Jokes-for the fun of it

[Deborah J]

I am in the hotel business and thought I would share this one...hope it makes you smile:-)

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I were traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George, in Canada.

After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room.

But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.

I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the "standard rate".

I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them."

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows."

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a check and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," "this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

[redrum]

"Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

Q: What's grey?

A: A melted penguin!

[BIGDAN]

A Zebra dies and goes to Heaven, at the Pearly Gates he encounters St Peter and asks him this question.

Zebra. "I've always wanted to know weather i'm White with Black Stripes or Black with White Stripes."

St Peter. " Sorry son i havent a clue, ask the boss man when you get to see him"

The Zebra finaly gets to meet God and asks him this question.

Zebra. "I've always wanted to know weather i'm White with Black Stripes or Black with White Stripes."

God. "You are what you are"

The Zebre returns to the Pearly Gates where he meets St Peter again, and he is asked by St Peter.

St Peter. "Did you get the answer that you wanted?"

Zebra. "Well i'm a bit confused, i asked God weather i'm White with Black Stripes or Black with White Stripes, and he said "You are what you are, go in peace"

St Peter. "OK, that means you're White with Black Stripes then"

Zebra. "How do you know that?"

St Peter." Because if you were Black with White Stripes God would have said, "You is what you is"

[bigstickbonzo]

Dippity do.

Carnac: What forms on your dippity in the morning?

[zosodude13]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says "Man, it's hot in here!" and the other says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[Deborah J]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says "Man, it's hot in here!" and the other says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Subject: Bubba and Lent

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor

grill and cook a venison steak.. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since

it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing

such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass... and

as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised

a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic...

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night

arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he

rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a Rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he

carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

[MisterMcLov1n]

A man is very desperate for sex. His wife is nice and all but just doesn't satisfy his needs. One night after work, in a more desperate mood than usual, he goes to a brothel. He goes to the clerk and says "I need sex but I don't have too much money." The clerk says "five dollars." The man hands the clerk a 5 dollar bill and the clerk directs him to the last room on the left.

He opens the door to find a woman in her eighties, well old enough to be his grandmother, on the bed. But this doesn't shake him as he is sexually starved. He greets her and then promptly sticks it in. It is the most horrible feeling he has felt, like broken glass scraping against his penis. He pulls out and tells her what is wrong.

"Oh! I'll be right back" she replies. The elderly hooker goes into the bathroom for a couple minutes and returns. "Let's go" she says.

He sticks it in and it is now a wonderful feeling. Like he has stuck it in a freshly made Hot Pocket. They go at it for over an hour. When they finish, he rolls over and says, "what happened? I mean, your pussy felt horrible the first time and then when you came back it felt amazing!"

The hooker rolls over, puffs her cigarette, and says, "well, once you break up the scabs..."

[redrum]

"well, once you break up the scabs..."

Puke and run.

[Deborah J]

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out20a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat..

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted......

[MisterMcLov1n]

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out20a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat..

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted......

I hope you don't mind if I forward this to a few people...

[Deborah J]

I hope you don't mind if I forward this to a few people...

Certainly, here is another one if you love animals

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food The other dishes are mine and contain my food Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

[Mountain Hopper]

I hope it's not too early for this but it's just a joke.

Farrah Fawcett arrives at the pearly gates and St. Peter says he will grant her 1 wish before entering. So she wishes for all the children of the world to be safe. Just then Michael Jackson shows up.

My Mom actually e-mailed that joke to me. You can all lynch me now.

[Deborah J]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one.

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man...

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing

left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we

should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is

completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,

opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Gee...and Adam ate the apple, too!! Men will never learn!!!

[Evster2012]

A Rabbi walks into a taxidermist's shop with a large garbage bag.

The taxidermist greets him "Good day Rabbi. How can I help you?"

The Rabbi says "Well, I've been the Rabbi here for 50 years. I performed cicumcisions on all the males born in this area. However, I never felt comfortable just throwing away the cuttings in the trash, so I've collected them in this bag"

Stunned, the taxidermist asks, "Are you telling me that bag is full of...?"

The Rabbi replies, "Yes. Foreskins. Thousands of them! I figured you work with skins and could do something worthwhile with them."

The taxidermist says "Come back in two weeks and I'll see what I can do".

Two weeks later the Rabbi returns. The taxidermist hands him a wallet.

The Rabbi exclaims "Wonderful! The crafstmanship is excellent! How many did you make?"

