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Make me laugh!


marolyn
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OMGoodness, do you accept HUGE virtual hugs?

That was too funny.

Actually, considering the joke, this would be more appropo :chickeddance:

Back at ya!

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.

'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.

I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their

place.

I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room.

In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.

He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.

Such was his fate in hell.

'No!' said George.

'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.

I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'

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  • 3 weeks later...

Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?"

Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."

Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"

Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."

Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"

Tech Support: "Yes."

Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?"

==

Customer: "Do I need a monitor? I have everything else."

Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am."

Customer: "Why? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of."

:chickeddance::wtf:

Edited by Mary Hartman
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  • 2 weeks later...

Two Irish lumberjacks, Mick and Pat, are walking through the Great Redwood Forest of Canada looking for work when they come upon a sign.

"Tree Fellers Wanted"

Mick turns to Pat and says, "Its a shame theres only the two of us"

Edited by BIGDAN
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  • 2 weeks later...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings

are the only animals that stutter," she says.

Little Johnny raises his hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," he volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,

asked young Johnny to describe the incident.

"Well," he began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler

that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped

over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was!" said Johnny. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff,

Fffff'? and before he could say "F*ck", the Rottweiler ate him!" :lol:

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Two Irish lumberjacks, Mick and Pat, are walking through the Great Redwood Forest of Canada looking for work when they come upon a sign.

"Tree Fellers Wanted"

Mick turns to Pat and says, "Its a shame theres only the two of us"

:D

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"Christmas Bird"

I got a nephew that I think a lot of and he works for the Shell Oil company.

An' about four years ago they moved him down to South America an' I ain't seen him

since.

But he still thinks about me an' Ma Crabapple. Every Christmas he sends us a nice present. This past Christmas he sent us a "Live" bird.

Green bird, 'bout this tall, had a little yellow top notch on his head with some red on it

an' a hooked beak-sent it to us live from South America.

I tell ya sumpthin' that bird was delicious! yes sir!

We had him for Christmas dinner. We fixed him with some dressin' an' cranberry sauce,

sweet pertater scuffle.

Well after Christmas my nephew called wanna t' know if we got the bird!

I said "We got him" Wanna t' know how we liked him.

I said "He was delicious!" He said "You don't mean you eat that bird!"

I said "Well a course we did" My nephew got all upset an' pitched a fit.

He said "I paid a fortune for that bird!" He said "That things worth a fortune!"

He said "That bird could speak two different languages!"

I said "Well... he shoulda' said sumpthin'"

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  • 5 weeks later...

I guess I'll revive this thread after a month

I need a good laugh, and I hope anyone here does too

This might be a bit dirty

A woman wanted to take her husband to a stripper club for his birthday, thinking it'd be extra special. He agreed right away.

When they got to the door, the bouncer said, "Hey Billy, great to see you again!"

The wife was puzzled, but the husband assured her that the bouncer only knew him because he is a security guard at his office

When they got inside the stripper club, the waitress said, "Hey Billy, I'll get the glass filled with ice right away for you"

The wife grew more suspicious, but the husband tried to calm her by saying, "Hey, that woman serves open bar at the office......I guess she has a second job"

The wife wants to cool down her tendencies as she wants her husband to enjoy his gift.

The stripper sits on the table, looking at him, and says, "So Billy, I guess it'll be the usual."

Right at that moment, the wife yanked her husband by the ear into the taxicab. She swore up a storm as she kept slapping him.

The taxi driver said, "Jesus, Billy, you picked up a real b*tch tonight, didn't you"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young college sophomore asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"I'm going over to my girlfriend's tonight"

The pharmacist hands him the condom

"Oh and hand me another one, her sister might be lonely afterwards"

The pharmacist does so

"Give me a third one, who knows, her mom might be bored the next morning when the girls have to go."

The pharmacist listens to him once more

The man eats dinner at his girlfriend's house as his girlfriend is sitting left to him and her sister is sitting right to him. Their mother is sitting right across him. He has a smug, content look on his face, up until her father walks in.

As soon as the father walks in, he ducks his head down, as if he was solemnly praying and continues to do so for a while.

"I didn't know you were so religious," his girlfriend said

"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," he replies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love the little Johnny jokes, Dzdloc, but I'll post a clean one, to start, in case this post is already filthy enough.

Little Johnny's Sunday school teacher asked the children where Jesus lives.

