Dzldoc Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Well I can't say I have anything else to add except from my past 28 years of marriage, really try to think before you speak. Because for most women, words are like physical scars they will not forget them EVER! Ten,fifteen,twenty years from now they will throw shit in you're face you can't remember yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zepyep Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Hi all, Again JT,what did you say to her? KB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 And hopefully she is doing the same. It should be equal. In a lasting relationship it is usually equal. It all depends on what each person brings to the relationship. Each one is unique and not a carbon copy of the other, so one may bring an element the other lacks, but they still balance together. But often when one person is upset, the other must remain calm. You can't have both people having meltdowns at the same time without consequences to the relationship. Only one at a time, because the other person has to be calm and sensible. So partners take turns having meltdowns. It's like when children play on a slide. Only one child can go down the slide at a time. If they all pile on at once, the slide can fall over on top of them and cause injury. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~tangerine~ Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 My wife (a teacher) is off for the summer. Yesterday, she lounged on our back deck for a couple of hours relaxing, reading, having a snack. She knows my job lately is murder. I came home (beaten down) from work and she starts dropping hints about me cooking dinner. That just started it.....I do A LOT around the house, CLEANING, a recent painting project, lawn care and being the PRIMARY care giver to our dog. THE DOG SHE WANTED. It was not necessary for me to lose it and I did apologize and told her how much I love her. I also explained to her (again) the stress of Information Technology work. My company is short staffed and IT people are expected to be magicians, pulling rabbits out of hats and working at breakneck speed. Well IMO, you must have said some really terrible things for her to leave, with the dog no less. Was her trip to the B & B already planned or was that her "leaving" because of what you said? I can't imagine what could be so hurtful that i would leave my home and go to a hotel (with the scenario you paint, doesn't seem like it was justified). Unless you were physical with her, i think it sounds quite extreme on her part. I don't have enough information to see things any other way. My thoughs on her, she should have had dinner already on the table when you arrived home from work. End of story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dzldoc Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Well IMO, you must have said some really terrible things for her to leave, with the dog no less. Was her trip to the B & B already planned or was that her "leaving" because of what you said? I can't imagine what could be so hurtful that i would leave my home and go to a hotel (with the scenario you paint, doesn't seem like it was justified). Unless you were physical with her, i think it sounds quite extreme on her part. I don't have enough information to see things any other way. My thoughs on her, she should have had dinner already on the table when you arrived home from work. End of story. Are you for real? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3hrsoflunacy Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Well I can't say I have anything else to add except from my past 28 years of marriage, really try to think before you speak. Because for most women, words are like physical scars they will not forget them EVER! Ten,fifteen,twenty years from now they will throw shit in you're face you can't remember yourself. Amen to that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~tangerine~ Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Are you for real? She's home all day, and all summer. Hell yes, i would have dinner on the table (as many women would have), and probably a "before dinner" drink waiting, too. Dinner might have to stay warm for a few minutes, lol. I mean really, she was hinting to him, after he came home from working all day, that he should cook? That is crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brspled Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 She's home all day, and all summer. Hell yes, i would have dinner on the table (as many women would have), and probably a "before dinner" drink waiting, too. Dinner might have to stay warm for a few minutes, lol. I mean really, she was hinting to him, after he came home from working all day, that he should cook? That is crazy. You don't know my sister-in-law. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dzldoc Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 She's home all day, and all summer. Hell yes, i would have dinner on the table (as many women would have), and probably a "before dinner" drink waiting, too. Dinner might have to stay warm for a few minutes, lol. I mean really, she was hinting to him, after he came home from working all day, that he should cook? That is crazy. I agree, I guess I've been un-spoiled for too long Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brspled Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I agree, I guess I've been un-spoiled for too long Sorry, Dzldoc, I can't agree. We ourselves are responsible for the limits we trace. If your partner often does something that you don't like, you allowed him/her to. You get the respect you give. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inspiration Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Be careful with words......you can never take them back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~tangerine~ Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I agree, I guess I've been un-spoiled for too long Well maybe i'm old fashioned, lol. It works both ways. If JT was the teacher off all summer and she was working all day, he should have dinner on the table, or my preference all around would be to eat out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virginia Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 My wife (a teacher) is off for the summer. Yesterday, she lounged on our back deck for a couple of hours relaxing, reading, having a snack. She knows my job lately is murder. I came home (beaten down) from work and she starts dropping hints about me cooking dinner. That just started it.....I do A LOT around the house, CLEANING, a recent painting project, lawn care and being the PRIMARY care giver to our dog. THE DOG SHE WANTED. It was not necessary for me to lose it and I did apologize and told her how much I love her. I also explained to her (again) the stress of Information Technology work. My company is short staffed and IT people are expected to be magicians, pulling rabbits out of hats and working at breakneck speed. We've had similar "discussions" if one of us feels we are doing the lion's share; and we also have different ideas on what the priorities around the house should be (have I mentioned we can both be stubborn?). I don't have any real advice other than trying to emphasize the "teamwork/partnership" concept. I've definitely been in both your shoes though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 My wife (a teacher) is off for the summer. Yesterday, she lounged on our back deck for a couple of hours relaxing, reading, having a snack. She knows my job lately is murder. I came home (beaten down) from work and she starts dropping hints about me cooking dinner. That just started it.....I do A LOT around the house, CLEANING, a