Choleric Behaviour

[FuzzyMerkin]

I've had to deal with choleric characters before and managed to get away from them...and now it turns out that my new boss is just that. He shouted at me at the top of his voice for several minutes yesterday while I didn't even know what it was all about (it turns out it didn't have anything to do with me or my work at all), locked himself away in his office still fuming, calmed down, started to feel sorry(though he doesn't consider it necessary to apologize for his behaviour) and of course was exceedingly friendly today.

Great.

I'm still shaken and pissed off. I've seen it all before (with ex bfs) and I don't have the nerves for this shit anymore..I felt physically sick yesterday. Apparently he acts like that every couple of months and people at work just put up with it. It's a part-time job and I don't see much of him and usually get along with him, but I simply don't want to be treated like that....ever...again. I just don't think it's acceptable behaviour among adults. So what am I supposed to do next time he flies off the handle? Put up with it? Shout back at him? Wait till he's calmed down and try to talk to him about it? Look for a new employer?

I like my job but this really spoils it for me.

Welp.

[eternal light]

I've had to deal with choleric characters before and managed to get away from them...and now it turns out that my new boss is just that. He shouted at me at the top of his voice for several minutes yesterday while I didn't even know what it was all about (it turns out it didn't have anything to do with me or my work at all), locked himself away in his office still fuming, calmed down, started to feel sorry(though he doesn't consider it necessary to apologize for his behaviour) and of course was exceedingly friendly today.

Great.

I'm still shaken and pissed off. I've seen it all before (with ex bfs) and I don't have the nerves for this shit anymore..I felt physically sick yesterday. Apparently he acts like that every couple of months and people at work just put up with it. It's a part-time job and I don't see much of him and usually get along with him, but I simply don't want to be treated like that....ever...again. I just don't think it's acceptable behaviour among adults. So what am I supposed to do next time he flies off the handle? Put up with it? Shout back at him? Wait till he's calmed down and try to talk to him about it? Look for a new employer?

I like my job but this really spoils it for me.

Welp.

I usually respond to this type of behavior at work as I would with a young child; essentially it is childish behavior, a tantrum meant to relieve stress. I would try not to embarrass him, as he already has done that himself. I would not take it personally, and I would find a way to relieve my own stress productively. Make sure he has a quiet space to chill after he has this kind of episode and do nothing to shatter the stillness; this will allow him to adjust as he should.

You have witnessed the fight-or-flight reaction to stress. Your boss may feel inadequate or over-challenged on the job, and he is trusting you to be his office mum; unfortunately you are not the office mum-type. It's inappropriate, but it's what it is. Envision yourself as a capable manager who deals well with people. Remain as calm as possible while you listen attentively.

Concentrate on the relaxation response. Inhale and exhale, and do some deep breathing when you get a moment, then go for a walk and release the stress. Assert your thoughts only at a quieter time when he has gained more control of his emotions. Smile at the end of the day and congratulate yourself on how well you handled the situation in a calm, adult manner.

Take turns having tantrums; sooner or later you will have your own workplace meltdown. Remember that you can't both have a meltdown at the same time, because someone has to be the calm, reassuring, patient grown-up who is in charge of the emotional chaos.

Perhaps if you met with your boss for 15 minutes once a week to review the overall work situation (not necessarily that episode; it might only embarrass him further) it might help to diffuse the stress on the job and improve the communication. He needs to learn to develop adult responses to replace the childish tantrums, and you can help by remaining cool, polite and professional.

Timing is everything; you must also recognize his authority and avoid appearing to be insubordinate. You still need to buy groceries at the end of the day, and you don't want to leave the position until you decide you are ready; the key is not to embarrass people while you are on the job.

Take advantage of any opportunity to calmly discuss anything with him so he can learn to deal with the everyday stress a little easier. As long as you remain in this position you will continue to deal with this challenge. This is your big chance to learn to become more calmly assertive in the workplace. There are more like him out there, and you will learn to deal with them in a positive, assertive, and considerate manner. It gets easier after a while.

Remember that you are not alone in this kind of challenge; many others like you deal with these kinds of situations at work. Networking with other workers in your position or with coworkers can help to develop insight into improving your response so you can ride the storm out with grace and relative ease.