The children said, "in our hearts"

"That's beautiful," she replies, "Amen"

"Really? I thought he lived in my bathroom," Johnny inquired

"Now, why would you say that?" the teacher wondered

"Well because every morning, my dad wakes up, pounds on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!'

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One more for the night, Penny

Read with caution, sensitive ones, another bitty dirty joke

--------------------------------------------------------------

A butler was serving three newlywed couples at a hotel.

The first man was marrying a nurse. The butler thought, "what a lucky guy, nurses are hot to trot"

The second man was marrying a telephone operator. The butler thought, "another lucky guy, telephone operators can definitely keep it going all night with that sexy voice they have"

The third man was marrying a teacher. The butler thought, "Ouch, teachers can be cute, but they can be bossy and frigid."

The next morning, when he returned to the hotel, the butler was sure the man marrying the teacher would call up for breakfast first.

At 8AM, he was proved wrong as the man marrying the nurse called up for breakfast first.

Surprised, he brought up the breakfast as he noticed that the man's hair was neatly trimmed and he wore freshly ironed clothes.

"What, I thought you guys would be going at it all night, knowing she's a nurse and all," the butler inquired

"Let me tell you something: don't marry a nurse. All she was saying was 'This is too unsanitary, that is too unsanitary'

The butler, still in disbelief, returned to his counter and was very sure that the man marrying the teacher would call up for breakfast soon.

At 9AM, he was wrong again as the man marrying the telephone operator called up for breakfast.

He was in more disbelief as he went to deliver him breakfast. He was more shocked as he saw that the man's hair was neatly combed and he wore freshly ironed clothes.

"What, what's happening here. She didn't keep you up all night with that sexy voice of hers," the butler inquired again.

"Let me tell you something: don't be deceived by a sexy voice. All she was saying last night was 'your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'

The butler tried to shake off his disbelief as he waited for the teacher's husband to call for breakfast

Finally, at 4PM, the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

The butler tried to ignore his surprised expression as he opened the door and saw the man with disheveled hair, boxers on, and scratches on his chest

"What happened to you? Did she attack you?" the butler asked, worried

For a moment, the man has a content smirk on his face as he slowly replied, "Let me tell you something, if you want to marry anyone, marry a teacher. All night, she said, 'We're going to keep on doing this over and over, until we get it right'

Edited by DeepBlackZeppelin
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Little Johnny had just finished building his first soapbox derby car.

When race day came he started off down the hill when one of his wheels came off.

He shouted out "God Damn!"

Father O'Leary told johnny not to say that! Instead say "Praise the Lord!"

Little johnny said I'll remember that next time father.

So in the second heat johnny was going down the hill and two! wheels came off.

He shouted out "God Damn!"

Again father O'Leary told him to say "Paraise the Lord!"

I'll remember that next time father said johnny.

In the third heat johnny is going down the hill and three! wheels come off.

Johnny shouts out "God Damn!"

Father O'Leary says to johnny I'm not going to tell you again!, say "Praise the Lord!"

Johnny says I'm sorry father I'll remember next time.

So when the fourth heat begins johnny is flying down the hill well in the lead nearing the finish line when suddenly all four! wheels come off.

Johnny shouts out 'Praise the Lord!" and all four wheels jump back on the car and johnny cruises across the finish line to win the race.

Just then father O'Leary jumps up from his seat and shouts :o "GOD DAMN!" :blink:

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Little Johnny had just finished building his first soapbox derby car.

When race day came he started off down the hill when one of his wheels came off.

He shouted out "God Damn!"

Father O'Leary told johnny not to say that! Instead say "Praise the Lord!"

Little johnny said I'll remember that next time father.

So in the second heat johnny was going down the hill and two! wheels came off.

He shouted out "God Damn!"

Again father O'Leary told him to say "Paraise the Lord!"

I'll remember that next time father said johnny.

In the third heat johnny is going down the hill and three! wheels come off.

Johnny shouts out "God Damn!"

Father O'Leary says to johnny I'm not going to tell you again!, say "Praise the Lord!"

Johnny says I'm sorry father I'll remember next time.

So when the fourth heat begins johnny is flying down the hill well in the lead nearing the finish line when suddenly all four! wheels come off.

Johnny shouts out 'Praise the Lord!" and all four wheels jump back on the car and johnny cruises across the finish line to win the race.

Just then father O'Leary jumps up from his seat and shouts :o "GOD DAMN!" :blink:

:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:

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A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some ass hole's got my pen!'

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