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marolyn

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Kiwi_Zep_Fan87

Kiwi_Zep_Fan87

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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

LOL! That is one cool set of jokes there!!! :thumbsup:B)

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Ross62

Ross62

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Posted

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend

the night with her for $500. They did their thing,

and, before he left, he told her that he did

not have any cash with him, but he would have his

secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling

the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had

done, realizing that the whole event had not been

worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your

apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,

because when I rented the place, I was under the

impression that:

- it had never been occupied;

- there was plenty of heat; and

- it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

- it had been previously occupied,

- there wasn't any heat, and

- it was entirely too large...'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately

returned the check for $250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:

- I cannot understand how you could expect a

beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

- As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you

know how to turn it on.

- Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of

regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture

to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced

to contact your present landlady...

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Kiwi_Zep_Fan87

Kiwi_Zep_Fan87

Posted
Posted (edited)

I find this to be pretty outrageous! :lol:

Just read the headline and you'll see what I mean! :P

Help police! Someone's stolen my snowman

December 4, 2010, 3:23 amReuters

2132667033.jpg?x=400&sig=lhWhvDjXD_qasgWqXGf05w--

LONDON (Reuters) - As Arctic blizzards swept across southeast England, stranding hundreds in their cars and bringing motorways to a virtual halt in whiteout conditions, Kent police received a strange call on their emergency number."I haven't been out to check on him for five hours but I went outside for a fag (cigarette) and he's gone," said the female caller.

When the operator asked who had gone she replied: "My snowman. I thought that with it being icy and there not being anybody about he'd be safe.

"It ain't a nice road but you don't expect anybody to nick your snowman," she added.

Police were most definitely not amused.

"This call could have cost someone's life if there was a genuine emergency and they couldn't get through. It was completely irresponsible,' said Chief Inspector Simon Black.

A transcript of the call was released by the force to highlight what they said was misuse of the emergency number 999 system. (Reporting by Michael Holden; Editing by Steve Addison)

Edited by Kiwi_Zep_Fan87
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BIGDAN

BIGDAN

Posted
Posted

Two friends are seriously injured in an auto accident, both can see that bright light at the end of the tunnel and both glide along it until they reach the fog covered pearly gates.

There they are greeted by Saint Peter who says, "What's that you have in your ears"

The friends both reply "My Ipod headphones"

Saint Peter asks, "What's an Ipod for?"

The Friends say "Its for listening to music"

Saint Peter says "Lets have a listen then?"

The first Friend hands over his Ipod to Saint Peter who is consumed for hours listening to Led Zeppelin until he comes to the song "Stairway to Heaven" at which point Saint Peter breaks down sobbing with joy and says, "That song is amazing, you can go straight up the Stairway to Heaven and be seated at the right hand of God for all of eternity"

Saint Peter then asks for the second Friends Ipod, but the second friend just shrugs his shoulders and says, "I'm an fcuking AC/DC fan, so where's the "Highway to Hell?"

At this point both friends are given lifesaving treatment and come back to reality.

The moral of this story is? (I'll let you decide)

Regards, Danny

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Magic Fills the Air

Magic Fills the Air

Posted
Posted (edited)

Two friends are seriously injured in an auto accident, both can see that bright light at the end of the tunnel and both glide along it until they reach the fog covered pearly gates.

There they are greeted by Saint Peter who says, "What's that you have in your ears"

The friends both reply "My Ipod headphones"

Saint Peter asks, "What's an Ipod for?"

The Friends say "Its for listening to music"

Saint Peter says "Lets have a listen then?"

The first Friend hands over his Ipod to Saint Peter who is consumed for hours listening to Led Zeppelin until he comes to the song "Stairway to Heaven" at which point Saint Peter breaks down sobbing with joy and says, "That song is amazing, you can go straight up the Stairway to Heaven and be seated at the right hand of God for all of eternity"

Saint Peter then asks for the second Friends Ipod, but the second friend just shrugs his shoulders and says, "I'm an fcuking AC/DC fan, so where's the "Highway to Hell?"