You may want to look into joining a professional association; sometimes they offer workshops designed to empower you in dealing with workplace stress. It can help tremendously in your overall career to develop skill in dealing with difficult situations and learning to bring the best out in people, whether you are in a support position or acting as a leader.

Also, some of the larger employers have an ombuds office there to help communication in these kinds of scenarios where an employee has a grievance. It's not so much a matter of taking the heat as it is one of finding a way to diffuse the tension. If he is irritating that is one thing; if it seems impossible you must talk to someone who will be helpful to you.

[manderlyh]

I had a boss that used to act like that. It made me hate my job. I'm hoping Eternal Light's right about how to deal with it.

[zepsteve]

The above may be a better way to go, but i've stood up to a few of my bosses in my time and even though it got a little heated they never talked to me like that againand not out of fear but respect in fact we got along great afterwards and never had another argument.Anyways thats pretty shitty , it sounds like your boss has kinda scarred your attitude towards your job and that just sux later!

[Dzldoc]

Nobody should have to put up with someone screeming at them boss or no boss.

As it is a part time job, next time he starts screeming tell him "Don't Screem at Me!"

plain and simple you have to nip it in the bud. Who the hell wants Job under these conditions. If you feel threatened file an EEO for harassment. Or just look for other employment. Line up the other job first. If he doesn't have enough respect to not yell at you, how much respect will he have any other time.

[redrum]

I had a few foreman like that. Big mouth mother-effing assholes the lot of them.

When they have their first heart attack maybe that'll change them. That and cut out the caffeine.

[IGG]

Someone screaming/venting at you for something that has nothing to do with you, can happen anywhere, but especially at work. I've seen GM's that pull down a 250k a year do the same thing.

It isn't right by any stretch of the imagination, but stressed managers/ fellow employees are everywhere and with the economy going south, it's probably not going to let up soon.

If you've got the resume', shop around for a new environment.

Good time to be self employed I suppose.

[Bilbo the Rover]

I deal with irate VIP's ( in title only) all the time and they act like spoiled children. I used to want to take them out to the parking lot and go Bonzo on them, but then I realized that it would only be making things bad for myself. I've spent many a sleepless night stewing over their bad behavior and I'm done with that. It's a choice, do you choose to carry it with you and have it affect your mental state and physical health ?NO ! they aren't worth it. You wanna know a trick ?...smile....Smile full on at them when they are at the height of their rant, it will either defuse the situation or make them feel like idiots....which is what they are.

[eskimoblueday]

I'm actually having difficulty with my bosses right now myself, and I've found this thread very helpful. Thanks to all who have contributed.

[ninelives]

I'm actually having difficulty with my bosses right now myself, and I've found this thread very helpful. Thanks to all who have contributed.

I'm sorry to hear that EBD It's a really difficult situation because on the one hand, you want to be able to let your boss know (in a respectful and professional way) that it's not acceptable to be spoken to like that. But even when you do put it in "I" messages (I don't appreciate being spoken to in that manner etc.), they feel you're being disrespectful (I guess they feel threatened by that or something) and you risk further poor treatment which sadly I've seen too many times. I often wonder if some bosses knowing how bad the economy is and how people are really more in fear of losing their job and not having another lined up so easily, if they prey upon that fear and feel they can act as they please, assuming their workers won't confront them.

I dunno - it's a really difficult situation.

[eskimoblueday]

I'm sorry to hear that EBD It's a really difficult situation because on the one hand, you want to be able to let your boss know (in a respectful and professional way) that it's not acceptable to be spoken to like that. But even when you do put it in "I" messages (I don't appreciate being spoken to in that manner etc.), they feel you're being disrespectful (I guess they feel threatened by that or something) and you risk further poor treatment which sadly I've seen too many times. I often wonder if some bosses knowing how bad the economy is and how people are really more in fear of losing their job and not having another lined up so easily, if they prey upon that fear and feel they can act as they please, assuming their workers won't confront them.

I dunno - it's a really difficult situation.

Indeed. A big part of the problem is being someone's "subordinate". If I were their "peer" it might be easier to tell them they are acting like jerks (in a respectful and professional way, of course), but as you pointed out, there's the underlying issue of being considered disrespectful or insubordinate, and putting yourself at risk of being fired. Blech... Stupid money. If I didn't need it, everything would be ok.

