plantin' wasn't enough bad luck. I wiped out the other side of my car in Jan during an ice storm. It also left my car with an exhaust leak that is really bad when you turn on the heater...hmmm I thought many times...would that be enough to put down the 'ole sick dog? I was getting ready to find out... I wailed and moaned, pain and groan, snot running, tears streaming, it was time...I got up and turned to my car, my final resting place...my mind clouded with pain and grief...I'm sorry children, sorry mom and dad, sorry I'm such a piece or worthless shit...It was time... All I had to do was get in my car and let it run...'til I fell asleep. I turned, trudged half-way to my car...and there it was, the 'miracle'. This was crazy...my best friend, whom I came to visit one last time, there was his mom and brother parked right behind my car! I collapsed in shock, grief and embarassment to the ground in front of my car...even in death my luck sucks! Or does it? Next thing I know I am being lifted to my feet, seemingly without effort, by mike's mom (in her seventies!) and his brother...they, too, join in my crying. They dont know exactly what a loser I was getting ready to be...they held me, I wailed, "my buddy" and I do miss you, friend...your mom and brother just saved my life...this was to odd, to unreal, I couldn't continue with my selfish plan...My friend's mom said they just happened to be driving by and noticed my car from the main road...It was there second time there that day...earlier they had apparently brought roses to his grave...roses which were now saturated with selfish grief, tears and pain...they were driving by on a lark...they had been visiting a relative who lives nearby in a nursing home and were driving back home...oh great creator of being, was this you? Were you trying to tell me you were there? Were you there with me? Are you with me now? Are you real? Was this some cosmic coincidence? I dont know, of course. Higher Power, if you will, please give me strength to carry on...I need something, someone...did you carry me yesterday? Are you carrying me today, right now? Please, please, forgive me in my moment of total selfishness, how could I do this to my children and how can I go on? Edited for those who demand (near) perfection! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Electrophile Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Paragraph breaks. Please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 Paragraph breaks. Please. Thanks for your concern, however, it's called "poetic license". Couldn't you tell from the post that I'm far from perfect? Unlike yourself, obviously. It has been 25 years since my last English class... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suz Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I am very happy you didn't gack yourself. As a family member of someone who did, I can tell you the pain and the questions never go away. Hugs for you Hey, listen to "In the Light." I really hope you take care of yourself. I had nightmares for months after I lost someone to suicide. I lost 35 pounds in 4 months and thought I would die myself. The loss comes back after years- little things happen and I wish that person was there to share it. It just feels so wrong that the person isn't there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ally Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Why would someone do that instead of getting help? Sometimes HK getting help can seem hopeless. I can't explain why people take such drastic action but like Suz, I've had two close friends that opted to do so. Shattered is really the only word I can come up with at this time to describe how they're immediate families and close friends felt about it all. It is not something that I ever want to experience again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 I am very happy you didn't gack yourself. As a family member of someone who did, I can tell you the pain and the questions never go away. Hugs for you Hey, listen to "In the Light." I really hope you take care of yourself. I had nightmares for months after I lost someone to suicide. I lost 35 pounds in 4 months and thought I would die myself. The loss comes back after years- little things happen and I wish that person was there to share it. It just feels so wrong that the person isn't there. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you much for your care and compassion. What a crazy thing this is. I too, have experienced the loss of a dear friend to suicide. I should know better, but it is not a rational thing, obviously. In '93 I had a close friend who was 22. He got married and his wife got pregnant. She was bi-polar and had to stop taking her meds due to her pregnancy. She killed herself in her 9th month, the child did not survive. He did it six weeks later. I can honestly say that when I heard the news, my mind snapped...I, I know, I feel, I felt that horrible snapping of my sanity...I left this world, I mean, the realm of the sane, at that time. He was a week shy of his 23rd birthday... So, in summation, you would think I would know the pain, the shattering of the mind that this causes, and I do. That is the really horrible part of it (of the many, many, horrible parts), that is, I should know better. