Jump to content
Slate Blackcurrant Watermelon Strawberry Orange Banana Apple Emerald Chocolate Marble
Slate Blackcurrant Watermelon Strawberry Orange Banana Apple Emerald Chocolate Marble
marolyn

Make me laugh!

Recommended Posts

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,”I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.”

He replies,”Your eyesight is perfect.”

:P

:lol: that one made me laugh

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
zepyep   

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

thanks! lol, don henley was replaced by a drum machine.............

i couldnt open the other link though......it begs the question, who is on your back up list? marolyn, how about starting a thread on this!

Edited by slave to zep

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
marolyn   
i couldnt open the other link though......it begs the question, who is on your back up list? marolyn, how about starting a thread on this!

here's the article...evidently i need a "fondue-related accident" contigency plan...ha!

(OPRAH.com) -- You could fill entire football stadiums with all the things that I don't know. I don't know how to make paella. I don't know how to do algebra or iron pleats or ski. I don't know how to sing on key, accept a compliment, interact at a party consisting of more than eight people or kill a lobster ... which brings us back to my paella issues.

Lisa Kogan has a long list of "Plan B" boyfriends.

But I do know a thing or two about men ...

Okay, not two, but there is this one little thing about men that I do know with crystal clarity: I know what I like.

Needless to say, what I like, love and cherish above all others is my own man, Johannes Labusch. He was a friend for quite a while, and then 14 years ago this month we went to a museum together and I stood there looking at a Giacometti sculpture through his faded denim gray eyes, and he was so funny, so astute, so sexy, so unpretentious that somewhere between the cafe and the gift shop, I was a goner. And (despite the fact that a mere 20 minutes ago we had an unbelievably irritating phone conversation) I still am.

But what if something were to happen to Johannes? I mean, I realize that spending most of the year working in Switzerland isn't exactly on par with spending most of the year working in Iraq, but things happen.

Suppose he falls off an Alp or chokes on a chunk of chocolate? Do you have any idea how many human beings perish every single year in fondue-related accidents? Well, neither do I, but suffice it to say the statistics are probably off the charts.

Anyway, forget Zurich: What if when Johannes is here in New York, he were to slip on one of the many, many wet towels he leaves lying all over the floor after his shower and then crash headfirst into the guitar he has such a hard time pulling himself away from even though I'm late for work and could really use some help getting our daughter dressed (did I mention that we had a big fight 20 minutes ago?), then who could I fall truly, madly, deeply in love with ... after, you know, a suitable period of mourning? I've spent the last 20 minutes giving this matter considerable thought. Oprah.com: Men! What are you thinking?!

Don't Miss

Oprah.com: How to get the love you want

Oprah.com: Best places to meet men over 35

Oprah.com: Ten guys you should run from -- ASAP!

Men I could fall hard for ... after, you know, a suitable period of mourning:

• CEO/mensch Jim Sinegal came up with this utterly novel theory: If you hire good people and then treat them with respect, nice things happen. The nice thing is called Costco, a place where workers earn an average of $17 an hour and pay just 9 percent of their health insurance costs, a place that sells everything from Dom Pérignon to diapers at bargain prices.

In a world where CEOs of billion-dollar companies require salaries to match, Jim (as every employee calls him) takes home an annual salary of $350,000. I don't care if he's not a billionaire, Jim and I will live on love -- and perhaps a 22-pound wheel of Jarlsberg cheese for the low, low price of $180. And when our days dwindle down to a precious few, we'll go online to the funeral department and get a terrific deal on matching, high-quality Costco caskets.

• Supremely skilled, deeply compassionate, cucumber-cool Andrei Rebarber, Daniel Saltzman and Samuel Bender are the obstetricians who pulled me through a harrowing high-risk pregnancy. I'd like to take this moment to declare my undying love for these medical miracle workers and to offer a brief apology.

"Gentlemen, as you may be aware, the birth process is often a touch uncomfortable in an I'm-being-torn-limb-from-limb-by-a-horde-of-rabid-wildebeasts-while-someone-sets-all-of-my-internal-organs-on-fire-and-stomps-up-and-down-on-my-tummy kind of way. It is possible that in the course of my 22-hour labor I may have inadvertently referred to one or more of you as a motherf*@# ing, gravy-sucking weasel. I see now that this was an unfortunate choice of words to use when requesting an epidural, and I am deeply sorry."

"It is further possible that you might have been bitten, kicked, pummeled or clawed at in a manner that can best be described as 'satanic.' Again, I am beyond sorry. Finally, rest assured that I now fully understand that you were not in any position to prescribe heroin even if it were called for, and that any comments I might have made with regard to your manhood, your immediate family or your innate sense of common decency were just terribly, terribly wrong."

• Some desire DiCaprio, others crave Clooney, I have a little thing for Desmond Tutu, or as I like to call him, Archbishop McDreamy. What can I tell you? I've always been a sucker for integrity and twinkly eyes, which is why I'd also like to send a quick shout-out to and Walter Cronkite.