[JAG]

Good gracious FM, your boss has cholera?!

Cholera can be simply and successfully treated by immediate replacement of the fluid and salts lost through diarrhea. Patients can be treated with oral rehydration solution, a prepackaged mixture of sugar and salts to be mixed with water and drunk in large amounts. This solution is used throughout the world to treat diarrhea. Severe cases also require intravenous fluid replacement. With prompt rehydration, fewer than 1% of cholera patients die.

Antibiotics shorten the course and diminish the severity of the illness, but they are not as important as rehydration. Persons who develop severe diarrhea and vomiting in countries where cholera occurs should seek medical attention promptly!

Hope he gets better soon.

[Levee]

I've had to deal with choleric characters before and managed to get away from them...and now it turns out that my new boss is just that. He shouted at me at the top of his voice for several minutes yesterday while I didn't even know what it was all about (it turns out it didn't have anything to do with me or my work at all), locked himself away in his office still fuming, calmed down, started to feel sorry(though he doesn't consider it necessary to apologize for his behaviour) and of course was exceedingly friendly today.

Great.

I'm still shaken and pissed off. I've seen it all before (with ex bfs) and I don't have the nerves for this shit anymore..I felt physically sick yesterday. Apparently he acts like that every couple of months and people at work just put up with it. It's a part-time job and I don't see much of him and usually get along with him, but I simply don't want to be treated like that....ever...again. I just don't think it's acceptable behaviour among adults. So what am I supposed to do next time he flies off the handle? Put up with it? Shout back at him? Wait till he's calmed down and try to talk to him about it? Look for a new employer?

I like my job but this really spoils it for me.

Welp.

Fuzzy, I think the question that you need to answer is whether or not the job is worth the abuse.

I know you said you like the job, but at what cost?

If you think he's got a chance of changing, then it may be worth hanging in. I agree with what Bilbo said about the smile and I think in these cases it's best to stay on the high road.

My opinion is he's not going to change, it sounds like he lives his life as tho this is normal behavior.

" but I simply don't want to be treated like that....ever...again."

Your words....... I think you may already know the answer.

[FuzzyMerkin]

Thank you very much everybody, I really appreciate the input. All your posts are helpful and I will ponder them for a while before deciding what to do. (JAG, I think we need to talk... )

A few points:

I don't want to be my bosses "office mum" - he's 30 years my senior and I'm not the motherly type to begin with. I try to not take it personally but that only works as long as people are just grumpy or shout around in general - when somebody walks up to you and shouts at you completely out of the blue (and so that everybody on the same floor can hear it) it's hard not to take it personally. I'm sure he won't change if I put up with it .... and yeah, I think the problem is lack of respect. Maybe if I point out to him that I don't want to be treated like that in a calm manner, but loudly and clearly next time and then simply leave the room it'll make him think his behaviour over and at least stop shouting at me. Frankly, I'm not looking forward to doing that ...But in any case I don't want to look for a new job without at least giving it a try - cause I like the job I got. It's part-time at the moment but there's a fair chance that it will be turned into a fulltime job in a couple of months. I get along very well with my colleagues, the work itself is fun and here's the bummer: I actually like my boss. Normally he's a nice person. That choleric fit was like watching Dr. Jekyll turn into Mr. Hyde.

Thanks again. I do feel better about the situation just having talked about it.

[eternal light]

Thank you very much everybody, I really appreciate the input. All your posts are helpful and I will ponder them for a while before deciding what to do. (JAG, I think we need to talk... )

A few points:

I don't want to be my bosses "office mum" - he's 30 years my senior and I'm not the motherly type to begin with. I try to not take it personally but that only works as long as people are just grumpy or shout around in general - when somebody walks up to you and shouts at you completely out of the blue (and so that everybody on the same floor can hear it) it's hard not to take it personally. I'm sure he won't change if I put up with it .... and yeah, I think the problem is lack of respect. Maybe if I point out to him that I don't want to be treated like that in a calm manner, but loudly and clearly next time and then simply leave the room it'll make him think his behaviour over and at least stop shouting at me. Frankly, I'm not looking forward to doing that ...But in any case I don't want to look for a new job without at least giving it a try - cause I like the job I got. It's part-time at the moment but there's a fair chance that it will be turned into a fulltime job in a couple of months. I get along very well with my colleagues, the work itself is fun and here's the bummer: I actually like my boss. Normally he's a nice person. That choleric fit was like watching Dr. Jekyll turn into Mr. Hyde.