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to be the realm of the level headed, at least not while you are in the swirl of your own self-made morrass...you want to blot out the pain...I am so sorry that, well, i dont know. It has to be the most selfish thing that we humans do, or so it seems. To turn around and see my best friends' mom and brother parked right behind my car, right at the (almost) moment of truth...was stunning. My friend's grave is around a quarter of a mile from the main road...what a total coincidence...or not? I felt overwhelmed with guilt and shame and saddness...and I thought, "can this be?" It was a stunning moment, if not the nadir of my life. I hit bottom. I had no where (i hope!) to go but up! I just dont know where to go from here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ally Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I know someone who is contemplating this and i can't help them. I feel so sad. I am a nurse, and i am useless in this situation. Thanks for your insight. If you know they're contemplating then maybe it's time to have them commited to a hospital. In the cases I mentioned, we had no recognizable warnings. Looking back on it , if any of us had suspected the end result then we all would have errored on the side of causion. It's a huge responsibility but not one that can be ignored Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 Why would someone do that instead of getting help? Help? It seems as if there is none. I have always heard that you can go to the emergency room... what are they gonna do, medicate you? I've been doing that for thirty years...maybe that's part of the problem. Then you have created a 'pattern' for yourself...you will have labeled youself a 'crazy'...the stigma is horrendous, or so it seems...It seems there is no way out, this is what I feel, anyway. Doesn't mean it is true of course, it just feels so, well, overwhelming at times...throw in mental health issues, chronic depression, sexual abuse history (as a child), pending divorce, loss of my children, etc etc...when does the fun stop? I have to laugh to keep from going crazy, but my laughter machine seems to be broken, as well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Electrophile Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Why would someone do that instead of getting help? I had a very very close friend commit suicide a few years ago and if I had a dollar for every time I asked myself that question, I'd be a millionaire by now. The "what ifs" will kill you emotionally. And it's not as easy as just telling the person "hey go get help" and then they'll go do it. You may think it is, but trust me.....it isn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ally Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I had a very very close friend commit suicide a few years ago and if I had a dollar for every time I asked myself that question, I'd be a millionaire by now. The "what ifs" will kill you emotionally. And it's not as easy as just telling the person "hey go get help" and then they'll go do it. You may think it is, but trust me.....it isn't. Your right, it is no easy task but I wouldn't hesitate with an intervention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 If you know they're contemplating then maybe it's time to have them commited to a hospital. In the cases I mentioned, we had no recognizable warnings. Looking back on it , if any of us had suspected the end result then we all would have errored on the side of causion. It's a huge responsibility but not one that can be ignored To me, this is, well, I dont know. Like I said in my previous post...who wants that feather in their cap? "Ever been committed" If you answer yes to that question, say on a job application or whatever, you will be labled a 'crazy'. Are people who do this really 'crazy'? I really dont believe so, I really dont. Now, this is obviously just an guess. I dont know the psychological profile of everyone who has ever done that...I do, however, know that I am not a crazy person! Or maybe I cant see it, if that is the case. I hold down a job, I support my wife and three kids and two cats, house payment, cars, blah, blah, blah, blah...but I want the seemingly endless stream of pain to end...but how, HOW??? That is the magic question for which there is no magic answer...drugs and alcohol is something most turn to (inluding myself)...these obviously aren't the answer...they are band-aids which dont last long and end up complicating matters...What was that U2 song with the line, " but my sorrows, they learned to swim..." Oh I could relate to that!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Del Zeppnile Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Paragraph breaks. Please. My God ElectroPILE, you are still the most unlikable person who ever posted on this forum aren't you? Yep, you are the Queen of it. At least you are good at something. So how is life going for you living with mommy and daddy and working part time at Macys? L Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Living a train-wreck of a life, what was I thinking? This would be the time to start thinking happy thoughts and let the pain go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 This would be the time to start thinking happy thoughts and let the pain go. If only it was that easy. I want to thank everyone for your kind words and support, really, it means so much to me. I imagine a lot of us have experienced this type of senseless loss...which makes it even that much more maddening...I remember the pain I felt...I begged, I cried, please dont do anything (after his wife did), please, please, please...oh the utter shattering of my mind (props to ally for