The taxidermist relies "Well only the one Rabbi."

Incredulous, the Rabbi asks "Only one? I gave you that huge bag of skins, and all you hand me is one lousy wallet??"

The taxidermist replies "Well, it may be one lousy wallet to you Rabbi, but if you rub it it turns into a suitcase!"

[Deborah J]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

[Dzldoc]

The shortest fairytale ever.

Once upon a time a rich and handsome price asked a fair maiden if she would give her hand in Marriage to which she replied No! and the prince lived happily ever after.

[Deborah J]

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said

He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

[MOJO]

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the hood

Not a ho was working though they knew they should

Her stockings was stained with jizz and some hair

With hopes that a john would soon appear

The pimp was home snug in his bed

While visions of benjamins danced in his head

I in the buff just finished drinking some Jack

When mama called into the back

Lying there naked from her toes to her head

Made my penis rise as I ran for the bed

Her lips on my penis and my tongue in her crack

That’s when we heard a loud whack

I sprang to my feet to see what was happening

That’s when I saw two thugs a sacking

I started my attack on the one with the sack

And it turned out his name is Jack

I hit him so hard he fell to the floor

Without hesitation his partner ran out the door

At that moment the other called my wife a whore

So I turned around quick and beat him some more

When I finished the beating I found to my surprise

The police had just arrived

The sergeant they call St. Nick entered the room where I beat that dick as I felt I should

Following behind him came several more I recognized them all as they barged through the door

Officer Dancer and Prancer first to enter

Next came Donder and Vixen a blitzing

I escaped apprehension

While my wife drew their attention

Out the building I fled, through the courtyard I sped

Losing the officers as I hid in the shed

Soon they were gone giving up the chase

Shortly after I returned to my place

My wife and I resumed our pleasure

Moments after I added this extra

Opened the window I howled in joy

Merry fucking Christmas to all I survived another night

[Deborah J]

Geography of a woman...and a man

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half

discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed

and open to trade.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot,

relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging

but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a

glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through

war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ,

self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a

mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous

spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , Ruled by Nuts.

[Dzldoc]

Well I posted this on another joke thread but thought it was worth a second posting for you ladies

The Love Letter

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife

v

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P.S. your girlfriend called!

[Deborah J]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

> > 'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

> > In a Podiatrist's office:

> > 'Time wounds all heels.'

> >

> > On a Septic Tank Truck:

> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

> >

> > On a Plumber's truck:

> > 'We repair what your husband fixed.'

> >

> On another Plumber's truck:

> > 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

> >

> > On a Church's Bill board:

> > '7 days without God makes one weak.'

> >

> > At a Tire Store

> > 'Invite us to your next blowout.'

> >

> > On an Electrician's truck:

> > 'Let us remove your shorts.'

> >

> > In a Non-smoking Area:

> > 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate

action.'

> >

> > On a Maternity Room door:

> 'Push. Push. Push.'

> >

> > At an Optometrist's Office:

> > 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right

place.'

> >

> > On a Taxidermist's window:

> > 'We really know our stuff.'

> >

> > On a Fence:

> > 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

> >

> > At a Car Dealership:

> > 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

> >

> > Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

> > 'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

> >

> > In a Vets waiting room:

> > 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

> >

> > In a Restaurant window:

> > 'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

> >

> > In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

> 'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

> >

> > And don't forget the sign at a

> > RADIATOR SHOP:

> > 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

> >

> > Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck

> > 'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

[_Lena_Zep]

Ok, bad translation...

The wife came from work very upset and she started to yell at her husband from the doorstep:

-You are useless! You suck at work, you suck in bed, you suck in family relationships, you suck as much as your whole family sucks!-

The husband pays no attention.

The wife continues:

-You suck so much that if there would be a suck competition, you would wind 2nd place!-

The husband turns to his wife and asks confused:

-Why the 2nd place?-

-Because you suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-

It's better when you hear it in my language.

[Evster2012]

I got it Lena! He sucks so bad he can't even make first in sucking.

[BIGDAN]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and

a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her

mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in

a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that

she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she

was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the

boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before

heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with

a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of

the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty , she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's

condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and

finished your shopping trip didn't you!

I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four

hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in

the Intensive Care Unit!

It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more

than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of

his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be

your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.

He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

[_Lena_Zep]

I got it Lena! He sucks so bad he can't even make first in sucking.

I know that's clear , only my translation was bad.