recent painting project, lawn care and being the PRIMARY care giver to our dog. THE DOG SHE WANTED. It was not necessary for me to lose it and I did apologize and told her how much I love her. I also explained to her (again) the stress of Information Technology work. My company is short staffed and IT people are expected to be magicians, pulling rabbits out of hats and working at breakneck speed. Maybe she will realize that she should have been more understanding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirchzep27 Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Communicate. Whoever said something wrong, now ya just have to communicate and be friends again. If yall dont get along, i'll look forward to your disagreement on -judge judy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dancin'Days Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Mainly it's important to take a lesson from the dog. He doesn't argue with her and he doesn't say mean things to her. He just wags his tail and wants to play Frisbee on the beach, on top of giving her unconditional approval regardless of how wrong she is. That's why the dog is there and you are not. No disrespect but you should try to engage brain and then speak! I hope this is not what you seriously think. What if someone told you to do this with your man? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 No disrespect but you should try to engage brain and then speak! I hope this is not what you seriously think. What if someone told you to do this with your man? What if someone told me to do what with my man? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dancin'Days Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Well I can't say I have anything else to add except from my past 28 years of marriage, really try to think before you speak. Because for most women, words are like physical scars they will not forget them EVER! Ten,fifteen,twenty years from now they will throw shit in you're face you can't remember yourself. You got that right! I wonder how they can do that when most days they can't remember where they left their keys? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jarlaxle 56 Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 What if someone told me to do what with my man? Act like a dog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 I've got you figured......You're just thinking that without a fight, there's no outstanding make-up sex after. Maybe... maybe not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dancin'Days Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 What if someone told me to do what with my man? Wag your tail and be totally passive to everything your partner does or says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manderlyh Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 blink.gif blink.gif HP....that'd be fantastic if ANY man did something like that, but I think your expectations are too high, I fear. The average men have the biggest difficulties even in phrasing the word "sorry".... laugh.gif But a good talk, some flowers and sincere excuses might work miracles. wink.gif I definately think you know what you're talking about, brspled! My boyfriend doesn't like to talk about what he did to upset me. He never talks about it, but guess what? I get treated like a queen for a day or so, and then he NEVER does it again. (not that I haven't pissed him off royally a few times here and there...) First off, I want to make something clear. I know for a fact that most teachers don't spend their summers lounging around, doing nothing. Most of the teachers I know (and I know a LOT of teachers), work on what they're doing next year, take mandatory classes, etc. So the wife may be doing nothing right now, but she won't be all summer long. As for the rest of it, yes, I think I would be a little peeved if I came home to a scene where my partner was doing nothing all day and then expected me to cook dinner and I was especially stressed out. BUT I don't know JT or his wife, so I don't even want to pass any types of judgments on anyone. I just hope it all works out for the best, JT. I hope you can convince her to come home becuase it sounds like you think you are in the wrong. Wait...I'm the only one who DOES cook in the house, LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dancin'Days Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Wag your tail and be totally passive to everything your partner does or says. I'm no expert, but if you do this long enough, it seems to me, that it may turn into passive aggressiveness and that is when people go nuts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alwizard03 Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Tell Her You love Her and She needs to get over it and move on .Let Her know who wears the pants. On second thought that has not worked well for Me I have been divorced several times.I have tried different ways nothing really works unless you both love each other enough to put up with each others bull and move on.There is no easy fix and if She does not love you well You can kiss Her butt from here to xmas and it will not help.If She does then you will make up and be fine till you have another reason to fight.Call Dr Phil He will tell you its because you have a Penis anda set of Balls and if You cut off the balls put them in a jar and give them to Her it will make You a better Husband.Do you know what I have determined is the best way to keep a woman stay single and date .You get to keep your Balls and have fun to. Sorry Ladies I love Women But I am the boss of Me.I believe in loving and protecting and respecting a Woman but I am not a big Women's libber . I think the Man should wear the pants even if his woman lays them out for Him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternal light Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Act like a dog Dogs are nice. I recall a perfectly respectable dog who went to church every Sunday and patiently waited outside for his master. Everyone liked him and he got along with everyone. He was the most gentle creature I have ever seen. I wish all people were that nice. Wag your tail and be totally passive to everything your partner does or says. You don't have to be totally passive to be socially adept. Dogs are not totally passive, but they are very social. When they wag their tails it usually means they are happy. Chances are that she escapes with the dog for several reasons. One may be that he is easier for her to relate to because he is happy. She may feel inadequate dealing with the stress that her spouse is going through, so she escapes from it with the happiest person in the household, the dog. It's the fight-or-flight response to stress. This couple needs to develop a positive communication process that will work for them when either one is stressed. This episode of work-related stress that her spouse has expressed is possibly uncharted territory for her. It is thus met with avoidance behavior rather than maybe finding a way for him to relax and unwind with her. This is where the relaxation response is important, taking deep breaths and setting aside some quiet time together. Think about it. What is more fun, dealing with stress or playing Frisbee at the beach? Sometimes when being a grown-up becomes too difficult, people regress back to being a kid having fun, even if only for a while, because regression offers a sense of emotional safety. Usually that's alright as long as it is just for a brief respite. It can become a problem if it results in prolonged isolation. Oh Daddy dear you're still number one but girls they wanna have fun -Cyndi Lauper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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