DAS Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAS Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TypeO Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 Classic! Never gets old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jahfin Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrum Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 Senor Frijole Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fool In The Rain 60 Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anjin-san Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAS Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deborah J Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." And then the fight started... The doctors say I will walk again, bit I will always have a limp ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible" My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would haveto go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveAJones Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deborah J Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 (edited) Ladies who are in a hurry to find the right man or get married often chose too little too soon. I say that all women you must remember a great piece of Biblical advice. Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. You must wait patiently for your Boaz and never settle for any of his relatives, Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lazy-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfonuthin-az and especially his third cousin, Beatinyo-az. Make sure your Boaz respects Yo-az. Author Unknown Edited July 1, 2012 by Deborah J Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deborah J Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 PENSION SEX Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?''Oh, nothing special. I'm having pension sex "Pension sex"'Yeah, I know what ya mean ; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!' LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.' 'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.' 'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!' QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, a man came right out and asked his wife During a recent lovemaking session,'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'She glanced at him and replied,'You're never home!' WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' ' WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. ELDERLY SEX One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found Her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony Of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...He could also fly.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jahfin Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anjin-san Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAS Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anjin-san Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAS Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jahfin Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chillumpuffer Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 In 1950 a young man leaves Scotland for the first time to go to New York. On arrival the taxi driver takes him downtown. Scotsman: Show me something truly remarkable Taxi Driver: I will take you to "The Indian Memory Man" He drives him to an apartment where inside sits a native American Indian man. An assistant says to the Scotsman " Ask him any question and he'll know the answer" Intrigued, the young Jock summonds up as an obscure question as he can think of. Who won the Scottish FA Cup Final in 1923? After some thought the memory man says " Arbroath beat Forfar 1-0 That is truly remarkable says the Scotsman and promptly exits. 60 Years later the same Jock goes back to New York. In the taxi he mentions to the driver the story of "The Indian Memory Man". The taxi driver says that indeed he is still alive and that he will take him. On arrival to the same apartment the assistant says to the Jock. "The Indian Memory Man" is very old and revered and as such you must greet him with the traditional American Indian greeting and the showing of your palm. The Jock goes in and on seeing the aged man with the huge headress he shows his palm and says "HOW" The Indian Memory Man closes his eyes and says: " Diving Header 53rd Minute" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe (Liverpool) Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 ^^^^^^ Fucking brilliiant !!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chillumpuffer Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Thought with your great scouse sense of humour, you'd appreciate that one Joe? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chillumpuffer Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anjin-san Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAS Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I wish I'd thought of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAS Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 I don't think I've shared this yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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