hittin' the nail on the head with that word) when I heard the news...I put my fist through my bedroom door at the time..and didn't even feel it...oh my God...and then here it is years later and I dare put my family and friends through the same thing??? This is how messed up this thing is. Is it mental illness? Do I need to be committed? Sometimes I wish, I really wish I could be. I cant afford the luxory...I have to pick myself up and somehow go on...keep marchin', dont drop your pack, keep marchin'...is there really a place where, in the end, we can rest, truly rest and be refreshed? Do you believe in redemption? Is there really a God? I suspect, I dont know...Is it something you must seek, is God holding us in their hand? Sometimes life seems so random...and then someday you may have an incredible ephiphany, something so amazing (like yesterday, for me) that it is just unbelievable...the rebirth of, dare I say, hope... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ally Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 To me, this is, well, I dont know. Like I said in my previous post...who wants that feather in their cap? "Ever been committed" If you answer yes to that question, say on a job application or whatever, you will be labled a 'crazy'. Are people who do this really 'crazy'? I really dont believe so, I really dont. Now, this is obviously just an guess. I dont know the psychological profile of everyone who has ever done that...I do, however, know that I am not a crazy person! Or maybe I cant see it, if that is the case. I hold down a job, I support my wife and three kids and two cats, house payment, cars, blah, blah, blah, blah...but I want the seemingly endless stream of pain to end...but how, HOW??? That is the magic question for which there is no magic answer...drugs and alcohol is something most turn to (inluding myself)...these obviously aren't the answer...they are band-aids which dont last long and end up complicating matters...What was that U2 song with the line, " but my sorrows, they learned to swim..." Oh I could relate to that!!! My apology's. I was caught a little off guard with your original post and to be honest, My use of the word " commit " was admitedly not the best way to describe what I meant. But I felt that I had to say something in response. As I said earlier, I would not hesitate with an intervention. I can't speak for you personally except to say, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've been there. There is a Depression thread on the board that might be a start for you. Most of us there have been in those dark catacombes at one time or another and the discussion is quite open.Feel free to join us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 If only it was that easy. I want to thank everyone for your kind words and support, really, it means so much to me. I imagine a lot of us have experienced this type of senseless loss...which makes it even that much more maddening...I remember the pain I felt...I begged, I cried, please dont do anything (after his wife did), please, please, please...oh the utter shattering of my mind (props to ally for hittin' the nail on the head with that word) when I heard the news...I put my fist through my bedroom door at the time..and didn't even feel it...oh my God...and then here it is years later and I dare put my family and friends through the same thing??? This is how messed up this thing is. Is it mental illness? Do I need to be committed? Sometimes I wish, I really wish I could be. I cant afford the luxory...I have to pick myself up and somehow go on...keep marchin', dont drop your pack, keep marchin'...is there really a place where, in the end, we can rest, truly rest and be refreshed? Do you believe in redemption? Is there really a God? I suspect, I dont know...Is it something you must seek, is God holding us in their hand? Sometimes life seems so random...and then someday you may have an incredible ephiphany, something so amazing (like yesterday, for me) that it is just unbelievable...the rebirth of, dare I say, hope... Yes, you can, and yes, He does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 My apology's. I was caught a little off guard with your original post and to be honest, My use of the word " commit " was admitedly not the best way to describe what I meant. But I felt that I had to say something in response. As I said earlier, I would not hesitate with an intervention. I can't speak for you personally except to say, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've been there. There is a Depression thread on the board that might be a start for you. Most of us there have been in those dark catacombes at one time or another and the discussion is quite open.Feel free to join us thanks, I actually didn't take offense to what you said. It just seems that that is really the only recourse that say, family may have. Or someone who is going thru that. What can we really do? I dont think there really is an answer. You can have someone committed, or you can (I heard, anyway) that you can have yourself committed...but to what end? At what point can we realize...I dont know, counseling? All I ever hear is 'seek counseling'...but money doesn't grow on trees...and that is part of my problem, anyway...money, money money...stretched to the frickin' max...I found out in January that my wife has secretly been hiding the true amount of 'our debt'. I was led to believe it was 12 thousand dollars, but discovered recently that it was really 21 thousand...and