ledsabbath Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I have decided that if we can have a thread on underwear, then why not one on flatulence? So tell us some tales of wonderment. My wife has cute pet names for my episodes. "Is your bottom talking?" is one of her favourites. I'll tell a couple of good ones of mine. I was at a party once, when I was about 15. And all us kids were in the back shed late in the evening. It was pretty noisy and I relieved myself. I smelt it too. A few seconds later, one of the girls yells out, "oh yuk, somebody farted". And everybody cleared the shed. Another time. I was in the darkroom at work, processing some x-rays. I don't know why I thought a small confined place was appropriate to let one rip, but I did. And it stunk like a skunk. I open the door, and another work collegue is standing outside the room, with some x-ray cassettes, waiting to process them. In an instant, I said, "here, let me do those for you". Phew!! That was close. Another time I was the passenger in a ute, on my parents property. The ute was being driven by a plumber, as we were trying to solve a septic problem. I had my own personal septic problem, and again, why oh why I thought that the cabin of a small ute would be the right place to let off. But I did. And then the plumber said, (as we're driving towards the septic tank), "That septic tank is sure on the nose". Ha ha. Yeah, the "septic tank". Another time I was home ill. And it was cold, and I was snuggled under the covers. I was letting off all night, and half asleep when my wife came home. I remember clearly, her opening the bedroom door and then exclaiming, "oh my goodness". She then closed the door abruptly but silentlly, and slept in the spare room. Ahh, this is a classy thread, ain't it? Another time I was working in a hospital, but not as a radiographer. I took a lift from the top floor to the ground floor. Again, why I thought that a lift was a good place to vent, I don't know. But I did. The lift doors open, and 2 young women walk in. I hurriedly exited the lift, and a few seconds later I heard from one of the women, "Oh yuk". One of my fondest memories when I was a kid, about 7, when my mum dragged me shopping. We were in the women's clothing section and I let one off. She was furious, and she came after me to give me one good whopping. I remember running away and outside the store to get away from her. Ahh, let the good times roll. And my all time favourite tale of gaseous explosions. My wife and I were having a picnic at a local park. I was particularly gaseous that day, and I let one off. Then I let another. I decided to go for a third. Oops. Let's just say that more than wind got away. The toilet block was nearby fortunately. And I was cleaning myself up. I am saying out aloud to myself, "oh yuk" and "gross" and "yukky". I finish, and my wife asks me what took me so long? I said that I was looking for a plastic bag to put the undies in, to be taken home and washed. The look of horror on her face I'll never forget. She then told me that she was really embaressed because there were people outside the toilet block, and they were really curious as to what was going on. I said that she was making that up. But she was insistent, saying that I was attracting a small group of onlookers, as I was verbalising loudly. I then said, "okay then, what did I say?" "Oh yukky" "Gross" "Yuk". I was done for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Rover Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I'll leave you with this Bathroom Limmerick: "Here I sit Brokenhearted . . . Came to shit ... but only Farted.." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock Action Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I'll leave you with this Bathroom Limmerick: "Here I sit Brokenhearted . . . Came to shit ... but only Farted.." "Then one day I took a chance... Tried to fart and shit my pants!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JethroTull Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Zeppelin REALLY needs to announce some tour dates. I shouldn't complain, I started a vomit thread last month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock Action Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Zeppelin REALLY needs to announce some tour dates. I shouldn't complain, I started a vomit thread last month. Just covering both ends, I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bong-Man Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 "Once you're over 50, you can't trust a fart" ~Jack Nicholson, "The Bucket List" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrum Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 SBD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dzldoc Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 "Then one day I took a chance... Tried to fart and shit my pants!" "Once you're over 50, you can't trust a fart" ~Jack Nicholson, "The Bucket List" For some of us much sooner Rule of thumb: When you feel like you have to rip, bend over and pick up something heavy if you can't hold it you've lost your grip! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrum Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I loved the Family Guy one where Martha Stewart ripped a big one. Also, Stewie when he popped a blood vessel in his eye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suz Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 When my kid was little, she would fart on the dining room chair with her bare butt, and crack herself up. It had a sharp, percussive sound. When I was a kid, my mom sometimes wore a girdle, and one time she farted in a restaurant- you could hear it coming all the way up that damn girdle like a whistle. The whole family then busted out laughing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock Action Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 When my kid was little, she would fart on the dining room chair with her bare butt, and crack herself up. It had a sharp, percussive sound. When I was a kid, my mom sometimes wore a girdle, and one time she farted in a restaurant- you could hear it coming all the way up that damn girdle like a whistle. The whole family then busted out laughing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suz Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Notice I haven't said anything about my own farts... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dzldoc Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Notice I haven't said anything about my own farts... I was wondering when the girls were going to chime in, they seem to have avoided the subject. I just knew I'd see that little kittykat first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suz Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I was wondering when the girls were going to chime in, they seem to have avoided the subject. I just knew I'd see that little kittykat first. I fear nothing! Okay, so about ten years ago I let one at work (don't know what I ate that day, musta been very high fiber), and one of my co workers went, "Jesus! It smells like something crawled in here and died!" Naturally I blamed someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dzldoc Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock Action Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I fear nothing! Okay, so about ten years ago I let one at work (don't know what I ate that day, musta been very high fiber), and one of my co workers went, "Jesus! It smells like something crawled in here and died!" Naturally I blamed someone else. But of course!! At least look around with a disgusted expression, as if to ask "who farted?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suz Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 But of course!! At least look around with a disgusted expression, as if to ask "who farted?" That's right, mister! This is my kind of thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock Action Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 That's right, mister! This is my kind of thread. I used to work for this one guy who was actually kinda proud of his "work". He'd stand there by the office door, cock his leg up and let 'er rip with an evil smile. Needless to say the productivity at work went down, especially after a Taco Bell lunch. Oh sheeeeit.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dzldoc Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I remember one time we were having a safety meeting at work and someone sqeezed off a silent one. The supervisor stopped mid sentence and said Fire Drill! We had to leave the building Gawd! someone needed to see a doctor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock Action Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 The definition of SURPRISE: A fart with a lump in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suz Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 How about when a little kid is running down the hall, farting with every step? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock Action Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 How about when a little kid is running down the hall, farting with every step? I once knew a kid in school that could fart "Jingle Bells". No shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wesley Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 What about lighting farts with a match? It makes a blue flame. That's always a real barnburner! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suz Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 What about when old ladies accidentally fart when they get out of a chair and say, "Oh my!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyRaven Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I was in a public toilet once and some old women with a walker came in and every step she farted then she exclaimed "good govenor!" I had to try hard not to laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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