dragster Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 I had it bad a little bit ago. I had some pizza and it was some farts, and STANKY ones at that. They could kill an animal they were so bad....damn! Got rid of the problem though! By not eating pizza anymore or by eating violets?! .......don't laff, they get rid of that problem like that in Korea!!! :):):) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ledded1 Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 " you are the wind beneath my wings" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spats Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Don't fart out loud on a date. Kills it completely. A girl did that once on a date with me and i couldn't think about anything else all night long. Never went out with her again. Keep it quiet if ya can. it's not cute or charming ever. I need to cut down on the fast food and grape juice because i have a bad case of the farts after eating and drinking that stuff. Not pretty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 In 1992 or so I was at a Missouri state universitys' recreational center where I was into lifting weights... I was at that time doing bench presses. I finished the exercise and sat up (bench presses are when you are laying flat on your back lifting a bar w/weights over your head--for those who may not know) --my first thought upon sitting up was, "Damn, who shit themself???" As I was basically in a "thinker" position, leaning over with my elbows resting on my knees, head down and trying to catch my breath from the exercise, it didn't take long to realize that it was me! Needless to say, I immediately retired to the locker room whereupon I inspected myself for, uh, the product of my exertion...It's bark was definately worse than it's bite, but that makes no difference when it's in your gymn shorts! Thus ended the shortest workout I ever had: I had been there no longer than ten minutes before my, uh, incident... Moral to this story: Evacuation before Exertion.... P.S. ssshhhh, keep this one to yourselves, I've got a reputation on this board... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoubleNecker Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Hmm, had a HUGE breakfast at Dennys and around 2PM, I was at Best Buy farting like crazy. Some more deadly gas.....usually, I don't care if I fart and someone passes by, I'll tell 'em like it is, but I wasn't like that this time. I didn't want to go to jail for murder. Someone died from my farts? Screw that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suz Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I've been laughing out loud reading this thread. Esp. the post about the bit bull scaring himself with his own farts I hate it when I'm in an enclosed space with people and can't get out in time to fart alone. Awkward! But there is one absolute, all time WORST time to fart.....and you know what it is, ladies. Oh, the horror of it. If Spats read this he'd lay down and die. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katydidgood Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 omg i should have read this one along time ago....lmao...how do you make that guy lying on the floor laughing his ass off? And now I have to share...Have ta add to da laughter I was fighting with my then 16-17 year old daughter. And we were both livid, cussing and screaming at each other and she went to the bathroom to get away from me and I followed her in there and I was saying something like, " listen here youngin," I squatted down on one leg to get eye level with her as she was sitting on the toilet(not going mind you-just sitting) well you guessed it out one came and so I tried to squat down on the other leg mainting my composure and still telling her "what up" and yep out came another--Well that was the end of that argument. We both started laughing so hard it was so freakin hilarious. FART to the rescue. Then once when my son was only like 5-6 we went to this fancy restaurant in Morro Bay Ca. Super fancy-super expensive. We were there with my parents and my nieces and nephews (10 of us or so) and my son cleared the restaurant. My poor mom and dad were so embarrassed. They couldn't even finish eating. ohhh the memories--lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spats Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I've been laughing out loud reading this thread. Esp. the post about the bit bull scaring himself with his own farts I hate it when I'm in an enclosed space with people and can't get out in time to fart alone. Awkward! But there is one absolute, all time WORST time to fart.....and you know what it is, ladies. Oh, the horror of it. If Spats read this he'd lay down and die. Just the thought of it is making me want to puke. If a girl I was with with dropped a big loud bomb at that time she would have to leave. It would ruin everything. It would kill it. There was only one time really where i asked a girlfriend to leave in the middle of the night and that was when we got into an argument while in bed. This would be the other time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mattmc1973 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 One of my buddies told me a hilarious story about when he was in 6th grade. Remember in gym class when you'd do situps, and someone had to hold your feet? Well, his class was doing a timed test to see how many situps you could do in 60 seconds. Some girl was holding his feet, and he was doing situps really fast, and letting out a fart every time he did a situp! So just picture a kid rocking situps, and every time he comes up he farts, while some poor girl his holding his feet! He was going for the record in his class, so he didn't care, he just kept cranking the situps! (and farts) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MisterMcLov1n Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 *farts* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spats Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 One of my buddies told me a hilarious story about when he was in 6th grade. Remember in gym class when you'd do situps, and someone had to hold your feet? Well, his class was doing a timed test to see how many situps you could do in 60 seconds. Some girl was holding his feet, and he was doing situps really fast, and letting out a fart every time he did a situp! So just picture a kid rocking situps, and every time he comes up he farts, while some poor girl his holding his feet! He was going for the record in his class, so he didn't care, he just kept cranking the situps! (and farts) That's funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragster Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 What is a fart and why does it smell? Ever pull someone's finger and hear a weird noise come out of his or her butt? Ever sit in a tub of water and see