At this point both friends are given lifesaving treatment and come back to reality.

The moral of this story is? (I'll let you decide)

Regards, Danny

Hi Danny

:lol: Surely the moral of the story is that Zep' fans are so superior to fans of other so-called 'rock' bands that we're all reserved a special place in heaven!:D Stairway to Heaven should the hymn of the modern church, and maybe Jimmy, despite all the dark magic nonsense, is a modern day Moses. ;)

If Jesus were alive today, he'd most certainly be listening to Led Zeppelin rather than Cliff Richard! :lol:

Edited by Magic Fills the Air
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Kiwi_Zep_Fan87

Kiwi_Zep_Fan87

Posted
Posted

That version of Bob the Builder looks a lot more interesting than the original! I wonder what Bob and his 'friend' are up to? They look like they're deep in thought planning something! :blink:

Well, since Bob (to me) is a nice guy, I bet that Bob and "Hitler" are discussing plans for Peace! :lol: But our little German friend sure has ulterior motives up his sleave! LOL! :lol:;)

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Magic Fills the Air

Magic Fills the Air

Posted
Posted (edited)

I find this to be pretty outrageous! :lol:

Just read the headline and you'll see what I mean! :P

Help police! Someone's stolen my snowman

December 4, 2010, 3:23 amReuters

2132667033.jpg?x=400&sig=lhWhvDjXD_qasgWqXGf05w--

LONDON (Reuters) - As Arctic blizzards swept across southeast England, stranding hundreds in their cars and bringing motorways to a virtual halt in whiteout conditions, Kent police received a strange call on their emergency number."I haven't been out to check on him for five hours but I went outside for a fag (cigarette) and he's gone," said the female caller.

When the operator asked who had gone she replied: "My snowman. I thought that with it being icy and there not being anybody about he'd be safe.

"It ain't a nice road but you don't expect anybody to nick your snowman," she added.

Police were most definitely not amused.

"This call could have cost someone's life if there was a genuine emergency and they couldn't get through. It was completely irresponsible,' said Chief Inspector Simon Black.

A transcript of the call was released by the force to highlight what they said was misuse of the emergency number 999 system. (Reporting by Michael Holden; Editing by Steve Addison)

Hi Kiwi

How did I miss you posting this?!! :blink: I heard this story on the radio and thought it was hilarious, so did my friend who was with me at the time and is actually a policeman. We couldn't stop laughing! The whole country (and world it seems) was laughing at this stupid woman! :lol: The woman was deadly serious, so it wasn't a prank call, although sounded a bit thick! :lol: The snowman had pound coins for eyes. :lol:

Edited by Magic Fills the Air
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Kiwi_Zep_Fan87

Kiwi_Zep_Fan87

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Posted

Hi Kiwi

How did I miss you posting this?!! :blink: I heard this story on the radio and thought it was hilarious, so did my friend who was with me at the time and is actually a policeman. We couldn't stop laughing! The whole country (and world it seems) was laughing at this stupid woman! :lol: The woman was deadly serious, so it wasn't a prank call, although sounded a bit thick! :lol: The snowman had pound coins for eyes. :lol:

LOL! I know right? :lol: I truly cannot believe that people can be so stupid! :lol: On reading that headline on yahoo news, I at first thought that I was seeing things and when I saw that the headline was in fact true, I nearly fell off my chair! :lol: This takes "silly police emergency calls" to a whole new level of silliness! :lol: A snowman is not even a person! :hysterical:

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BIGDAN

BIGDAN

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Posted

LOL! I know right? :lol: I truly cannot believe that people can be so stupid! :lol: On reading that headline on yahoo news, I at first thought that I was seeing things and when I saw that the headline was in fact true, I nearly fell off my chair! :lol: This takes "silly police emergency calls" to a whole new level of silliness! :lol: A snowman is not even a person! :hysterical:

I'll have you know that every time you say that a Snowman Melts. :(

How do you bring a Snowman to his knees, kick him in the icicles. :o

Regards, Danny

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