Thanks again. I do feel better about the situation just having talked about it.

His inhibitions lower when he is around you; he trusts you, so he lets his emotions out inappropriately.

One way to address his behaviour would be to tell him how you would like him to communicate with you when he is feeling stressed. Tell him you expect him to be courteous. This is when going to some neutral person who you both can trust, such as an ombuds who is trained to deal with conflict resolution, can make it easier.

Don't go to someone who will simply terminate your employment unless you are ready to take that step; sometimes managers retaliate when you exercise your rights. It's interesting how power drives people.

I'm glad you feel better.

[FuzzyMerkin]

His inhibitions lower when he is around you; he trusts you, so he lets his emotions out inappropriately.

One way to address his behaviour would be to tell him how you would like him to communicate with you when he is feeling stressed. Tell him you expect him to be courteous. This is when going to some neutral person who you both can trust, such as an ombuds who is trained to deal with conflict resolution, can make it easier.

Don't go to someone who will simply terminate your employment unless you are ready to take that step; sometimes managers retaliate when you exercise your rights. It's interesting how power drives people.

I'm glad you feel better.

Thanks - I think that's what I'll try to do.

[Hermit]

.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your boss, Fuzzy. That sucks.

I haven't read all the posts, so maybe someone has already suggested this but.. my suggestion would be that the next time he goes off on you, you stand up to him and calmly but firmly say something along the lines of "This is not ok. You cannot treat me like this. If you have an issue to discuss with me, we can discuss it, but I will not stand here and be yelled at and intimidated. I can see that you're upset, and maybe you're upset for a good reason, but it's absolutely not ok for you to dump your anger on me." If he stops yelling, you stay to discuss; if he keeps shouting, you walk away. If you lose your job over it, so be it; thats not a healthy work environment anyway. If you keep your job, things are bound to get better, and chances are he'll pause before ever dumping on you again.

In the end, he'll respect you more for it; your coworkers will respect you

more for it, and most importantly,.. you will respect yourself more for it.

Thats just my .02. Feel free of course to dismiss my input as you wish.

Whatever happens, you have my support and I hope you're able to resolve it in a way that feels right to you and that enables you to work in a place in which you are not someone else's emotional punching bag. You deserve to be treated with respect by your boss and co-workers; I hope you don't ever sell yourself short on that.

Good luck, friend.

PS: It's unfortunate but it is true that some managers only respond to hardball tactics. If it gets to the point where you wanna play workplace hardball with this guy, calmly and clearly tell him "Your behavior toward me is creating a hostile and uncomfortable work environment; please stop this behavior immediately". That is the legal phrase that will alert him that you are aware of, and are specifically invoking, your legal right to work in an environment that is free from harassment. If you wanna play super-hardball, put those words in writing (and cite specific examples of his behavior); give him a copy and have a copy placed in your personnel file. If he's smart he'll never shout at you like that again; if he does shout at you like that again, you'll have a legal case for claiming workplace harassment. [if you live in the US, that is. If you live outside the US I have no idea what, if any, workplace anti-harassment laws may apply].

[Dzldoc]

I deal with irate VIP's ( in title only) all the time and they act like spoiled children. I used to want to take them out to the parking lot and go Bonzo on them, but then I realized that it would only be making things bad for myself. I've spent many a sleepless night stewing over their bad behavior and I'm done with that. It's a choice, do you choose to carry it with you and have it affect your mental state and physical health ?NO ! they aren't worth it. You wanna know a trick ?...smile....Smile full on at them when they are at the height of their rant, it will either defuse the situation or make them feel like idiots....which is what they are.

I have a screeming boss as well. Smile? Hell when my shop steward confronts his behavour he laughs at him

and then hands him grievence papers

[FuzzyMerkin]

Thanks again for the advice and support.

You people are ace!