bubbles come out of your hiney? This strange noise and vibrating sensation that came from your butt is most likely caused by a fart. A fart is a combination of gases (nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, methane, and hydrogen sulfide) that travels from a person's stomach to their anus. When a person swallows too much air or eats foods that the human digestive system cannot digest easily gas becomes trapped in his/her stomach. The only way for this excess gas to exit the body is through the anus. The gas that makes your farts stink is the hydrogen sulfide gas. This gas contains sulfur which causes farts to have a smelly odor. The more sulfur rich your diet, the more your farts will stink. Some foods that cause really smelly farts include: beans, cabbage, cheese, soda, and eggs. A scientific name for a fart is flatus or flatulence. The word fart is just one of many different terms used to describe the release of gasses from the human body. Other popular names for farts or farting include: gassers, stinkers, air biscuits, bombers, barking spiders, rotten eggs, and wet ones. You can pass gas, break wind, blast, beef, poof, rip one, let one fly, step on a duck, and cut the cheese. Farts can be stinky, wet, loud, or silent but deadly. Pee-eeew!!! Did you know? On the average, a healthy person farts 16 times a day. Hey guys, don't be fooled by girls who tell you that they never fart. Everyone farts, including girls. In fact, females fart just as much as males. Many animals fart too. Cats, dogs, and cows. Elephants fart the most. People fart the most in their sleep. Farts that contain a large amount of methane & hydrogen can be flammable. fART ALL ABOUT HERE....... .... http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/explain/docs/fart.asp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
One Symbol Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Hey, I'm quite happy to share with the group. Since adjusting my diet to include mainly vegetarian food, I have discovered the joys of high fibre intake. After a particularly vicious veggie chili the other night, our bedroom was like the Somme. Lots of regular emergency venting. However, you didn't really need to know that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonefreelee Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 One of my buddies told me a hilarious story about when he was in 6th grade. Remember in gym class when you'd do situps, and someone had to hold your feet? Well, his class was doing a timed test to see how many situps you could do in 60 seconds. Some girl was holding his feet, and he was doing situps really fast, and letting out a fart every time he did a situp! So just picture a kid rocking situps, and every time he comes up he farts, while some poor girl his holding his feet! He was going for the record in his class, so he didn't care, he just kept cranking the situps! (and farts) NIce!! Forgot about the 'ole sit-up, shit up...I was in the corps for four years. One of the things they were big on was sit-ups. During their annual physical fitness test you are 'graded' on three events. One of them is a timed event, that is, attempting to do 80 situps in 2 minutes or less. You had to hold someone's ankles of course. In the marine corps, most people are alcoholics...you can imagine how that smelled. A field full of hung-over, stinky, farting marines...oh the memories. I vividly recall holding my room-mate's ankles as he strugled to do his 80 in two...all the while cracking them off in my face. Tha'ts ok, 'cause my turn was after his. And I dont dissappoint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*I*LOVE*JIMMY!! Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 I remember my almost 90 year old grandmother. I had to take her to the store every Saturday and she had the stinkest gas ever. She would walk down the aisle's and let one rip, while doing this she would jump and yell whoops excuse me. She would do this several times an aisle. If someone was in earshot of her I would just give them a nod and say, what ya goin to do? Every damn Saturday. I truely believe she stunt my growth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roblindblad Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 In the early 80's I jogged 5 miles a day and did 4 hours of karate a day and drummed everyday. I was pretty broke... and one day before going to do my 4 hours of karate I had no food in the apartment except for a bag of onions. So I decided to try and make onion soup by boiling the onions in water. During the first hour long class I noticed that I was constantly cutting onion farts. Oooooooh stinky!!! So everytime I farted I would jump to a different area of the class. During the second hour, second class, the Sensei loudly asked "Who's farting???" I didn't answer and kept displacing myself with high kicks and katas after every Silent Butt Deadly fart ... after the second hour of karate I decided to leave and not stick around for two more classes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrum Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 Four gay boys were in the hot tub when a gob of sperm floats to the top and one asks: 'OK, who farted?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragster Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 No comment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragster Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mountain Hopper Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 I ripped a deadly methane fart the other day in an empty elevator just before this hot chick got on. So much for first impressions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragster Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 Don't anybody light a match! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrum Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 NIce!! Forgot about the 'ole sit-up, shit up...I was in the corps for four years. One of the things they were big on was sit-ups. During their annual physical fitness test you are 'graded' on three events. One of them is a timed event, that is, attempting to do 80 situps in 2 minutes or less. You had to hold someone's ankles of course. In the marine corps, most people are alcoholics...you can imagine how that smelled. A field full of hung-over, stinky, farting marines...oh the memories. I vividly recall holding my room-mate's ankles as he strugled to do his 80 in two...all the while cracking them off in my face. Tha'ts ok, 'cause my turn was after his. And I dont dissappoint. Goodnight Chesty, wherever you are! I had a friend that every time he cut one he'd say: 'Have to tune it next week!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagle87 Posted April 19, 2008 Share Posted April 19, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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