I still cant figure out what it went to...I found out she has (had) 13 credit cards that I didnt know about! Talk about depressing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ally Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 thanks, I actually didn't take offense to what you said. It just seems that that is really the only recourse that say, family may have. Or someone who is going thru that. What can we really do? I dont think there really is an answer. You can have someone committed, or you can (I heard, anyway) that you can have yourself committed...but to what end? At what point can we realize...I dont know, counseling? All I ever hear is 'seek counseling'...but money doesn't grow on trees...and that is part of my problem, anyway...money, money money...stretched to the frickin' max...I found out in January that my wife has secretly been hiding the true amount of 'our debt'. I was led to believe it was 12 thousand dollars, but discovered recently that it was really 21 thousand...and I still cant figure out what it went to...I found out she has (had) 13 credit cards that I didnt know about! Talk about depressing... Well my man, there is an answer. The only question is, how do you find it. Believe me when I say that you will know when you do and it is very achievable. It is scary at first, no doubt about it. You don't know who you can trust, you wonder if your just someones project. But believe me there is a way. But you have to jump on the path. It doesn't just show up at your doorstep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 stonefree, get whatever help you need. Do not take your own life. It is so selfish. Your loved ones shouldn't have to bear that cross the rest of their lives. Show them compassion and seek help however you can. Bless you. Thank you and I thank everyone that has replied to my thread. Knowing that other people have experienced similar situations and have had the grace and goodness to share their pain, their deepest pain, has given me a ray of hope and guidance at my darkest hour...I thank you from the bottom of my heart...I swear to you all, it is a comfort which is worth it's weight in gold! "without a friend there's no denyin'..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Electrophile Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Is there anyone in your life that you can talk to? Maybe a counselor, a priest/pastor/rabbi.....anyone in whom you can confide? Sometimes just having someone to talk to can do a world of good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 Is there anyone in your life that you can talk to? Maybe a counselor, a priest/pastor/rabbi.....anyone in whom you can confide? Sometimes just having someone to talk to can do a world of good. Y'all have helped me in ways you could never understand...just knowing you are not alone, knowing that others have experienced the same/similar situaltions, well, it makes you feel less alone, less isolated...You all made me feel like a human being again, made me realize we are all we have in this crazy place called life...just the slightest sharing, the slightest caring, it is amazing what amount of goodness that can create in someone's life...It made all the difference in mine...and I thank you all for giving me the chance to live again!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Electrophile Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I really do hope that things look up for you. Having lost someone very close to me to this, I would go back and do a lot of things over if I could. So I hope that you use this to see that things don't need to be this way anymore. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Y'all have helped me in ways you could never understand...just knowing you are not alone, knowing that others have experienced the same/similar situaltions, well, it makes you feel less alone, less isolated...You all made me feel like a human being again, made me realize we are all we have in this crazy place called life...just the slightest sharing, the slightest caring, it is amazing what amount of goodness that can create in someone's life...It made all the difference in mine...and I thank you all for giving me the chance to live again!!! "One day you're so happy now, the next day you're in tears, so you take it like you find it, and you can leave it just like it is, that's the way it's always been, -Bobby Bland Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunChild Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 stonefreelee, to feel the highest highs, you sometimes have to feel the lowest lows. Depression is treatable. Life can be so sweet... please don't hurt yourself; help yourself. One foot in front of the other. Who cares what other people you don't know yet might think of you in the future? Think of yourself and your family, now. Medical information is confidential, you don't have to tell anyone anything that isn't their business. So you took an extended leave of absence to take care of a loved one (yourself), that's a fine thing to do. Things will get better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 I am worthless to you alive. "You say you're even thinking about dying? Well before you do anything rash, dig this; Everybody Plays The Fool Sometimes" The Main Ingredient SunChild is right; stop being so hard on yourself and find someone who can ease your pain in a healthy way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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