• I never thought of myself as a particularly vain person. In fact I sort of prided myself on having a decidedly undiva-like attitude. But all that went out the window when I realized my face had to appear in this magazine every month. It turns out I'm ridiculously insecure and once lost an entire night's sleep worrying that my wrists looked puffy. Enter John Ritter. Not the guy from "Three's Company." No, the John Ritter I love illustrates this column.

Here's a tip. If you're ever going to be viewed by millions of people on a regular basis, forget hair, makeup and the South Beach diet -- get yourself a man who sees grace where you can see only crow's-feet.

• After 46 Thanksgivings, I still can't make a good turkey. Mine was so undercooked last year that several guests suggested a really excellent veterinarian could probably get it up and gobbling again. I love a man who can cook and I love a man who can write, and Anthony Bourdain is a man who can do both. So come next year, Chef Bourdain can be in charge of cranberries and column ideas.

• I believe I could listen to Tom Waits singing "Take It with Me" every rainy Sunday for the rest of my life. I also love Johann Sebastian Bach, Ray Charles, Randy Newman, Stephen Sondheim, Johnny Cash and several Beatles. They all make me happy, and they all break my heart. And when you think about it, what else do you want from a musician?

• One hot summer night at the end of the '70s, I sat in a 15,274-seat amphitheater just outside Detroit, Michigan, and watched a wild and crazy guy in a white suit perform "the disappearing dime trick." It was absurd and ironic, and exceedingly funny -- it was the bravest act of comedy I'd ever witnessed. It was Steve Martin.

He removed the arrow from his head a long, long time ago, but like comic geniuses from Buster Keaton to David Sedaris, he still performs a remarkable sleight of hand. Rent "Roxanne," read "The Pleasure of My Company," or "Shopgirl," or a short story from his "Pure Drivel" collection called "Hissy Fit," and see for yourself how, time after time, he manages to catch the pedestrian moment -- the ordinary gesture -- and wring it into an expression of exquisite longing. He was, is, and will always be my ideal combination of contemplative and cuckoo.

Finally, there's the 20-something model/actor/Barneys clerk who sold me a pair of sunglasses I couldn't afford last Saturday morning. Shallow? You bet, but Walter Cronkite will only take a girl so far. I know Sunglasses Guy is an impossible fantasy, but you have to admit, he's a better option than Johann Sebastian Bach.

Besides, I think there's something to be said for coming up with a list of impossible fantasies. Woman --at least this one --cannot live by reality alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Somone asked me about Chim Chim. I told them he was on writers strike. Actually I felt bad about selling him to Suburban Auto several years back.

Chim Chims new job :)

Rumor has it with the decline in auto sales Chim Chim will return to me and Trixie very soon.

Thank you for asking.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dzldoc   
Somone asked me about Chim Chim. I told them he was on writers strike. Actually I felt bad about selling him to Suburban Auto several years back.

Chim Chims new job :)

Rumor has it with the decline in auto sales Chim Chim will return to me and Trixie very soon.

Thank you for asking.

But as a hired gun!

42f06910.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
zepyep   

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my

husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a

mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a

halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I

couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours

daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We

have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having

an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling

increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I

gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to

counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can yo u please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a

variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no

debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on

the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these

approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is

faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Walter

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dzldoc   

This guy walks into a bar with a monkey by his side, the bartender says hey you can't come in here with that monkey!

The guy says it's ok he won't be any trouble. So the guy pulls up a stool to the bar, sits down to have a beer and the monkey sits on the stool next to him.

Well a couple people rack up the billards and break.

Suddenly the monkey leaps from the stool and on to the table, grabs the cue ball and sticks it in his mouth and swallows it.

The bartender tells him to take his monkey and leave.

A couple weeks pass and the same guy comes back to the bar with the monkey.

The bartender says I told you not to come back in here with that monkey.

Guy says don't worry he won't be a problem I promise.

So the guy is sitting and drinking his beer and gives the monkey some peanuts to eat.

The monkey takes the peanuts and one at a time he reaches around and puts the peanuts to his butt and then eats the peanut.

After awhile the bartender says to the guy what is that monkey doing with those peanuts?

The guy says he's checking for size! :o

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

heres another at my own expense--happy to oblige

Long story short I'm pretty positive I asked Roger Daltry if he knew who the

special guests were at the key club, rock ms auction. Then I said,"I was

hopin for jimmy page!"

I hope yall are busting a gut here!! This will top ya off. After lookin at

me, with that," I cannot believe this," look on his face, one of the other two

guys says to me, "its elvis"

and laughed "with me"--Hey at least I gave them a good laugh. I'm sure I

will be remembered for a bit anyway!!

Where is my freakin sign

for the whole story u can visit my myspace, same username.

I hope they weren't too terribly offended.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
zepyep   

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and

placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores

than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

:hysterical:

KB

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Medhb   
THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and

placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores

than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

:hysterical:

KB

:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:

OK, now I gotta wipe veggie burger from my screen :blink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MHD   

One for the guys...

What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg! :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

this was one of the jokes from the show, last comic standing.

"can you believe its 2008... where has the time gone, i still have 40gallons of y2k water in my basement."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replies, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"

dog.jpg

Edited by Speed Racer

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×